Dune considered, Part 7: The alternate alternative ending -- and it's different, too.
Aug 01 '03
The Bottom Line How could you expect a complicated production like Dune not to have alternate stuff? If a beginning is a delicate time, tying everything up is a doozy.
Welcome to Part 7 of a 6-part series of articles and whatnot concerning “Dune”. The parts are:
1. Ed Grover’s fine review of the SF Channel Dune (Done With Dune") http://www.epinions.com/content_107094380164
2. My lengthy comment on the above
http://www.epinions.com/content_107094380164/show_~allcom
3.. A review of the 1984 David Lynch film:
http://www.epinions.com/content_107470360196#ow
4. A review of the recent SF Channel Dune miniseries
http://www.epinions.com/content_107537141380
5. A review of the more recent SF Channel Children of Dune
miniseries (upcoming).
6. A parody, "Franz : Kafka :: Lorna : _____ :
http://www.epinions.com/content_3418595460
7. This important and entirely true segment. Really. Honest to Shai Hulud. Cross my heart and hope to … (excuse me; I’m going to sneeze) … … … … (well, I guess I’m not).
THE LONG-LOST ALTERNATE ENDING TO "DUNE"
©2003 Rod Walker
While it’s relatively well-known that a different (also well-known) director was originally offered the “Dune” project, it’s not well-known that he actually started work temporarily and did some filming. One scene he certainly did was the final confrontation of the surviving main characters at the Arakink palace. It’s clear from who they are that he intended some major tinkering with the plot. It should perhaps have been expected that mousy Dr. Yueh has been replaced by a big, hairy physician, Dr. Chewie. And then when the Baron says to Phil, … well, we’re getting ahead of
ourselves, aren’t we?
Anyway, I haven’t actually seen this alternate scene. I only pass on what I’ve been told by a reliable …well, fairly relia… well, sometimes sort of flaky … well, actually, he says he saw a print of this in Area 51. So, for what it’s worth, the alternate final scene from “Dune”.
In full orchestra, the “Fate” theme plays. DUUUNEduneDUNEduuuuune – and fades into meandering tootles for kazoo and steel guitar ….
Emperor Shazzam the Umpteenth and his daughter, the beautiful-but-not-so-beautiful-as-she-once-was Princess Irma stand by the throne of Arakink palace, impatiently awaiting the arrival of Phil Daub’mud and his entourage of the dread Frauen fighters. “You may have won the battle, Phil Euripides,” he thinks as he twirls his pearl-handled mustache, “but I shall yet win the war.”
Surrounding the Imperial pair are members of the Imperial Court, hangers-on, clingers-on, holders-on, grabbers-on, and various other sycophants, yes-men, no-men (the Emperor knew what he wanted), and dancing girls (see?). Many of his allies are there as well, particularly members of House Hardkoren. Baron Pardipoohpr flits about on his gravity nullifiers like something that resulted from a mating of Moby Dick with the Hindenburg. Even with modern technology, it’s hard to believe that gravity can be nullified to that extent.
The Baron’s nephew, Ratha Faded, is picking his nose with a dagger and doing his best to look sinister and sort of lurking, but the whole effect is unconvincing … even after he finally takes his thumb out of his mouth.
Sidling up to the Emperor like a snake on axle grease is Reverend Mommydearest Caligula Helena Mohair, the Imperial Soothsayer, Head of the Bunny Jehosephat Order, and Fluffer of the Imperial Pillows. “My lord,” she whispers urgently, pulling back her black hood to reveal her white hair, hook nose, and general toothlessness, “I think we sold too many tickets.”
There is indeed a huge audience seated and standing around the throne room. In the rear we can make out the hazy outlines of Guild Navigators, disappearing and reappearing as they navigate hither and thither now and then. Force of habit. In the front row we see the well-known member of the Mintpat Order, formerly in the employ of House Euripides, but now Minister of Fresh Breath for House Hardkoren. We also see the universe’s hairiest man … or whatever … Doctor Chewie and his wife Wannabe. They’ve got front row seats! Over in the corner is old retired Emperor Elsnood IX, sort of propped up in a chair in a giant bell-jar full of Airwick.
Trumpets sound! Well, toy trumpets, anyway, beautifully seconded by bird whistles and duck lures. The “Fate” theme reverberates through the hall: DUUUNEduneDUNEduuuuune. The reverberations of the twangy Jews’ harps are particularly nasty. Phil Euripides, the dread Mud’daub, arrives He’s grown 3 inches since he got the Frauen swillsuit he’s wearing, and walks sort of bow-legged.
His mother, the regal Lady Jacuzzica, walks beside him. She’s wearing the robes of a Frauen Reverend Mommydearest over her swillsuit, so it’s hard to tell what her legs are doing. Or if she has legs. Or how many. Best estimate: 3.
Next to Jacuzzica is her daughter and Phil’s sister, Little Ollie, age 2 going on 396. She has a nasty gashnife in one hand and a bullwhip in the other. She wears pull-up panty-diapers on the outside of her swillsuit, nobody knows why. They do have cute little representations of the ancient mythopoeic figure Spunjbopp, and the yellow squares do sort of set off the blue, blue, blue, and blue of her eyes and make-up. Behind her is the dread Frauen leader from Dietch Taffy, Stengun. Like so many Frauen in the upper power echelons, his eyes are more red than blue. Too many dietch orgies. Next to Stengun is Phil’s friend and chief of the Frauen ambulance service, Gurney Haulem. On Phil’s arm are his chief w…er, girlfriends, Cagni and Laci. The new arrivals move into the center of the throne room and face the Emperor and his people.
