Why America Needs A Guy President (Manly Man W/O)


Jun 14, 2003


The Bottom Line Just read it.

(I wrote this essay in November of last year and submitted it to a magazine for publication. They rejected it saying that "while it is a good piece, it's not what we're looking for right now". So I decided to use it for the Manly Man W/O hosted by Hawgwyld and Joubert. To read other submissions go to this page, created by Char_Mike http://www.angelfire.com/mb2/mypageontheweb/page9.html. Now on to the answer of that question posed in the title.)

There’s been quite a bit of talk lately about why Voter turnout in America is low these days. The problems have been attributed to overall voter dissatisfaction with the general quality of the candidates, which is true. George W Bush Vs Al Gore was nothing to write home about. Then again, neither were Clinton Vs Dole, Reagan Vs Mondale, Nixon Vs McGovern, or Johnson Vs Goldwater.

The biggest problem with most of the candidates is this: there has not been a real guy running for president since Ike. Sure we’ve had presidents who are half guys. Clinton, for instance, had the cojones and the ambition, not to mention the Elvis look. Yet he was a draft dodger. George HW Bush has mixed guts: as demonstrated by the fact that he is unafraid to jump out of airplanes for his 70th birthday, yet does not have enough to nab a dictator who has invaded a foreign country, killed lots of innocent people and will most likely be a serious pain in the a*s for years to come. As far as his offspring goes: real guys do not choke on pretzels. Then we have President Sleepy (Reagan), President Bashful (Carter), President Dopey (Nixon) and President Not Appearing In This Essay (Ford). John F Kennedy is, in the context of the previous sentence, Prince Charming and the USA is not a monarchy.

The definitive guy President is William Henry Harrison. Mr. Harrison was the 9th President. He ran as a Whig and beat Democrat Martin Van Buren using dirty campaigning (No TV Commercials though). That’s pretty much what any president does. However, here’s what makes Harrison a true guy president.

Harrison was quite tough. He was an Indian fighter who took on and defeated many evil bloodthirsty Indians. He never pussyfooted around: when Indian leader Tecumseh started haranguing Americans, Harrison went right after him. He didn’t stop until he made sure that the Indian brute was eliminated. It’s unfortunate for us that he wasn’t president during the Gulf War; otherwise the Saddam problem might not be nipping us in the rear right now.

The other advantage to Harrison is that he did not stay in office long enough to do any serious damage. He was elected (after whupping Van Buren) and gave a long-winded speech in the pouring rain. Then one month later he kicked the bucket. He went in like a guy and went out like a guy, although he would have been more of a guy if he had died while chomping on a grease burger.

Other examples of guy presidents include Grant (The guy was an army general and a lush), Washington (The wooden teeth. Imagine trying to eat a sirloin with those) and the definitive guy president aside from the aforementioned Harrison, Andrew Jackson.

Jackson’s guy qualities are fairly obvious. He was a tough army general, he took on nasty redcoats and he had no hesitation about standing up for what he believed in. That included his wife.

In 1803, Charles Dickinson, a Nashville lawyer, made some not-so-flattering remarks about Jackson’s wife Rachel. In response Jackson challenged Dickinson to a duel and defeated him.

Now compare that with the way Clinton dealt with people who made nasty remarks about his wife. In the mid 1990s, William Safire wrote in the New York Times that Hillary Clinton is a “congenital liar”. That got Clinton so riled up that he threatened to punch the columnist in the nose.

Now I can bet that Safire realizes how lucky he is that he didn’t write that about Rachel Jackson. Otherwise it might have been rat a tat tat tat!

So yes, our recent supply of actual guy candidates for President has been pitifully low. We have had Presidents who have some guy qualities, yet they are not actually guys. The lack of actual guys on the ballots is not indicative of the high number of guy voters and that helps to explain the high level of voter apathy.

So yes, this is a problem. But never fear, for this problem actually has a solution. I propose the formation of a third-party. This party will be called The Guy Party.

Of course all parties need candidates and for an actual guy to run on the platform, I have one right on hand. Of course, getting him elected would be kind of hard, as we would first have to push for a wording change in the Constitution. Specifically, we would have to get the law that states that the President must be a native born US citizen amended to include the following: “Except in cases where the candidate is a popular star of action movies”.

Yes, the candidate I am suggesting for president in the next election is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He is the closest we can get to a Harrison or Jackson in this age. He’s tough, he’s big muscled and he’s not a career politician. In other words, he’s a real guy.

If Arnold were president and problems with Iraq arose, he wouldn’t waste time messing around. No, he’d go right in there and take on Saddam himself. By the time he got done half of Saddam’s Republican Guard would be stabbed, shot, eviscerated or thrown off buildings and Saddam himself would have a steam spewing pipe sticking out of his chest, much like the villain did at the end of the Arnold movie Commando.

Yes, if we had actual guys running for President, things would be a lot easier. Pests like Iraq and North Korea would not rear their ugly heads so often, voters would be more enthusiastic and voter apathy would go down and the government as a whole would be a lot better. Support the Guy party and help take back government in 2004!

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