Uncle Nirav Wants You!: Eps Summer Recruitment Drive W/O
Jun 1, 2003 (Updated Dec 10, 2004)
Popular Products in BooksThe Bottom Line The Bottom Line got slaughtered at the Front Line, and needs reinforcements.
We're all very different people. We're not professionals. We‚re not amateurs. We're Epinionators. With a capital-E. You know what that means? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent online reviewer website and professional journalistic association in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We are underdogs. We're mutts. You want proof? Stockholder's nose is cold. But there's no online reviewer that's more faithful, more loyal, more lovable than the mutt.
There's one more thing that we all have in common. We were all stupid enough to enlist in the Epinions Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us. Something very, very wrong with us. Some may say we're just reviewers. But we're Epinions' reviewers! We've been kicking ass for 4 years!
Epinionators, traditionally, love to fight. All real Epinionators love the sting of battle. And believe me, we're in a real battle here. Online reviewing sites are popping up with the frequency of penis enlargement e-mails in your mother's inbox. But these sites don't know anything more about real reviewing than they do about fornicating. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against. By God, I do. We're not just going to out-review the bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our DSL connections. We're going to murder those lousy sons-of-bitches by the bushel! We're gonna kick the hell out of them all the time, and we're gonna go through them like crap through a goose!
But we need help. We really do. We've been hit hard as of late. First, they took away our Eroyalties. Then the took away our Referral earnings. Then they gutted our Income Share. Many of our finest soldiers retired. Many were killed in battle. And our enlistment numbers have gone into a free fall. To combat this problem, I propose we step up our efforts. I propose a summer-long recruitment drive. I propose that every Epinionator within the sound of my voice do his or her best to bring a new reviewer into the fold. Someone with guts, determination, and an overabundance of helpfulosity. Someone with wit, wisdom, and a propensity for precise and purple prose. Have them write a review on any product they want, between June 1, 2003 and August 31, 2003. Make sure they include a link to this article within the review (all you veterans know how to do that, right?). Then send me an e-mail, or leave a comment on this review, with their vital information (including the name of their next of kin; Praise God we don't need it). I will keep links to all the new recruits (as well as the name of their recruitment officer) at the bottom of this piece and back at my barracks (i.e. my profile page). It is then up to you, the experienced Epinionators, to help break down the new recruits, and then build them back up in our image, until they are trained and ready for real battles themselves.
This is not a job for the timid, though. Every new recruit must understand that the deadliest weapon on the Internet is a reviewer and his review. Each new reviewer must harness their killer instinct if they expect to rake in the Income Share, and ward off the Somewhat Helpful ratings. They must remember that the review is only a tool. It is a hard heart that offers product advice. If the new recruit's killer instincts are not clean and strong they will hesitate at the moment of truth. They will become a dead Epinionator. And then we will all be in a world of shit!
So be careful whom you sign up. Because Epinionators are not allowed to die without permission! I won't allow it!
Take a good, long look at that know-it-all friend of yours. Or your loudmouth significant other. Or your braggart offspring. Do they have the killer instinct I'm talking about? Are they blessed with a thick skin, which will help them machete their way through the jungle of poor ratings and critical comments that are sure to attack their early efforts, guerrilla-style? Do they have a sense of humour about themselves, and a willingness to read comments from humourless Advisors without showing fear? And, most importantly, do they already have an Eps account? If so, then keep looking. Only fresh-faced recruits need apply.
But most of all, do they understand that the products are the real enemy? Will they be able to wade into them, to spill their blood, and shoot them in the belly? When they put their hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was their best friend's face, will they know what to do? These questions, my friends, must be answered before you bring a new Epinionator into the fold.
I'm not going to lie to you. Some of the new recruits won't make it to the end of this year. My own WOT is littered with such casualties, of those who came to fight and lost their online lives. Say a prayer for Col. Repulsemonkey, Maj. Aruzenchin, Capt. Dijinn, and 1st Lt. Joe5283 (Col. D_Fienberg, though wounded in battle, will surely live to fight another day; he's already showing signs of his returning to his old tough-as-nails self).
Others have been luckier. Since I first enlisted (a year ago today, as a matter of fact), the Eps Army has been blessed with a number of excellent new recruits, many with Officer potential. Sgt. Maj. Millinocket, Master Sgt. Trust12345, Sgt. 1st Class Atchesonate, Staff Sgt. Disinclined, Corp. Voxpoptart, and Pvt. Nong have all done their country, and their website, proud.
As these fine soldiers will tell you, it's not all horror and mayhem here. The rewards of being in the Eps Army are magnificent. Make sure that each new recruit knows that. Tell them of a time when they finally sign out for good, many years from now. Tell them how when they're sitting around the fireside with their grandson on their knee, and the little tyke asks, "What did you do during the great post-dot.com revolution?" how they won't have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."
Tell them how, because of our efforts, no new reviewer will have to worry about whether or not they've stuck to the Terms of Service. Tell them that they don't have to worry about whether or not Uncle Nirav wants to give them a ticket. All they have to do is to be the great Epinions reviewer that is inside each one of them.
Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Go get me some fresh blood. Make them witty, and informative, and damned fun to read, and I will be proud to lead them into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all. Fall in!
[Any similarity between this piece and dialogue from three well-known war movies is purely intentional. The first person to identify the three movies, in the comment section, will receive an honourary promotion to Colonel, and a thousand rounds of ammunition. Relatives of mfunk75, and sarcastic soccer moms from Wisconsin, are ineligible for the prizes.]
NEW RECRUITS (AND THEIR RECRUITING OFFICERS)
drarnoklein (Sir, me, sir!)