Crashing Corpgent’s W/O...less than twenty things you didn’t know about me
Apr 13 '03
The Bottom Line Sorry to crash the party, but the fancy took me. Be sure to visit all of Corpgent's legitimate contestants in this Write Off.
Now, I have to watch myself here. These sorts of exposes can soon turn into the height of apparent pretentiousness, if you’re not careful. I’ll do my best to avoid a cringe-a-thon by minimizing those “there, there, Joe” points that attempt to inspire pity.
20. I was locked in a cupboard for 7 years as a child, and was only let out to watch Get Smart and cop a beating with the electric kettle cord. Of course, it all changed when my parents moved house, and I was newly accommodated inside an old fridge in the backyard.
19. Like Michael Jackson, I attempted to justify a late court appearance by claiming to have a swollen foot. However, I was soon charged with perjury when the judge declared that it was no more than ten inches.
18. I once dated and slept with a woman because she was incredibly attractive. Don’t let people tell you it doesn’t happen.
17. At the grand old age of 17, I lost my virginity. Her name was Melissa, and she was a nurse that I met while on holidays at the beach. I pulled a very smooth move in her parent’s holiday apartment and the rest is history. Last I heard, she married a mechanic called Graham. If you’re reading Melissa, thanks for giving me the second chance after that accident when you touched my leg. I was just days off turning 18, and carrying the burden of virginity into adulthood could have been scarring. Many thanks.
16. At age 31, I still harbor a secret ambition to grow my hair like James Earl Jone’s character, Thulsa Doom, in Conan The Barbarian.
15. I once experienced Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the form of a McDonalds Filet O Fish addiction. I was eating three or four a day for the better part of a year. It got to the stage where I’d carry a cold one about in my briefcase, just in case I found myself yearning for one and far from the golden arches.
14. My dear old Mum and Dad were both 44 when I was born. However, such was their vanity, they lodged themselves on my birth certificate as being 41 and 37 respectively. The old man was quite happy to immortalise the fact that he was unemployed when I came crashing into the world, but couldn’t bear revealing his true age. Wonders never cease.
13. I feel entitled to list ‘poultry chef’ on my resume because I worked at KFC for 2 months when I was a kid.
As a word of warning to those youngsters considering a part-time gig to finance their social life whilst continuing a sound education, don’t go near fast food outlets. It’s hot, it’s oily, and it hurts. Choose the air-conditioned, sterile confines of a supermarket instead. Checkout chick all the way, Ok?
12. My best friend washes his hair with beer.
11. I first joined Epinions with the aim of replacing my regular paycheck with a royalty-like stream of income generated by half a dozen short, mediocre reviews. To my old boss’s dismay, my cunning plan succeeded, and I now sit on the beach, ala Amway Diamond Direct, sipping Mai Tais and laughing at the people that didn’t join me in my mad enterprise.
My lifestyle inspired a Dire Straits song back in the 1980s.
10. The first record I ever owned was AC/DC’s For Those About To Rock. It was a hand-me-down from my brother, Mark. The first record I ever purchased myself was The Cure’s Head On The Door. The second was Grace Jones’s Slave To The Rhythm. I was too cool for school, I was.
9. I’ve only ever had one serious death threat.
8. I’ve been known to exaggerate my onfield performances as a highschool football player. I donned the prestigious number 5 for Holland Park State High, and was an absolute speed merchant. It’s one of the world’s great injustices that I never scored a point.
7. I’m not the seventh son of a seventh son.
6. I strongly believe that in 500 years, with the benefit of time, Beavis and Butthead will be considered two of the great philosophers of the twentieth century. In an era with so much quality sensory stimulation to be had from sitting in front of a television screen, they sat in front of a television screen.
5. I also believe that Oliver North deserves an apology for the persecution he’s been subjected to. After all, he did nominate The Big O (Osama, not Oliver) as a growing threat 15 years before September the 11th, 2001. That earns a clean slate in my books. Onya Ollie.
4. I dance frequently in elevators to Muzac. I’m a regular James Brown if I’ve got quite a few floors to travel. However, I will do a Mick Jagger if the moment calls for it.
3. I’m a news junkie. I don’t go to work for a week following a major world event. I skim the cable news channels and watch for days, until it gets to stage where I begin musing about what each of the foreign correspondents do for kicks in their spare time. That’s when I know it’s time to resume my life.
2. I weep for the future.
1. I once embarked on a rant in front of an old boss about how funny comb-overs on bald men are. It was at a Christmas party, and sitting behind her was her husband, that, you guessed it, was sporting a fully-fledged comb-over. Timing’s everything. Remember that, kids.
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Epinions.com ID:
joecooper
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Reviews written: 120
Trusted by: 57 members
About Me:
Aging whippersnapper and freelance journo.
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