The Sexy Mercenaries (anime parody)May 25 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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This is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek parody of the stereotypes which are most common in mainstream anime (or Japanese animation), so it really is necessary to have a concept of mainstream anime in order for any of this to make sense. It is in no way meant to be derogatory or offensive, and I hope that it does not come off as such. It is a work in progress, and is, as of yet, unfinished. I will add more as I write, which will most likely be sporadic at best, and dependant on the welcome (or thrashing) it receives. Please let me know what you think - if it’s funny or just plain stupid. Thanks! -byonder EPISODE ONE The year is 2085. Deep in the heart of the city Neo Japan lies the ultra advanced society of highly trained mercenaries named: Tech-Gen! In his office sits Cobra Slade, one of the most fearsome mercs employed by the agency and consequently, one of the sexiest men in the world. Things have changed a lot in the past years. Amazingly no fat, ugly, or stupid people exist any more. Only thin, sexy, smart people roam the streets of Neo Japan (Cobra Slade being one of the sexiest). Cobra relaxes for the moment, sipping from his “hero’s shake,” after a brisk thirty-two mile jog. He glances absentmindedly at a dossier, which lies on the desk in front of him. “Well, lets have a look at what Tech-Gen has in store for me…” Cobra states in unsynchronized Japanese-to-English. He flips open the cover of the dossier to reveal a woman with long blue hair that sticks out in gravity-defying positions. She had to be one of the most gorgeous women in Neo Japan. “So, this is going to be my partner…” he says to no one in particular, his mouth moving in the exact same pattern as before. “Hmm, it says here that I am to contact her at her apartment at thirteen-hundred hours.” He checks his watch, which reads nine hundred hours. “Better be going, it’s almost time…Only four hours to get my hair in place” again, he talks out loud to no one. At exactly thirteen hundred hours (for no one is ever late in Neo Japan) he walks up to the front door of Miss Sekshii Baybii’s apartment. The door slides open smoothly, saving him the burden of knocking. “I guess she’s expecting me…” Cobra seems to have a habit of talking to invisible elves. As he enters the living room he hears the trickling sound of water. Hmm, I wonder what that could be. Suddenly an adjacent door flies open to revel Sekshii standing with absolutely nothing on, aside from an insanely small towel. “Eeek!” Sekshii screams and drops the towel. It takes her fifteen minutes to pick the towel back up off the floor, while Cobra makes stupid “embarrassed” noises. After excusing herself, Sekshii chooses some clothes and re-appears wearing a schoolgirl dress that covers less than the towel did. “So,” said Cobra “Do you want to do it?” “Oh, Cobra!” said Sekshii. “But, we can’t, I don’t think it would be right.” “What! My ultra sexy proposal didn’t sway you!?” gasped Cobra. “Let me try again. So, do you want to DO it?” asked Cobra “Ooooohhhhh!” squeaked Sekshii again, “but we just can’t…” “Why not?” questioned Cobra. “Well, it’s only the first episode.” replied Sekshii. “Ah, crap. I forgot about that.” Cobra said. “Hang on a sec…” EPISODE TWO “So, do you want to DO it?” asked Cobra again. “Oh, let’s!” said Sekshii. Episode two through nine are spent on the before mentioned activity. We will pick up our story in Episode Ten. EPISODE TEN Cobra and Sekshii exit her apartment and hop into a shining, bright red, top-secret, hover car. Hover cars in Neo Japan only have one seat, so Sekshii was forced to sit on Cobra’s lap, which is also good for improving ratings. “Our mission is to find Mr. Boss, and put him out of commission,” he tells Sekshii. “Mr. Boss is the leader of a highly organized gang of drug dealers, and has been a thorn in the side of Tech-Gen for quite some time.” It seems incredible that while Neo Japan can rid the world of fat, ugly, and stupid people, it can’t seem to get rid of bad guys. Hopefully this will be remedied by 2090. “So, what’s our MO?” questions Sekshii, trying to sound cool as she uses an acronym. Cobra waits until her mouth stops moving to answer. “First we must meet a contact in an alley who will give us more information.” “Which alley?” “I usually just wait until the speed-lines stop going past the car, because that means something important is going to happen.” As soon as Cobra finishes his sentence the speed-lines stop. Cobra pulls into the first available alley, parks the hover car, and steps out, dumping Sekshii onto the pavement. “Whoops, forgot you were on there.” He says apologetically. A dark shadow steps out from behind a large box. “What is the secret sign?” it questions. Cobra sticks out his hand and makes a “peace” sign. “Very good, you know the secret sign, but does she?” demanded the shadow. Sekshii steps forward and makes a “peace” sign. “Ah, ha. Excellent, you both know the secret sign.” The shadow seems pleased. “Here, this is a cryptic message for you to decipher.” The agent hands Cobra a message. “But why can’t you just tell me now?” Cobra questions. “Because this is the part where the girl proves she is smarter than you by deciphering the message before you can even read it.” “………………….” Cobra replies with the classic, “I can’t think of anything intelligent to say, so instead I’ll fill this line up with dots” reply. “Secret agent Joe Smith out!” Their contact makes the “peace” sign and disappears down the alley. A few seconds pass, followed by a loud crash. Agent Smith reappears muttering something about a dead end and takes off in the opposite direction. “Hey check this out, I deciphered the cryptic message already!” Sekshii says while jumping up and down and giggling. Cobra’s mouth drops half-way to his knees, his eyes grow to three times the their normal size, and little circles fly out of his head. He then proceeds to become very poorly animated while pulling his hair and hopping up and down. Once Cobra is finished with his little conniption fit, he asks Sekshii what the message says. “It says we should turn around and look at our hover car.” She states. Cobra spins around in slow motion to discover their hover car engulfed in flames. “Quick, take off all your clothes and try to beat out the fire!” He commands Sekshii. She does this, which comprises the next five episodes, putting us in episode fifteen. EPISODE FIFTEEN Sekshii has attempted to put out the flaming hover car using nothing but her clothes, but to no avail. The hover car is a complete loss. “Darn,” Cobra says. “If you were wearing more than that stupid schoolgirl dress maybe it would have worked.” “Oh no! All my clothes have burned off.” Sekshii cries. “I am going to have to walk around naked for the rest of the mission.” “That won’t be necessary,” states a voice from behind them. “Darn,” says Cobra. Cobra and Sekshii spin around in slow motion while speed-lines flash past their heads, and stare into the face of Mr. Boss, and his ninja guards. “Uh…Darn,” is all Cobra can think to say. “You are now my prisoners, unless you wish to contend with my escorts…” Mr. Boss laughs insanely while funky colors flash around him. What will our heroes do? Will Mr. Boss take them captive? How can they escape? Aren’t these retarded questions? Find out next time in “The Sexy Mercenaries, Episode 16!” Distributed by: Guns and Buns © Inc. Disclaimer: Any similarities to EVERY OTHER ANIME MOVIE EVER PRODUCED are entirely coincidental. EPISODE SIXTEEN The Sexy Mercenaries, episode sixteen, begins with a recap of what happened last episode, followed by a commercial, followed by a recap to remind you what happened before the commercial, followed by a preview of episode seventeen. -End episode sixteen- EPISODE SEVENTEEN Mr. Boss laughs insanely again; in case you missed it in the last two episodes. “You will never defeat all my ninja guards!” Mr. Boss sneers. Suddenly all the ninja guards leap into the air, inducing another five minutes of speed-lines, while at the same time ripping their katanas from their sheaths. Cobra quickly reaches behind himself and pulls out a ridiculously enormous chaingun and begins raining death on the ninja guards while screaming incoherently at the top of his lungs, while scenery flashes past him at high speeds. Even after all the ninja guards are taken care of, he still continues bursting off rounds from the chaingun and screaming, partly so that the animators can get an extra ten seconds out of the animation loop, and partly because the Japanese seem to think that going into a berserk rage is cool. Once the smoke clears and Cobra calms down, the camera pans the massive destruction caused by Cobra’s hissy fit. “Hahahaha!” cackles Mr. Boss. “Very well done, very well indeed,” he says, because every ultimate bad guy has to say that at least once. “But that is not the last of my ninja guards,” Mr. Boss continues, “That was only the beginning!” With a wave of his hand Mr. Boss summons a whole other platoon of even bigger guards. Cobra is out of ammunition, and brilliant ideas. For those of you who don’t remember Cobra ever having any brilliant ideas then you must have missed them. Suddenly that neat “Shwing!” sound happens from behind Cobra causing him to whirl around. With a deep “Bwaouhgwoughwough” sound, Sekshii’s arms transform into plasma cannons and she suddenly turns into Sekshiiryeohchu!! Instantly she begins blasting Mr. Boss’s guards into smoking piles of slag. Within seconds all of Mr. Boss’s guards lie dead. Sekshiiryeohchu turns her attention towards Mr. Boss and focuses both plasma cannons on him. A look of sheer terror is plastered to Mr. Boss’s face. -End of Episode