20 Things No Human Ever Needed to Know About Me (Corpgent's Write-Off)
Apr 07 '03 (Updated May 01 '03)
The Bottom Line I'm a little odd - and now my enemies can point to this article as proof.
Aaahhh... when your life is one bit of drama after the next, where to start... where to start.. And after starting - how in the hell do you narrow it down to the top 20? I think that my top 20 will include the extreme experiences and eccentricities that make me who I am. If I run out of those - I'll just ramble on about boring stuff that only my family would care about. Fair enough?
ONE! (better known as "start out with a bang!") A little known fact outside of my family core is some of the bizarre incidents we have had with our beloved pets. For starters, in fourth grade, my hamsters - Laverne and Shirley - developed a bizarre condition which compelled them to eat their own legs. Yes, they feasted on their appendages, until they were little more than rolling stumps. Quite traumatic this little experience was - and was not lessened by us taking them to the pet store and overhearing the pet store clerk tell my dad he would just "whack them with a hammer" in the back room. I'm not sure my sister and I ever fully-recovered.
Then there were the two dogs whose penises EXPLODED. Yes, this can happen. The little red lipstick finds its way out and can not find its way home. Too much blood builds up and BOOM!! The first dog was bad enough.. but upon taking the second to the vet - he looked at us like we were doing something sordid with our animals.
The last bizarre animal tale involved two canaries. Ernie and Bird. Bird was the bird world's equivalent of Hannibal Lecter. Bird scared Ernie so much, that Ernie tried to look cool, just hanging out at the feeder, munching on some seed. The problem was - this was Ernie's only escape. Eventually Ernie was the size of a handball. He could barely move. I took him to my friend, who was in vet school - and he just couldn't believe a bird could eat himself to death. It was yet another traumatic animal experience for the book of oddities.
Bird spent the rest of his life alone - and from time to time, I caught a glimpse of what must have been pure evil in those eyes. Needless to say - Bird moved into my sister's room so I could actually sleep at night. I didn't want to end up swallowing my tongue from Bird's mental suggestions.
On to TWO: I only like to wear panties with winnie-the-pooh characters on them. They come in pretty colors, they're cute - and believe it or not - the Disney store has some of the best fitting panties in town. I have converted several other females to pooh-panty freakdom. There's nothing like seeing a smiling little piglet, right before you zip up your pants.
THREE: I love tiny things. I have an entire garden on my patio that is filled with miniature rose bushes. They're so cute - I go outside and talk baby talk to them, because they're so itty-bitty and darling. Then I water them - and all the water sloshes down onto the people entering and exiting the bar I live over. Whoops! I love my flowers.. My patio is a sort of refuge. I get to wave at the old couple in the high-rise across from me. They wave back, we smile - and all is good in the world.
FOUR: I'm 33 and single - blah. I'm actually pretty content, but I would like to have a family someday. My friends get frustrated with me because they think I have an almost Seinfeld-ish freakout level about the stupidest things. I know that no one is perfect – but I do expect certain qualities in a man. I want funny - but not in the obvious way... more in the sarcastic, dry sense of humor way. If you force me to sit down and listen to an actual joke (this will be mentioned later in this list) I will not be happy. On the other hand, if you accidentally walk into a glass door – I will really crack up. And I’m not selfish in this area – I’m always running into things and tripping. Give and take.. that’s what it’s all about. I also want cleanliness when it comes to a guy's body. I want to be able to eat a steak dinner off of there. If I see you holding a q-tip by the dirty part, do you think I’m going to want to be touched later on? Um… NO. I also have a super human sense of smell... so cater to it. In return, you will get yourself a female that smells like a cupcake. If you can’t at least smell nice for me, go wallow in your filth and leave me to my retching.
FIVE: I am the president of the arachnophobia club. I have so many war stories involving myself and spiders - you would never believe... tarantulas in my bedroom (daddy - i don't have my contacts in... what is that big thing on the wall) or my favorite... brushing hair, feeling a few strands running down my back - realizing they aren't strands, but SPIDERS!!! Running running running... but the spiders are still on my back. I'm going to be sick. My dad used to feed tarantulas to the geese. I can still remember that crunching noise and it gives me nightmares!! But I'm not afraid of snakes - so there's something.
