Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE OSCAR PREDICTIONS 2003 Academy Award Write-off for KristinafhMar 23, 2003 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Well SOMEONE has to win. It could happen!!!...Calculated alternatives. I should check my e-mail more often. I was sent a reminder. This posting was due day before yesterday. But, late though it is, it is with the spirit of utmost contrition and total disregard for any rational process of selection of winners that I offer these Oscar predictions . Want to know the truth? I haven’t seen most of these movies yet. My apologies for being late. My apologies for being without remorse in what I am about to say. The truth of the matter is that I seldom pay much attention to the Academy Awards, and rarely if ever, care who wins them. This year is different. I have just enough knowledge to make me dangerous. I will offer a selection process unique for each category, dependant on my familiarity with the category, the nominees or for no reason whatsoever. You have been warned. Forgive me if I offend your favorite movie. It is all in fun...or mostly all in fun. 1. BEST PICTURE Why does this award go to the PRODUCERS? Because it is the only way they can ever win an award, ever....for whatever it is they do. NOMINEES CHICAGO , Marty Richards- This producer is getting a first ever mention by the Academy. GANGS OF NEW YORK, Alberto Grimaldi, Harvey Wrisntein-Girimaldi’s first, Weinstein already won one, for SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE. Nah, pass him by. THE HOURS, Robert Fox, Scott Rundin- first time ever nominees. Fox produced IRIS another wonderful movie. THE LORD OF THE RINGS THE TWO TOWERS, Peter Jackson and his band of merry elves......., THE PIANIST Robert Bemnussa, Roman Polanski and some other Polish person MY CHOICE: None of the above? ( All right you say, what would you know? You never saw any of them! ) So the award has to be made by the DESPERATE need for recognition criteria. ...I choose the Polish folks for the Pianist. These other guys will all be back...who knows when Polanski will come out of exile? My choice: THE PIANIST Choice of the Academy: CHICAGO Update 3/23...Chicago is the winner. Surprise! ______________________________________________________ 2. BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE Adrien Brody for the PIANIST- First time ever nominee , 25 movies Nicolas Cage for ADAPTATION Already won one for LEAVING LAS VEGAS 2 nominations 54 movies Michael Caine for THE QUIET AMERICAN already won two-135 movies, 6 nominations , 2 wins Daniel Day Lewis for GANGS OF NEW YORK- 24 movies, 3 nominations, 1 win FOR MY LEFT FOOT. Jack Nicholson in ABOUT SCHMIDT -81 movies, 12 nominations, 3 wins This one requires advanced math skills. Take the number of movies they were in. Divide by the number of nominations. The Lowest number wins. Or we could just make it an old codger category, and give it to the guy who is least likely to be around next year to gather up another award. The old codger WINNER IS Michael Caine. The lowest calculated number award goes to Jack Nicholson. The crowd jeers. (The highest number to Nicholas Cage. Sorry Nick. You need to be Nominated MORE, man!) AB. 25 NC 27 MC. 22.5 DDL. 8 JN. 6.75 Probable choice of the Academy Daniel Day Lewis. Update 3/23 The winner is Adrien Brody, Maybe the system needs to be applied in reverse. _________________________________________________ 3.BEST ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE Salma Hayek for FRIDA, 40 movies, 1 nomination...I would love for her to win it. I have liked this actress for a long time Nicole Kidman for THE HOURS-50 movies, 2 nominations. I hope she doesn’t get it although she obviously expects it. Diane Lane for UNFAITHFUL 50 movies, 1 nomination. She will be grateful for any RECOGNITION, but this is her chance. Too bad that it did not happen much sooner. Julianne Moore for FAR FROM HEAVEN , 48 movies, 4 nominations...is this “Julianne Moore Day” at the Academy Awards? C’mon, one category is fair! Two is too