Seventeen- EPISODE EIGHTEEN Episode eighteen begins by showing character cut outs from chapter seventeen plastered to backgrounds that were never shown in chapter seventeen. Then the scene of Mr. Boss’s face is replayed, but the look of terror isn’t shown, because it never really happened. It was just there to get you to believe he was worried so that you would watch the next episode. Mystical blue-green fire begins to swirl around Mr. Boss, as his muscles begin to become larger and larger. Cobra’s eyes grow to inhuman sizes and a gigantic drip forms on the back of his head as he scrambles around looking for someplace to hide. Even though they are standing in a dead-end alleyway a wind, from no apparent source, blows Mr. Boss’ hair across his face as he glares evilly at Sekshiiryeohchu. Mr. Boss’ rapidly expanding muscles reach the limit for his finely tailored suit, which suddenly explodes from his torso. The camera swirls around Mr. Boss while speed lines flash by and “schwing” noises abound. “Now you will face the wrath of Mr. Boss!” declares Mr. Boss, “Or should I say……Nuroaki!!!” Sekshiiryeohchu suddenly loses her focus as the name of her long lost brother, twice removed on her mother’s half-brother’s side’s name is mentioned. “No, I won’t believe that’s true!” gaspes Sekshiiryeohchu, “You couldn’t be Nuroaki! He died in the catastrophic explosion at the Phlagellation methane plant in 2052!” “Ah that’s what everyone was lead to believe.” Sates Nuroaki. “Convincing wasn’t it? I had everything worked out, right down to the birthday candle, which started the conflagration. Yes, I was quite proud of that little deception.” “What are you talking about? It was stated in the news that the whole plant just spontaneously combusted for no apparent reason whatsoever.” Declared Sekshiiryeohchu. “What!? You mean they never found the birthday candle?” questioned Nuroaki. “No.” returned Sekshiiryeohchu. “I can’t believe that!” stormed Nuroaki. “It took me months to come up with the birthday candle idea! And all for what?! Just to have some dunder-headed newscaster claim that the whole plant spontaneously combusted!?” Nuroaki pulls a pocket planner from his back pocket and makes a note to remind him to have a brick thrown through the window of the local newspaper. “There, now where were we?” asks Nuroaki. “You won’t get away with this,” shouts Sekshiiryeohchu. “At the confirmation of your death we were forced to pay off all your outstanding debt and credit card bills. I wasn’t able to get a perm of go shoe shopping for three years after that incident. No…you won’t get away with it. I’ll make you pay for what you did to me. YOU WILL PAY!!!!” With that Sekshiiryeohchu unleashed all her armaments into Nuroaki, which passed right through him as if he were made of air. “Hahhahhah! Ever hear of a hologram Sekshii?” mocked Nuroaki. “Next time you won’t be so lucky!” And with that Nuroaki disappears leaving Sekshii standing alone in the alleyway with Cobra, piles upon piles of dead guards, and a catchy theme song. -End Episode Eighteen- EPISDODE NINETEEN We rejoin Cobra Slade and Sekshiiryeohchu in the alleyway as her guns fold up and she regains her normal appearance as Sekshii. “You know that guy?” questions Cobra. “He is my brother, twice removed on my mother’s half-brother’s side.” Replies Sekshii. “Next vacation I get I’ll try and figure that out.” States Cobra. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Any idea where he’s headed?” “Probably his top secret base,” replies Sekshii. “Where’s that at?” asks Cobra. “I don’t know. Let’s check the phone book,” suggests Sekshii. “Right. I’ve got one in my office back at Tech-Gen!” responds Cobra. “Why do you have to yell ‘Tech-Gen’?” asks Sekshii. “There’s no other way to say it. The exclamation point is part of the name.” Explains Cobra. “………………………” sighs Sekshii. “It’s alright,” consoles Cobra, “I said it wrong for three years until someone finally corrected me.” Sekshii and Cobra jump into a sky-cab which happens along at just the right time. “To the top secret Tech-Gen! Office complex.” Cobra tells the driver. A few dozen speed-lines later Sekshii and Cobra are standing in his office. “I must now log onto the Tech-Gen! information super matrix database.” States Cobra. “From here I will be able to search all the diode encrypted info-nodes to search for the relevant quanta-plasm physio-centric data relating specifically to the reappearance of Mr. Boss and his band of genetically engineered bio-ninjas.” Cobra pounds away furiously on the keyboard. “Once the info structure of the matrices has been compiled and defribulated by the quazo-equilibrion data-frame I can cross it with the endo-psychnotic globuray interface, thus rendering it readable by the ensephelophonigraphic structure system of the info terminal’s data base.” Cobra continues to bang away on the keyboard. “After all the matrices have been successfully