Solipsixteen Jun 15 '03    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet The Bottom Line The Bottom Line advises, "If you don't like the answers, just change the questions." After the naval gazing monstrosity that was CorpGatsby's "20 Things" w/o, did we really need another excuse to take a look at the man in the mirror? Apparently, yes. Hence, Prelude99's 16 Questions Write-Off. I didn't enter for the longest time because, well, I wasn't invited. But also because the questions were so banal. After some slight modifications, I'm now ready to tell you more stuff about me that you didn't ask for and probably don't want to know. 1. How long have you been a member of Epinions? 2. What do you do for a living? The first question is answered on my profile page. The second is too embarrassing to admit to. So, I've mixed the questions up a bit: How long have you been living? Twenty-eight years, one hundred and thirty-seven days, twelve hours, twenty-nine minutes, and one… two… three… four seconds, etc. What do you do for Epinions? I provide sparkling and long-winded movie-related commentary, increase the website's dangerously-low Canuck quotient by one (at least), leave snarky and often-times incomprehensible comments on the unsuspecting reviews of others, participate in and sometimes host inconsequential write-offs, prove that solipsists and dilettantes can still look cool in sunglasses, spread the word of sarcasm far and wide (duh!), and, most of all, have pun pun pun until the daddy takes the T-bird away. 3. Favorite food? 4. Most embarrassing moment? Ho-hum, and blahdiddy-blah. You're not going to get to know me with such Barbara Walters-esque drivel. So, in the blender they go: Favourite embarrassing moment? Remember when that guy got hit in the nads that one time? Yeah, that was some funny embarrassing shit. I mean, that guy took it right in the nads! And he wasn't wearing a cup or nothing. Just flying object vs. nads! That'll teach him to leave his nads wide open like that. If there's a lesson to be learned here, boys, it's this: cover up them nads when there are flying objects around. Most food? On my last trip to Coney Island, I entered Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. By the time I up-chucked all over the boardwalk, I had managed to shove 29 dogs down my gullet. Or so the judges told me when I came to. Sadly, that effort wasn't nearly enough to declare me champion. The winner on that day was a Japanese-built Canon PowerShot S100 Digital ELPH Camera. The damn thing was about as small as a credit card and didn't even have a mouth, but it still managed to gulp down 58 wieners in just 12 minutes. 5. What are your favorite topics to write about on Epinions? 6. Name a few things that you can’t stand whatsoever? My immediate answer to #6 is, "These stupid questions." So, as is my wont, I'll transform said questions into something a little more provocative, a little more racy, and a little more likely to get at the real goal of this write-off: The Truth. What are your favorite things that you can't stand whatsoever? The girl that Sting can't stand losing in the Police song 'I Can't Stand Losing You'. I can't stand losing her, either. But I still like the song; it's regatta de blancriffic! Also, Larry Flynt. Even though that dude can't stand, he still managed to eek out a life full of hardcore porn and black private jets. And, to top it all off, when he knew Courtney Love was drowning in the tub, he just let her drown. Now that's a hardcore Nirvana fan! Name a few topics to write about on Epinions? There's really only one topic to write about on Epinions, as far as I can tell: yourself. If an actual product review manages to slip by the solipsism, we all pretend like we did it on purpose.. 7. Hobbies? You must be talking about the Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679) fanclub I belong to. The "Hobbies" (not to be confused with the "Hobbers", who take their hero worship to unhealthy extremes) meet once a week down at the community centre. We usually begin by making an attempt at discussing "Leviathan", but inevitably the whole thing breaks down into rabid bouts of name-calling: "You're nasty!" "No, you're nasty!" "Oh yeah? Well you're nasty and brutish!" "At least I'm not short!" "Shut up! I haven't hit my growth spurt yet!" [begins singing] "Short people got no reason to live!" You get the idea. 8. What kind of car do you drive? What color is it? Unlike most boys, I don't fetishize my car, and find it boring to talk about. So here's an anagram of the above question instead: Who rocked unfit dada ivory? Who tics oil art? In an attempt to explain her painting, 'The Upper Side of the Sky', which depicts a flowing piece of golden fabric flying past an open door, artist Kay Sage rocked the following verse: "I have built an ivory tower of despair... I scream, I scream... In