much! Renee Zellweger for CHICAGO, 29 movies, 2 nominations...I don’t know about you but I think this homely chick is doing a bang-up job. By the numbers calculated from the stats, the winner is Julianne Moore with a calculated number of 12, followed by Renee Zellweger, who is a calculated 14.5 However, Diane Lane was outstanding in UNFAITHFUL. I would have to give it to her, and screw objectivity. SH 40 NC 25 DL 50 JM. 12 RZ. 14.5 My choice: Diane Lane Probable Academy Choice: Nicole Kidman 3/23 update Nicole Kidman is the winner. Gasp, faint...gnashing of teeth ___________________________________________________ 4. BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORT ROLE Chris Cooper for ADAPTATION, 37 movies 1 nomination Ed Harris for THE HOURS-4 nominations, in 63 movies. Is there an “I was cheated again” category? Paul Newman for ROAD TO PERDITION 95 movies, 12 nominations, 3 wins, but only one for acting, (THE COLOR OF MONEY) John C Reilly for CHICAGO 30 movies , 1 nomination Christopher Walken for CATCH ME IF YOU CAN -93 movies 2 nominations, 1 win (DEER HUNTER). Walken is suffering from the “I’ll do any movie, no matter how bad” syndrome. By the numbers, the winner is Paul Newman, who checks in with a remarkable 7.91 and who would also win it for the old codger factor. I mean he IS AN OLD CODGER. Still, if I could just give one away, it would be to Ed Harris, who is outstanding in every movie he is in, or John C. Reilly who is always excellent, or Walken who don’t have the sense God gave a goose sometimes. CC. 37 EH. 15.75 PN 7.91 JR 30 CW 42. 6 My choice, (by numbers) Paul Newman Probable Academy Choice: John C Reilly 3/23 update The winner is Chris Cooper . Well it's about time! ___________________________________________________ 5.BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE Kathy Bates in ABOUT SCHMIDT, in 64 movies, 3 nominations and 1 win. Awwwww Kathy. A woman after my own heart. I know you were good, God knows you were good-isn’t it enough to be runner up? Queen Latifah for CHICAGO, in 26 movies 1 nomination-Whoohoo! I like this chick-always thought she was hilarious, Julianne Moore for THE HOURS 48 movies 4 nominations-Winner of the The “I got nominated in more than one category “award. Now have some manners! Meryl Streep for ADAPTATION , in 65 movies , 13 nominations and 2 wins. Yep. She just keeps on acting out in front of the camera. Catherine Zeta-Jones for CHICAGO in 29 movies, 1 nomination-They give awards for THAT? I mean she IS pretty.... For the surprise factor I would give it to the Queen! But for the numbers, It is Meryl Streep. My choice would have been one that wasn’t nominated , Renee Zellweger in WHITE OLEANDER Numbers KB. 21 QL. 27 JM. 12 MS. 5 CZJ, 29 My Choice? The Queen of Course! Probable Academy Choice? Julianne Moore 3/23 update , the Winner is Catherine Zeta Jones, very pregnant. Major sour grapes from the others should be expected. ________________________________________________________ 6. BEST DIRECTOR Pedro Almodovar for HABLE CON ELLA 27 movies, 1 nomination (Note-I spoke to Pedro, and near as I can make out he said...Where is the home of your aunt? Can you show me the way to the bathroom?) Stephen Daldry for THE HOURS-4 movies, 2 nominations Rob Marshall for CHICAGO ,2 movies, 1 nomination Roman Polanski for THE PIANIST 38 movies, 4 nominations Martin Scorsese for GANGS OF NEW YORK, 37 movies 5 nominations We have a tie folks, So we will give it to the guy with the most nominations and no awards, Martin Scorsese! Actually Sam Mendes would have won it for ROAD TO PERDITION if it were up to me. Numbers PA 27 SD 2 RM 2 RP 9.5 MS. 7.4 My choice- Scorsese Academy Choice: Rob Marshall. 