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32 Epinionators Vie For My Love In Simply_Crispy's Love-In W/OJul 31 '03 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line The Bottom Line loves the thrills of March Madness Simply_Crispy hosts inconsequential write-offs. This fact cannot be denied. I mean, who ever heard of scheduling a Love-In write-off five and a half months after Valentine's Day? It's just muddled thinking, which is what we've come to expect from our drunken ditch-dwelling friend. That being said, at least Chrisp's heart is in the right place. This site, so often a Thunderdome of snark and back-biting, could use an injection of hippie-fied good feelings. In that spirit, I've decided to hold a 32-contestant, single-elimination tournament, much like the one the NCAA holds every March to crown its basketball champion, to decide which Epinionator deserves my love the most. After all, I only have so much to spread around, and don't want to dilute it by doing so. The victor of this tournament will get all my love. Which, along with a quarter, will get you a quarter of a cup of coffee. Deciding who gets a spot in the Big Tournament was a chore in itself. You should have seen the competition in the pre-tournament conference-championships. The Writes Well conference, surprisingly, was hotly-contested. Purple propse flew fast and furious, like a Vin Diesel movie on amphetamines. The Good Friend conference is well-prepared, as it gave all the contenders a chance to bone up on the kind of sincere ass-kissing that will serve them well here. We had some excellent matches in the Entertaining Train Wreck conference. But, alas, very few of its members wound up here at the Big Dance. And the Tosses Around Funny Comments conference certainly had its share of highlight reel-worthy moments. But those teams usually crapped-out when it came to the one skill that virtually guarantees a high seeding here: effective reviews. Anyway, everyone who made it here is already a winner. But there can only be one Big Winner, one Epinionator worthy of all my Love. Remember, the rulings of the judge are final. And, as always, please: no wagering. So, on with the tournament. FIRST ROUND Disinclined vs. Kris-Kochanski Both contenders are also in the running for the title of Eps' "Hott Asian Beauty of 2003. Ms. Kochanski, though exceedingly fabulous, is hampered by her status as a robot. I suspect she can't feel love anyway. Plus, she may or may have not quit the site. It's hard to keep track. Disinsteph, while also mucho fabu, is all human all the time, and still very much here. Winner: Disinclined Atchesonate vs. Munkus Notable for associations with their respected Hott Asian Beauties (see above), these two contenders are fabulous in their own rights. But while Munkus' fabulosity is amplified by the fun I have making simian-puns with his name (eg. "A Million Munkus at a Million Typewriters"), Nate's fabulousiciousness is helped infinitely by his status as a "big gay homosexual gay person" (so says he). Winner: Atchesonate Voxpoptart vs. Chaospump Each contender is blessed with a big brain, an abundance of purple prose, wit that'll make you sick, and an ability to write on just about any subject any time they want. But Voxy has that funky Abe Lincoln beard going for him. When in doubt, the Abe Lincoln beard wins every time. Winner: Voxpoptart Stockholder vs. Weirdo_87 Stockholder is exceedingly old. Weirdo_87 is excessively young. In this case, their ages cancel each other out. Stockholder, though, wins by a man-boob. Winner: Stockholder Beckytcy vs. Sordid-1 Sordid-1 claims to be sordid -- It's even there in his nom d'epinions, for YHWH's sake -- and I'm sure that he is. But I've spent time in the company of Beckytcy. And I live to report that no matter how sordid he claims to be, Sordid-1, by comparison, knows not the first thing about being sordid. Becky could teach him a trick or two (or twelve). Sordidest: Beckytcy Ingysdayoff vs. WilliamJones Bill loves Elvis Costello. Which, under normal circumstances might keep him in the competition even if he never wrote another movie review again (which, at times, seems like a likely threat). But Ingy shares the same given name as me. Which means I get to address comments to him as "Also Mike", or "Mike Part the Second", or "Mike: The