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My Three Unrequited Loves (Simply_Crispy's Epinions Love-In W/O)Jun 16 '03 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line I wanted to be a bit wacky with this, but there is a grain of truth in all of these words..... Well, I’ve decided to write this essay for Simply_Crispy’s Epinions Love-In write-off, but am faced with a bit of a snag. You see, I don’t really have the same fanatical attachment to Epinions that other folks most obviously do have. Yes, I do post quite a bit, but that is for purely narcissistic purposes. I am so much of a snob, that I write and write and write, but don’t read and read and read. The honest truth about me is that I don’t spend hours and hours reading and rating. It’s not like I have an extraordinary busy life. I just don’t have the patience to slog through thousands of pieces of product reviews -- it’s a chore just writing one of my own! The truth of the matter is, as well, that product reviews aren’t always the best way to really become impressed with someone. Oh, sure, there are many great writers who write product reviews, and there is a difference between someone who writes a badly-composed review and someone who writes a really spiffy one. But occasionally, a mere product review doesn’t quite make a dent in some readers as does a piece that really captures a writer’s soul. And there are many people who have shown themselves their soul in their work. As you can probably guess, then, there isn’t a particular Epinionator who is my favorite. There are a number of people who fit the bill for being interesting in some fashion ---- I could have picked one of these people, but then I would have cheated all of the others, and it would not be fair to me, mainly because I just want to please everybody. There are a lot of writers on this site who have written some great stuff, or who have just an intriguing personality (or, at least, intriguing to me). I could think of a number of writers right off the top of my head who have written at least one impressive essay. There’s badkittym, who only writes occasionally, but who most assuredly puts her personality into her work. The last piece that she wrote, (http://www.epinions.com/content_3279986820) TROLL BITES - a nonfiction fairy tale, is a truly inventive retelling of a true, and emotionally traumatic, recent event in her life. There’s brotherman, who has written some insanely long music reviews and commentaries, but which appear so filled with knowledge and feeling that they deserve to be read. His look at scandal-ridden R Kelly (http://www.epinions.com/content_3103891588) is no-holds-barred -- he doesn’t give the guy any slack, and makes a very good case for his beliefs. He also elevated the amazingly popular Twenty Things About Me write-off by going for the full 100 (http://www.epinions.com/content_3186270340). I hope to get around to his fiction pieces sometime....... There’s dedemw, who has written some good stuff, in her funny, quirky way. One fine piece is called Uteruses are Evil (http://www.epinions.com/content_3151601796) -- Dede has gone through a lot in terms of illness and the like, and this piece tells us about, besides other things, how doctors she dealt with were unwilling to go through all the necessary procedures to help her out, because they were more worried about the belief that somehow a woman isn’t complete if she doesn’t have the ability to bear children. You’ll understand what I mean when you read the article. As well, there are a few people who have written things that have actually made me laugh, as opposed to merely smile or smirk. Sordid-1 has written some pretty damn funny product reviews, which amazingly still manage to make the proper points about the product in question even while being outrageous and shocking. ned1 has written some very funny stuff about a number of Barbie dolls. And yourcloud is... well, for some reason, I just find her nuts, but nuts in a good way! Ah, so I haven’t been able to show a lot of love, just love for some of the things a few people have written. But I will not completely fail you, oh, not in the slightest. For, you see, there are a few people in this Epinions world whom I do actually love. And that’s my problem -- there is more than one. I bet that a lot of people are thinking that I am such a noble, kindhearted and faithful person -- but I’m really nothing more than a lecherous swine. One person even took offense enough to say, and I quote, “that’s a whole lot of women, you cad!” And I am a cad. I give my love freely -- I’m sorry. I’m in love with three women, and my heart is too confused (or is it fickle) to devote itself to only one. Deep within my puny moral center, I know that this is wrong. It is not fair to the women involved. I’m such a terrible, terrible man. millinocket Otherwise known as Sue (http://www.epinions.com/user-millinocket), the greatest soccer mom west of Wisconsin. She reviews mostly movies, which makes her a pretty cool chick in my book. As far as I can gather, she focuses mostly on the mainstream hits, although Sue has been known to dabble in the occasional Brit comedy, and has a secret fancy for a certain classic film star named Burt. Although my snobby cinematic personality would yearn for Sue to take a chance on something truly offbeat and off-the-wall, my intuition would suspect that Sue’s quirky, sometimes sarcastic but always fun personality would consider itself a poor match for all that artsy-fartsy crap. (Imagine a Sue review on, say, Cries and Whispers...... I dare ya!) What she does review is always composed with a straightforward style -- no fuss, no muss, yet never snobby, or simplistic. She’s the kind of gal who has intelligence, but who doesn’t beat you over the head with it. She actually has the confidence to like a film like Old School, a movie that I am too self-consciously self-important to even see, much less like. While she doesn’t go out of her way to be outrageous or shocking (at least not in her product reviews!), as anyone who has read her feelings, and the subsequent comment sections, on The Majestic or Far From Heaven can testify, she isn’t afraid to wander into controversy from time to time. Luckily, she sticks to her guns. She is also fun to hang out in comment sections (although my laziness precludes me from getting too deeply involved) -- her playful puns on her comment signatures, as well as her clever use of The Bottom Line, is just too cute. I’ve always had a thing for her, mainly because she puts up with all my silly fictional stories and actually thinks that there is some worth in them, instead of them just merely being rambling storylines with lots of talking and occassional sex scenes. She leaves me very pleasant comments in those instances. She’s very supportive. I also think that she’s tres foxy. I love you. toospoiled Otherwise known as Karen (http://www.epinions.com/user-toospoiled), possibly the most drop-dead gorgeous lady on Epinions! She hasn’t written a lot on the site, but she has written some notable pieces on the Writer’s Corner, especially her entry for the underwear write-off, in which she, instead of reviewing a product, related a really bad date with a grabber of a man, who was a little too curious about the undergarment beneath her dress. The date was a jerk, but the essay was funny. Naturally, it’s difficult not to be smitten with Karen -- she looks like a model -- well, I think she said that she was a model at one time, I’m not sure. In any case, she’s hot -- but we have things in common. For one, we’ve drank Pepsi together, during e-mail correspondence; one of many special moments. I love you. jankp Otherwise known as Jan (http://www.epinions.com/user-jankp), the best vegan lady I’ve ever come across. Jan seems to understand me so well -- well, her Dr. Freudine alter ego seems to understand me, at least. She has had me on her virtual psychologist’s couch a number of times, and Dr. Freudine always has had pointed things to say about certain maudlin aspects of my love life, among other things. Other Epinionators have also found themselves in a session with the doctor -- perhaps you will be in one too if you’re not careful....... She is a vegan, as I’ve said before, and, maybe, just maybe, someday I might decide to actually try out some of her occasional recipes and diet tips that she occasionally gives. I know that she would probably be quite happy herself if I were to someday change my diet... you know, quit the fast food joints, eat more fruits and veggies, all that stuff. Jan is also a fond lover of classic films, which is terrific -- finally, I meet a woman who actually understands the sorts of films I often watch! Cary Grant seems to be her favorite, although she has also reviewed films from other classic stars like John Wayne, Marilyn Monroe, and others. Jan is someone who is definitely closer to an artist than a mere product reviewer. She wrote a novel, Eden in Limbo, and even made it into an audio book. Her whole Dr. Freudine persona is also very clever -- she even reviewed a self-help book in the style of one of her sessions, with me, no less. A woman who likes old films, and is an artist -- why wouldn’t one go for that? I love you. So, look, you see, I am such a cad. And I am destined to remain this way, with all my loves unrequited. The story of my life -- I love too much, but get nothing in return. Sigh........ *Note: I don’t recommend saying “I love you”, and gushing about total strangers, lest they think that you are a bit nuts. The three women in this essay do know me well enough that they actually can have a bit of a laugh with this. Or at least, I hope that they can......!!  |
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