3/23 The winner is Polanski? I was in the bathroom, but that's what they tell me. ______________________________________________________ OK I am not going to list all the rest of the nominees, I’ll cut you a break. ______________________________________________________ 7. BEST SCREEN PLAY DIRECT TO THE SCREEN MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING -Nia Vardalos. She acted in it produced it and wrote it. That ought to count for something. BUT Nia, babe, we need to talk about titles! I can’t read Spanish very well, so I wouldn’t be able to judge two of the others... Update 3/23 The winner was Almodovar who delivered an anti war plea with his acceptance. He never found the bathroom or my aunt's house _____________________________________________________ 8. BEST ADAPTED SCREEN PLAY Peter Hedges and the Weitz brothers for ABOUT A BOY 3/23 The winner was Harwood for THE PIANIST _____________________________________________________ 9. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE ICE AGE-Chris Wedge...it is so cool! (All puns intended)....BUT I hope it goes to TREASURE PLANET, since my son in law and daughter worked on that one. 3/23 updats The winner was Spirited Away (The Japanese film, only showed at NINE theaters in the US, so none of us saw it!..but it is being released to DVD April 15.) ______________________________________________________ 10. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM I’ll take door number two-Finland. MIES VAILLA MENNEISYYTIA (Man Without a Past)...I like the story synopsis. BUT I don’t understand what the heck they are talking about. 3/23 Update The winner was Germany's Nirwenwo in Afrika ____________________________________________________ 11. BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY nominees: Dion Beebe for CHICAGO, 17 movies , one nomination Edward Lachman FAR FROM HEAVEN -47 movies, 1 nomination Michael Ballhaus GANGS OF NEW YORK 89 movies, 3 nominations Pawel Edelman THE PIANIST- 19 movies 1 nomination The late Conrad L Hall ROAD TO PERDITION- 35 movies, 10 nominations , 2 wins By the numbers and by quality the late Conrad L Hall is my pick. He was a legend. And he will be missed. Academy choice: Beebe NUMBERS DB 17 EL 47 MB 29.66 PE 19 CH 3.5 3/23 Update. The winner was Conrad L Hall . His son accepted on his behalf. He is unofficially playing out his thanks as one of the Grateful Dead ______________________________________________________ 12. BEST ART DIRECTION Numbers based on first listed. Myhre and Sim CHICAGO -13 movies, 2 nominations, 1 win del Paso , Robledo, FRIDA, 7 movies, 1 nomination Ferreti and LoSchiavo, GANGS OF NEW YORK 47 movies, 7 nominations Major, and other elves ,LORD OF THE RINGS II- 11 movies, 2 nominations Gassner and Haigh ROAD, TO PERDITION 18 movies, 3 nominations, 1 win numbers MS 6.5 DR 7 FL 6.71 ELVES 5.1 GH 6 By the Numbers, LORD OF THE RINGS II Academy choice: Chicago 3/23 the winner was CHICAGO ______________________________________ 14. BEST COSTUME DESIGN Atwood CHICAGO-43 movies, 4 nominations Weiss FRIDA , 48 movies , 2 nominations PowellGANGS OF NEW YORK -29 movies, 5 nominations, 1 win Roth, THE HOURS , 95 movies 4 nominations, 1 win Sheppard, THE PIANIST, 15 movies , 2 nominations Numbers A 10.75 W 24 P 5.8 R 23.75 S 7.5 By the Numbers, GANGS OF NEW YORK Academy pick: CHICAGO 3/23. The Winner was Atwood for CHICAGO ___________________________________________________ 15. BEST EDITING I throw the nominees in the hat and come up with.....-a smashed hat! Give it to the one with the shortest run time. That means the best editing right?....and the winner is.... CHICAGO 113 minutes GANGS OF NEW YORK 166 minutes THE HOURS 114 minutes LOTRTT-179 minutes (!!!) THE PIANIST 148 minutes You do the math....(Update 3/23...yup! What did I say?!) ______________________________________________________ 16. BEST SOUND– ROAD TO PERDITION, Semanick.. Sound is a character itself in this movie. 3/23 The winner was LOTR2T _______________________________________________ 17. BEST MUSIC ORIGINAL SCORE John Williams, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN 189 movies, 40 Oscar nods, 5 wins. ELmer Bernstein, FAR FROM HEAVEN ,246 Movies, 18 nominations, 1 win Elliot Goldenthal, FRIDA, 27 movies 4 nominations Philip Glass , THE HOURS 49 movies , 2 nominations Thomas Newman, ROAD TO PERDITION , 67 movies, 5 nominations By the numbers John Williams should win. By personal experience, Thomas Newman did a fabulous job. The music is more important than the dialog. Look at how many movies these guys do...can anyone say PROLIFIC? My Choice? Thomas Newman Academy Choice? Williams , again Numbers JW 4.725 EB 13.66 EG 6.75 PG 24.5 TN 13.4 Update 3/34. Rats, it was Goldenthal _________________________________________________ 18. BEST SONG I pick Emimen for “Lose Yourself” (and suggest he follow his own advice) Academy: Whatever was in Chicago 3/23 update. So did the Academy.