Saying Goodbye to Hopes and Dreams for your Disabled Child
May 31 '03
The Bottom Line A parent of a special needs child needs to grieve and needs support and a listening ear regardless of how hard it is to approach the subject.
My 11 Year old Autistic son is starting to hit puberty. This is very scary to both of us! Brandon is high functioning enough to know that he is different and often rejected. But is Autistic enough that he cannot do anything about his social shortcomings. He is growing angry and bitter from the cruelness that he encounters at school and amoung the general public.
As a mom it KILLS me to see him ridiculed and suffering. I have tried so hard to protect him and shelter him, but the older he gets, the harder it becomes. At his IEP meeting at school the other day, I was forced to begin to face a very different future then I had planned for my darling boy.
We discussed the fact that he will probably never get a High school diploma, but rather a certificate of completion ( of 12 years of school). We started to look at possible placements in an independent living facility. Brandon will never drive, he will likely never marry and have children.
At this point he cannot even tie his shoes and dress himself correctly. I am trying to accept his limitations and be realistic about his future, but it is SO hard.
When you hold that new born baby in your arms you imagine all the possibilities that life holds for him. Saying goodbye to those dreams is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do! In his preschool years we help out hope for his progress, but it eventually became clear that the Autism was not going to just go away.
I do not mean to sound negative, but I get so tired of people judging me for not telling my son he CAN eventually drive or fly an airplane or whatever he wants to do. These folks think that my acceptence of my son's limitations is bad medicine for him. I disagree. I could spend the next 10 years fooling myself into believing that he will miraculously become normal, OR I can transfer my dreams of him marrying to a goal of helping him to learn to live in harmony with a roommate. Rather then teaching him to drive one day, I can focus on teaching him to use public transportation or safely take short walk to a store.
If you have a friend or loved one who has a disabled child, the best thing you can do is listen and support. take the initiative and strike up the conversation. Parents like us are often reluctant to share our feelings because they are so often misunderstood. They range from embarrassment, to disgust, to anger, hurt, saddness...etc. It is so difficult also, to see your friends' kids start to go to dances, driving lessons, eventually college etc.
Parents of special needs kids are special too and need to be remembered and loved, just as you would with any grieving friend. We try hard to hide the hurt, but it is there and we appreciate a friend who will hold our hand and love us while we deal with the roller coaster ride of parenting a disabled child.
Today my little boy went to play with a group of kids and he was told to leave because he was a freak. The reason that I am writing this is because I DON'T really have anyone who understands and so I write to you Epinioners for a listening ear, and also to educate so that someone else might be able to understand and support another parent.
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Epinions.com ID:
hevinly
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Member: heather williamson
Location: Clemson, South Carolina
Reviews written: 145
Trusted by: 31 members
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