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We Don't Need No Stinkin' Airplane!Feb 03 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Yeah, right.
As we embarked upon our first “family vacation” in, well, ever, I thought to myself “Hey, we’re going to Disney World, I can write me a mess of reviews from this trip! Yippee!” Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea. So we got in our big rented van, drove down to Orlando, had our family fun and drove back. At this point I thought to myself “Hey, I’m way too freakin’ lazy to write any Disney reviews at all! But I learned me some valuable lessons here that I should share with my beloved fellow epinionators!” In exactly those words. So, here is what I learned on my winter vacation to the land of the mouse: 1) Big blue rented automatic transmission mini vans require more parking room than do standard transmission Honda Civics and, as an added feature, have no clutch! But those self locking seat belts work just dandy! 2) Hotel water is always too hard. A certain five year old kept complaining that it was chewy. Yum. 3) If someone offers you a TV/VCR that plugs into the car take it. Even if your child has never before laid eyes on a television, you will be glad to have this device, especially if you are driving after dark. 4) Every tourist spot has a clerk that either has the same first name as you (or preferably one of your children – they know your weak spots) or has relatives in your state. And they are very excited about it. 5) Cheese jokes get old. Fast. 6) You can drive 70 mph in Tennessee, Georgia and Florida. I like this. When it comes to driving 3000 miles, my environmentalist leanings last only as long as it takes to get to the next rest stop. 7) Georgia has more billboards on the interstate than I have ever seen. A large number of them seem to be for a place called the Café Erotica. Apparently they feel that people are likely to make only one stop, and they don’t want to force anyone to choose between sex and food. Oh, you can also get pecans real cheap. 8) Every children’s menu in the country has macaroni and cheese and chicken strips/sticks/nuggets/tasties/tenders/fingers on it. This is a good thing, as apparently children under 12 can subsist on these two meals alone indefinitely. 9) It is possible to drive 1200 miles without ever hearing the words “when do we get there” and then hear them every five minutes for the last 100 miles. 10) The best way to go to Disney World is to travel with someone else who is paying for lodging and park tickets. Grandparents are an excellent option. 11) The price mark up on virtually everything at Disney World is approximately 800%. And you’ll pay it. Gleefully. Because Disney World turns otherwise rational adult human beings into souvenir sucking, money wasting fools. Early retirement? Forget it. 12) The Animal Kingdom Lodge is well and truly awesome. Seriously, this place is the coolest hotel I’ve ever seen, with a Savannah view of African animals outside your balcony and a kick butt African restaurant on the premises. Just don’t be looking for any continental breakfast (that darn 800% thing). It’s even better when someone else pays for it (see item #10). 13) There is a show at Disney World called (I kid you not) the “Hoop-De-Doo Review”. This is a corny, lame, country type show with barely tolerable singing and dancing, fried chicken and baked beans. Also included is unlimited beer, wine, and sangria. I highly recommend it. 14) It’s warm there. This is nice. It’s cold here. Enough said. So, there you have it. All of the vital information gleaned from 10 days of driving and Disneying. I do have one review up my sleeve, but it may take months for that to get written, and I just felt compelled to share these pearls of wisdom with you all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put on my thermal underwear…………..  |
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