These 10 Celebrities Render Ipecac Superfluous...
Jun 22 '03
The Bottom Line These celebrities provide SCADS & SCADS & SCADS of consume-hurl-icious gag-triggers.
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I. INTRODUCTION:
"Friends, spew-garglers and cookie-splashers-- ...lend me your semi-digested meals! I come to bury these ten; not to praise them."
The following spew-crew represent a ten-pack of the most foul and repulsive public entities to besmirch the media with their viscera-offending personas I've ever had trigger my gag reflex. Pull up a barf bag and prepare to purge, as we projectile-paint our way past a lumpy lap-load of losers at living locations listed on Lunch-Launchers' Lane. (Listed in descending order of increasing nausea; from dry heaves to projectile-bile buckets.)
Since many people I talk to don't seem familiar enough with U.S. political figures to appreciate how profoundly annoying they really are, I plucked most of them off of what had originally been my list. Among these distinguished dickheads were: California Governor Gray Davis, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, Al Gore's whiny ex-Vice Presidential running mate, Senator Joe Liebermann and that fat barrel o' monkey-spunk, Senator Ted Kennedy. Three of these political-figures are such prolific purge-inducers I was compelled to leave them on the list. I think you are familiar enough with their perpetual lies to recognize them.
Some names I left off my list despite how truly annoying they are, because their names have become so synonymous with the term "annoying" that their list inclusion would border on redundancy. Listing public figures like Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Reverend Al Sharpton, Al Gore or Andrew Dice Clay would be the "annoying-advisement" equivalent of my dropping bombshells on you like, "rocks are hard," or "water is wet," as though these statements were some kind of a newsflash. In other words, what would be the point?
II. THE ANNOYANCE BAROMETER "KEY CODE:"
A. Annoyance is not a "once-size-fits-all" commodity, or else acquiring a hangnail wouldn't be any more or less annoying than being investigated by the Internal Revenue Service. The following paragraphs describe the three classifications into which I've separated my ten annoying media-entity selections. They are:
1) "THE PERSISTENT NEBISH"
(Dangleberrius Abrasivius)
Annoyance Level: Moderate
Media Entity Numerical Range: 10 - 8
Registering a notch above the "Harmless Imbecile" on my regurgitometer is that species of annoying media entity referred to as "The Persistent Nebish." Contrary to popular belief, Persistent Nebishes actually DO radiate noxious levels of annoyance, but their low-grade irritation emissions only enable them to irritate in a "cumulative," rather than "acute" or "traumatic" manner. Having a PN in your visceral vicinity roughly equates to having an average-sized, reasonably-jagged, removal-defiant pebble in your hiking boot, at the inverted curl just under the third or fourth toe, during the uphill leg of a reasonably steep mountain hike.
These seemingly harmless nitwits should never be underestimated. Nonetheless, they consistently evade detection because they invade that subliminal "horse latitudes" of the prospective victim's consciousness known as "beneath contempt," and thus frequently don't merit enough attention to provoke so much as a fly swat. Whether they're observed on TV or in a movie, read about in the newspaper or heard on the radio, once these parasitic, attention-loiterers have exploited a breach in the integrity of their victim's sphere of awareness, they leech onto spotty patches of consciousness at the periphery of the awareness. From here, they gradually ruin one's day by compromising the ability to focus on pleasant stimuli.
2) "THE PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH"
(Rammapolus Uppyerholus)
Annoyance Level: Medium
Media Entity Numerical Range: 7 - 5
The "Painful Rectal Itch" is like a Persistent Nebish on rocket fuel. Though they generate a strain of annoyance which is in many ways like that of their PN cousins, PRIs differ in that their irritation is so concentrated they must always infiltrate their victim's awareness at a conscious level. The variety of annoyance and disgust a PRI entity imposes on people who are forced to endure their repulsive personalities, falls somewhere between what you might experience when:
a) You hopelessly lose the reception on your TV set during the final seconds of a "must-win" World Cup 2nd Round qualifier just as your team is awarded a penalty kick that represents the go-ahead goal,
AND, what you might experience when:
b) While visiting an amusement park, you realize the nagging queasiness you feel in your throat and stomach isn't just a "fleeting" pang of motion sickness, but rather a "just-settling-in" case of Salmonella food poisoning, which won't remain in your system for too long, thanks to your reckless decision to experience the amusement park's violently-gyrating "Octopus Ride," which is now beginning the first of what will seem like thousands of stomach-clearing revolutions.
