I Got So Mad, blah blah, Writeoff: Homeschooling with Grand Theft Auto III
Jun 13 '03 (Updated Jun 22 '03)
The Bottom Line My final recommendation on What Should I Know About Homeschooling is to use Grand Theft Auto III as a tool. What part of this did you not understand?
With the public schools in the United States degenerating into sinkholes of test-driven teaching, parsimonious funding and armed violence, a lot of people are turning to homeschooling. And well they should.
Homeschooling is especially popular with parents of exceptionally bright children. They get sick of watching their kids dragged down into the peat bog of mediocrity while being subjected to the bullying of their intellectual inferiors. In today's public school system, a gifted child is an embarrassing burden to the administration and a punching bag for the student body. (Thank the parents of the inferiors, who have gotten what they demanded, because they outnumbered the parents of the gifted.)
It is also a valid option for fundamentalist parents. Some cannot afford private religious schools, yet deplore the annoying separation of church and state that causes schools to offend God by treating Christianity just like any other (and by extension, wrong) religion. They do not want their kids taught that the world might be more than a few thousand years old or that, worst of all, Junior might have descended from simians. (In my school, it wasn't so clear that there had been many generations of removal.)
One of the side benefits of public and private schools alike, though, is that they prepare children for the reality of today's adulthood. Status-consciousness, self-defense, driver's education and even sexual facts are among the academic and social skills children gain in today's schools, be they sectarian or public, adequate or abysmal. The parent seeking to overcome this inherent deficiency needs to be resourceful. The right tools are needed: tools that the kids will enjoy. Learning should be fun.
Most of today's teens love console video games. But what can a child learn about life from playing Star Wars: Rogue Squadron? Mad life skillz there, learning how to trip up an Imperial AT-AT Walker with a harpoon cable. All they get from Zelda: The Ocarina of Time is the questionable knowledge of an obscure musical instrument. And what can be gained from Donkey Dong, or whatever it's called? The zoology is faulty, and it doesn't teach any anthropology at all. Return to Castle Wolfenstein teaches what... proficiency with World War II weapons and military skills? Great if your kids will have access to affordable time travel and a ready supply of Schmeisser and Panzerschreck ammunition.
Happily, there's a relevant and inexpensive tool available to homeschoolers. It should, of course, only be provided under close parental guidance. In no case would I suggest allowing a minor to play the game unsupervised. There is a lot of need for interactive teaching, moral compassing and career counseling of the kind only a homeschooling parent can offer. I recommend having both parents present, which in the case of heterosexual couples offers the great value of contrasting adult perspectives.
That tool is Grand Theft Auto III.
While there are other versions out, this is the only one I'm familiar enough with to evaluate in a homeschooling context. I'll break this down in outline format by categories of education. And I do feel qualified to comment upon its value in homeschooling, because I was homeschooled by both parents right up until I went off to kindergarten. In the late sixties, we didn't have tools like these, young lady. Who knows where I'd be right now if we had?
Automotive/travel:
Basic driving: in GTA3 you cannot accomplish anything without learning how to drive safely. I'm sure my Driver's Ed teacher in high school, Mr. Al Stautz, prayed fervently--as did my parents--when he let me get behind the wheel. GTA3 has red lights, and it is important to consider them when approaching an intersection, just as it is to look both ways and behind. The game's controls make it easy to abide by these basics. There are many pedestrians in the game, and they have the right of way: if you run one over, the police may apprehend you--just as it should be. One weakness, though: it does not teach manual transmission, as all the cars in the game are automatic.
Defensive driving: many of the motorists in Liberty City, the setting for GTA3, are obviously wacked out on something. This includes the police, whose method for halting any car that annoys them is to ram it into a building (running over pedestrians as necessary). The child learns that Chinese fish trucks tend to maneuver erratically and often cannot negotiate difficult curves at high speed, and that many drivers tend to run red lights. Taxi drivers are notoriously reckless, behaving as though they're still flying MiG-21s in the Indian Air Force. And sensible drivers will always yield to emergency vehicles, except of course (as sometimes happens in the game) when the emergency vehicle in question is a police car or National Guard tank after you.
