My thoughts on life--7 years ago Feb 24 '03    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line First a brief background; I married when I was very, very young. My then-husband and I graduated from high school early and blackmailed our parents into letting us get married. If you don't think it's possible, you've never met kids as determined as we were. We did our homework, sat both pairs down, and gave them a well-thought-out presentation complete with handouts. Our handouts were the photocopied statutes from the state of Georgia--and copies of the bus schedules. We had enough money to buy tickets from Los Angeles to Georgia, where we'd marry with or without their blessing. They signed. We were sixteen, and had known each other since we were seven. Ten and a half years later, he died. Here's what I wrote and posted soon after his death on my long-since-outdated website. The site is about to come down for good, and I thought I needed to get it up somewhere else for posterity. ----------------- Life. Here it is. Here you are. Here I am. Let's go... Thirteen years ago I mapped out my life on a clean, white, college rule sheet of paper. The map started with graduation from law school, on to a job in a public defenders office, eventually a partner in a law firm. It included a possible marriage somewhere around 35 to a guy who wouldn't be threatened by my success. Two kids-a boy and a girl, were on that map somewhere, although they weren't the priority. Heck, I probably had a nice little slot for the Supreme Court there. The best adventures aren't found on a map. If you want to see the real sights, take a side road. Four-by-four over the countryside or find a secluded, unmapped beach and watch the sunset. I took a wrong turn somewhere and found myself way off the paved road. The last ten years were spent living there--that secluded place only the locals know about. From there, I've watched the changing of the seasons I couldn't have seen on the highway, I've seen the colors of the sunrise and I've found the most beautiful flowers by the side of the road. All of this I would have missed had I gone where I had planned. I find myself now, at 27, looking around for another road. Wishing I had a map. I'm a recent widow with four very young children. When I imagined my future, it never included this. The stability and security I had just three years ago is gone. The memories I thought I would have will never be made. I enjoyed where I've been, and I've enjoyed exploring the back roads with my best friend. Now I have to either find my way back to the highway or find another hidden trail, but either way, I'll be doing the searching alone. I have mixed emotions about it. I never wanted to be here...at this spot in my life. If I imagined being a widow, I also imagined being old and gray. But I'm here and not regretting a moment of what led me here. I can't imagine the next six months, much less the next ten years; but I'm looking forward to the next stop along the road. I don't want to see the sunsets without him, but if the choices are not to see them at all or to see them alone, I'll choose the latter. I'm not afraid of my future, but I definitely miss the past. I firmly believe that we are supposed to learn something from all this 'stuff' we have no control over. Over the last two years, I swallowed the lumps and cried a lot. Now I'm left trying to figure out what the lesson is here. Maybe there is none...but I hope so. Pain should have a positive purpose. Maybe, I already know the lesson, but just haven't figured out how to put words to it. Out of the Pollyanna mode, the negative lesson was that hope is not always a good thing. I wish I hadn't hoped so hard. Even on the back roads there are bees in the flowers once in a while. I don't know where I'm going with this. My original intention was just to write out a few thoughts on life. That's like explaining war to a five year old between commercials. My thoughts on life are extensive, as are everyone's. I've heard that the answers are in the questions. I have plenty of those. I think now I need to concentrate on asking the right questions. I do not have the slightest clue what we are here for-- what our 'purpose' in life is--if there even is one. I don't think I'm too concerned about it though. I do believe in karma..yin/yang....kismet. And I do believe in throwing the maps out the window now and again. Here's to the back roads. Hope you all take them once in a while. The flowers are lovely, the sunsets divine. And you know, all told, the bees aren't so bad either. Oh..and take some Karma on your way out..it's free. ----------------- 02/24/03: My updated view of life is very different—I don’t believe there is a lesson inherent in anything. We can find lessons in everything, but they aren’t inherent. Also, I don’t believe in Karma. Life is exactly what you make of it. Enjoying life isn’t a chance happening, it’s putting effort and hard work into doing what you love and doing it well. Oh, and I also can't believe I ever wanted to be an attorney! What was I thinking?

Read all comments (8)|Write your own comment

Write an essay on this topic.