SIX: I love animals. They're my favoritest thing in the whole, wide, world. They’re so cute and cuddly – and innocent. Living in Dallas, I’m treated to lots and lots of animal fur – but mainly on bad face-lift looking wenches who think they look better in a coat than the animal did. Because I'm totally against the fur-trade, I drive around with a bloody looking "FUR IS DEAD" bumper sticker on my car. It has been said more than once that I may be one of the few radical conservatives living on this planet. I'm definitely not a liberal. I'm a conservative who loves animals.
SEVEN: NATHAN NATHAN NATHAN!!! If you know me - you know my dog, Nathan. He's my little Ed McMahon. Wherever I go - he follows. He's my only roommate - and probably the sweetest guy in my life right now. I could go on and on and on about how funny he is, how smart he is – and why I just love him to death, but I’ll save that for some other piece.. because now is all about ME ME ME. But Nathan is the love of my life... and he is much the momma's boy.
EIGHT: Enough about me - let's talk about ME. I'm a web designer for a large medical company. I love my job - but the drive sucks and I work for a first time manager who still has that "I like to be a hands-on manager" attitude going on. What does that mean to me? A heap of unnecessary miles on my car - and a small fortune in gas. If only I could find something closer I would be ecstatic.
NINE: I rebel against EVERYTHING - even when it's stupid. I don't like the concept of my life being made up of things that "I have to do - no questions asked". It's all in my mind - I know this. I'm up at the crack of dawn on weekends, but I can just barely make it out of bed on weekdays. Why? Because I have to.
TEN: I love naps - but I'm a total insomniac. The naps come when I'm taking a day off of work... and what fabulous naps they are. Curled up on the couch with my pup.. fan blowing a breeze across our fur. ZZZZZZZZ. But contrast that to 10pm bedtime on a work night. The hours click by - even after taking sleeping aids... I toss, I turn - sometimes I even shout in my delerium (this scares Nathan). But eventually I drift off into a deep sleep just 10 minutes before my alarm goes off and starts my heart pounding. See - this just isn't working for me.
ELEVEN: I have bizarre thoughts on food.. what I hate, what I love, etc. I don’t like water – I think milk is what water should taste like. I don’t mind certain parts of a tomato – if prepared just right. But if I see any of that snail trail lookin’ seeded sludge on something I eat – I gag. Too much citrus tears up my mouth – I once went on a diet that required me to eat two entire pineapples and one whole papaya in the course of one day. My tongue started bleeding profusely. My sense of smell also makes me overly wary of food expiration. I’ve gone to my parents house on more than one occasion and thrown out lunch meat that I thought was bad, only to have my mom tell me she had just purchased and opened it that day. Whoops. I have dated someone whose least favorite food was mushrooms – which happens to be one of my favorite foods. The thought of a lifetime of cooking sans mushrooms actually depressed me. I like Coke, but not Pepsi – I like Diet Pepsi, but not Diet Coke.. I actually like Diet Vanilla Coke the best – but that’s different. I’m also fascinated that you can’t order Dr. Pepper in New York. People look at you like you’re a moron – but I think anyone who doesn’t offer Dr. Pepper as a beverage choice is a little off their rocker.
TWELVE: When I’m depressed – I only want to watch scary movies. I don’t want to see stupid romantic comedies that are nothing like real relationships. I want to see stupid people being hacked into little pieces. Then I want them to catch the bad guy at the end. Bad guy kills, bad guy almost gets away – bad guy gets it up the rump… Justice 101.
THIRTEEN: I’m highly superstitious. Anyone who knows me has heard me scream “Don’t incite the jinx!!!” on more than one occasion. Sometimes I will even brag about the opposite of what I want to happen, with the thought that I can fool the jinx – and it will be incited in reverse, thus giving me what I want.. so I’m going to skip number thirteen… other than to reiterate that I’m superstitious.
FOURTEEN: I have a sort of fetish for bunny slippers. I’m constantly on the lookout for the perfect bunny slipper. I once had a pair – but a friend of mine spilled red wine all over them. They were never the same again. And the company quit making them. I currently have about 10 pairs stacking up in my closet. I have one pair I really like – but the lady charged me so much for them, I hate to wear them, except on special occasions.. and I’m sorry, there aren’t that many special occasions that dictate wearing bunny slippers.