Creative driving: once the child learns the basics of vehicle safety and maneuvering, many of the game's missions will teach more inventive driving techniques. Often a mission will be made much simpler by parking on the sidewalk, as they do in Ireland, or by cutting through a park. Now, some sticks in the mud might object here: when is it right to drive in such a fashion? I contend that at times, it's your only option. What if your child grew up, and one day his or her brakes failed or someone tried to jump in front of his or her vehicle? What then? Wouldn't you rather they diverted harmlessly off the road than injure or kill innocent people? Children need to know how to do such things, just in case, and life offers few opportunities to practice them. GTA3 enables them to acquire this discernment.
Carjacking: the primary method by which one gets wheels in the game is to kick other drivers out of them. You can jack anything from a hook-and-ladder truck to an SUV to a trash truck in GTA3. This provides homeschoolers with the opportunity to point out the potential consequences, which will surely become manifest in the game if you swipe a ride in front of police officers. One can also teach the child to return the vehicle to the spot where s/he jacked it, just as they should learn to put the pliers and the wheelbarrow and mommy's Trailer Temptress nail polish back where they belong. If the vehicle is damaged during use, the child can first be expected to spend in-game money on repairs so that it is returned exactly as they jacked it. As with playing ball in the yard, if the cost of the broken window doesn't come out of the kid's allowance, how will they learn respect for property?
Mass transit: a socially responsible alternative to gas-guzzling vans and fish trucks is in the game in the form of an elevated train, and is often the player's best choice for getting around town. The habit of using mass transit must surely appeal to parents who wish to impress upon their child that if everyone drives a car, no one will get anywhere. By getting the young player to consider this valid option, GTA3 teaches skills that are especially necessary for urban children, but what of rural kids? Obviously, for them the game is twice as important in this regard. When is anyone in Galva, Kansas (population about 500, mostly Mennonite) going to learn how to take an elevated train in a big city without the help of this game? What's more, if the player walks on the train tracks, s/he will be run over--just as in real life.
Society, sexuality and ethics
Homosexuality: whatever one's personal beliefs about lesbian and gay love and sex, two facts cannot be denied: a) it isn't going away, and b) your child will surely confront it sometime in life, even if s/he does not actually turn out to be LGBTGDQBFFHCCRTMQ (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Drag Queen/Butch or Femme/FagHag/Closet Case/Rough Trade/Militant Queer). During the game, down by Joey's Garage (a source of fun missions such as ramming and jacking an armoured car, then rejecting the invitations of law officers to peaceably enter custody), you can hear ambient voices in the game discussing homosexuality in supportive tones using lines from that great Village People hit, YMCA: "There's a place you can go, you know." While the tones are stereotypically male/effeminate, I laud Rockstar Games for making GTA3 so worldly. It offers parents a chance to talk about LGBTGDQBFFHCCRTMQ issues with children in a safe, loving setting.
Heterosexuality: this is met head-on, so to speak. One of the best ways for the player to recover health is to pick up a prostitute. Of course, actual depiction of fornication would be completely improper for children, because we know that if a child were to see the actual mechanics of sex depicted, they might plan to try it themselves someday. The sex is implied when you pull the vehicle (not a taxi; hookers will not enter them!) into an alley, such as the one near your hideout (conveniently situated in the Red Light District). The vehicle begins to rock, thus restoring the player's health and vitality.
Whether you love it or hate it, your child will someday see evidence of prostitution in the world. Depending on your views, this is a good time to a) encourage them, b) emphasize safe sex, or c) forbid them from boning (or becoming) hookers. It also suggests that the life of a prostitute is a tough one, given that sometimes when you are stopping and honking to entice them, you may hear sounds of a mugging or gun battle nearby.