3) "THE PATHETIC EMETIC"
(Hurlopicus Nonstopicus)
Annoyance Level: "Excruciating"
Media Entity Numerical Range: 4 - 1
"Pathetic" means having a capacity to evoke contempt or pity. An "emetic" is an agent that induces vomiting. "Pathetic Emetics" are media entities so loathsome and contemptible they can only be endured for limited periods of time before they induce prolonged, often violent episodes of projectile vomiting. To “lump” them in with the other irritant variants would be tantamount to according the same dread and deference one might reserve for a firecracker threat, to a formal declaration of war made by a country with nuclear capability. There is really no experience which adequately conveys the revulsion and dysphoria evoked by media entity abominations of this scale and magnitude.
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III. THE ANNOYING CELEBRITIES
===== A. THE PERSISTENT NEBISHES (#10 THROUGH #8) =====
10. -- RICHARD SIMMONS
Another get-Rich-quick scheme goes belly up.
How rolly-polly Richard Simmons ever became an exercise maven is one of those vexing media mysteries for which no one seems to have a solution. How he gets on my nerves is somewhat less of a mystery. It's his voice. When Simmons' lips move, his throat emits a dental work-loosening nasal whine that can only be described as a cross between a dentist's drill excavating a cavity and a blunt-toothed saver-saw attempting to cut through a particularly sturdy chalkboard. Though one can endure it in small amounts, it has a cumulatively destructive effect on the listener's central nervous system that can eventually lead to permanent insanity.
Simmons might be lower on my list if he didn't have a humorous side to his personality. This became evident when radio shock-jock, Howard Stern had Simmons as a guest on his morning talk show. He proceeded to harass Simmons so badly, the latter was literally reduced to bawling. It was hilarious! Anyone who is willing to blubber like a bitch-slapped baboon for his fans, can't be all bad, right?
9. --LIZA MINELLI
Somewhere over the rainbow Liza pot of gold, but I couldn't find it.
When I was growing up, Liza Minelli's persona seemed to permeate the media. The only movie in which I actually recall seeing her play a role, was "Arthur," starring the late Dudley Moore. Why Arthur would presume to give up 750 million ducats and a tasty, blonde slimmy to boot, for the lard-ass likes of loud-mouthed Liza, was one of my earliest lessons about Hollywood reality's ludicrous logic leaps.
The Liza liability I least like, is the loathsome loudness of her liver lips-levied, "love-me-please" logorrhea. She personifies that put-on plastic personality whose perpetual perkiness pierces my peace of mind, presses my patience and provokes my put-downs.
"HURL OF SHAME" HIGHLIGHTS:
Liza tops the list of an infamous group of insufferable "awards ceremony boors" to which even the most stouthearted of awards ceremony emcees and hosts fear turning over their microphones. They know from past experience that Liza's acceptance speeches only have beginnings. All manner of attempts to persuade Liza to comply with requests not to exceed her allotted speech times, seem only to encourage her to exceed her previous filibusters. Why Liza believes anything she might have to say is so important that it provides her carte blanche to steal the speech time reserved for her more considerate fellow awardees or to trash the carefully synchronized business schedules of the dozens of entities who so generously enabled her to receive her awards, is anybody's guess.
Out of sheer desperation, awards hosts warned Liza that if she ignored the "time" cue cards, they'd wait a minute or two, then draw the curtains on her no matter where she was in her speech. When Liza attempted to call their bluff by blatantly ignoring her time cues, the awards staff waited a minute or two for her comply, then began to draw the curtains on her. Liza, noticing that she was about to get swallowed in a swathe of curtains, impatiently parried and dodged them without missing a beat of her ever-unwinding acceptance speech. She eventually stepped out in front of them as they closed and continued to rattle on. After all this, SHE had the unmitigated gall to sound off at her HOSTS!
8. --JACQUES CHIRAC
Getting greased for promoting peace.
The "hush-hush" sweetheart oil deal with Saddam Hussein that compromised his loyalty to his NATO allies proved that treachery and duplicity were not restricted to blood-thirsty dictators. He would rate much lower if his media visibility exceeded more than an occasional mention in the news.
===== B. THE PAINFUL RECTAL ITCHES (#7 THROUGH #5)=====
7. --PAULY SHORE
Washed up on Shore lines.
Pauly Shore is the mealy-mouthed MTV-spawn whose putrescent personality pollutes such eminently forgettable Hollywood clunkers as "Encino Man," "Son In Law," "Jury Duty," "In The Army Now" and "Bio-Dome." He also appeared in the ill-considered and inevitably short-lived Fox sitcom, "Pauly." Shame on you MTV for plucking this dangleberry from the annals of anal anonymity and foisting him like an errant hershey fart on our media-oppressed senses!
