Coming Down The Stairs!Jun 24 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Celebrate life! Sex! Power! Violence! With Australian children's television programming.
What Should You Know About Childrens' TV Shows... in AUSTRALIA! Every now again here in Australia we like to give our four year olds a bit of a break from wrestling crocodiles and such and plonk them in front of a TV. In case you ever find yourself in this corner of the earth with a restless toddler, never fear, here is an acute summary of the good, bad and ugly of Australian children's programming. PLAYSCHOOL has been on Australian TV since the very beginning of time. It is regarded as one of the most lucrative television jobs there is. Playschool is harmless children's television at its best. Noni with the aid of toilet rolls and streamers pretends to be a horse. Tom with three popsicle sticks, some glue (make sure you get Mum to help you) and an old toothbrush makes a scale model of Bavaria. The Playschool hosts also look through the Windows, an arch, circle and square, for interesting learning adventures (my all time favourite is still the glove making factory). There is also the ROCKET CLOCK. BOOOOM ZAAAAP! Secondary characters include Big Ted and Little Ted, Jemima and Humpty Dumpty. Playschool will teach your children how to be MacGyver and get out of any situation with some dental floss, popsicle sticks, crayons and Mum's help. BANANAS IN PYJAMAS were a lucrative spin off from Playschool, eventually getting their own live action television show in which grown people wore banana suits. They are irresistably cute though, and its a show which wins over even the greatest cynics. B1 and B2 also are easily marketable, and you'll find a large range of merchandise from pencils to clothing to potassium supplements (though I may have imagined that one). They had a theme song which went "Bananas, in pyjamas/Are coming down the stairs./Bananas, in pyjamas/Are chasing teddy bears/Cos on Tuesdays they all want to catch them un-awares!". BIP also created several spin offs in its own right- Zucchinis in Bikinis and Beetroots in Gumboots. Neither however come even close to the superior coolness of the original Bananas, maybe because you just know once the cameras stop rolling the Bananas take off the pyjamas and prance around in leather chaps making lewd potassium jokes. Bananas in Pyjamas teaches your children the importance of potassium in a balanced diet, and that gay couples are just like any other couple. It also lets them know it's perfectly okay to stay in their pyjamas all day- which is ideal preparation for university life. HI-5 is hosted by five amazingly peppy 20somethings who all gleam with good health and morals. Charli, Kellie, Kathleen and the two hunks of the group- Tim and Nathan dance and sing like little pop princes and princesses. However whilst they wiggle (more on that later) their groove thang they sing harmlessly inoffensive songs about animals and going to the beach. With a techno beat and matching Madonna-dancer uniforms. If you have problems watching buff young men woggle and waggle in skin tight leather pants and sleeveless tops (and of course, I find this such a chore) you may prefer- WHAT'S UP DOC. Warner Brothers cartoons are hardly Australian or novel, but in Australia this show has been hosted by a number of particularly cleavacious swimsuit models. One of whom married the son of Australia's richest man. Whilst Mums made their children watch Hi-5, Dads forced their kids to watch What's Up Doc. Hostie Kate Fischer wore low cut, skin tight tops and use to lean towards the camera just so and would give a slight shake as she breathily asked "And are you watching this show with your daddies, kids?" Whilst Hi-5 teaches children all the latest dance moves, What's Up Doc teaches children that by having big breasts you can marry the station owner's son and become very, very wealthy. THE WIGGLES I believe are now almost big in the US. I personally have a soft spot for them, but who among us doesn't have room in their hearts for four grown men in coloured turtlenecks, a dinosaur named Dorothy and a Big Red Car? And then there's my favourite Captain Feathersword who teaches children about skulduggery and treasure hunting and is completely unconnected to impotency and who dares suggest such a thing? Jeff, the purple one, has a sleeping problem and The Wiggles' break through hit was WAKE UP JEFF! The Wiggles take their musical and visual influence from the 50s rockabilly quartets, unlike Hi-5's Ibiza influenced dance hits. The Wiggles teach your children always to trust men in primary colours who shake about a lot. They also teach punctuality, driving skills and that no one likes Cold Spaghetti, Cold Spaghetti. MULLIGANS: was one of the most terrifying shows of my childhood. I can't remember much apart from a make up imprint of a girl's face on a screen talking to me. Lipstick lips. Eyeliner pencil eyes. It was very frighty. Mulligans teaches your children the true meaning of fear. MR SQUIGGLE: is the Man from the Moon who has a pencil for a nose. The idea is that loyal viewers sent in a page with a few scribbles and he made them a picture- but upside down. Then grumpy old mister Blackboard would grunt "Upside Down! Upside Down!" and the picture would be revealed. They were all marionettes, which was slightly creepy, but it was such a good show it didn't matter. Mr Squiggle teaches kids that anyone can be a modern artist. FERALS: is an appalling puppet show like an out-take from Jim Henson. Fluffly characters- a cat, a rat, a dingo (named Darren) and Mixi (a rabbit- cleverly named after the rabbit killing poison) live in a dump and generally get up to crazy hi-jinks. It's ghastly, and teaches children the importance of good hygiene and safe nuclear disposal in case radioactivity ever brings these travesties to children's television to life. BOOKWORM: use to be on before Lambchop. Bookworm was a worm who looked like an albino turd with glasses and he lived in a bookshop. Every episode kindly adult type people would come in and read. It's a noble idea, but when my brother was about 6 he did a killer bookworm impression involving gambling at a roulette wheel (this is entirely true) and now I can't watch Bookworm without breaking into hysterics whilst screaming "RED 24 PLEASE!" Bookworm teaches your children that if they read they will turn into a spectacle wearing inverterbrate. These are just a small sampling of Australian children's television programming. There were also a large number of tedious shows involving a nice cross section of stereotyped pre-teenagers (the smart one, the Asian one, the pretty one, the sporty one, the joker one etc etc) solving crimes and doing good for the community but I believe this has polluted all aspects of television worldwide. Australia has also inflicted upon the world a lot of dreadful pre-teen sci-fi shows like Ocean Girl and something involving space ships which was so awful I've wiped it from my brain, but it was on after Captain Planet. And so in conclusion, this was a shameless rip off to the much superior piece by Kris-Kochanski (imitation is the greatest form of flattery so nerny nerny ner) but with a local slant; and fertiliser pellets are not an acceptable raisin subsitute.  |
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