"CHOKE ON 'EM"
Mar 02 '03
The Bottom Line This piece was inspired by George Romero's film "Day of the Dead." Apologies to macresarf; I should have used this the last time I wrote about aliens.
FROM: GENERAL TOMMY "MUSTARD" FRANKS
TO: LIEUTENANT GENERAL HOWARD "BUB" SHERMAN
DATE: 2003APR02
LOCATION: BAGHDAD, IRAQ
CLASSIFICATION:MAJESTIC
CC: POTUS, SECDEF, DCI, RETAMB
SUBJECT: SEE BELOW
HOW'S IT HANGIN', HOWIE?
LET ME BE THE FIRST TO CONGRATULATE YOU AND THE ENTIRETY OF 12TH DETACHED CORPS ON BEING THE FIRST UNIT INTO BAGHDAD, AN OBJECTIVE TAKEN WITH LOSSES CONSIDERABLY BELOW EVEN THE MOST OPTIMISTIC PROJECTIONS. THEATER INTELLIGENCE HERE IN DOHA IS RELUCTANTLY FORCED TO CONCLUDE THAT THE DOCUMENTATION OF DESTRUCTION OF IRAQI-BAATHIST CHEMICAL AND BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS SENT TO US BY IRAQI DIPLOMATIC PERSONNEL IMMEDIATELY AFTER 2001SEP11 IN FACT REPRESENTS THE LAST SUCH WEAPONS POSSESSED BY SADDAM'S REGIME.
BEFORE YOU GET REALLY UPSET, LET ME SAY I ALWAYS THOUGHT POWELL WAS A LOOSE CANNON. SAID DOCUMENTATION SHOULD HAVE BEEN DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY AFTER BEING VIEWED BY YOU, ME, HIM, AND THE OTHER 23 MAJESTIC-CLEARED NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL MEMBERS, STAFF, AND SEMI-RETIREES, PLUS OUR "SPECIAL FRIEND". INDEED, WE HAD TO DISPOSE OF THE UNDERSECRETARY TO WHOM THE IRAQIS INITIALLY CONVEYED THE DOCUMENTS. INSTEAD SECSTATE SENDS IT HERE TO A BUNCH OF JUNIOR MILINT TYPES TO PLAY WITH. HIS HEART AND HIS HEAD REALLY ARE STILL IN THE TRENCHES AS A PLATOON LEADER. SOME PEOPLE NEVER LEARN.
OUR FRIEND SHOWED UP HERE THE OTHER DAY ACCOMPANIED BY TENET, WHICH LED ME TO BELIEVE THEY WOULD BOTH WISH TO BE INCLUDED IN THE DISTRIBUTION. I AM TOLD AN ACCIDENT IS TO BE ARRANGED FOR SECSTATE. FOR THEATER INTELLIGENCE STAFF, HOWEVER, A STORY HAD TO BE CONCOCTED AND ANOTHER SOLUTION FOUND.
OUR FRIEND APOLOGIZED TO ALL AND SUNDRY FOR HAVING SUPPLIED NOW-NONEXISTENT MATERIEL TO THE SADDAM REGIME, ASSURING EVERYONE THAT US VICTORY IN THE COLD WAR HAD PROVED THAT HE AND OTHER EXTRATERRESTRIAL OBSERVERS NO LONGER NEEDED TO "HEDGE BETS" WITH NON- OR ANTI-WESTERN POWERS. I SUPPOSE THE SECOND PART IS TRUE, AS FAR AS IT GOES, BUT AN ASSUMPTION REMAINS AN ASSUMPTION. THEN HE PROVIDED COPIES OF THE ATTACHED OPERATIONAL PLAN TO BE CARRIED OUT BY THE 46 MEMBERS OF CENTCOM G-2. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE THINKING THE NUMBERS ARE WRONG. THERE ARE 46 MEMBERS OF G-2 HERE BECAUSE 2 WHO APPARENTLY SHARED SECSTATE'S RESERVATIONS SUICIDED PRIOR TO ARRIVAL OF DCI AND RETAMB. THIS IS BESIDE THE POINT. (NATURALLY, NOTES TO FAMILIES, OLD INSTRUCTORS, ETC. EXPLAINING THEIR DECISION HAVE BEEN SUPPRESSED.)
RETAMB ALSO PROVIDED ME WITH THE ENCLOSED VIDEOTAPE WHICH EXPLAINS THE OPERATIONAL PLAN. IF HE WERE HUMAN, I WOULD SAY HE WAS A SICK PUPPY, BECAUSE HE MEANS EVERY WORD AND IMAGE. GIVEN HIS ORIGINS, HOWEVER, AND HIS SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ROMERO, I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD KNOW I THINK HE IS PLANNING FOR SOME OF THESE MEN TO LIVE -- OR TO GO ON IN SOME OTHER WAY. OPTIMISTICALLY, THIS MEANS THEY WILL BECOME PART OF AN EXPERIMENT. PESSIMISTICALLY? IT'S BEST NOT TO SPECULATE ON THE POSSIBILITIES. I HOPE YOU WON'T.
