Apr 1, 2003

The Bottom Line Practical yet radical idealistic yet realistic!

The publishing of this epistle on April 1, otherwise known as April Fools Day, in no way diminishes the power of the message. As usual everything is true except for what isn’t.

Alexander Graham Bell had a crazy idea. So did Leonardo da Vinci, the Wright Brothers and countless others. So why can't I? Good, I knew you would agree.

Now in this day and age every country is concerned about illegal immigrants. And there is good reason because often amongst their ranks are terrorists and other highly undesirables.

At the time of writing the United States has a double problem. One is the almost free for all entry of illegal immigrants from Mexico and the other is infiltration by terrorists. Obviously no matter what is done the problem will still exist but one of the greatest aids, despite modern technology, is to be completely surrounded by sea rather than have land boundaries.

There is a further problem the USA has that it often fails to recognise itself. That is the weather is appalling. But if we use Australia as an example both problems could be solved very easily.

Ever wondered why Australia is much warmer on average than most Northern Hemisphere countries? The answer is very simple. That is all the major block of European and North American land is approximately three thousand kilometers closer to the North Pole than Australia is to the South Pole. You can see this very clearly on a map. The Tropic of Cancer in the North passes through Mexico. It misses the USA and Europe completely.

Now the Tropic of Capricorn, the equal of the Tropic of Cancer, passes through almost the dead centre of Australia. This means of course Australia is much nearer the equator.

Until now no-one has been told this so please keep it that way. Up until the First World War Australia was joined to Papua New Guinea and Indonesia. We had terrible trouble keeping them out and many people would say "if only" there was sea between us.

After World War one there was much unemployment so the Government reminded the people about our mateship which was probably developed at the "Eureka Stockade" and definitely set in concrete at Gallipoli during the "Great War". The government also reminded the people of our illegal immigrant problem.

Australia's most sacred prayer was said;

Age shall not weary them
nor the years condemn
At the going down of the Sun
and in the morning
We will remember them.

Well the burst of patriotism was horrendous. On March tenth, 1921 every Australian from ten years of age grabbed a pick and shovel and headed for the Northern Boundary with New Guinea and Indonesia. On arrival everyone spread out along the border and started digging. Well it was incredible - in a few short years a huge channel had been dug right along the boundary. Everyone was ordered back from the channel and fifty men at each end dug out the remainder. The Pacific Ocean came rushing in and the other end was almost dug out as it roared through into the Indian Ocean. There was mud and rubbish flying everywhere and all the Aussies ran for their very lives. Fortunately all just made it!
As they lay exhausted on what would soon be a beach there it was! One small piece of land sticking up out of the sea! Some thought it was funny and as it was near Christmas, and in the heat of the moment, they called it Christmas Island. But others thought one day that damn thing will cause us trouble! The mood on the "beach" suddenly changed and a hundred and fifty ran off into the bush and haven't been seen since. They are still on our "most wanted" list.
So what does this mean for the USA? It is so simple, just like Baird with his telephone I guess I will be laughed at, but here is what you do.

First buy Mexico - won't cost much and then make every Mexican a U.S. citizen - illegal immigrant problem solved! Then bomb the hell out of the place just to flatten it out a bit.

The piece de resistance is through exhaustive calculation nine hundred and twenty seven nuclear bombs placed strategically along the San Andreas fault will split Mexico cleanly off the bottom of the USA and at the same time it will tear away from the top of South America. Mexico will float out into the Pacific and be sunk by the USAF.

So now illegal immigration is gone and only one land boundary is left, but that one causes no problem.

Now the most important stage is to get every ship you can find and back them in to the new south coast. Fix strong steel cables well back into the land and slowly pull the continent half way to South America.
When that point is reached stop. The weather will be significantly improved as a bonus.

Now radical to be sure. But like all great ideas they seem a little "off" at first glance. But I bet inside a week there will be unanimous support and poor old President Bush stands a chance to really be elected.

Notice how it all fits together, even the timing. Give it some thought and then surprise the world!

Read all comments (19)

About the Author ID:
Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
Reviews written: 521
Trusted by: 393 members
About Me: my FIRST BOOK is now at