Franz : Kafka :: Lorna : _____Jul 27 '03 (Updated Aug 01 '03) Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Note: If the connection of Franz Kafka to this whole mess isn't clear by the end, feel free to drop me an e-mail. NOTE: This piece has become Part 6 if a whole series of stuff about Dune (aside from this, I mean the films). The whole series consists of: 1.Ed Grover’s fine review of the SF Channel Dune (Done With Dune" http://www.epinions.com/content_107094380164 2.My lengthy comment on the above http://www.epinions.com/content_107094380164/show_~allcom 3. A review of the 1984 David Lynch film: http://www.epinions.com/content_107470360196#ow 4. A review of the recent SF Channel Dune miniseries http://www.epinions.com/content_107537141380 5.A review of the more recent SF Channel Children of Dune miniseries (upcoming). 6.This bit of fluff 7. The newly revealed alternate ending to "Dune" http://www.epinions.com/content_3427901572 FRANZ : KAFKA :: LORNA : _____ ©2003 R. C. Walker 1 Know thou, O man, that although thou art as a god to the worm, thou art as a worm to God. Now try to wiggle out of that one. ...The Beige Baptist Bible: The Wit & Wisdom of Chinggiz-Khan, 3:14 Ledodo II, God-Emperor of the Universe (or at least as much of it as his legions could conquer) lay on his bed in his palace at Aradull on the planet Adraggis, also known as Doone. He contemplated the vast design he had conceived to change the very fabric of human existence. “Muslin,” he thought; “yes, plain, simple muslin. Get rid of the damn silk.” It was a vast plan, all right. Images of alternate futures flitted through his feverish brain, full of fantastic and fitful alliteration. He knew that the Change he had set in motion was coming upon him. His skin crawled. “Down, skin,” he said, slapping at the crawlier portions of it. It was dangerous; he knew it was dangerous. Never before had anyone attempted a genetic mix with the great Worms of Adraggis, the Shy-Huuuthud. They were magnificent, those shy worms! He could see them in the eye of his spiced-up, omniprescient mind. He could see them: shyly waiting beneath the desert’s surface for night to fall, then raising their enormous bulks from the blowing sands, bellowing their shy cries, “Huuuuuuuuuuuuu!!”, and then falling back to the sand … thud! Ledodo felt more and more compelled to dip in the sand, He looked over to his giant indoor piano-shaped swimming pool – a reconstructed artifact from ancient Adraggis ruins. It was filled with golden, shimmering, inviting sand – thousands upon thousands of buckets of it. The pool had been arduously filled by his faithful Frauen, the people of the desert, the dwellers of the deitches, led by his faithful follower Stengun. The sand called to him. It called to him to swim in its gritty depths. It called to him to tunnel through it and to rise above it screaming “Huuuuuuuuuuuu...”. But mostly the sand called to him to go potty. 2. Rats! Jacuzzica did it again. First we tell her to have a girl, and she has a boy. Then we tell her to have another boy and now she has a girl. What sort of control does that witch have over her ovaries, anyway? I feel like spitting in her face every time I see her. ...from the Diary of Reverend Mommydearest Caligula Helena Mohair, 12 Spamuary 116,777 AOPDQ. With subtle, discerning glances, the aged Reverend Mommydearest Caligula Helena Mohair surveyed the Imperial Throneroom. Her eyes flicked here and there, almost indiscernibly beneath secretive lids, cataloguing, analyzing, anything to keep awake. Even though it was 2 in the morning, the hall was becoming crowded as the news spread that the God-Emperor’s expected Transformation was approaching. All sorts of people were arriving, a sort of microcosm of the Galactic Empire. Guards and soldiers were everywhere, many of them grizzled veterans of the God-Emperor’s numerous jihads and other fits of pique. There were representatives of most of the noble houses of the Empire in their many distinctive costumes – members of the Spaced-Out Guild in their gillbags and spicebreathers – Frauen of