Ethical situations: medical bills or police fines can leave one impoverished in the game, as in real life. After the prostitute gets out of your car, the player can mug her and take his or her money back. But is this ethical? Let your child do it, and see the remorse as the pretty lady lies face up, bare legs spread grotesquely wide in a pool of her own blood, a cruel parody of eroticism. And for what? A few dollars? I believe that children should be taught not to be cruel to vendors, especially for a few measly bucks, and homeschooling using GTA3 can be a powerful tool in discouraging such reprehensible behaviour. Moreover, it teaches respect for sex workers, who normally don't get much. Would you want your child--of either gender--to grow up with the misogynistic view that it's good postcoital technique to abuse women? I think not.
Right to keep and bear arms: a cherished topic of many homeschoolers and a key Second Amendment right; how fitting that the game's setting is 'Liberty City.' In GTA3, this treasured privilege is in play as the protagonist carries a baseball bat, a 9mm pistol, an AK-47, a shotgun, an Uzi, hand grenades, and even a flamethrower! A store called Ammu-Nation sells them in the game.
Yet it also teaches responsible gun use. It's one thing to go hunt down an evil criminal on the orders of a mob boss (or while helping the police!); it's another to indiscriminately spray the neighbourhood with lead, gunning down innocent pimps and petty thugs who are bothering no one. Do that, and your child will find that the police take a dim view; moreover, if you point a weapon at an officer, he gets all indignant on you. You want your homeschooled kids to respect the law, I'm sure, even as they treasure the truly American feeling of packing serious heat.
Drug trade: a lot of the game's plot revolves around a fictitious drug called 'spank.' The child can see what kind of life it leads to: high-speed chases, cold-blooded murder, and broken windshields. D.A.R.E. to keep children off drugs by letting them see the consequences in living colour in GTA3. Yet, and sensibly, not only is the drug 'spank' non-existent in real life; no paraphernalia is even depicted. The strongest drug the character can take is adrenaline, which works like my coffee. Homeschooled kids will not learn new ways to sauté their brains here. They learn the healthy values without learning to imitate bad behaviours.
Profanity: in especially moral homes, children never hear profanity unless they turn on a television when their folks aren't looking. Well and good; some of the language used on TV is awful. In GTA3, a controlled setting, children can see just what sort of people use curse words: thugs, pimps, murderers, tailgaters, and other scum. It serves up an essential lesson: good vocabulary skills, as taught by you, are key to avoiding life as a lowly street crook. Ask your child: when has s/he ever heard a Nobel Prize winner use this sort of language? If Karl Rove spoke in such a fashion, would he be President? What Would Dr. Laura Do?
Diversity: GTA3 is chock full of ethnic diversity. The Diablos, a Hispanic gang, prowl the area just north of your first hideout. Caucasians, African Americans, and Asians are integral parts of the game, with rich cultural qualities on display. Radio stations include Hip-Hop, talk radio, doctor's office rock, oldies, easy listening and half a dozen more. Some homeschooled children live in places like Maine, where even the coffee and the tires are white, but there are also parts of the nation that are over 90% Asian, or African American, or Hispanic. Children from these regions can get an exposure to diversity from this game that might not be easily found on Elm Street, County Road 134, or Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard for that matter.
Personal safety
Watching your back: the United States has a well-deserved rep around the world as an adventure travel destination, a place where you can be killed on the street for your cellular phone and ten bucks. In GTA3, violence can erupt anywhere and anytime, even if the player has not instigated it. Even daring to stop your vehicle for a red light in Diablo turf will cost you your ride. On some missions, you are walking into an ambush. Homeschooled children, who do not attend public schools, are less attuned to the need for self-preservation and could be at greater risk. Using the game, parents can help them learn to always have escape routes; to stay out of crummy parts of town; to become suspicious when a pack of thugs is walking around with baseball bats (but no mitts).
