Seven Days: A Ring Story: "How Absurd!" Ending
Aug 01 '03
The Bottom Line Things are looking grim for the gang, when Weird Al comes in for the rescue! Yes, it's that kind of ending.
Zebu Black stood still on the cave ground. He had minutes left before his deadline, and he was the only strand keeping the sorcerer online. His ex-companions, Schleppy, Mai, Lani, and Chris kept him from freeing Masami and Kaoru, which would clear the way for the sorcerer. Sadako and Samara smirked. He had only a few minutes left- this time; they wanted to play by the rules.
Sadako looked at her wristwatch. “Well, it’s about time to go now,” she said jovially. “I’ll see you in a few.”
She vanished, and for a few moments, Zebu could not see her. He began to choke- the virus was beginning its slow destruction of him. She would only finish it off earlier.
Then she appeared in a small pool of water about three feet in front of him. The zombies moved behind him, so he could watch the show.
Sadako clambered out of the pool of water- not quite as incredible as crawling out of a television set- and started crawling around.
“Oh, come on!” said Samara. “He’s three feet in front of you, go for it!”
“I would,” she said, fuming. “But I can’t see a thing with this d*mn hair in front of my eyes!” She finally righted herself up, and began to lift up her head.
Suddenly, there was a crash outside. Sadako was distracted. “What the h*ll is that?” she shouted.
Samara leaned out of the cave. “It looks like Alanis Morrisette wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a giant tribble,” she said, perplexed.
Suddenly, “Alanis” leaped out from the rocks, and the “tribble” followed.
Zebu stopped choking long enough to let out a raspy laugh and force out: “W-Weird Al?”
Vegetable-Schleppy blinked.
“Hey there,” said Al. “It’s a long story, so sit back, SHUT UP, and let Harvey do his thing!”
The giant hamster stood up, and some sort of invisible speaker started blaring out: “Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster.”
While Sadako stared at the hamster, too befuddled to give it the evil eye, Al ran over to Kaoru and Masami and unbound them. They ran off, as the song reached its climax.
“…The Wonder Hamster! Hey, Harvey!” Al, Masami, Kaoru, and Harvey jumped out of the cave.
An explosion rocked the cave, bringing Sadako, Samara, and En back to awareness. Sadako looked at the sorcerer, and uttered a word that Epinions would not like me for typing here.
Another lightning bolt ran through the hole in the roof, hitting En directly in the head. A brilliant light began shining from behind its scales. A final bolt hit it, and En of Odzunu was no more.
Al and the others peaked into the cave. “The smoke cleared yet?” He asked. Zebu coughed a little, and then laughed. The dust was so thick; he could not even see Al. He heard some moaning from behind him- the others were waking up.
“Hey Zeb,” said Chris, laughing. “Did you do it, kid?”
Zebu nodded, then realized Chris could not see him. “Yes,” he said.
“All right, Zebu!” said Schleppy, barely visible through the clearing dust. “You did it all by yourself, then?”
“Well, I did have a little help,” he said. “Actually, I only stayed alive. It’s all thanks to Al here you’re all back.”
“Al?” asked Schleppy. “Al who?”
“Yankovic,” said Al calmly.
Schleppy could not even force out words. Well, he could, but they were barely understandable. Mai slapped him. “Get a hold of yourself, Schleppy! Look.”
Schleppy turned around- there, in front of him, was Koji Suzuki and Ryuji Takayama. “Great job, guys,” said Ryuji, giving Schleppy a “high five.”
Behind them, there was a white lump. Zebu walked over to it, and turned it over. “Jesus Christ!” he shouted. It was Sadako- except; this one was asleep and very beautiful.
“Alright,” said Lani. “I was the first to die. So I demand to know what the h*ll happened.”
Suzuki laughed. “I’m not sure I know it all, and I wrote the book!” He looked at everybody. “Alright you all sit down now.” They did. “Well, where to beg…” he stopped. Al’s leg was resting behind his head.
“Don’t mind me. Just go on.”
“Alright… Well, first, I think that I should explain why you kids are all back. When the Sorcerer destroyed En, he not only obliterated its body, but its soul as well. This unfortunately means that Miya is with us no more. However, with En’s soul, all those who were directly controlled by it were destroyed. This means that Samara is gone, and so is half of Sadako.”
“What do you mean,” Zebu interrupted, “half?”
“Well, Samara’s mother was infertile. It was only because of Dr. Nagao that Samara was born. But Sadako was half natural.”
“Dr. Nagao…” said Schleppy. “Wasn’t that the guy who raped and killed Sadako?”