Sequel". I bet he doesn't find this as amusing as I do, but that's not really my problem, now, is it? Winner: Ingysdayoff Lemon_Lime vs. Tipu Tipu used to act as sort of a secondary line of defence against my typos. Whenever my SpellChecker missed the fact that I'd written "confidant" when I'd meant to write "confident", a Tipu e-mail would confidently find its way into my inbox the very next morning. Chad_Lime, on the other hand, is actually scared of my words. As well he should be. Winner: Lemon_Lime Marinermoose22 vs. Mr.Eyore Basically this little battle pits a moose against a donkey. Despite my affection for A.A. Milne's woeful creation, and his namesake's doppelwang, I've got to go with the animal most likely found here in the Great White North. Even though I question his loyalty to a certain Puget Sound-based hard-luck baseball team, Moose wins this one by an antler. Winner: Marinermoose22 Millinocket vs. Joe5283 Of all the people who've come and gone during my short tenure here at Epinions, I miss Joe the most. In one month-long period last winter, he proved himself an excellent writer, a friendly fella, and an effective ego-booster (he often called me "M-Stud75", which, for some unknown reason, I rather enjoyed). Thankfully, just as Joe was leaving, I fully discovered everybody's favourite Soccer Momly, SueMillinocket. There'll be much time to sing her praises in the coming rounds, but for now I'll thank her helping along the healing process. Winner: Millinocket Vormancian vs. Waynio Waynio writes periodically from the set of movies he is an extra for. For this valuable insight, I am eternally grateful. Also, his sharp humour and keen sense of what's important make his movie reviews, and his book reviews, most helpful. That being said, Vormancian is my Category Lead and I am contractually obligated to suck up to him. At least in the early rounds of this tournament. Most Sycophantable: Vormancian Trust12345 vs. Nong As of today, Nong has 703 Total visits, but no Reviews written. For this mathematical impossibility alone, Trusty moves on to the next round. No hard feelings, Nonger? Have a Nosekiss to make it all better. Winner: Trust12345 St_Patrick vs. Youngchinq Ah, a couple Canuck homeboys. Patrick's from Vancouver, a city which somehow overcame my recent ripping of it to attract the 2010 Winter Olympics. Youngchinq is from right here in the T-dot. The scary part, that is (yes, it's true; Toronto does have a scary part). And since I was plied, during my idyllic suburban upbringing, with horror stories about everything and anything Jane & Finch, it's probably best that we quietly excise Mr. Chinq from the competition as soon as possible. Winner: St_Patrick Simply_Crispy vs. Hugh_U_Kidden Hugh gets points for being interminably funny, knowledgable about his own dubious family history, and owner of Epinions' most bizarre and hypnotic profile pic. Crispy gets points for introducing me to Hugh. Now if I can only remember who's to blame for introducing me to Simply_Crispy. Crispiest: Simply_Crispy D_Fienberg vs. Mangiotto From my skewed vantage point, these are the two best movie reviewers on the whole damned site. Present company included. Mangiotto gets a deduction, though, for being the writer through whom I found Epinions. After many wasted hours here, I still hold a grudge against him for that (I've never told him any of this; in fact, I've never told him anything! Walter scares me just a little bit… which is what makes him most exciting!). Winner: D_Fienberg JackSommersby vs. Tbthorn Tbthorn was the Advisor who answered all my questions when I was a fresh-faced newbie (eg. "I wanna get paid now!" I know, that's not a question. But Tom managed to answer it anyway). You'd think he'd have this battle all sewn up because of that, right? Well, you'd be wrong. The deciding factor here is which writer is more sex-obsessed. And since I've never met a writer (or another human being, for that matter) as sex-obsessed as Mr. Sommersby, he gets the nod. Plus, I owe him one, after innocently letting a Jack secret loose over several dozen comment sections. Sexiest: JackSommersby Food_Critic vs. Panguitch Utah-based Panguitch is a thoughtful, intelligent, and Conan-obsessed writer, worthy of your love. But Foody scares me. Not wanting to risk upsetting his rather fragile persona, I'll let