FIFTEEN: I go through phases of what I want to smell like. Sometimes perfume – sometimes food. I went through a major kick of wanting to smell like chocolate. I found 3 different types of chocolate perfume. One day, I had to go to the (eh hem) “female” doctor. All these pregnant women in the waiting room became very active. They were talking about craving cookies – and did someone smell chocolate. It made me really nervous to be the source of this – so I got off of the chocolate phase. However, my favorite thing to buy is body products that smell good and come in cute little containers. My most recent order is everything from shampoo to foot crème – all in the scent of crème brulee. I can’t wait.
SIXTEEN: I get really irritated when people don’t follow certain rules in society. Mad to the point I almost blow a gasket. Some of these include: Mexican lunch wagons who drive 40 in the fast lane when I’m late for work. One of my friends actually saw one of these things wipe out. No one was injured – but there was food strewn all over the highway, and it caused a major traffic jam.
I don’t like people who talk on cell phones in elevators. I feel like they can wait a few minutes and spare me having to listen to their conversation. It makes me really uncomfortable. Does anyone remember the guys who dressed up in cell phone costumes, and would go dance around people in the streets who were being obnoxious with their cell phone use? I loved that!
I don’t like having my personal space invaded unless I know someone really well. My mom used to get very nervous going to places like K-Mart with me, because if someone actually touched me while standing in line, I would kind of jab them and make a bad face.
Oh - and I forgot to finish about the joke thing. I don't like people who tell dumb jokes. I spend the whole joke thinking about how I'm going to fake laugh - how I'm going to look like I really think it's funny, so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.. I spend so much time dreading the unavoidable ending - I miss the joke, so there's no way I could have laughed... even if it was actually funny. So when people say "you wanna hear a joke" I just say "no" and run away.
This category could go on and on – so I’m stopping now.
SEVENTEEN: I can’t handle silence when I’m in a group. It makes me nervous. I come from a loud family – and the only time things were quiet was when someone was getting ready to “get it”. So if I’m with a group of people, and the uncomfortable silence starts creeping up… I will fill it by babbling about nothing. I rarely finish a meal when I’m with people I don’t know well – because I can’t handle everyone sitting in silence. I also need the television as background noise. I live in a small, loft apartment – which is basically just one room… I am frequently teased for having three televisions and two dvd players in this one room. I don’t think there’s anything humorous about it. If I wanted to watch tv in bed, I had to move the couch a little to the left – so I got another tv. I couldn’t see the tv while I was drying my hair – which was slowing me down in the mornings, so I got another tv. I’ve joked about this – but I’m halfway serious… I may be the only female in the world who would accept an enormous engagement plasma tv.
EIGHTEEN: My least favorite type of person on the planet is the passive aggressive person. These are dangerous people and can inflict all sorts of emotional damage on my type of person. I am the “open book with very sensitive feelers, ensconced in a crusty shell made up of a yappy mouth and big opinions” type. I tend to say what I feel way too frequently – and I’m constantly duped by the two-faced people. I just have a front and a back – and I’m pretty much me all the time. I also can’t look someone in the eye if I really don’t like them, or I’m upset. Which makes it very difficult for me to function in an office full of women half of the time.
NINETEEN: There’s no way anyone is still reading this… but I’ll continue. Right up there with Nathan, my favorite and only niece is the one and only Ali Grace. She’s only two – but she’s brilliant. Her big word right now is "hilarious" – and to say she’s “just jokin’ it”. She also calls me “Hol” and my mom “Nan”. She’s on a slang kick. My mom and I both like forensics shows, CSI, etc.. We realized Ali Grace had been hearing too much of this, when we were outside and she looked at something (don’t remember what it was) and she said “Maggots, Nana!” Two year olds – they just say the cutest things.
TWENTY: I’m an Aquarius – and all that nonsense pretty much fits me perfectly. I’m the absent minded professor… Very, very smart – but sometimes lacking in the basics. I changed my entire degree in college so I didn’t have to take algebra. Of course now I regret that – but at the time, it seemed like a good idea. I’m a dreamer – and I have high hopes for the future. I don’t plan things out all that well – just tend to let the chips fall where they may. Someone must be looking out for me – because up until this point, it’s all gone pretty good. Now if I’m struck by a speeding train and killed tomorrow – someone please use this last paragraph on tv... it will make for a good news segment.
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Member: Holli
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