the Adraggis deserts in their swillsuits. The Reverend Mommydearest contemplated the swillsuits with disgust, noting how they resembled partly an ancient surfer’s wetsuit and partly an old shower curtain, equipped with trendy sunglasses and half a mile of I-V tubing. She also noticed several other members of her own ordder, the Bunne Jehosephat, in their habits and other customary things. There were even a few of the empire’s hated renegade scientists, the Exlaxu … the filthy Exlaxu, she corrected herself. It was part of her Order’s discipline always to call things by their right names. Eventually Ledodo’s grandmother, the Lady Jacuzzica, came into the hall. Mohair spotted her immediately. Time for an Appropriate Gesture, she thought. She swept up to her former protégé grandly, flinging her arms open. “Jacuzzica, daaaaaarling,” she said, using the Voice of Smarmy Genuflection, “you look maaahvelous.” “Oh, Reverend Mommydearest, dearrrressst,” Jacuzzica replied, using the Voice of Inferior Origins But Superior Station in Life, and embracing the Mistress of her former Order. It seemed best to converse in the subtle and suggestive gestures and expressions of the Bunne Jehosephat. Mohair arched a right eyebrow just so. It’s about to happen! Jacuzzica gave a slight smile and crooked her right pinkie at an angle of 26 ˝ degrees. Everybody who’s anybody is coming in for the Big Event. Mohair fingered a white forelock, pinched her nostrils, and daintily scratched the wart on the end of her nose. Perhaps now is the time to strike. Jacuzzica clicked her teeth twice, displayed a rhythmic twitch in her left cheek, pulled her right earlobe, and flared her nostrils by 40%. It may be difficult. Remember, MacBeth Oregon will defend Ledodo to the death. Mohair sighed, crossed her eyes, inserted her left pinkie into her right nostril, wiggled her ears, and hopped twice. Yes. 3. Dost thou seek to know what hath Passed? Know thou that those Things that have Passed Away are Past, and they have Passed past being Worth Remembering; yea, the Past hath passed into the Passé. ...The True Blue Baha'i Bible: Cap’n Billy’s Whiz-Bang, 5:11 The stress of the impending Change made Ledodo’s head and stomach reel. He tried to avoid thinking about his nausea by thinking about something else, but his thoughts were becoming as scrambled as his DNA. He saw visions of his father, Phil Euripides, whom the Frauen had named Daub’mud, the Fruit-bat. Daub’mud’s hollow eyes were filling with tears – nearly drowning the titmouse that had built a nest in the left one. Ledodo’s father disappeared, waving bye-bye in the wrong direction, and was replaced by a vision of Daub’mud’s great sister, St. Ollie of the Carving-Knife. She appeared as her most popular icon showed her, chasing a trio of mice in dark glasses. Her body was swathed in black leather strips. In addition to her carving knife, she carried the black bullwhip that made her the terror (and secret wonder) of the ancient Bunne Jehosephat. The vision-image of Ollie suddenly stopped chasing sightless rodents and screamed soundlessly with big eyes, eyes that spoke clearly of her possession by the familial familiar spirit of Uncle Vladimir Hardkoren, the wonderfully kinky ex-Baron of Giedi Up. Brandishing her knife, Ollie reached out with clawed hand toward her innocent twin sisters, Quqlah and Fraan, and ... Wait a minute! Ollie didn’t have any twin sisters. What was this vision? Was it an alternate past, the might-have-been? Or was it a would-have-been as seen from the possibly-was? Or was it a would-have-become-might-be-now-for-something-completely-different on the is-then-but-not-now-I-have-a-headache plane? Or an as-yet-unrealized-but-would-have-been-except-for-what-actually-was? Or... Ledodo decided it was simpler just to throw up. 4. That was no lady, that was my hairdresser. He always walks like that. ...Harq al-Arqq: The Barber of Aradull (Act III Scene 1) MacBeth Oregon strode toward the Throneroom, intending to await the appearance of the Transformed Ledodo II. He hadn’t yet had his former memories revived, so he