A Misogynist’s Guide to the Top Ten Chick Flicks
Feb 04 '03 (Updated Feb 22 '04)
The Bottom Line CyndiA is a swell broad.
If I were to be stranded on a desert island and had to select only two things to take with me, I would choose chicks, movies, and beer. And maybe a calculator. I dig movies. And I dig beer. But mostly, I dig chicks. If I could have those two things with me, I would be one happy creepy, disturbing, consumer clown – at least until I got a toothache. And that’s when the pain-killing benefits of beer would save me.
I’m a sensitive guy who has a pretty solid grasp on what makes broads tick, ya know, like a looking glass into the vast wasteland of the female psyche or something. I’ve watched Midol commercials. I’ve smelled yeast infections. I’m smart enough not to bitch too loud about the laundry not being done when it’s “that time of the month.” And, dammit, I know what broads like. That’s why, for the benefit of all the girls I’ve loved before, I have compiled a list of the Top Ten Chick Flicks.
So ladies, get your barefoot, pregnant butts out of the kitchen, grab some Bon Bons, plop down onto the sofa, and watch these fine, super-estrogen-enhanced movies!
1. Mannequin – 1987 – directed by Michael Gottlieb
This is a romantic comedy about some dude who, like, falls in love with a mannequin or something, and neglects and ignores his real-life girlfriend in favor of a piece of wood. There’s nothing creepy about that, right? Women like a man who knows what he wants and is willing to reject them in order to get it. It shows panache! The dude was played by that dorky guy from the Brat Pack who was supposed to be the next big thing, but quickly sank into a mire of obscurity. What was his name? I can’t remember either. I think it was Charlie MacCarthy or something like that. The mannequin was played by Kim Cattrall. She’s stacked!
2. Dumb and Dumber – 1994 – directed by the Farrelly brothers
This is a romantic comedy about some dude who meets a chick at the airport and decides she’s a little hottie with whom he’d like to do the tube snake boogie. After she catches her flight, he realizes that she forgot to take her carry-on bag and uses this as an excuse to grab a buddy and follow her all the way across the country with the hope that when he returns the bag she will fall madly in love with him and introduce herself to Mr. Happy. Chicks like this sort of hopeless romantic who will go to whatever length necessary to stalk them and return their bags and stuff. The chick was portrayed by Lauren Holly. The dude was played by a gap-toothed Jim Carrey. In order to finance the trip, the dude sold a headless parakeet to a blind kid. Chicks dig guys who are so determined that they will sell headless parakeets to blind kids in order to better stalk them. It shows resolve!
3. Lethal Weapon – 1987 – directed by Richard Donner
This is a romantic comedy about two dudes who are cops. They get so mad about this little trollop’s faux suicide that they go around and kill a bunch of people. Their willingness to stand up in defense of a dead trollop shows their sensitivity and concern for women. All women really want is men who will defend them and come save them from every adverse situation (though they were a little late in this circumstance.) The cops are portrayed by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. Mel Gibson shows his butt in this movie. Chicks dig Mel Gibson’s butt!
4. Caveman – 1981 – directed by Carl Gottlieb
This is a romantic comedy about a puny, scrawny little caveman who picks out some cavewoman chick (played by Barbara Bach) and wants to make boom-boom with her. There’s some other cavewoman (portrayed by Shelly Long) who is hot for him, but she’s not as good-looking as Barbara Bach so the caveman is really not interested. Much hilarity ensues. The dialogue really wasn’t very good in this movie consisting primarily of gutteral grunts and screeches, but that is really a secondary factor to the raw emotion and worthy themes. Chicks dig men who know what they want and are willing to pursue it. The caveman was portrayed by Ringo Starr. He was the “cute” Beatle!
5. Angelfist – 1993 – directed by Cirio H. Santiago
This is a romantic comedy about a tough, butt-kickin’, female cop (portrayed by the late Catya Sassoon – prior to her demise, of course) who goes to the Philippines in order to investigate the disappearance of her sister. In the process of the investigation, she meets some guy who gives her a place to stay as long as she sleeps with him. Also, she kicks a lot of people and engages in some topless catfights. Though the prime character does not fully live up to the feminine ideal (she shows no interest in bearing children, is not subservient enough, and really does not conduct herself in a very lady-like manner), there is, as I said, lots of topless fighting. Chicks dig topless catfights!