I have nothing against pimple-pussed, perennial Peter Pans or genderless, wimpy dudes who provide underprivileged, punching bag-deprived high school bullies an outlet for their physical aggression, but I get real ornery when the media poisons my consciousness with them by elevating them to "star" status. Pauly Shore is by far, the worst of the "high school Methuselahs." He reminds me of that whiny teacher's pet who'd rat me out for any number of the harmless, juvenile activities I'd indulge in order to make my school experience minimally tolerable.
What does Pauly have against puberty? Hunh?! I can sort of understand it when a talented vocalist like Michael Jackson has his testicles removed to maintain his multimillion dollar ability to sing across four octaves, but when a life support system for juvenile stupidity like Pauly Shore does it to maintain his ability to jangle your senses with his whiny, mewling voice, the logic utterly confounds me!
One night, a few years ago, my brother, my friend Vic and I had just settled down at a table with some honeys we met at an L.A. night club called The Gate. Our pleasant, drunken banter was suddenly and most rudely interrupted by this insect and two of his entourage, when, unable to secure a table of their own, they insisted on setting their uninvited asses down at ours. My brother and I, attempting to make the best of a bad situation, began taking turns hazing Pauly and his human book ends mercilessly, until Vic and the girls were in tears laughing and Pauly was in tears (but not laughing.) It should be noted in Pauly's favor that his character-defining nasal whine is not merely a trumped up Hollywood gimmick.
6. --BARNEY THE DINOSAUR; THE TELETUBBIES, ETC.
"Dinosaur" translated means "terrible lizard."
C'mon folks, it's a singing dinosaur-- get over it! Not even a REAL one.
I've got sort of a dark disposition. I tend to clash with educational creatures; real or imaginary, who impose their unprovoked, chirpy-whistling, good-to-be-alive, irrational sense of well-being on me. Why don't they just have the good sense to be miserable as Providence intended them to be? Don't people realize how psychologically-damaging improperly and recklessly expended cheerfulness can be? Go ahead. Keep singin' along with that sappy brontosaurus. Just remember how much fun you had bronto-beboppin' when you're having your eyes and skin treated for all the low level radiation damage you sustained from your prolonged exposure to those unnaturally glowing, piano-key, dinosaur perma-smiles you thought were so harmless.
Barney not only antagonizes me, but he offends the sacred memory of our dinosaur forebears who so bravely layed down their lives so that we might one day be able to fill up our cars with high-test. It sickens me to envision the horrified and insulted expressions that would form on their dinosaur faces if they were to ever observe the unconscionably degrading manner in which the media belittles them. What about the Teletubbies? The media is in for an (out-of-this)-world of pain if it thinks extra-terrestrials aren't hip to the blatant and recklessly antagonistic way it uses the "teletubbies" to alien-bait them. What gives the media the right?
Seriously though, keep that bubbly bronto out of my face. Any media entity that wears one of those godforsaken fantasy animal costumes and sings happiness jingles is tolerable to me only in the form of a dartboard photo. I'm sorry, but I take it personally when purple, faux-dinosaurs assault my viscera with sing-songy saccharine sweetness. I crumple like a card table when subjected to the lethal doses of nauseating bubbly chirpiness that have become the dubious hallmark of educational TV fantasy creatures in general. If you're a guest at someone's rugrat-overrun household, there's virtually no defense against it. I reserve the unconditional right to "accidentally" knock over anybody's television set I encounter when it's tuned to one of these obnoxious kiddy shows.
5. --BOY BANDS (TAKE YOUR PICK)
Loose lip-synch shticks.
BSB, 'N Sync, 98°, Menudo, Millie Vanilli, it doesn't matter to me; take your pick. They all suck. These senses-assaulting, music-talent bereft, corporate media puppets are a living insult to every musical artist who ever composed, sang or played the instrumental on a real song. When I say "real" song, I refer to one that is generated by the creative inspiration process; not by the media corporate executive's "formula reconstruction" process. Every teenybopper dollar wasted on these media-manufactured, muzak-peddling mannequins, is a dollar stolen from the threadbare pocket of some deserving, dedicated musical artist. I look forward to seeing every last one of them cutting ceremonial ribbons at local mall-based store openings when the onset of adulthood renders their "physical" musical talent permanently null and void.
===== C. THE PATHETIC EMETICS (#4 THROUGH #1) =====
4. --BARBRA STREISAND
This actress should keep her big nose out of politics.
Babs' big nose, her even bigger mouth and her overpowering voice brought her fame as an actress and a singer. How ironic that these very same features now bring her scorn and infamy as a political activist. It's one thing for an actress to be politically active; it's quite another for her to attempt to use her celebrity clout to strong arm and manipulate Congress. Leave politics to the politicians, Babs.