(I mean choose my song!) Hey! I got 2 so far! ________________________________________________________ 19. BEST MAKE UP John M Elliott Jr for THE TIME MACHINE update 3/23 It was the other one for FRIDA ______________________________________________________ 20. BEST SOUND EFFECTS ROAD TO PERDITION 3/23 Udate. The winner was CHICAGO ____________________________________________________ 21. BEST VISUAL EFFECTS SPIDER-MAN ( ....hey wasn't that BEST PICTURE?) 3/23 Update...The winner was LORD OF THE RINGS THE TWO TOWERS ____________________________________________________ 22. BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE 3/23 Update. Moore accepted the Oscar, but brought all the other nominees on stage to deliver an anti-war message, for which he received a round of hearty BOOS. The Academy official came on next and looked very nervous. What I will remember from the entire experience is SHAME on you, Mr Bush! ________________________________________________________ 23. BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT TWIN TOWERS 3/23 Update. Hey! I got another one. That makes 4! ____________________________________________________ 24. SHORT ANIMATED MT HEAD, Koji Yamamura (when in doubt, chose the Japanese film) 3/23 Update . It went to the Chubchubs or something of the sort. ________________________________________________________ 25. SHORT FILM LIVE ACTION INJA(Dog) (Great title anyway) 3/23 update. It went to the Finnish film....Charming Man? ___________________________________________________________ In addition, Peter O'Toole received the TOUGH LUCK OSCAR for being nominated 7 times and never winning. Ed Harris looked on, thinking, "Three more nominations and I can get one of those!". For the last few categories, hey, your guess is as good as mine. I am not bloody likely to see ANY of them, am I? THAT’S IT FOLKS..... except for THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE UNIVERSITY PICKS ARE: Ed Harris to win the 1. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO WIN ONE? AWARD (update 3/23 Still Stands) Conrad L Hall wins 2. I WON’T BE BACK AWARD and the 3. LEAST LIKELY TO SHOW UP FOR THE CEREMONY, shared with Roman Polanski. Michael Caine, Jack Nicholson, and Paul Newman will have to duke it out for the 4.OLD CODGER AWARD I predict Nicole Kidman will earn the 5. SOUR GRAPES AWARD when she loses AGAIN. 3/23 update: Guess I'll have to eat those grapes myself...or share it with Julianne Moore, who looked visibly p*ssed off. Richard Gere wins the 6. HEY WHAT ABOUT ME ? I WAS IN THAT MOVIE TOO! AWARD Russel Crowe to to Win the 7. WHO GIVES A SH*T ANYWAY? AWARD He will not be coming, but he will get a complementary gold tipped enema bag for his personal use. (3/23 Update. Crowe sent a message through Nicole Kidman. The award remains his.) You guys all see me after for your high colonic. Let’s see did I forget anyone? ....Good night Gracie. Note: It took me 8 hours to post this. Epinions will not let me put in html code. I put it in, I take it out, I put it in, I take it out, I put it in, I take....you get the picture? no closing" b", yada, yada....and when I report it...well they claim it isn't so....so it isn't all my fault that this review is lame and ugly. 3/23 I didn't do so good on my OWN picks, but did a little better on Academy picks. I got 4, my predictive Academy got 10. Maybe next year I'll SEE a movie before I write a prediction! But I think they ought to seriously consider my calculating system. they wouldn't have to waste so much time watching movies......  |
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