"Is he coming home?"Apr 07 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Young children have special needs when it comes to being told about the death of a loved one. But it is no less important that they are treated with respect.
This is an old review that I'd written almost 3 years ago. I've had some time to think on many of the issues, and have revamped the review after my recollection. My husband's brother Todd was killed in an automobile accident. He was young and left behind a wife and two children. This was the first time in our lives that we had ever experienced any sadness of this magnitude. We found out in a most horrible way. I was on my way home from work, so my husband got the news via telephone with no one else in the house. Ty (my then 3 year-old son) and I walked in to his sobbing and upon hearing the news, Ty began to cry and say "We'll take him to the doctor appointment to make him better." As we prepared to make the 10 hour journey home, we discussed Ty's being able to come to the funeral. My husband did not want Ty to see Todd and remember him in a casket. He wanted to protect him, as can be understood. But Death is as much a part of Life as living. Too harsh a life lesson for a 3 year old? I wasn't sure, so I did some research at about 2 a.m. that morning. What I found out is that we should include Ty in our good-bye rituals. Young children do, however, have special concerns that need to be met. Here's what I learned: The Truth is a Hard Pill to Swallow Ty had to be told what was going on, and I found out that it was hard for me to explain the situation to Ty and be sensitive to my husband at the same time. I explained that Todd was in a car accident and he died, and that he is in Heaven with God now. I also told him that we would see him again one day, when we went to be with God also. I found out that Ty, even at 3, had a firm understanding of what I was telling him and asked me some excellent questions. The idea I wanted to get across to Ty was that everyone does die, but that we have something wonderful waiting for us when we do. It is very important that you not tell your children that their dead loved one is asleep, or other such euphemisms. Besides it not being truthful, it can cause children to be afraid to go to sleep themselves for fear of not waking up. Children need to know what is real, and what is fantasy. Further, you may have to tell the child quite a few times that their loved one isn't coming back to live with them, but that you will always be able to remember and love them, even though they aren't physically present. Children are very Resilient I was terribly worried that Ty would be upset by seeing Todd in the casket or that he may later develop an unnatural fear of death. I found, though, that the only thing that bothered Ty was seeing how upset his father was. Ty had never seen his dad cry before, so when he did, he cried. I considered all of this perfectly natural and just explained to Ty that we were all sad because Todd was in Heaven and we missed him. He accepted this completely and went off to play with his cousins. Children have a Right to say Good-bye They allowed us to view the body a day before the actual visitation and for this we did get a baby-sitter. I knew that would be the hardest time for all of us, seeing Todd for the first time and that was when I was allowed my breakdown. The next night was the public viewing and Ty stayed through the entire service. I took him to see Todd and he touched him and said Good-bye to the only uncle who could get him to take his medicine. He did fine through the funeral, if not a little fidgety. We did choose to take him to the graveside service since there was no one to keep him for us and he did fine there, too. To be quite honest, he was a comfort to both of us. Be Honest and Open Ty has asked me some questions that I am unable to answer, such as "Why did God take Todd?" I simply try to answer him as honestly as I can. It is fine to admit you don't have all of the answers, that is reality. Make sure you keep your ears open for opportunities to talk and explain. Try not to get into abstract thoughts and ideas, like "It was just his time to go." Instead simply state that the child must feel frightened or sad, etc. Above all you will need to stress to your young child that they are still loved and will be taken care of. They also need to know that the person who died loved them and that they were not angry with the child, but that they will not be coming back. Last, make sure the child knows that expressing their feelings is OK and it is also fine to play and have fun. Books to Share with your Young Child The Accident by Carol Carrick The Happy Funeral by Eve Bunting Nonna by Jennifer Bartoli When Grandpa Died by Margaret Stevens Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley The Memory Box by Mary Bahr I try to talk about Todd often to Ty; since he was only three, I'm afraid he'll forget Todd in the years to come. I want Ty to remember what a good uncle Todd was and how much Todd loved him. That's the last thing I can do for Todd. I pray this never happens to your family, but the chances are good that your children will experience some great loss in their lifetime. Include them the way you would wish to be included. Give them all of the credit they deserve, for they will most likely surprise you. Also, unexpectedly, you will find them to be a wonderful blessing and comfort in a difficult time and an important reminder that life is to be cherished.  |
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