had yet to feel that he was really MacBeth Oregon. He knew only that he was a clone of the long-dead Oregon, made by the Exlaxu. (Filthy Exlaxu, his programming prompted.) For reasons he didn’t fully comprehend, Oregon preferred to be known a Tamurlane Adolf Hussein. Even without a full restoration of his latent memories, he felt fanatical loyalty to the House of Euripides, and to its latest flowering, the God-Emperor. He had passed Ledodo’s complex psychiatric and knee-jerk tests. He could feel the tears in his eyes that came at the very mention of how loyal he was to … to whatever it was that was going to appear on the Throne later that day. Oregon (still thinking of himself as more Tamurlane Adolf than MacBeth) walked up to the security guards. He decided to test them with the daily password. He reached down and tugged at the nearest guard’s silk uniform pantaloons. The leg in it was very shapely, if unshaved, but he tried to keep his mind on his job. Tugging the fabric, he gave the sign. “Euripides?” The guards snapped out the countersign in unison. “Yes, Sir! Eumenides?” They were a little too plump and wore too much make-up for Oregon’s taste, but they were still awfully tempting. He made a mental note to try to talk the God-Emperor into removing women from the Guard Corps and reassign them as his own personal shock troops. He knew that Ledodo advertised himself as an equal-opportunity Emperor, but some concessions needed to be made to practicality. Women in the Corps were too much a distraction -- deitch orgies in the Throneroom were bad enough as it was. Smiling with satisfaction at the positive results of his security check, Oregon continued past the guards. He reached behind his right side to deal with a slight itch in the small of his back. Little did he know that he was detoggling a switch undetectably installed by the filthy Exlaxu in his lower back. Only they knew that the right sorts of psychological signals would trigger an itch to deactivate that switch – an action that would turn off MacBeth Oregon’s unwavering loyalty to House Euripides. 5. That which seemeth to be real is but an illusion; that which seemeth to be an illusion is likewise an illusion. That which seemeth to be sort of in between might mayhap be real, but who knoweth? Therefore, they who abandoneth the Gold Standard be none too bright. Watch thou thy pennies, and thy sheep’s clothing will save nine. ...The Off-White Decorator Bible: Maharishi Hare Hare 5:10 Ledodo flexed his fingers to see if he still had hands. Vermiform creatures, he thought, do not have hands. However, I still seem to have a pair of them. At least a pair. Yes, and feet full of toes, also. This is a most strange blending of Man and Shy-Huuuthud. What, do I suppose, am I becoming? Whatever it was, Ledodo supposed that it would not be becoming at all. He arose and went around the room smashing mirrors with his diamond-knobby scepter, being careful not to look at them. He squeezed into the bathroom (yes, he was certainly getting bigger; that he expected) and took a heavy snort of spice. Just before he smashed the bathroom mirror, an inadvertent look revealed that his eyes looked unnaturally large and glittery. There were bumps sprouting on his forehead, but he had no idea what they might be. Not giant pimples,, he thought; dear St.Ollie, not giant pimples! After a bit, Ledodo began to feel peckish. He got a box of cheese crackers out of the Imperial pantry and munched them incompletely, scattering the remaining bits, crumbs, and box fragments on the floor carelessly, intending to munch them up later. He felt very strange. Looking up, he thought the ceiling looked more inviting than the pool of sand. Safer, too. Safer from what? 6. My father, the Pattiqayk Emperor, impressed upon us the wisdom of his wise sayings. He obtained these, he said, by profound and uninterrupted meditation in the morning, although sometimes in the evening, and several times a day when he had the flu or ate beans. He was fondest of one mantra he often chanted on those occasions: "No job is ever done until the