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Mr. Kojak Bumble Balls tells all for Corpgent W/O.Apr 14 '03 (Updated Jun 28 '03) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line I feel I have a rear unknown disorder
I have to admit at first I thought writing about myself was just too self-serving. I actually mocked another member for coming up with the idea of writing a review entitled 20 things you should know about ME. But after the very ☺ talented corpgent asked me to participate in his write-off on this subject, I decided to consider it. When aashok and andymcf also asked for me to join the write-off, I decided to give it a try, but could not promise. Then the bombshell Mimi369 demanded I joined the write-off. Since the stockholder loves brown sugar so much, this write-off became priority #1. Since this write-off is aimed towards the 20 things that most people do not know about me, I will not include some of the things you might already know about me like, my overwhelming gas, idiot son-in-law, my man boobs etc.. I will try and dig deep in my past and also talk a little bit about the Chuck Broginger of today. 1. I got married on June 14. 1964. I did not love the woman I married with all of my heart, things never worked out the way I hoped. But we stayed together to make things easier on our children. She died on June 14. 1995. My kids now that they are adults, tell me they would have understood if I left the marriage. But at the time I could not take that chance. 2. I think British Prime Minister Tony Blair is one of the greatest men on earth. When I hear and see his conviction, I always get weepy. 3. At one point in my life I had my own company that did very well. When the company failed, I was forced to tell 11 people that they no longer had a job. Ten of those people were very understanding and some actually felt worse for me than they felt for themselves. But one guy that only worked for me for a year threatened my life and promised that one day he would kill me. He stalked my previous home with crank calls and even went into my daughter's job. To this day I look over my shoulder. 4. I have been going out on dates with a woman my age that works at the neighborhood 7-11. The only problem is she likes to do old people stuff. 5. When I was 12 years old, I found out the hard way that I am extremely allergic to Bee Stings. I was bit on my penis. The swelling spread and I could not get out of bed for two days. The neighborhood kids found out and I never heard the end of it. My nickname was Bumble Balls. 6. In 1976, I shaved my head to look like Telly Savalas; I thought looking like Kojak would get me tons of women; I even carried the little lollipops in my pocket. Before I even dared to put one of the lollipops in my mouth, I was bombarded with laughter from my employees. My face turned red like an apple and I needed to leave work early. Until I was able to grow my hair back, I needed to fabricate a story of an illness just so they would stop calling me Kojak. 7. I live a sad non-eventfull life. The only enjoyment I have is Epinions, food and my family that is far too busy most of the time to keep me company. I recently was thrilled when I received my very own video card which enables me to rent all of Mfunk75's favorite movies. 8. I call my local radio station every night to talk about current events on the air. After calling for two years, they gave me a special number that gets me straight through to their producers. The radio personalities offered to pay me $100 to come into their studio to talk about the war in Iraq. They said I would only be needed for two hours, but I could be called back once a week. I’m thinking about it because I need the money. But I’m also nervous. 9. As a youngster I was a good baseball player, I received great recognition and fame in high school and was scouted by many colleges and one professional team. I was a pitcher that could throw extremely hard with an overwhelming curveball. But drinking and laziness prevented me from achieving anything. My baseball coach would need to look for me on game day. I would usually be found drunk in the park with a bunch of losers. Before alcohol became my favorite hobby, at the age of fourteen, I pitched a perfect game against the varsity team and struck out 16 batters in a row at an all-star game. 10. I enjoy oral immensely, but won't pay a penny over $20 dollars. 11. I always write on Epinions with my pants off. I wear nothing but my boxer shorts and no shirt. My daughter laughed when she caught me wearing just SpongeBob SquarePants underwear, black socks and a watch. 12. I have been broke for a while now. Saving money has been the hardest thing for me to do because I am living on shoestring budget and live check to check. But recently I saved $4,550 dollar and I had plans on buying my grandson, the Fartknuckle a swimming pool for his backyard. But being the irresponsible idiot that I am, I wagered $4,000 on the Oakland Raiders in the Super Bowl and lost it all. Luckily, my son (Mr. Moneybags) found out and has already bought the pool. Even though he has children of his own, he wanted to buy the pool for his nephew. 13. My doctor tells me I will not live very long. He says the combination of my age, weight and high blood pressure should kill me soon. He wants me to eat healthy, take pills and exercise. But I’m too spoiled, lazy and undisciplined to keep up with all of that nonsense. I like to eat everything in sight and sit on my computer chair all day. One of my biggest problems is that I never drink water, I live off Diet Pepsi and Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee. But yet I’m still very, very sexy? 14. I feel I have a rear unknown disorder that gives me a strange urge to kick midgets and dwarfs like a football. The few times that I have seen adults in person that are under 4 feet tall, I envisioned kicking them and watching them fly over thirty yards. Of course I have never acted on this urge, Yet. 15. I was very angry when I heard my 7-year-old grandson singing strange sexual lyrics - later I found out he was singing a new R. Kelly song. I asked my daughter where my grandson heard this pervert’s song. When she told me it is all over the radio, MTV and has sold over 2 million records, I almost got sick. I thought the rapist's career was over when his home video with a 14 year-old-girl hit the streets! The number one thing that makes me angry is how easy child molesters have it in America!!! If it was up to me R. Kelly would be singing with his dick chopped off. 16. My daughter calls me her hero more often than she calls me dad. Ever since the day I nearly beat to death a rapist that broke into our house. She was minutes away from being attacked when I came home and saw the creep hiding in the next room from where my daughter was watching TV. I thank God almost every day that I came home when I did. 17. When I exercise with my son, I bench press 55 lbs 5 times and curl 40 lbs with each arm 10 times. I ride the exercise bike for 10 minutes, and then I drink Gatorade and watch my son exercise for another hour. But yet I remind him that I can still kick his butt with the greatest of ease. He smiles and says that he knows ... Yeah right. 18. After the Fartknuckle and I watched 8 Mile starring the rapper Eminem. My seven-year-old grandson attempted to make jokes towards me with the same style as Eminem did in the movie. He told me my mother smells like a hippopotamus’s butt and said look at this guy he needs to eat - somebody get him a biscuit. I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle in my ribcage. 19. I believe in free speech but I also feel people should love it or leave it when it comes to the greatest country in the world... (No Mike, not Canada) ... The U.S.A 20. I have a crush on sordid-1 and crave attention from him. I often have a dream where I wake-up in the middle of the night with a 17-inch sub sandwich in my hands, in my dream I walk over and turn on my computer and notice sordid-1 put me on his Web of Trust. I stand up and rejoice like a schoolgirl, spanking my own buttocks, just to later notice that it is really only sleeper54 that put me on his Web of Trust. The pain and disappointment is unbearable, so I eat the whole sandwich. Read 21 through 2,967 stockholder  |
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