Manly-Man Observations & Advice From Women (Manly-Man W/O)
Jun 21 '03 (Updated Jun 19 '04)
The Bottom Line Men -- Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em... But you can poke 'em with a stick!
Happy Anniversary to HawgWyld, and Joubert! In honor of this auspicious occasion, I have chosen to write on the Manly-Man experienced through the eyes of the victim – um, I mean woman. To get a broad spectrum of ideas and to see how widespread my own observations are, I enlisted the help of some of my daily e-zine readers. I was very surprised to see the volume of input, and even more surprised to see how many confirmations came from the men! One of the men even said that if I could shed some light on a few issues and bring peace and harmony to things, I’d be the “Oprah Winfrey of the Internet.” I don’t think it will go that far, but I’ll give it a shot. Hey, a girl’s gotta dream. Anyway, the following is a collection of general observations and accounts accompanied by a little womanly advice. This may be tongue-in-cheek, but the advice is truly real. . . Guys, please read the conclusion before leaving any mean comments, OK?
Warning: This “review” contains graphic descriptions and eye-witness accounts of Manly-Man activity.
Bodily Noises
Burping (Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it): Tender moments are not the time to let one of these slip. Nothing says “I love you,” more than kissing your woman and clueing her in on what you had for lunch.
Farting (AKA “Barking Tree Spiders”): Yes, farts are funny. But you know, there is a time and place for ripping a long and juicy one. Superbowl parties, yes. Dinner parties, no. If you DO let one slip during a dinner party, please do not blame it on the dog, the kids or especially your woman. . . unless you like sleeping in the garage.
“Catching the Scent” is not an appropriate or acceptable practice – at any time. You might also try laying off the bean dip, salsa and beer before bedtime. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, please be courteous and not fan the covers.
We women have bodily noises, too. We just know how to control them. This is one reason we b!tch so much – so we don’t explode. Yes, that was a brazenly stolen joke. There are a couple of stolen jokes in here. Credit in advance to “Anonymous.”
Dominion
Remote Control (AKA “Clicky”): Men have the idea they have inherent, inalienable rights to commandeer the remote control. For some reason, they think we want to view 150 programs in 15-30 second intervals. Damn. . . get a TV Guide.
Bonus advice: Women also don’t care to have their hair blown back by the sound waves from your Dolby Surround Sound set-up.
The Grill: This is one thing women don’t mind at all. It’s the only time we can get you to cook. For some reason, men are drawn to open flames and generalized danger. Most of us women aren’t. We aren’t particularly fond of the idea of having our eyebrows singed off when firing up the grill. Men wear it as a badge of courage and manliness. The ceremonial burning of animal flesh is all yours, guys.
Fixing things: Most men are either mechanically inclined or just think they are. They firmly believe anything can be fixed, and they can fix it. Well, that’s half right – men are really good at taking things apart. It’s getting it back together using all the parts that’s the problem. Two bits of advice here: First, hide or dispose of any “spare” parts from the rebuild. Second, YOU test it out first. Emergency rooms are busy enough without having to mend two household accident victims from the same house.
Investigational skills: General observation: Men poke everything with a stick. During the Shuttle Columbia clean-up (not far from my area), you’d see all these guys on the local news who found pieces and parts, and every interview went the same way: “Well, those fellers said not to touch it, so we poked it with a stick. You know, just to make sure.” This stick-poking trait is evidenced early in life. My 17 month old son takes great delight in attempting to poke the dog’s butt with a stick. I don’t have any advice for this. . . I just consider it an endearing, if not funny trait.
Double-Standards and Fantasies: Why did I put this under dominion? Read on. . . Another conundrum to the female species – we don’t quite understand these fantasies guys have about watching their women and/or participating in “HLA” (Hot Lesbian Action). If women have this same fantasy about being with her man and another guy, well, that’s just down-right slutty.
Inappropriate Comments/Compliments
Sometimes men say the damnedest things at the damnedest times. Take my hubby during the birth of our last child. Let me set the scene: Labor at 33 weeks, abruption, emergency C-Section, preemie baby coming. Scary, huh? I’m on the table – scared, shaved, and dead from the waist down. They had already begun the surgery before Hubby gets gowned up and in the room. He comes around the curtain and what does he say? Nope. . . Wasn’t, “Hi honey, I love you. . . Everything’s going to be OK. . .” It was, “Wow! Man they really have you laid open!” I’m thinking sensitivity training is needed at this point. It didn’t stop there, though.
