Creepy, Disturbing, Consumer Clown Missing, Presumed Dead; Clown Haters Rejoice
Aug 12 '03
The Bottom Line Have you made the world a better place? Judging by the quality and pure volume of torn and twisted bodies he left in his wake, Jeffy did.
Assordiated Press
Aug. 12, 2003
CLOWNSVILLE, NC
In a stunning development, creepy, disturbing clown and net celebrity, Jeffy, was buried today in a rumbling avalanche of bullshit. No stranger to fluky weather conditions, Jeffy seemed to battle torrential downpours of excrement wherever he trod. It was conjectured that he might, in fact, have been a shit magnet, though there was little scientific basis to support such a hypothesis. Thus, many have expressed shock and dismay (along with glee and jig-dancin’ celebration) that this creepy, disturbing, four-eyed clown has finally succumbed to adverse conditions.
Jeffy was best known for the extraordinary amounts of consumer helpfulosity he extended to the web shopping community, primarily on Epinions, a shopping research website. He devoted the better part of the last three years towards an ongoing effort to make Epinions.com an EVEN BETTER PLACE for information-starved potential purchasers to equip themselves with scads and scads of consumer-friendly knowledge specifically contrived to make the absolute best motherfuking purchasing decisions available on the face of God’s green earth.
Alternately, he was known as a particularly creepy-looking, foul-mouthed clown with an oft-spoken appreciation of large, pendulous breasts, and an unnatural affection for goats.
Jeffy, the winner of SCADS Magazine “SCADS Spreader of the Year Award” for three years running, was almost universally lauded as the world’s premier provider of sound purchasing advice. He did have a very small handful of dissenters, including perennial California congressional candidate, Jim Scileppi, who once referenced Jeffy as “A BIG, BLACK HOLE INTO WHICH ALL CONSUMER-HELPFULNESS IS PERPETUALLY SUCKED AS IT IS GENERATED FROM THE TYPEWRITERS OF CONSUMER-HELPFUL REVIEWERS LIKE ME!” As a result, Scileppi is widely reviled within the web shopping community, though the teddy bear named after him is considered quite adorable.
When reached for comment, Epinions co-founder, Nirav Tolia, stated, “Jeffy was a paragon of virtue, and represented everything that is right with Epinions, this great nation, and humanity in general. Other than those unfounded accusations he once made regarding my company fellating canines, I think he was the model citizen whom all should strive to emulate. But he was way the hell out of line with all that canine-fellation business, the bastard.”
Furthermore, Epinions Community Care specialist Alexis Johnson, went on public record as saying, “Jeffy was an integral part of this website, providing more SCADS of consumerly-helpful data than any hundred other Epinions members combined. Plans were underway to fire all our Category Leads and place that responsibility in Jeffy’s rough, manly, able hands to do with as he pleased. I don’t know how the site will survive without him. We all need to remain strong in the face of this devastating loss. Also, I could never get enough of gazing longingly at his profile page image. He was one sexy, four-eyed, fez-wearing motherfucker, and I very much regret that I never got the opportunity to bear any of his children.”
Little did she know that Jeffy was born without a penis.
Jeffy’s deity-like powers of consumer helpfulosity provision seemed to have been waning in recent times, as was his passion for sharing them. He recently stated in a private e-mail correspondence that “despite having a lot of love and respect for a whole lot of the site’s mebers, when my thoughts wander to Epinions, I think of aggressively obtuse assclowns, and lies, and hypocrisy, and a total dearth of integrity, and slobbering, mutant, hybrid beasts, and a contempt for reason, and a loathing of logic, and advisors who strive to redefine the word ‘dumbfuck’ yet get their asses polished hard and really think they are the shit, and whining jackholes who shamelessly use some self-pitying view of the cruelties they claim to have endured as a vehicle to excuse every fuckfaced action they undertake, and the tightly-stretched faces of beauty advisors, and physical threats against me and my children, and the teensy-tiny little brains of those with the loudest voices, and good writers getting beaten down, and idiots getting built up, and celebration of some of the worst dreck one can envision, and meticulous, never-ending, heated arguments about the definition of the word ‘helpful’ and other trivialities, and rancidity, and putridness, and a big bucket full of rotting meat crawling with maggots and reeking of the overwhelming scent of some mixture of death and shit sitting in a cesspool unattended in the noonday sun.”
Despite that glowing endorsement, he was also occasionally known to voice some mild criticisms about certain aspects of Epinions and its membership.
It is expected that various subversives and reprobates will attempt to take credit for Jeffy’s untimely demise, claiming that it was their shitstorm that finally drowned the insouciant clown. But in all likelihood, it was the result of some sort of weariness within Jeffy – some previously unrecognized element that spurred a desire to remove himself from a conflict-filled and dipshit-surrounded online existence, and caused him to resign his last fight against the swirling, cascading, sheets of crap that enveloped him. No one person will likely be indicted as a clown killer, rather an environment in which he no longer wished to participate. No indictments are anticipated against the environment either.
Rescuers are working around the clock, digging through the mountainous heaps of lies, bullshit, hypocrisy, ass-fucked logic, and physical threats that discouraged and smothered the much-beloved clown, but his chances of survival seem slim. It has been several hours since the creepy, consumer clown demonstrated any signs of life.
His last recorded words were, “Glurb, glurb, gargle, retch. Goodbye, Epinions.”
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Epinions.com ID:
Sordid-1
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Jeffy
Reviews written: 62
Trusted by: 418 members
About Me:
You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
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