Everything is O.K.
May 15 '03
The Bottom Line I'm not giving any hints here. I took the time to write it. Least you could do is read the damn thing to find out what it's about.
I’m going through one of those bleak and barren periods where there is absolutely nothing interesting or exciting going on in my life. Everything is just sort of…O.K.
Sounds pretty dull and monotonous, doesn’t it?
But I guess it depends on how you look at it.
There were a couple of times in the recent past when things weren’t O.K.
It was about a decade and a half ago when a combination of prolonged unemployment and some very sizeable medical expenses had me teetering on the brink of financial ruin. For a man whose entire life was grounded in responsibility and integrity, it was devastating to be treated as some reckless and negligent dead-beat by anonymous and unsympathetic creditors who called and wrote and threatened.
And the dunning was incessant. A ringing phone would fill me with dread. My hands would shake as I sorted through my mail in anticipation of another blow that would hasten my downward spiral into homelessness and destitution.
I needed a job; but no one needed me.
In our society, a man is what he does. And, since I did nothing, I felt I was nothing. Net worth too often determines self-worth, and I was judged and found worthless.
Days and nights of fear, depression, anger, and frustration turned into troubled, anxiety filled weeks. The external pressures intensified as my financial condition worsened. Always a strong man, I began to break down, overwhelmed by the constant ever-increasing stress. At times, I wept uncontrollably at my inability to take proper care of my family. And the tears…that physical manifestation of my weakness and helplessness…only added to my shame.
Just a few short weeks away from losing my home, I found a job through a friend of a friend. Not the greatest job, and certainly not at the salary level I was seeking. But a job.
A steady income, a refinanced mortgage, and some skillful negotiation with my creditors helped me to avert a catastrophe. Within a few years, after many long hours and much hard work, I once again joined the ranks of the financially solvent. The road was rocky. I stumbled more than once along the way. But I got there.
Everything became, once again, O.K.
For a time.
I’ve had this innocent and not very intrusive mole on my upper chest for as long as I could remember. For years it just sat there, adding a little color and texture to that otherwise pale and pasty pectoral landscape. Shortly before I joined Epinions, that mole became mottled, quadrupled in size, and began to bleed. All of this happened over the course of about six weeks.
I’m not one of those folks who visits doctors often. I don’t get regular checkups. And I don’t go for every little thing that ails me. I normally wait weeks if not months for it to go away by itself. I firmly believe that medical science is so advanced that even if I’m healthy and feeling reasonably good, they’ll keep testing and testing until they eventually find something. And that something, angered at its discovery, will have no choice but to kill me.
But this frightened me.
And it obviously frightened my doctor.
He’s not a very expressive man. But as he examined me, I caught fleeting looks of fear and sadness cross his usually impassive face.
He removed the mole immediately, and even while doing so he gravely explained that it didn’t look good. He suggested the possibility…no…the probability that I might have to be admitted to the hospital so that they could “cut a little deeper.” We both danced around the “C” word, but we understood each other quite clearly. I would have the results of the biopsy in four or five days.
Now four or five days is not a long period of time when things are going O.K. They pass in a blink and you wonder where the time went. But when you are waiting for word of whether or not you have cancer…whether you will live or die…those four or five days can be an eternity. All I remember about them now is the fear and the numb feeling as I went through the motions of life…and waited.
Life or death.
Four or five days…an excruciatingly long time. The dreadful possibility of cancer and death always in my mind…every minute of every hour.
On the fourth day, I summoned all of my courage and called him. The results hadn’t yet arrived. Call again tomorrow. A reprieve from the Governor…a stay of execution…for at least one day.
On the fifth day, I lost that courage. I reached for the phone many times throughout the day, and always pulled my trembling hand away as if I had reached into a flame. If I didn’t call, he couldn’t tell me the bad news, and I would be healthy and happy and I would live forever.
I made up my mind that I would not call.
But, at home that evening, the phone rang and my wife answered. There was a tear in my eye and a knot in my stomach as I reluctantly took the call from my doctor. That mole that ran amok...so terrible and threatening…proved to be unexpectedly, wonderfully and blessedly benign.
An immense weight was lifted from my shoulders, and the darkness that enveloped my soul for those five days was driven out by wave upon wave of joyful nervous laughter. I remember feeling physically and emotionally exhausted for at least a day or two as the tension drained from me. But I was happy, and finally at peace.
And, when the initial feeling of elation at my unexpected salvation passed into just a happy memory, I returned to the normal rhythm of life and everything was, again, O.K.
So why am I telling you about these troubling incidents in my life?
I’m certainly not seeking your sympathy. I’m sure you have horror stories of your own. Everyone does…or will someday. That’s just the way life is. For most of us, life will have some periods of good fortune and bliss and other periods of tragedy and despair. But most of life…day in and day out, plain, mundane, and ordinary life…will be just O.K.
So I’ve learned to use my own worst times as a barometer of the severity of whatever crisis is currently assailing me…and, let’s face it, there’s always a current crisis.
When my son puts another crease in the fender of my car, or when the roof leaks, or my schedule has me exhausted and on edge, I step back and compare it to those really bad times. And, more often than not, my current crisis pales in comparison. And then I calmly take a deep breath and smile and just go on with this sweet, wonderful life, and patiently accept all of its accompanying drudgery and minor annoyances.
Because, after all, everything really is O.K.
And O.K. is pretty damned good.
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Epinions.com ID:
rich2003dm
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Location: New York City
Reviews written: 61
Trusted by: 171 members
About Me:
I broke my pencil so I'm probably done here.
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