BRIGADIER GENERAL COOPER, AS WITH ALL TOP-SECRET-CLEARED OFFICERS, UNDERSTOOD INSTINCTIVELY THAT RESIGNATION IN PROTEST IS NOT AN OPTION ONCE ONE HAS OBTAINED PROOF POSITIVE OF THE EXISTENCE OF RETICULANS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH WESTERN GOVERNMENTS, LET ALONE IN WARTIME. NEEDLESS TO SAY THIS MESSAGE IS NOT TO BE SHARED WITH HIM, ALTHOUGH THE OPERATIONAL PLAN ALREADY HAS BEEN. THE CASUALTY ASSISTANCE LETTER HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN BY ME. HE AND COLONEL GREEN, COMMANDING SECOND PLATOON, WILL NEED CERTAIN THINGS FROM YOU WHEN THEY GET THERE -- SPECIFICALLY, MEAT CLEAVERS, HOT PLATES, UTENSILS, STERNO POTS AND MATCHES. (THE SURVIVORS AT LEAST WILL NOT HAVE TO EAT ARAB GUTS COLD.)
NOW LET ME ANTICIPATE YOUR FIRST COMPLAINT. WE ARE SPLITTING THE 46 BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, AS EVERYONE KNOWS, THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A SUICIDE MISSION. FORCE PRESERVATION IS NO LONGER AN ISSUE OR INDEED A VIABLE POSSIBILITY. SECOND, AS RETAMB'S OBSERVATION POST HAS CONFIRMED, EACH TEAM IS GOING UP AGAINST EXACTLY 12 ADULT BIO-SIGNS OF WHICH ONE IS FEMALE. NO KIDS IN EITHER BUNKER, THANK GOD. WE BELIEVE ONE FEMALE IS SADDAM'S FIRST COUSIN AND WIFE AND THE OTHER IS "DR. GERM," WHOSE WHEREABOUTS HAVE SET OFF A BETTING POOL AMONG G-2 THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE THE HEADY DAYS RIGHT AFTER TORA BORA.
YES, I KNOW RETAMB KNOWS WHICH BUNKER SADDAM IS IN. IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE, AS IT WAS WITH OSAMA, THAT SADDAM HAS DEPARTED THE CURRENT THEATER OF OPERATIONS. DCI IS ABOVE MY PAYGRADE HOWEVER, AND HE AT LEAST APPROVED THE OPERATIONAL PLAN, IF HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR. HE'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF COLD-BLOODED SUMBITCH WHO GETS AWARDED MAJESTIC CLEARANCE -- ONE OF US, I MEAN, EVEN IF HE IS THE ONLY DEMOCRAT TO JOIN THE CLUB SINCE TRUMAN. POTUS COULDN'T REALLY KEEP HIM OUT AFTER RETAMB WALKED IN ON ONE OF THEIR CONVERSATIONS RIGHT AFTER 2001SEP11.
COOPER HAS COMPLAINED REPEATEDLY THAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE AGENT IN EVERY GROUP OF 12 BAATHISTS THAT INCLUDED SENIOR LEADERSHIP. ONE OR TWO OTHER MAJESTIES HAVE WHISPERED TO ME THAT THAT AGENT MIGHT BE SADDAM HIMSELF, WHO MIGHT ALSO WORK FOR RETAMB IN SOME CAPACITY -- THE SAME IN WHICH WE ALL DO, I GUESS. POTUS IS MUM. I'M ONLY CURIOUS BECAUSE I'M AMBITIOUS, YOU KNOW THAT. AT ANY RATE, IF IT'S TRUE, HE'LL PROBABLY BE THE ONE WHO LOWERS THE ELEVATOR AND LETS OUR BOYS IN. IF ONLY ONE BUNKER HAS AN AGENT IN IT, THE PLATOON ASSAULTING THE OTHER BUNKER WILL HAVE NO WAY IN AND PRESUMABLY BE PICKED OFF BY SURVIVING SPECIAL REPUBLICAN GUARD AS THEY TRY TO PRY THE DOORS OPEN.
THE SHIRKERS HAVING REMOVED THEMSELVES FROM THE EQUATION, I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE IN THE 2 PLATOONS YOU WILL BE RECEIVING. A NUMBER ARE FASTING SO THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CARRY OUT THE LAST PART OF THE MISSION. OTHERS HAVE WATCHED THE VIDEOTAPE WITH ME, REPEATEDLY. WE'LL KNOCK BACK A BIG THERMOS OF TURKISH COFFEE TOGETHER WHEN THIS IS OVER; IT SEEMS THE ONLY APPROPRIATE BEVERAGE FOR THIS PART OF THE WORLD. OR DO YOU PREFER A BLEND FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE GULF? SEE YOU THEN. REGARDS. FRANKS, GENERAL COMMANDING.
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Member: Jason Galbraith
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I am now an Assistant District Attorney in Gallup, New Mexico. Weather's great out here.
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