“Yes,” said Suzuki. “Soon after Sadako died, around the well, birth rates amongst local mammals were flooded. There must have been, by the time at which the Sorcerer succeeded, millions of lower mammal Sadakos. Luckily, their powers can only kill others of their kind, so they presented no threat to us. They are all dead now. However, it was found that only the mice that ate from plants right around the well were so reproductive. Nagao used these plants, thinking it would help Anna Morgan. It was only long afterward, when Ryuji and Asakawa talked to him, that he realized the result of his actions. He hung himself.
“Sadako’s biological parents, on the other hand, were perfectly fertile. It was En’s seed that needed the boost, since it had been about seven centuries since it had died. The result: Sadako was half natural child, and half hermaphroditic midget killer. Let it sink in for a second. At some point after Shizuko killed herself, she split into two. However, one of them died, and their spirits merged, back into one. Only a few months later, she was raped and killed.
“Since she was half organic-grown woman, that half survived when En was destroyed. Because his soul was destroyed, all results of it after his death have been reversed. Sadako’s good half is alive, and a few months younger; Samara is dead, and all those who the two of them killed are alive. Are you all with me?”
They nodded.
“Now, I’m going to need some explanations,” he said. “First you, Al. What the heck happened back there?”
“Well, like I said, it’s a long story. You see, I did a concert in Texas, and afterward a bunch of people got autographs and got to ask questions. One of them was a Mr. Lopez. He told me one of my most hardcore fans, Schleppy, was in it deep. Therefore, being the philanthropic soul that I am, I flew to Japan and started stalking you. I followed all your leads, thinking I would catch up. However, you were all dead or in Ringworld by the time I did. So I picked up Suzuki’s spell book, and looked through it for something that could help. First, I got a magic goldfish bowl through which I could see your actions. I made my preparations- I made my hamster temporarily gigantic and gave him dancing capabilities. Then when you got back into our world, we got over here as fast as we could. Got here just in time.” He sat back, pleased with himself.
Schleppy could not believe that his favorite celebrity had done all this ultimately because of him.
“Wait a second,” he said. “If the curse is over, than what’s HE doing here?” Behind Al was the man with the towel-covered head.
“Get him!” shouted Ryuji. The towel-headed man tried to make his escape, but Harvey the Wonder Hamster pile-drove him.
“Good job, Harvey!” said Al and Schleppy.
“But who is it?” asked Lani.
“It must be Lindsey, the Baggage Clerk lady!” said Chris.
“Nah, can’t be,” said Mai. “This guy has no breasts. I always thought it was Ryuji, but that can’t be.”
“Maybe it’s Toyama!” shouted out Zebu.
“Well, he was in this world the whole time, he had no way to get to the cave so fast when we appeared. It would have to be somebody who was in Oshima before us,” said Schleppy.
“Maybe it’s Prince,” said Al. Schleppy sniggered, but everybody else was silent.
“Nah, too tall,” said Suzuki, “There’s only one way to really find out.” He tugged off the towel, and everybody gasped. “Matt the Hermaphroditic Delivery Boy from Day 0!”
“And I would’ve gotten away with it too,” said Matt. “If it weren’t for you kids and that darn hamster!”
Harvey chirped, but Ryuji was confused. “Gotten away with what?”
“Getting my pizza money, idiots!” It grabbed Chris’s wallet and took fifteen dollars. “What, no tip?” it asked itself, as it jumped into the ocean outside.
“Well, that’s explanation enough for me,” said Lani, smiling. “Let’s go home.” She left with Chris. Mai and Schleppy followed, then Suzuki and Ryuji. Zebu glanced at Sadako, who was now waking up.
“W-What just happened?” she asked.
Zebu smiled. She was very beautiful. “It’s a long story. Too bad you just slept through it.” He helped her up. “Come on. You’re just a few miles from home right now.” They left the cave, holding hands.
“Ah, first love,” said Al dreamily. “Well, second with Sadako there. Hey, that reminds me! I have to get back to Suzanne and our Nina! Let’s go, Harvey!” He got on top of Harvey, just as the hamster started floating into the air. They flew off into the sunrise.
“It’s burning my eyes!” screamed Al, as he disappeared over the horizon.
THE END
Transvamp played.......Mai, Suzuki, Masami, Kaoru, The Vegetable Rapist, Lindsey the Bag Lady, and Tomoko
Schleppy played........Schleppy, Ryuji, Noah, Sadako, and Samara
The Zebu played.......Zebu Black
I Am Samara played........Lani
Ghostring played.......Chris
ChaosVirus666God played.......Miya and En no Odzunu
Toru xxx played.......Matt the Hermaphroditic Delivery Boy
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