my ivory tower." Ms. Sage eventually took her own life, possibly because she was, in the end, unfit to rock the image of the ivory tower. Or, more likely, because the Tourretic tics she acquired, due to her allergy to oil-based paints, finally pushed her over the edge. This is probably a poor answer to your question, because Ms. Sage was more a surrealist than a dadaist. I guess the old adage, that there's truth in every anagram, has now been definitely proven untrue. Go me! 9. Worst time you got into trouble when you were a kid? I was a pretty good kid. Any answer I give to this question will be either really dull or a lie. In that case: Worst time you got into "Kids" when you were in trouble? I got into "Kids", director Larry Clark's cult favourite film, when it was shown on pay television for the first time. I wasn't in trouble back then. But I was in Toronto. Which is more or less the same thing. As Prof. Hill might sing: "Ya got trouble, folks, right here in the T-dot, with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'C' and that stands for 'cinema verite depictions of nihilistic youths terrorizing Manhattan streets in the early nineteen-nineties'." 10. Have you ever been on TV? If so, what for? Once. In a crowd shot at a baseball game. 11. What kind of music do you like to listen to? I hate pigeonholing music into easily defined genres. But I do like pigeonholing breakfast foods. So: What kind of Mueslix do you like to listen to? Kellogg's recently put out a new cereal, a mixture of untoasted rolled oats, dried fruit, and Rice Krispies®. I love to start my day with a musical medley of snap, crackle, pop, and whatever sounds untoasted rolled oats and dried fruits make. 12. What CD would your friends be surprised that you own? 13. Shoes or sandals? If your friends get surprised when they discover certain CD's in your collection, then maybe they need to cut back on the caffeine. And is #13 a tired parody of the old "boxers or briefs" question? I propose a couple of alternatives: What shoes would your friends be surprised that you own? I own a pair of floppy clown shoes that might furrow an eyebrow or two. Also, the existence and makeup of my vast mukluk collection is not information for general consumption. I used to have a pair of wooden clogs that a friend brought back from Holland. Which probably disqualifies them, since that friend wouldn't be surprised to see them. Unless I used the shoes to knock him on the head first. CD's or sandals? Depends on the context. If I'm in the mood for some groovy tunes, then you can't beat a good CD. If I'm heading down to the hippie commune, then, well, CD's work there too. Or maybe I'm thinking of going to the beach for the day. Actually, I wouldn't mind having some music to listen to on the beach. Now, if I were going skeet shooting, and I've just run out of skeet, then, in a pinch, a pair of sandals will do the job nicely. Pull! 14. Where do you buy most of your clothes? 15. Have you ever met any famous people? If so, who? Shopping questions? Queries about celebrity encounters? What have I gotten myself into here? I think I know how to fix this up: Where do you buy most of your people? There used to be a slave auction house a couple of blocks from where I used to live. I'd go down there for the afternoon, if I didn't have anything better to do. I tell you, you could get a great bargain on a used chartered accountant, or maybe a pair of pizza delivery boys, if you played your cards right. One time, the guy next to me picked up a brand new wife, two-point-five kids, and a family dog for less than the price of a fancy meal I never found any Epinionators for sale, though. Because, as we all know, those people are priceless. Have you ever met any famous clothes? If so, who? I once had an interesting conversation with Elvis' white-sequined jumpsuit. I surmised that the benefits we as a society have experienced as a result of Martin Luther's printing press far outreached the detrimental qualities of organized religion, which the press ultimately spawned. Suity saw my point, but claimed he was a big fan of the 95 Theses, and wouldn't concede Karl Marx' axiom that religion was the opium of the masses. After knocking this idea back and forth for a while, we went inside and made fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Mmmm! 16. What are your favorite TV shows? The Amazing Race, The Charlie Rose Show, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Friends, Inside the Actors' Studio, King of the Hill, The Late Show with David Letterman, Live with Regis and Kelly, M*A*S*H reruns, Seinfeld reruns, The Simpsons, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, The West Wing. I figured I should answer at least one of the questions (semi-) seriously. Good night. I hope you learned nothing.

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