Real Men Don't Buy Tampons - Part of the Manly Man W/O!
Jun 13 '03
The Bottom Line Manly Men may not like raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, but they do like porn and chicken.
While I'm not a manly man, I do play on TV, which is why I felt more than qualified to accept Hawgwyld's invite to join in the Manly Man write-off (co-hosted by joubert). Actually I just like Hawgwyld and wouldn't pass on the opportunity to celebrate his 3rd anniversary here.
So while I'm laying it on the line, let's be honest - I'm not a manly man and I don't play one on TV - in fact I am the polar opposite of a manly man - I am a girly girl and proud of it. I like tap pants and teddies, doing my hair and nails and avoiding physical labor at all costs (ok, so I lied about the last one and will deck any manly man who thinks he needs to help me lift or move anything).
So when it came time to pick a topic for the write-off I was at a loss. It was suggested to review a product that your manly man likes, but I'm not use to getting NH's and didn't want to risk poor ratings just to enter the write-off - after all, I have bought my manly man lots of cool gifts he likes - which I pick from a list he gives me. Problem is I don't understand how 3/4ths of them work and I can't imagine my saying the TV/PVR/Receiver hooga ma whatit remote thingy has lots of pretty and colorful buttons and if you are lucky enough to press the right one, you may actually get sound with the picture.
Yes, this year my manly man bought a plasma TV and now I have in excess of 50 remotes just to get the darn thing to work correctly. The only thing I could tell you about that monstrosity is that it hangs on the wall, has a huge picture and cost more than my first car - yeah, that'd be a review worth reading. Or I could give you my spin on his gift to himself - his Mazda Miata, but again my calling it his mid-life crisis mobile wouldn't exactly give you the keen insight to how it handles.
As you can tell, I'm not automotivally or electronically gifted - so reviewing any gadget my manly man has would be out of the question. Instead I decided to right about manly men and what they like or at least what I think they like and dislike - based on my years of observation and living with them. Perhaps from this you can you can get a gift idea or two - or at least a night of excitement.
From what I can tell, manly men like girls in bikinis on trampolines, or at least that's the what the Man Show tells me. If your backyard isn't big enough for a trampoline, never fear - jumping on you bed in a bra and panties might suffice. If you're really adventurous you could jump full monty. If you choose to do the later, be careful - you'd hate to have to go to the ER and explain why you need a bedknob removed.
Manly men like sports - so here's what I suggest, pick one to like with them - I choose football - mainly because I like beer and pizza and they tend to consume that when they watch. Learn the rules and act intertested, or actually become interested, like I have - then when that season is over they'll become absorbed in the next sport without you and you'll be left with lots of free time to shop.
Manly men like video games. They can fritter away an entire afternoon beating imaginary opponents and gobbling up health pellets or what ever they heck they do in those games. I highly suggest buying new ones for them on a regular basis - that way they stay down in the dungeon and out of your business.
Manly men like gadgets and lots of them, which is why they think appliances make good gifts. Sure you could get ticked off when you get a new plug in scrubber for your anniversary OR you could play dumb, act like you don't get how to work it and next thing you know they will always be buffing the shower or steam cleaning the carpets. Manly men will also purchase every gadget and gizmo out there. They will question why you need 30 purses, yet think nothing of buying the 10th universal remote, because this is the one that will get the whole entertainment system to work together.
Manly men hate to ask for directions, but if you break down near a strip club they'll be the first to hop out of the car and find out how to get back to the freeway. Let me pause to give a shout out to all my friends at the Bottom Line in Syracuse, NY for getting me and my Manly Man to my friends wedding on time.
Manly men don't like to buy tampons, but if they agree to be prepared to have it cost you fifty bucks minimum. A Manly Man can't go to the store and just buy the tampons -he will need to buy junk food, beer and other items so he can hide the tampons under them and pretend like he's not buying them. Of course he'd never think twice about plunking down Jugs, Penthouse and Beaver and only tossing in a pack of gum.
Manly men like facials and pearl necklaces, just don’t expect to receive them in the form of a gift certificate to your favorite spa or wrapped in a Tiffany’s box. Some manly men also like tossed salads, butt prefer the dressing on the side.
Manly men will b1tch about how much you spent on food item you need - why buy the name brand when you can buy the rancid off-price generic version for pennies less. However, the same manly man will think nothing of spending 25 bucks on a one-pound tub of Boudreaux's Butt Paste, just because the name sounds funny.
Manly men like porn and chicken (well at least the porn part - the chicken I'm not so sure about). Manly men also like the money shot – which my least favorite part – I’m into it for the funky music and fabulous acting.
Manly men hate to cook, and if they do – watch out, because they hate to clean up even more. I always find it amazing that when they get in the mood to cook, they are able to use every pot and pan in the house – gee, you made pancakes and managed to use five pans, 4 mixing bowls and 7 measuring cups. I suggest getting your Manly Man a barbeque – you’ll be amazed and how frequently he offers to make dinner. It’s like a challenge what can I grill tonight – and surprisingly he may even toss a vegetable or two next to the meat.
Manly Men like potty humor, so let one rip every now and then – a Dutch oven isn’t just for the kitchen.
And while we’re on the subject of kitchens and cooking - I might suggest not giving your Manly Man a Fry Daddy. That’s just an open invitation to disaster – the need to figure out what can’t be successfully deep-fried might lead to the loss of some favorite objects.
So as you can see I’m not a manly man – and maybe I don’t know the first thing about what a Manly Man likes - as a Girly Girl I can only sit here in my boy shorts and tank top and guess. Maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong – all I know is I’ve kept my Manly Man happy for the past 11 years and there’s a lot more porn and a lot less chicken than there was when we started out.
So thanks to hawgwyld for the invite and giving me the chance to write about Manly Men. Let me also say Happy Anniversary to both of you.
Thanks to all who read my epinion and if you are so inclined – please go the website char.mike for helped them set up so you can check out all the submissions by all the participants.
http://www.angelfire.com/mb2/mypageontheweb/page9.html
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