paperwork is finished.” ...The Princess Irma Palomino: In My Father’s Outhouse, Trantor [oops…no…] Salacius Nova, 117,162 AOPDQ (p.1394) The Reverend Mommydearest Galigula Helena Mohair was still high-signing the Lady Jacuzzica when the ex-Emperor arrived. Shazzam MCCCXXXVIII , or MDCCCXXXIX, or maybe MMCCXXVII, usually known as Shaddam the Umpteenth, was accompanied by his daughter, the once-beautiful Princess Irma. Caligula Helena peered closely at the man who once ruled the Universe (more or less) before he had been deposed by Phil Euripides. “It’s amazing,” she observed soto voce, how much he looks like Jose Ferrar.” Jacuzzica nodded knowingly and whispered, “Who’s Jose Ferrar?” The Reverend Mommydearest laughed. “Who was Jose Ferrar – that is what you mean, my child.” She used the Voice of Ha-Ha-Ha-I-Know-Something-You-Don’t. He was a famous actor, long ago, on ancient Earth. My ancestral memories have several impressions of him, although mostly with a ridiculously long nose.” “Ah, Earth, the planet of our origin. Earth,” Jacuzzica mused, “O, lost Earth. I wonder if that world still exists?” Caligula Helena laughed again, using the Voice of Haha-haHAha. “Haha-haHAha! It does exist, my dear, but only a few very high members of the Bunne Jehosephat and the Spaced-Out Guild know its location. We of the Bunne Jehosephat, of course, remember the Earth as it once was, in our ancestral memories. Why, we can remember times so ancient that people were still using a primitive fuel called oyle for their ornithopters and such things.” By this time old Shazzam had spotted them and ambled over, the once-beautiful Princess Irma in tow. “Well, here I am,” he said grouchily; “rousted out of a good night’s sleep and dragged over here – not only my poor self but also my unfortunate once-beautiful daughter.” Caligula Helena shook her head scornfully. “Who’s going to believe that ‘once-beautiful’ bit, Shazzam?” she said, using the Voice of Unctuous Reproof. “Certainly not me. I’ve known you and your family too well. Even at her best, Irma looked like a badly-dried prune during molting season. Stop complaining. You knew ages ago you were going to be brought in to witness the latest Euripides spectacle when it happened.” “Oh, of course. They need me to add legitimacy to the whole farce. I am the real Emperor, you know.” “You may be the real Emperor, Shazzam, but the genuine question is whether you are a real Emperor.” Caligula Helena had switched to the Voice of Smirky Condescension. “Don’t get fresh with me, witch. I’m the true heir of House Palomino, and you know it.” Helena Caligula staggered back slightly. The ex-Emperor knew a bit about Voice, too; he had used the Voice of Nasty Slam-Dunk Retort. After a slight pause, she replied in the same Voice, “Yes, but it gives me no great pleasure to contemplate it.” Finally Irma spoke up. “Why are we bickering like this? Surely our one true aim is to unseat this usurper." The Reverend Mommydearest nodded. “Good point, child. The Lady Jacuzzica and I were just discussing that delicate point. This may be our last chance.” She produced a nasty-looking needle, dripping with a subtle but inevitable venom, from the folds of her habit. “I have my trusty mah-jongger with me.” The Pattiqayk Emperor smiled with sharpened teeth. “I believe there will be no need. I’ve received a very interesting communication from the Exlaxu…” “The filthy Exlaxu,” Caligula Helena corrected. “Oh … yes … the filthy Exlaxu have informed me about their latest MacBeth Oregon clone.” Caligula Helena’s mouth dropped. “You mean... ?” “I mean, you may as well get used to addressing me as ‘Your Majesty’ again,” Shazzam replied, putting a discreet distance between himself and the old Bunne Jehosephat’s nasty needle. 