This looks like a job for me. (Hyundai_fan's Presidential W/O)May 30, 2003 Write an essay on this topic.
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My Fellow Americans.
Im pleased to be here today and surprised that I was able to make it. Amazing that I was able to achieve this seat, especially considering that I beat a sitting incumbent like GW Bush and that I ran as an Independent. Maybe the American people have finally realized that there are far better choices than the mediocre ones offered by the two political parties.
So my first order of business is to appoint Jay1051971 as my Vice-President. My secretary of state will be Aerocat and Lambchops is secretary of education. Sslabs is secretary of defense.
Here are some of the plans I have for this great country of ours.
1: First off, the IRS needs to go. So I have officially abolished it and passed a national Flat Tax. This tax will remain at its same rate permanently unless a serious reason for raising it should come up. The poor will be excluded from paying any taxes at all and the tax rates for everyone else will be drastically reduced. Also actually paying will be made much easier by this flat tax.
2: I have authorized the passage of the You Cant Legislate Morality Stupid act. This bill, which I just signed into law, is also known as the Lets make Jerry Falwell and Tipper Gore extinct act. It states that morality is not something to be enforced on people by the government (which is how our founding fathers intended it) and that no one has a right to make other people conform to their vision of morality.
3: I will work toward legalizing marijuana and decriminalizing hard drugs. The war on drugs is a failure and it is time to end it now before more innocent people get mowed down in the crossfire. The war on drugs needs to end and we need to treat this problem as a health problem, not as a legal issue.
4: Contrary to popular belief I am not eliminating welfare totally. Hold the cheers and boos please. Instead of throwing money at this problem, I am re-vamping it into a system that will give out of work people jobs instead of just sending them a check each month. Many of the welfare people have trouble finding jobs, so why not help them find and get them? This will also help weed out the welfare cheats and the people who just want welfare money to buy drugs and alcohol. Eventually, the welfare system will cease to exist per se.
5: I am working on getting a proposal by my esteemed colleague Curtis Edmonds passed through Congress. This proposal will outlaw any further re-makes of old cartoons and TV shows by Hollywood. Do we really need more Scooby-Doo and Wild Wild West movies? I dont think so.
6: Also on the list to be outlawed are the following: The Anna Nicole Show, Michael Bolton, Cell phones in movie theaters, Spitting gum out where people can step/sit in it, Incompetence in customer service, Gross commercials during meal time hours, Barney, Any more use of the word Dude in any commercial be it for Dell Computer or otherwise and any more rock stars announcing tours as their final one unless they actually mean it.
7: I shall reduce the paychecks of overpaid sports stars, certain athletic goons such as Mike Tyson and slime ball corporate execs and increase the pitifully low amount of money we pay to our military.
8: The news media shall be required to go one week without mentioning any of the following names: Al Gore, Monica Lewinsky, Hillary or any other Clinton, The two Toms (Daschle and Delay), Rosie ODonnell, Martha Stewart, OJ Simpson, J-Lo and several others whose names I cant think of right now.
9: The education system will be revamped drastically. People need to remember that schools are places where kids go to learn, not just to sit around. Teachers will be paid more than they currently are and schools will be required to place more emphasis on encouraging independent and creative thinking instead of the emphasis on mindless memorization that plagues education today.
10: I shall make the workweek more productive and fun by knocking Monday off of it. Therefore, weekends will be three days and weeks will be 4.
11: I shall have a giant swimming pool installed in the White House.
12: No more Wayne Newton and Ricky Martin at Inaugural balls. For this inaugural Ball, we have performances from Pearl Jam, Wilco, Eminem, Aerosmith and several other good bands.
Thank you my fellow Americans for electing me to this prestigious office. I hope to do the best that I can for this great nation.
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