defribulated, the info terminal can convert the matrices into a texiographical file structure which will be displayed by the quanto-plasmic ether converter making them readable to us.” Cobra stops typing. “DANG IT!!!! What the CRAP is my screen-saver password!!!!!!” A few minutes later, after rebooting the computer, Cobra finally is able to access the information super matrix database. “Ah, hah! All the information on Mr. Boss is stored in here,” beams Cobra, “even down to the exact location of his top secret base! Hmm, it appears that Mr. Boss' secret base is located in the underground sewer systems of Neo Japan." “How do you know where his top secret base is?” questions Sekshii. “Hah! Most secret information indeed! But since you are working with me, and I love to talk about how much secret information I am privileged to, I’ll tell you.” Says Cobra in a condescending tone. "One of our intelligence agents put 'Top Secret base of Mr. Boss' in the return address, intentionally didn't put any postage on the package, and mailed himself. Of course, when the postal service noticed there was no postage on the package they immediately returned it to the sender." replied Cobra. "Unfortunately he was instantly killed after being received, but thankfully we had a tracking device on the package, and now know the exact location of Mr. Boss' top secret base." "So, why didn't you just send an empty package with a tracking device on it?" questioned Sekshii. "Well, duh, how could we says ‘many men lost their lives in getting this information’ if we did things like that?" Cobra shot back. “Oh.” Replied Sekshii. “Stupid rookies.” Muttered Cobra under his breath. NEXT EPISODE: Off to Mr. Bosses Top-Secret Base! EPISODE TWENTY “Eeeww…We don’t have to go down there, do we?” Asked Sekshii, peering into a manhole. “Well, this is where the super information matrix database said Mr. Boss’s base is.” responded Cobra, “hop in.” “Wait…What’s that?” Asked Sekshii. “What?” Returned Cobra, glancing around. “That,” Said Sekshii, pointing up into the sky. “GET DOWN!” Screamed Cobra, while ripping his pistol from its holster around his leg and firing three quick shots into the air. Seconds later a falcon drops dead at their feet, closely followed by a shower of feathers and giblets. “Why did you do that to the poor little birdie?” pouted Sekshii. “Falcons are the harbingers of doom. Shortly after one appears it’s the end.” Explained Cobra. “The end?” Asked Sekshii. “Yes…The End.” Said Cobra. “The end of what?” “Uh…just the end.” “Oh.” “Now, into the sewers.” Sekshii and Cobra jump into the sewer. Once their eyes adjust to the darkness they are confronted by huge twisting maze of tunnels. "How are we ever going to find him now?" whined Sekshii. "Just wait." Said Cobra, squinting his eyes. "..." mimes Sekshii. "This way." Cobra and Sekshii charge headlong down the closest tunnel, but soon come to a grinding halt. "Something's not right." States Cobra. Almost before those words are even out of Cobra's mouth a bamboo forest springs up out of nowhere. Bamboo trees go whizzing by with speed lines as Cobra and Sekshii stay motionless. Suddenly an evil cackle is heard and their attacker makes himself known. “I am Lightening Katana King Jujubee Chan!” A chorus of disembodied male voices sings: “Hwaaaah!” accompanied by a symbol crash. Cobra whips out his as-of-yet-unmentioned katana with a satisfying “Shwing!” sound as Sekshii assumes the helpless girl pose at the edge of the bamboo forest. “My master was the great Hiusaka Hidemo Kojima Sakauwa XVII, master of the whispering blade technique. He studied under the master Shidaka Hetsumo Kariminouwa MCXVII, who was the master of the thousand blades style.” stated Jujubee. “I have studied and combined their techniques to create my own style: The thousand whispering blades style! You have no chance of winning!” gloated Jujubee, “Give up now, or face the fury of my thousand whispering blades! Mwah-hah-hah-hah!!!” “Never!” spits Cobra with steely resolve and a hint of mint. Jujubee glares at Cobra. Leaves blow behind him. Cobra glowers at Jujubee. Little pieces of paper blow behind him. Jujubee launches at Cobra, making sure to cut every bamboo tree down along the way. Cobra counters by doing a back-flip off a bamboo tree and slashing wildly at the air. Jujubee counters by cutting down more bamboo trees. Cobra sees his chance and lunges through five seconds of speed lines at Jujubee. At the very last second Jujubee disappears! “Where’d he go!” yells Cobra. “Behind you!!!” screeches Sekshii. Cobra steps backwards as Jujubee suddenly reappears, but since he is trying to occupy the same exact space as Cobra his sly trick results in him getting tele-fragged. Jujubee explodes into a variety of colorful pieces screaming, “Aaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!” To Be Continued…  |
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