20 Things About You You Didn’t Know I Know -- Mostly, You Suck
Apr 26 '03 (Updated Apr 30 '03)
The Bottom Line I am the truth, the way and the life. There is no way to the father except by me.
Well, I’ve finished. I’ve read every last one of the "Twenty Things” Write-Off Contributions. All 6 million of them. After reading, digesting, digitizing, analyzing, collating and alphabetizing what everyone on this site thinks they said about themselves, I have boiled their statements and styles down to a few essential and immutable truths that constitute the sub-text of their attempts at self-evaluation and disclosure. Or maybe my analysis doesn’t reveal anything about y’all, but everything about me. But I don’t think so, because I have a sneaking suspicion that, along with many participants, I rock, and that unlike us, you suck. In any case, the following is what I've learned about you, or what you’re really about to learn about me:
1. If you told me you are distantly related to or descended from a famous person, I know that if telling me that was not a plausible choice, you would tell me you were Ezra Pound or Nefertiti in a past life. First, I don’t believe you. Second, nobody gives a crap. Third, it has not a damn thing to do with who you are. So congratulations, you’re Roger Clinton, but without any proof. Therefore, you suck.
2. If you felt compelled to tell me with great specificity about your graduate education, part of me understands the impulse, because the process of getting that education may have been a defining period of your life. But the education is not you, and you seem to think it is. Which means you have accomplished nothing of value in life, and are intent on lording that nothing over others. You can have a Ph.D. and still suck. In fact, you do. And while we’re on the subject, a tip for your real life: Only bogus and insecure people with advanced degrees make other people call them “doctor” or put an “Esq.” after their names. If you do either of those, congratulations again, you have embarked on a lifetime of people snickering behind your back ... that you suck.
3. If you claim to be an atheist, or to have an antipathy for organized religion, yet felt compelled to tell me your astrological sign in any way that makes me think you believe it has meaning, I know that you are either (1) still young and stupid, which is okay, or (2) older and have no excuse for your continuing stupidity, and you will never get any smarter. Unless you make a decision that you are either going to believe in all fairy tales or none of them, you, and your life, will always suck.
4. If you told me what your favourite colour was, and you are not both from and living in a nation where the standard spelling of both of those words contains that “ou” that sticks out like a turd in a punch-bowl when written by an American, I know that in real life, you are an insufferable boob whose every action and statement at social events is filled with affectation. You are overly taken with your marginal intelligence, yet have a deep and abiding sense that you do not really measure up to those around you. I feel bad for you, but because you are annoying, you still suck.
5. If you told me that you “love women” that you’re “romantic” that you “love and enjoy sexual relations with the ladies” – unless you are a young bootstrapping black man who writes primarily about soul music, but forgets to capitalize sometimes – you are either a big gay homosexual gay person ... or a quick shooter who may well like to poke your thing into the random snatch, but you find actual close-up vaginas, and the women attached to them, both confusing and scary. There’s more than a little chance that you cover up this confusion and fear by adopting what you perceive to be a romantic persona, generally leading the women in your life – if you’re lucky enough to have any – to spend a lot of time rolling their eyes and thinking to themselves “I wish he would quit eye-gazing, get away from me with that warshcloth, and just roll me over on my stomach and f’uck me like it’s going out of style.” Your woman knows, and she’s told me: She likes it from behind and you won't give it to her, so she thinks you suck.
6. If you told me all about your lifetime of business accomplishments and myriad material possessions, you have had none (accomplishments or possessions), and those few that you have are empty and meaningless. But you do frequently have a better pair of skis than your friends, which you point out to them at every opportunity. They think, and I agree, that you suck.
7. If you made a factual statement about the lord, rather than an expression of your belief, your opinion, your faith and how you obtained it, you are going to hell. Where you will suck for all eternity. It’s a fact.