him slip through to the next round, hopefully without incident. Freakiest: Food_Critic ROUND 2: THE SWEET SIXTEEN Disinclined vs. Atchesonate Nate often claims that he looks like Bob Hoskins. Which is fine. But wrong. He actually looks like the love child of Eddie Izzard and The Prodigy's Keith Flint. Disinclined never claimed to look like Bob Hoskins. And even though she did incorrectly claim to look "unphotogenic" and "simian", since she actually looks "quite lovely" we'll let her slip past her best friend and into the next round. Nevada-est: Disinclined Voxpoptart vs. Stockholder This one is shaping up to be a battle between Voxy's beard and Stocky's man-boobs. On that count, it's probably a tie. Voxy gets to go on, though, for a rather inconsequential reason: merit. The guy can write the heck out of any review he lays his pen on. Stocky can write, too. He's just fallen behind on quantity. Winner: Voxpoptart Beckytcy vs. Ingysdayoff I think these two barely missed each other at the big New York War Protest, which happened just before the U.S. invaded Iraq. For their noble efforts towards creating a peaceful Earth on which my future children can grow up safely (from physical, if not psychological, harm), I offer my most heartfelt gratitude. Becky goes on because she actually got me, as apathetic a Canadian as can be grown up here, to go to a War Protest! I never thought I'd see that day. Peacenikiest: Beckytcy Lemon_Lime vs. Marinermoose22 Here's an easy one: who is my favourite Epinioning Seattlite? Moose is a diehard Mariners fan (eg. His user name). I can't say for sure if Lime has even heard of the Mariners, which, being a Blue Jays fan myself, is a point in his favour. Seattlest: Lemon_Lime Millinocket vs. Vormancian A quick glane through the Mfunk75 Love-In Tournament by-laws, section 4, subsection 6, paragraph (b), reveals that "in the event of a tie in all other areas, the contender with the least amount of knowledge on the collected oeuvres of Frank Capra, Douglas Sirk, and Amanda Bynes shall advance to the next round. Also, the contender who loses said match-up shall grant Mfunk75 permanent Top Reviewer and Advisor status, no matter how many reviews he writes or rates in the space of a given month." I think the rules are pretty clear, here. Winner: Millinocket Trust12345 vs. St_Patrick While Patrick is a countryman, Trusty might in fact be my son. Or my big brother. Or, quite possibly, he is my mother. My (our?) e-family tree has gotten quite confusing, lo these past couple of months. And when things get confusing, I just picture Trusty on his unicycle, and everything comes into focus. Stoniest: Trust12345 Simply_Crispy vs. D_Fienberg Simply_Crispy and D_Fienberg are both great movie reviewers. And both like to tease us all by periodically disappearing from the site. Sometimes for as short as a week. Sometimes, and these are dark times indeed, for many months. I wonder what they are doing on their expeditions away from Epinions-land. And I long for them to come back soon. Since Chrisp is the one whose sojourns are shorter in length, Chrisp is the one who shall advance to the next round. Winner: Simply_Crispy JackSommersby vs. Food_Critic Here are a couple of brothers-in-arms, both dedicated to the annhialation of Simply_Crispy. A more noble pursuit I cannot think of. Foody wields a more surreal weapon, lashing out at Chrispy with oddball bombs and eccentric grenades, the better to confuse our Irish friend, and get him off his game. But it's Sommersby who wields the big blaster. Jack relentlessly pummels Chrisp where he's most vulnerable: his now-infamous 4-star review of "Red Dragon". Jack is a relentless mofo in this regard; in recent months, his "Dragon" attacks have almost outnumbered his references to sex (which is indeed saying something). Winner: JackSommersby ROUND 3: THE ELITE EIGHT Disinclined vs. Voxpoptart Everybody who reads him loves Voxy's words. The man gets more MH's than a Micronesian Internet Service Provider (I know, that's a long -- and nearly incomprehensible -- way to go for a joke, but we're a long way into this write-up, and the jokes are getting harder and harder to come by). But Dis has proven herself a most noble warrior recently, after the notorious l'Affaire de Ludlow. And since I love a good lesbian-assed terrorist, Dis advances to the