Lenny Shackleton Goes Berserk and Throws Everyone In Jail Apr 01 '03    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Movies Love and Basketball From $6 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy From $8 The Bottom Line Lenny has had it rough. Fired from his telemarketing job, he's mainly been festering on his sofa. Here's an account of one of his better days. Today, I contemplated my eventual and unavoidable death for three or four hours less than the usual eight owing to an enjoyable thought exercise that diverted my attention for the better part of the afternoon. As usual, my deviated septum had caused me to call in sick from the new temp job (data entry for my local chapter of the DMV), and as my soaps were cancelled in lieu of war broadcasting, I was left with nothing much to do. My thoughts were a joyous blank until suddenly the neighbor’s boom box began to blare something with unconscionably loud bass. I thought to myself, If this miscreant were incarcerated for playing his stereo this loudly (and for such poor taste in music), he couldn’t bother me now. But what if he got out? Like all these recidivists, he would just go home and crank up his M & M or Deathrow Tull, or whatever that is he listens to. Yes, his sentence would have to be extremely severe, not only to teach him a good lesson, but to keep him from ever again disturbing another tax-paying citizen. 25 years, I said to myself. That’s what this noise pollutionist deserves! Then I thought about some of the other offenders who have affronted me or otherwise perturbed me this past month, and I drafted a little list of crimes and what I deemed their worthy punishments. Forget about petty larceny and smoking crank. These are some of the things that really get on my nerves, and some suggested prison sentences: * Littering… 5-10 years * Smoking cigarettes anywhere outside the home… 25 years to life * Smoking in an enclosed space (e.g. elevator, stairwell, lobby, office)... 1rst Offense, 40 years; 2nd, life in prison (possibility of parole after 60 years) * Owning a dog that barks loudly… 10 years (dogs with shrill barks), 8 years (dogs with lower pitched barks) * Standing around in a large group on the sidewalk, taking photos… 3-5 years * Wearing heavy cologne or perfume… 10 years (in open spaces), 15 (in an elevator) * Allowing sound to leak through Walkman headphones on bus or subway… 25 years (15-20, good behavior) * Chewing gum and cracking bubbles… 15 years * Throwing gum on the sidewalk… Life in prison * Spitting… Case by case review: If determined gratuitous, 30 years. If by necessity, 6 months community service * Not cleaning up after dog… Life in prison (possibility of parole after 35 years) * Possessing obnoxious car alarm… 50 years without parole * Allowing car alarm to blare for more than three minutes… Death sentence * Entering subway cars before passengers have exited… 15-25 years hard labor * Being drunk in a residential area and singing or screaming at night on the street… 22 years * Being curt or rude… 5-7 years (restaurant and hotel staff), 3 years (bank tellers) * Sending spam… 30 years hard labor * Driving too slowly… 6 years * Honking unnecessarily… Life in prison (possibility of parole after 25 years) * Blaring music from a car stereo... 40 years (music with light bass), 60 w/o parole (heavy bass) * Stealing a parking space... Death by electrocution * Whistling/Hooting at women, or otherwise being a boor… 18-20 years * Clipping nails or grooming on the subway… 8-10 years * Leaving fliers in residences (e.g. menus)… 12 years correctional facility (8, good behavior) * Talking during a movie… 25 years * Talking during a concert or theatrical production… 30 years + $50,000 fine * Cutting ahead of the line... 25 years (40 if in airport or post office) * Having cell phone ring in theater or concert… 75 years (parole after 50) * Using cell phone for 2+ unnecessary calls on public transportation… 50-70 years * Using cell phone in restaurant (2+ unnecessary calls)… Life in prison * Possessing cell phone that rings with a musical ditty… 18-20 years * Talking on cell phone loudly anywhere… 15-18 years * Failing to attempt to pacify one’s crying baby while in transit… $10,000 fine * Allowing the engine of one’s large vehicle, bus or truck to idle unnecessarily… 5 years * Owning an SUV… 10-12 years (Note: I realize this one requires outlawing SUVs) * Nagging me to clean my room… 7 years (5 for good behavior) * Nagging me for alimony checks when I don’t have the money… 15-20 years * Nagging me to buy her a new computer, even thought her old one is perfectly fine… 4 years * Nagging me about getting a full time job, even though my deviated septum is a serious illness that causes me great duress… 12-15 years and psychiatric evaluation * Nagging me about my being on time, even though when I was late it was because I hadn’t finished my prayers and couldn’t leave unless my Psychic returned my messages… 3-6 years * Failing to return my calls even though I’m family and need to borrow a few thousand dollars… 15-20 years (10, good behavior) * Calling me just as I've sat down on the toilet... Six months-1 year, plus discretionary fine * Leaving a mess in my car after I drive her back to college… 4 years * Pretending to be my best friend but never returning my calls… 25 years hard labor * Failing to return books or CDs I’ve lent 2+ months ago… 10-12 years * Handling my CDs on the data surface... 5-7 years * Leaving my books splayed open spine up... 10-12 years (8, good behavior) * Dog-earing books borrowed from me... 25 years house arrest * Doing shoddy work on my filling and causing me to get root canal… Life in prison * Failing to get me a decent tax break on my returns… 15-20 years * Teasing me in High School during gym class… Death by lethal injection * Giving me a B- in Freshman English for one late paper… 35-40 years without possibility of parole * Refusing to give me a solo adult Bar Mitzvah, and thereby forcing me to convert with a bunch of losers… 12-15 years * Having no grasp of the basics of grammar despite being a Sophomore at Vassar… 4 years (to be served consecutively with the punishment for asking me for a new computer) * Being a supercilious and deceitful doorman… 18-20 years * Making me wait for the elevator while you load your house with gym equipment you will never use… 30 years, maximum security * Giving me nasty looks in the elevator… 10-15 years * Refusing to be civil even though I brought you to a decent restaurant and paid for everything but the tip and the alcoholic beverages (all of which were yours)… 18-20 years * Angrily quoting me a passage from Leviticus when you know darn well I’m familiar with Scripture… 5-7 years plus community service * Charging me for seven additional Psychic Hotline calls when my own records show these were no longer than a minute, and therefore should not have registered on my bill… Life in prison * Telling me my deviated septum is no longer a viable excuse for worker’s compensation … Death by lethal injection Well, this happy vision was not easy to sustain with all that insidious racket bleeding in from next door. I was all ready to lose my temper and bang on the wall when suddenly everything went quiet. A moment later, I heard my neighbor’s door open and close. The troglodyte had temporarily abandoned his hovel. When I considered how this fool and everyone else had really put ME in a kind of prison with all their relentless persecution, noise making, nagging, rudeness, teasing, carelessness, and all their other crimes, I decreed LIFE SENTENCES FOR EVERYONE. As the day wore on and the realization of my inevitable extinction resurfaced, I thought about how lonely it might be without my friends and work associates (not to mention my family), and in my mind I pardoned them all and released them, just like the governor, from their dread sentences. Everyone fell prostrate at my feet, but I told them to raise their heads up and to remember that it is not I but God who bestows the Final Judgment and that they may go freely, only quietly and with no cell phones, boom boxes or car alarms. Amen.

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