Acrobatics: there are times in the game where quick feet, long jumps from train tracks to roofs, erratic maneuvering, and running along the tops of walls are needed. Unless you choose to have P.E. in your yard, your homeschool kids may never learn the value of acrobatic maneuvering. Through the game, you may get them to want some fresh air, to build muscles and dexterity, to perhaps even take up ballet or gymnastics. Picture it: your child someday on the medal stand, as your eyes brim with tears and they play the Star-Spangled Banner. You think to yourself: "I owe it all to Grand Theft Auto III. Thank you, Jesus!"
Careers
Pleasing a supervisor: right now, your homeschooled kids only have to please their parents. Pick up your socks, stop peeing in the swimming pool, quit tormenting the cat, eat your okra, stay out of my cigars, that sort of thing. When they get into middle management, it won't be so easy. They'll have a capricious, stupid executive to deal with, one who lapped at recta for years to reach his current position and now pretends to want people to argue with him--which amounts to career seppuku. They will be ordered to do things a retarded gerbil could recognize as foolish. They will experience every degradation of the spirit that corporate America's reptilian mind can think up, and be expected to act like they love the company for it.
By playing GTA3, homeschooled children can learn the proper way to deal with the boss's impossible requests, for many of the missions in the game are insanely difficult and dangerous. You take the risks; they sit around and drink martinis, or sake, or tequila. And your character never speaks, not once. Wise choice! If you keep your mouth shut, you stay out of trouble at work!
Timeliness: if your kids are homeschooled, do they have to be at school by a certain time, or to catch a bus? Duh. Their futures will be more orchestrated: when they are two minutes late, they will be "stealing time from the company," but when asked to work two hours late for free, they will be preserving their jobs as 'team players.' Do you really think that commanding them to either have the yard mowed by 6 PM, or perish in the attempt, is going to teach them not to waste time? No way, folks. In this game, there's a healthy dose of reality. Many of the missions are timed, and the schedule is tight. Fail to complete it on time, and the taxi passenger gets out, or the car blows up, or you don't get paid. Learning to value others' time is a crucial part of young people's education.
Status: every red-blooded American measures his or her personal worth against that of the Joneses and the Crappers by comparing automobiles, just as anyone who rejects this notion is a Communist. In the game, children learn to be selective. A fish truck? No way am I going to be seen jacking that! A Diablo lowrider? Now that's pretty good riding, looks good, handles nice. Hummer? Symbol of conspicuous consumption... oh, say can you see! GTA3 can teach your child to embrace the materialistic values that have made this the wealthiest (and therefore, by definition, best and greatest) nation on Earth, no matter how many less wealthy (and therefore, by definition, worse and lesser) countries' entire Gross National Products amount to about the cost of a pair of Air Marketing sneakers. Homeschooled kids need this exposure, since they lack other schoolkids to humiliate them for failing to wear faddish Old Navy or Zumiez attire costing four times as much as regular clothing.
Auto repair: when does a kid in homeschool have a chance to explore a career in auto mechanics, unless his or her mom changes the oil on the '83 Olds Cutlass? When kids play GTA3 they see the progressive disrepair of their vehicle: dents requiring body work, spiderwebbed glass, doors and hoods falling off, steam coming out, smoke coming out, and if you aren't careful, fire coming out. All of this can be ameliorated through a place called Pay-N-Spray, which will repair your ride and give it a new paint job in about five seconds. This also gets the authorities off your tail, which is helpful if the player has come to their official attention and is tearing around town like a cheetah with a large turpentine suppository crammed into the customary place. It costs $1000 to get your car resprayed...maybe it will get your son or daughter interested in the lucrative vocation of auto repair and body work!