6. Used Cars – 1980 – directed by Robert Zemeckis
This is a romantic comedy about a slimy used car salesman (portrayed by Kurt Russell in his post-Disney days) who becomes enamored with the daughter of his recently-deceased employer. He wants to run the car lot himself in order to finance his Congressional campaign, so he conceals the body of the lot’s owner AND conceals the death of her father from the young woman (portrayed by Deborah Harmon). Much hilarity ensues! He kind of becomes her guardian angel. Car sales is a rough business, and he realizes that the car lot would never maintain its success if run by a woman, and he protects her from her likely failure. Chicks dig men with good business sense. And there was a happy ending, Kurt Russell got to sleep with the broad. Chicks dig happy endings!
7. Psycho – 1960 – directed by Alfred Hitchcock
This is a romantic comedy about a happy-go-lucky motel owner who has the poor fortune of owning a hotel in which young women keep getting murdered. In the film’s most famous scene, a young female hotel guest (portrayed by Janet Leigh) is stabbed while taking a shower. The photography and camera angles were a little off-center so it was impossible to tell for sure, but I THINK she was naked during this scene. I bet everyone on the film crew showed up that day! Particularly poignant is the motel owner’s special relationship and bond with his mother. It really choked me up, I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. It was touching. This film was shot in black and white. I prefer color movies, but chicks really dig black and white movies. It gives it an arthouse feel!
8. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – 1990 – directed by Renny Harlin
This is a romantic comedy about a detective. The plot line is rather irrelevant, it revolves around some mystery the detective is trying to solve. The real key to what makes this a top-notch chick flick is the detective character, a strong, brash, arrogant fellow portrayed by sex symbol Andrew Dice Clay. The movie could have been TOTALLY devoid of any plot or substance and women would have STILL flocked to the theatres to see it for Clay’s presence alone. He has a strong, confident demeanor that broads really like, and is not prone to sugar-coated, euphemistical speech. Chicks dig Andrew Dice Clay!
9. The Bad News Bears – 1976 – directed by Michael Ritchie
This is a romantic comedy about a drunken old curmudgeon (portrayed by the late, great Walter Matthau) who coaches a Little League baseball team. The man breaks the rules and allows a girl (played by a young Tatum O’Neal) to pitch for his team. While it takes some suspension of disbelief to swallow that whole “there is a girl who would be good enough to pitch in a boy’s league” angle, it was still an appealing movie becauase it showcased Matthau’s strength of character – he was willing to break the rules AND cause potential gender confusion issues in order to WIN. Chicks dig guys with a “win at all costs” mentality. They see strength within that!
10. The Incredible Mr. Limpet – 1967 – directed by Arthur Lubin
This is a romantic comedy about a guy who, through sheer willpower, turns himself into a cartoon fish and moves into the ocean – leaving his wife behind to get repeatedly porked by his best friend. He then finds a female cartoon fish to (presumably) repeatedly pork himself. Oh, and there’s some bit about being an advance scout for the U.S. military in an effort to sink Nazi warboats. This is an appealing chick flick for any of a number of reasons. Chicks dig guys who are so devoted to their friends that they will share their women with them, that’s a given. Perhaps the key element to the success of this movie, though, was the ingenius casting of the leading man – Don Knotts. Most women recognize that Don Knotts was one of the sexiest, roughest, most masculine leading men of his age, and are barely capable of resisting his sex appeal and rugged good looks. Chicks dig Don Knotts and want to bear his children!
There you have it, ladies – the ten finest cinematic specimens ever offered by Hollywood to members of the fairer gender. I took a big risk posting this, I fear that my fellow men will now taunt and ridicule me for like, you know, getting in touch with the more feminine aspects of my personality and showing the softer side of Sord. But it was worth it. Like I said, I love chicks. And beer!
For another fine analysis of the greatest chick flicks on celluloid, please go check the review of CyndiA (who also had the good sense to recognize the estrogen-pleasin’ nature of The Bad News Bears!)
Her review is HERE.
2buzy wasn’t too busy to dive into the Chick Flick wading pool. I don’t know this lady, but she likes “Willie Wonka” so I bet she’s okay. Also, it looks like her kid is a samurai or something, and if I do any dissin’ I might be picking throwing stars out of my teeth.
Her review is HERE.
Dirty Dancing sucks, but I don’t think briandalsmom does.
Her review is HERE.
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