8. If you quoted other people, you have nothing in the world to say. Worse, you likely quote famous people in the real world ... incorrectly ... which makes all who know you want to kick you in the gonads. Your quotes have told me that you are a loser who has to adopt other peoples’ intelligence and wit because you have neither. So here’s a quote for you: “You suck”
9. If you could do no better than use cliches to describe your feelings about racism, homophobia, misogyny or prejudice in any form, you are not trying hard enough. And if you’re not trying hard enough, you aren’t truly devoted to those ideals you claim to hold so dear, which makes me think those ideals are not so strongly held. In fact, it makes me think these subjects are meaningless to you. In which case, kindly shut the f.uck up. If these truly are your ideals, also, kindly shut the f.uck up. I guarantee you would get in a huff if you heard someone say “It’s n!gger-night on the WB,” then you’d walk across the street the next time you saw a black man in a sports jersey walking your way in the evening. You are not helping the cause by spewing banalities and cliches. In fact, every time you open your mouth you are hurting the cause, because any marginally ignorant person having the slightest inkling to come around to a reasonable point of view on these subjects, hears you talk and thinks you are an idiot, and thereby associates otherwise commendable views with simpletons. From there, it’s an easy jump to believe that they are the views only of simpletons. So while you do not suck (unless, as I suspect, you will fret the first time your teenage daughter brings a hot looking beaner home to meet you) it is a simple fact that the world would be a better place if you were hit by a very large truck, rendering you incapacitated and unable to speak, so you would have to sit in silence and frustration as others stood in front of you describing your situation in patronizing cliches, and you could look at them and listen to all the meaningless things they had to say and think ... they suck.
10. If you could not come up with 500 words to tell me about yourself, I presume you are clinically retarded, and that you live in a small room where the locks are on the outside of the door, and that sometimes when you pick your nose, you lose track of time and end up doing it all day. You suck. Or rock, maybe. I’m not sure.
11. If you managed to do any or all of the above and make me laugh in the process by being self-deprecating or adopting an obvious and intentional false bravado, you are young and on the right path. I know your friends enjoy you, even when they think you’re nuts, and you’re pretty happy with them too.. If you don’t rock now, you will.
12. If you told me in a matter-of-fact manner about any very specific physical or historical insecurity or embarrassment, without milking it for sympathy or trust, but with a genuine and simple sense of pathos or humor, you have nothing in the world to be embarrassed or insecure about. You rock.
13 If you told me what it is you wish you were more of, what quality you admire in others that you would like to find within your own persona, but feel perhaps you often come up short in those strivings, you don’t. You’re a human being, and you are living an examined life. You rock.
14. If you shared with me the details of your horrible story of rape, abuse, molestation and violence, you fit within the very narrow exception to the general rule that you don’t air your dirty laundry in public or with strangers. You fit into that exception with an astounding number of the people who participated in this write-off, which is why the exception exists. The airing of those details heals both you and others who are like you. If you were embarrassed about sharing, that’s natural, but you did a good thing. If you felt self-indulgent about sharing, that’s natural too, but you did a good thing. If you felt your tale deserved better words and prose than you have at your disposal, because profound experiences merit exceptional language, that, also, is natural. But, sadly, those tales, while profound, are also banal and commonplace, and I’m of a mind that it’s better to get those tales out there simply than to have them hide and fester because of a dearth of descriptive language at your fingertips. You did a good thing. There could very well be a lot of things about you that suck, but telling your tale shows improvement. So at least a little bit, you rock.
15. If you mentioned in passing that you’re a Hebrew, then made fun of that fact, I don’t need to know anything else about you. You are intelligent and funny, you write better than all but a few writers on the site, and likely as not, you’re exceedingly attractive. I stopped reading, because I already know: You rock. But if you told me about the incredible spiritual value you derived from being a Jew, you are marginally brain damaged and could not write your way out from under a short pile of Labrador Hershey-squirt. I stopped reading, because I already know: You suck.
16. Old people and teenagers are generally a great big pain in the a.ss on this site, and I find most of what either one of you has to say variously cloying, anachronistic, amateurish, patronizing, pitifully defensive and/or self-indulgent. Not here, when you wrote about yourselves, you were insightful and honest, funny without necessarily trying, and warmly entertaining. As a rule, these were the best contributions. So Geezers and tots, when you write about yourselves, sometimes you rock.
17. If you told me you are an American, and for how many generations your family has been American, you are a tolerant and loving beacon of freedom, truth and justice that gives hope to the world’s oppressed and brown people. You are a symbol of hope and success and charity the likes of which we see far too few in these troubled times, and you represent an ideal in the peaceful new world order, so you rock.
No, I’m kidding. You suck.
18. If you told me you are funny or witty, I did not even have to read between the lines to know that you are neither. You bore me, and you suck.
19. If you told me what kind of car you drive, you are hysterically sad, and you suck on wheels.
20. If you told me about your failures, I know you either learned something from them, or were amused by them, whether you said so or not. You rock.
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Mr.Eyore
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I come for the pervasive sense of elitist self-importance and semi-witty expressions of faux camaraderie
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