Reverend Mommydearest Mohair tries to interest Phil and his friends in her basket of red apples with Surgeon General WARNINGS. “Have an apple, dearie,” she urges, but gets no takers. Poison snoopers are having a field day snooping and buzzing. She bites off their little sensor heads, but it’s too late. “Murkychow,” Jacuzzica whispers to Phil, “and us with no tummz.”
“Well,” the Emperor says finally, “I suppose you seem to have maybe won, perhaps.”
Phil laughs. “I guess so,” he observes. “Arakink is a solid writhing mass of Worms.” He pauses significantly. “And I’ve cornered not only the Spice market, but also the new Spice market, and even the Old Spice market.”
Baron Pardipoohpr Hardkoren makes one last effort to retrieve victory from his previous ignominious put-down by the Emperor. He swoops down on his gravity nullifier … and bounces off the floor because in fact gravity can’t be nullified to that extent. He holds out his arms to Mud’daub. “Phil,” he cries out. “I am your grandfather! Join me and together we can rule the Known Universe!” His heavy breathing echoes throughout the hall. Suddenly he cries out, “Gak. Gak, gak, gak. Gak,” and collapses, a dagger piercing his windpipe and neck vertebrae. Everyone looks around, surprised and delighted. However, apparently nobody is able to spot the murderer. Ratha Faded looks particularly innocent, has stopped sucking his thumb, and appears to have misplaced his dagger. Cleaning crews bring in a forklift, slap a destination label “Rendering Plant” on the body, and sort of lift-and-roll the piled-up corpse out the luckily cavernous exit.
“Ha!” scorns Shazzam. “You may have defeated me, but you have yet to defeat the last surviving member of House Hardkoren. Your victory will never be complete, never be secure, until you do. Besides, everyone here is expecting a show, and me signing a surrender treaty just won’t cut it.”
“Damned straight!” says Dr. Chewie. “Front row seats we got! And you were wondering what I obtained for my wife?”
“Fight!” yells somebody in the audience, somebody using the Voice. And maybe ventriloquism. Reverend Mommydearest Mohair is drinking a glass of water. “Fight!” yell many other voices. “Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight…” – well, you get the idea.
Ratha Faded Hardkoren steps forward and sheds his Marine khaki bathrobe. He’s gorgeous in Speedos.
Phil Euripides steps forward and pulls off his swillsuit. He’s gorgeous in Speedos.
Reverend Mommydearest Mohiam steps forward to referee, but we’re not even going to go there.
Faded borrows the Emperor’s knife. Phil borrows Cagni’s knife. Several Frauen and members of the audience spend a few minutes borrowing and lending knives, fingernail cutters, can openers, and mascara. Mohiam has a knife of her own, but Jacuzzica lopes over and takes it away. Gurney Haulem has his guys break out the stretchers.
Faded and Phil circle each other warily. Somebody in the audience is going, “Stabba, stabba, stabba, stabba.” Dr. Chewie, it looks like. Anyway, after several minutes of circling – most of them now cut and appearing under “deleted scenes” – Faded makes the first move. He feints. Phil jabs, sort of. Faded does some fancy wrist work. Phil tries not to get too close. Faded manages to nick Phil’s shoulder. “Phil,” he says, “I am your cousin or something. Join me and together we can rule the Known Universe.” More heavy breathing. Phil laughs and nicks Faded’s shoulder.
There’s a conference with the director. Real knives are exchanged for some nice rubber ones, and there is some real hand-to-hand fake fighting. Nobody is really buying this, so the original knives are trotted out, and there is some more really cautious hand-to-hand avoidance. Finally Faded laughs triumphantly and makes a really dangerous lunge. Unfortunately, he trips and manages to impale himself on Phil’s knife and his own simultaneously. His eyes roll up and, refreshingly, they’re not blue.
Phil’s friends cheer like mad. The Emperor’s bunch sulk. The “Fate” music is swelling, tubas, trombones, euphoniums, double-bass clarinets, oboes with strep throat, bass serpents, hurdy-gurdy, piccolo, “DUUUNEdune…”, all that. Several more Frauen come in, folding their umbrellas. The director is filming in Seattle and it’s raining outside.
The Emperor sighs, takes Princess Irma’s hand, and places it in Phil’s. It’s sweaty, but she bravely avoids gagging too much. More cheering. Phil winks at Cagni. Then he winks at Laci. Then he winks at Jacuzzica. Then he winks at the camera.
Princess Irma goes to the Emperor, tenderly takes his hand and, with a loving smile, whispers, “Now, daddy? Now do you understand why I need a face lift?”
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Member: Rod Walker
Location: Encinitas CA, USA
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About Me:
"I'veBeen aPartOf SoMany BigBangs ThatIfOneOfThem HadCreatedAnything, I'dKnowIt." "Six" in "TrippingTheRift"
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