next round. Lesbian-assed terroristiest: Disinclined Beckytcy vs. Lemon_Lime This one comes down to a battle between the stripper and the strippee. The rule of thumb then, in determining a winner, is always go with the contestant not sporting a shoe on his bum. Winner: Beckytcy Millinocket vs. Trust12345 In some parallel universe, across some unknown dimension, in a galaxy far, far away, these two are married to each other. In our world, one is a Mary Pickford-watching piano-playing New Yawker. The other is a soccer-momming sarcasm-shooting Wiscahnsinite. Deciding a winner, then, will be a tough task. But I think I've come up with a solution. John is an avid unicyclist. That's one wheel for him. Sue just got done hooting and hollering through the Tour de Lance. Thus, she gets two wheels. Two wheels beats one wheel any day of the week. Wheeliest: Millinocket Simply_Crispy vs. JackSommersby A lot of people have been waiting a long time for this grudge match. Most notably, the participants themselves. Jack's constant torturing of Crispy, though getting a bit stale as of late, has yet to crack the armour of our across-the-pond friend. His repeated insistance that Chrisp should just buckle down and sleep with the next dumb bimbo he sees doesn't sit well with this judge, who thinks that women are perfect creatures sent down from heaven, with souls and intellects and personalities that run much deeper than their bra sizes. The final straw, though, is this little nugget: Crispy, as far as I know, is free of any and all sexually transmitted diseases. I'm just saying, you know? Winner: Simply_Crispy ROUND 4: THE FINAL FOUR Disinclined vs. Beckytcy This is a tough one. In one corner, the Sovereign of Snark, the Baroness of Book Reviewing, the Queen of Cookbooks, Ms. Disinclined. In the other corner, the shortest, fiercest, brodgiest Bostonite this side of No-mah, Ms. Beckytcy. The tale of the tape has them about even. Vegas oddsmakers can't decide on a favourite. And the coin I just flipped landed on its edge. What to do? I think I'll play it safe. Groucho Marx once said, "I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." So, since Becky made the dubious decision to come visit me a couple of months back, that's got to be a point against her. And thus we have a winner by a goyisha nose. Winner: Disinclined Millinocket vs. Simply_Crispy Today (July 31st) is Crispy's birthday. Since I didn't get to give him the traditional birthday paddy-wacks (he's too damned far away, dontcha know?), I figured bouncing him prematurely from the tournament was the next big thing. And yes, I know, Millinocket's own birthday was just yesterday (July 30th). So why doesn't she get the same treatment, I hear you asking? Well, did you really think I was going to let a dude (especially a dude like this, so prone to hosting such ass-kissing inconsequential write/offs) into the final round of his own Love-In tournament? You must be nuts if you did. Winner: Millinocket THE CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL Disinclined vs. Millinocket So it comes down to this. And a grander Championship Final I could not have hoped for. Boy is this going to be a hard one to decide. Both lovely ladies are worth all the (sincere) praise I can toss their way. Each has, in her own way, made my daily trips through our various comment sections trips I look forward to. And each, again in her own way, has further enhanced her reputation as a downright cool chick via our private e-mail conversations. Asking me to pick which I e-love more is like asking Sophie to make her Choice. Only I don't have the option of choosing a son, here. What to do? In the end, I must use logic and reason to determine the winner. So… since Epinions is a giant experiment in the art of solipsism, and since self-love is obviously the best kind of love, there can only be one winner. Winner: Mfunk75 I think everyone should be satisfied with that choice. After all, that contender is obviously most-deserving of my love. As for the rest of you? Well, since you're all cool cats, and since you've all made my tenure here at Eps a sometimes fun and sometimes frustrating experience (much like real love, no?), here's a big sloppy kiss for you all: *SMOOCH* Now run along, before I start bawling.  |
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