Baby’s out, Dad’s holding him, Doc is still working. Hubby’s bringing the baby to me and once again glances over the curtain – “Man, that’s the biggest placenta I’ve ever seen!” Color me mega-embarrassed. That one even had the nurses slapping their heads. OK, he’s mastered Embarrassment 101. But God love him, I had to laugh.
So guys, always think before you speak, please. Not every woman will be incapacitated as I was. . .
Help and Directions
Men honestly believe they can find their way through life with their “natural sense of direction,” a Zippo lighter and a roll of duct tape. Only MacGyver could do that, and he’s not even real. It’s OK to ask for help, call a tow-truck, buy a map, and ask the locals for directions. We will not think you any less of a man for doing any of those things. In fact, we’ll be quite proud of you!
Presents
I have to admit it’s a toss-up on this one. Some of you guys are great in the gift-giving department, and very creative, too. There’s a myth out there that presents have to be expensive. This isn’t true. You really don’t need a lot of money (or any money) to give your women the best presents. Women are emotional, and our needs are emotionally driven. You can use this to your advantage, and if you play your cards right, you can be exalted to demi-god status.
Little or No-Money Examples:
Beat her home one day. Arrange a sitter if you have kids. Leave a light trail of rose petals leading into the bedroom, which is softly lit with candles and filled with her kind of romantic music in the background. Yes, you may have to break out the Barely Man-Enough (Barry Manilow), but remember – its for a good cause. A light dusting of rose petals on the bed, and perhaps some fine wine or champagne chilling. Strawberries and cream dip are a nice, inexpensive touch, too. Wait for her on the bed, and wear some clothes (we like unwrapping our presents). Chances are 10 to 1 she won’t get mad at the mess you made with the rose petals in the floor/bed as long as you didn’t pluck them from her rose garden. This may also not be the time to whip out the chocolate sauce, whipped cream or video camera. Use good judgement on that. As long as you make the event all about her, you are going to reap benefits way beyond good nookie. Other nice touches: bubble baths and body massage with exotic oils (even baby oil will do). Also use good judgement when introducing “emotion lotion.”
Do’s and Don’ts of Gift-Giving
DO give candy – preferably wrapped and made of chocolate – packaging intact, please.
DO give jewelry – much better than a bag of M&M’s (which is what you’re thinking about the candy category).
DO NOT try to fool women with fake jewelry. We know cubic zirconia and gold electroplate when we see it.
DO use EXTREME CAUTION when buying lingerie. Remember that women are complex. It has to be the exact and right size, have just the right amount of sluttiness, and has to match the mood we are feeling at the exact moment of presentation. If you are unsure of any of the preceding, either find something else to buy or give her a gift certificate. A gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret is completely acceptable. A gift certificate for the Porno-Wear and Adult Bookstore downtown is not. Don’t worry. . . yes, there are lots of things other than lingerie at Victoria’s Secret, but we know why you gave us the certificate. As long as your woman isn’t a mean and vindictive wench, she’ll get the sleazy underwear. Above all else, remember this – women do not want to open up and display a pair of crotchless panties at the family Christmas party.
DO tell your woman you love her. That’s a gift all in itself. Look at her when you tell her, preferably at her face, and for God’s sake, remember her name.
Other Miscellaneous Tidbits of Advice
Our headaches are inversely proportionate to the number of baths you take, as well as inappropriate comments you make.
Speedos are not pretty when accompanied by a beer gut.
Don’t yell at us about getting off the phone and then not talk to us.
Learn to cook at least one recognizable, if not palatable dish that’s not grilled.
Put the toilet lid back down, and if you can’t bring yourself to do that, please hit the water instead of the rim.
30 minutes of begging is not considered foreplay in a woman’s eyes.
Use care with video camera equipment. Women do not want their home movies to contain a series of screams and flushes.
Conclusion
Yes, I made fun of you guys. You make fun of us too, you know. We (women) are just as quirky as any guy every could be. But when it all boils down, you guys are our rocks and our knights in shining armor, with many more endearing qualities than you think (or we let on). When things are scary, you’re there to protect us. When things aren’t so sunny, you’re there for us, giving us a shoulder to cry on. Even though you might not hear a word we’re saying, the simple act of being caring and attentive is enough and makes all the difference in the world.
We honor you, Manly-Man, and give thanks that you’re around.
To read other entries in the Manly-Man Write-Off, visit this link: www.angelfire.com/mb2/mypageontheweb/page9.html
Thanks for reading,
© 2003-2004 Donna Standridge
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Member: Donna Standridge
Location: Texarkana, Texas
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