Fire prevention: let's face it--Smokey the Bear doesn't have much jiz these days with kids. The FDNY does, though. Everyone's loving up on the fire department lately. The game lets the player abscond with a fire truck and go roaring across town to douse car fires. Speed is essential, and as the other cars get out of the way of the massive and indestructible vehicle, the child learns what to do in case they hear a fire truck coming. Plus, the authorities are more lenient with your character when putting out flaming car wrecks, so the game rewards socially productive behaviour. The adrenaline rush also helps use up some of the homeschooled child's nervous energy after sitting there for three hours while you forcefeed him or her logarithms, the geography of Peru, or haikus about Citrustrip. Career education is one of GTA3's most valuable teaching aspects for homeschoolers.
Taxi driving: kids who can't wait to get their own wheels--which probably includes every homeschooled kid whose name isn't Unruh--may have developed romanticised views of cab driving from watching vapid sitcoms. Here, they learn the reality: speed equals money, and if you're one second late, you get stiffed like a waitress who serves carbonated, fermented urine.
At the same time, the more career options children can be exposed to, the better rounded they are likely to be, and homeschooling must take this into account. While one must jack a taxi in order to begin taxi missions, one can always teach the child to return it in good working order to the original location, as children should do with all things. And if you deliver enough passengers, you get access to a really hot maroon taxi as part of a new business! GTA3 teaches the homeschool kid that perseverance and hard work are rewarded by ownership of the means of production. (Perhaps a future version will expand upon this by enabling them to bullyrag and terrorize their employees.)
Medicine/ambulance driving: another profession revolving around the internal combustion engine in GTA3. Here, you grab an ambulance from in front of the hospital and turn on your siren--and injured people are depending upon the child for a safe trip! If you are late, or damage the vehicle too much, the passengers die. (This is often a problem, as the vehicle handles like a U-Haul with a load of gold bricks in the nook over the cab.) I cite this as an example of the nobler values one can use the game to teach a child: what if it inspires them to take up a career where they save lives? It is no accident that Medevac pilots in the Army are deeply respected: "so that others may live", goes the motto. Teach your child to rise above the violence and the larceny, and be truly pro-life!
Respect for authority: saved for last, because it is probably the strongest and most relevant message you can convey to your child in homeschooling using this game. No theme is so consistently driven home. If you slam your vehicle into a police car, you become wanted and hunted. Keep it up and they'll even send helicopters and armoured fighting vehicles! To target a police officer with a weapon means a gunfight. And if you get taken into custody, you must pay a bribe to get out (I suggest you tell the children it's a fine). At the same time, you can work with the good guys in blue by accepting vigilante missions, in which you borrow a police vehicle and go in pursuit of felons, risking life and limb to rid society of their wickedness. What better way to introduce the child to law enforcement as a career?
Drawbacks: yes, there are a few. Only one child can play at a time, though you can encourage cooperative play by having another child help navigate a city that was obviously laid out by cretins. There are no children or dogs in the game, which may raise questions. It's available only for the PC and the Playstation 2, so GamePube and $Box owners are SOL. It does not teach them how to choose and use anchovies.
Conclusion: Grand Theft Auto III should generally not be played by unsupervised children. With proper parental focus and a spirit of loving correction and adventure, it can become the highlight of your homeschoolers' day. It may even lead them to productive careers that will make you proud!
Plus, they want to play it anyway. What'll it be: let them do it under your supervision, where you can moralize and control? Or seethe because you know damn good and well that big-haired, trashy cow Rhonda Doublewide lets her sons Ryan Borderpimp and Trevor Backseatblow (your kid's friends, both her children from previous divorces) play it at her house, and sees no reason why the angelic spawn of your loins shouldn't join in the fun? (Don't laugh. We all know, or knew, a Rhonda Doublewide.)
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This review is dedicated to imokliel, because it's the sort of thing he wrote, and to gracef, whom I have to thank for her kind assistance in choosing an appropriate topic.
It is also a congenitally disobedient part of the "I Got So Mad, etc., etc., etc." writeoff hostessed by kris-kochanski and munkus. It adheres to few of the writeoff guidelines and they really should not claim it, but they probably will, because it's not like they were virgins who didn't know what they were getting.
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