7. Empire’s a bi_tch. ...The Brown With Little Orange Flecks and a Gold Border Mail-Order Bible: II Fortune Cookie 39:16 Ledodo knew: it was almost Time. He scuttled about his quarters, munching cheese cracker crumbs, fouling the sand in the pool, and making peculiar trails on the ceiling. That last was the most difficult part, considering that he now weighed a couple of tons. It’s funny, he thought, what peculiar results you get when you combine the DNA of an animal with limbs and that of an animal with no limbs. Obviously Shy Huuuthud’s ancestors had legs. Perhaps I’ve reverted to type. Well, it amuses me to present them with a new form of their God-Emperor. That’ll teach ‘em a lesson they’ll never forget. I bet I’ll give even MacBeth Oregon second thoughts. It was difficult to say any words at all, now. However, he managed to squawk a few intelligible commands into the intercom with his security forces. Munching a wad of yesterday’s tasty garbage, he set off for the Throneroom. 8. The economy of Adraggis may best be summed up in a single succinct, significant word: “Zilch”. This world has been totally worked over by somebody who must really hate planets. ...Report of Maynot Keynes, Planetary Ecologist, 116,397 AOPDQ Dozens of deadly Frauen guards ran into the Throneroom. Trumpets blared. Cymbals crashed. Dancing girls did a quick bit. Obviously it was time for the Imperial Appearance. The conspirators awaited the Event anxiously. MacBeth Oregon, his loyalty now definitely turned off, tested the temper of his deadly blade, and prepared to inch as close to the Throne as he could. Then there were sounds of bumpings and thrashings, as if something preternaturally huge was in the outside hall. Oregon tossed his blade and pulled out a Buck Rogers Special Proton Blaster, something the filthy Exlaxu had made especially for him from ancient design drawings. Suddenly the God-Emperor leaped upon the Throne, squashing it flat. He squatted there on his 6 gigantic legs, addressing the assembled throng in a few barely intelligible words and a lot of clicking and chittering. There was a collective gasp from the audience: Ledodo II was now a 2-ton cockroach! MacBeth Oregon’s reaction was speedy. With his first proton blast, he got Ledodo’s mandibles and antennae. Then he finished off the eyes, and with his third blast took out the entire head. The vast cockroach-trunk collapsed off the Throne dais and landed abdomen-up, its legs twitching. At least, they came as close to twitching as anything of that bulk could come. Ledodo II had become Ledodo the Last. Shazzam the Umpteenth wasted no time. Taking out a whistle, he blew a shrill blast. Almost instantly hundreds of his elite shock troops, the Sweetnsourdduckar, swarmed into the hall, disarming the stunned Frauen. Most of those assembled were quick enough on the uptake to start shouting, “Long live Emperor Shazzam!” The Pattiqayk Emperor’s smile had more teeth than ever. The old Reverend Mommydearest was livid. Quickly she raised her deadly mah-jongger and rushed toward Shazzam, screaming like a Valkyrie. Almost at the last moment, she was tripped by a well-placed foot of the once-beautiful Princess Irma. Caligula Helena found herself on the floor with the mah-jongger sticking into her forehead. “Well, that tears it,” she said as she pulled the needle out and flung it bouncing along the floor. Pityingly, the Lady Jacuzzica went to her former mentor, whom she had so long hated and yet respected and even envied. “Oh, Reverend Mommydearest, how tragic that your inner voices will be stilled.” “Hmph!” the crusty old Bunne Jehosephat exclaimed. “There’s plenty more where I came from, as that bloodthirsty sad-sack is going to find out, you bet.” She was failing fast. Haltingly, she got to her feet and led Lady Jacuzzica to the balcony at one side of the Throneroom. She threw open the doors. “You wanted to know where the ancient planet Earth was, child?” She gestured toward the endless desert outside. “There. That is the Earth, which some men now call Adraggis, while others name it Doone. Gasp! Agh! Aargh!” With a last effort, she threw herself over the balcony, 50 stories up, and was gone. Sadly the Lady Jacuzzica walked back into the Throneroom. She was just in time to hear the once-beautiful Princess Irma say to her father, “Now, Daddy? Now can I have a face-lift?” ###  |
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