3. --WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON
Can a common criminal ascend to the most powerful political position in the world? Just ask U.S. voters.
The "used car salesman" of international politics. This guy is a human virus. Anything he encounters is infected by his foul persona. He singlehandedly re-wrote the political ethics playbook replacing any instance of "integrity" with "expediency." Any new politician who runs for office is forced to don the mantle of depravity that has become this maggot's dubious political legacy. The only politician who offends me more, is his calculating demon-shrew of a wife, Hillary Clinton.
2. --HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON
Duplicity; thy name is Hillary.
Behind every highly-aspiring, cut-throat MacBeth is a domineering Lady MacBeth, futilely attempting to scrub the psychological blood from her talons. Bill and Hillary are truly a match made in Hell. Her skill in circumventing the truth, covering up lies, deceiving and manipulating the public, burying her tracks and destroying evidence, exceeds even that of husband Bill, and he has no (surviving) rivals in those areas.
Hill's "tell-all" White House memoirs, "Living History" recently hit the book stands. I find something disturbingly oxymoronic about seeing Hillary's name in the same sentence with the adverbial phrase "tell-all." Wouldn't it have been tragic if the book's printer was slightly myopic and mistook the "iv" in "Living" for a "y?" It's amazing when you think about it, how just two little title letters can change the characterization of a book's content from "fiction" to "non-fiction."
1. --"FRIENDS" (ALL SIX OF THEM)
With Friends Like You, Who Needs Ipecac?
What do you get when you set a 1/2 hour-long gag reflex to internationally-televised network T.V.? Did I hear someone groan “Friends?” The combined brain waves generated by a capacity-filled football stadium of "Friends"-watching zombies wouldn't register so much as a flicker on an EEG. What have I got against these friends? There are simply too many aspects of this idiotic sitbomb's six whiny imbeciles that offend me, to provide a comprehensive listing here.
The nebulous, nit-witty banter exchanged by this loathsome sextet of brainless bimbos has done more to stultify the art of common conversation than the invention of the Sony Walkman. I have yet to see a "Friends" episode where any of these brainiacs broach a subject worthy of discussion; humorous or otherwise. Chandler's "3rd nipple?" Ross's "pet monkey?" Joey's "acting career?" Spare me. I’ve often wondered if this televised brain-rot wasn’t really just a network T.V. executive-conspired plot to turn the T.V.-watching world into media-consuming vegetables.
Who cast this show and what personal bias did its casting director have against personality? When these one-dimensional human caricatures commune, the resulting monosyllabic dialogue exchange creates an invisible, negative life-force vortex; a 6-person personality black hole that gradually sucks the electrolytes right out of the unwitting viewer's frontal lobe. If you turn the volume all the way down (so that the impossibly wimpy David Schwimmer's falsetto whine doesn't rob you of the ability to focus your concentration,) you can actually feel the brain-drain's subtle pulsation. That's the tingling sensation generated by your intellect as it gets sucked out of your skull. I don't mean to frighten you if you're a frequent "Friends" viewer, but it's estimated that you lose approximately 3 to 5 I.Q. points for every four episodes of this mind-melt to which you expose your brain.
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SPECIALIZED ANNOYANCE LIST ALTERNATES:
Give Republicans A Bad Name:
1. Jesse Helmes
2. Donald Rumsfeld
3. Edwin Meese
Give Lawyers A Bad Name:
1. Gloria Allred
2. Johnny Cochran
3. Alan Dershowitz
Give Couples A Bad Name
1. Frank Gifford & Kathy Lee
2. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez
3. Justin Timberlake & (Ex) Brittany Spears
Give Stand Up Comedians A Bad Name
1. Ellen DeGeneres
2. Jerry Seinfeld
3. Roseanne Barr
Give Spouse-Killers A Bad Name
1. Courtney Love
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Robert Blake
Give Talk Show Hosts A Bad Name:
1. Rosie O'Donnell
2. Larry King
3. Geraldo Rivera
Give Clint Eastwood Try-To-Be's A Bad Name:
1. Sylvester Stallone
2. Bruce Willis
3. Chuck Norris
Give Clint Eastwood Will-Never-Be's ("Wusses") A Bad Name:
1. Andrew McCarthy
2. Leonardo DiCaprio
3. Kevin Costner
Give SCADS-Providing A Bad Name:
1. Sordid-1
2. Ken (a.k.a. "Jeffy The Consumer Clown")
3. VerbalMudSlide's Piggottian Founder & Host
Happy hurling--
--29th
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Member: Jim Scileppi
Location: The 29th Congressional District, CA
Reviews written: 67
Trusted by: 516 members
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