Southwest Airlines: The Preferred Travel Provider of Bondage Enthusiasts, Leather Fetishists, and Sadomasochistic Freaks
Written: Aug 04 '01 (Updated Mar 25 '04)
The Bottom Line
I will use it without fail. Though aspects of it make me rail. Its fares save me a tidy sum. Ignore it and you’re “just plane dumb.”
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You’ve all seen those television commercials for Southwest Airlines. You know the ones I’m talking about, the sixty-second spots where Southwest’s C.E.O. Herb Kelleher is dressed in leather bondage gear, brutally whipping scantily clad United Airlines’ flight attendants with a cat o’ nine tails while sadistically grinding his six-inch heels into the writhing torsos of submissive Continental executives. You’ve all seen those, right? Oh wait, I’m confused. I must have been thinking of something else. Southwest’s commercials show cheery little slices of Americana centered around their “Just Plane Smart” theme (a slogan that the 70 year old Kelleher won in an arm wrestling contest.) Actually, I’m not even sure about that. I don’t watch much television. But if any Southwest marketing honchos are reading this, I do suggest you consider an advertising campaign centered around S&M Bondage Man Herb flagellating rival airline employees. It seems somehow appropriate because Southwest Airlines does, in fact, beat the hell out of their competition.
The advent and rapid expansion of the internet has proven liberating to me in a great many ways. One benefit the internet has bestowed upon me is the ability to tell travel agents to spitshine my purple helmet. I don’t much care for travel agents. I don’t trust them. They somehow seem annoyed when I ask them to check prices for sixteen different travel itineraries on twelve different days for a dozen different airlines to ensure I’m getting the cheapest fare available. And they dress funny. And they smell bad. I’ve always been a firm proponent of the old adage, “If you want something done right, do it yourself” and the meteoric rise of internet-based do-it-yourself travel sites such as Expedia and Travelocity has given me access to all the data I need to make my own travel arrangements without the unwelcome intrusion of a stinky, slime-oozing middle man. Viva la internet! But you may be wondering why, if I am so sold on wonderful Expedia and the ever-lovely Travelocity, am I sitting here writing a review on Southwest Airlines website. Elementary, dear dachshund: in most instances Expedia and Travelocity do not present you with the lowest fares available. This bears repeating: if making online airline reservations, always check the travel provider of your choice AND Southwest’s website. For whatever reason, Expedia, Travelocity, and every other travel website I have encountered DO NOT include Southwest flights in their databases. To the best of my knowledge, www.southwest.com is the only online resource to get pricing and scheduling information for Southwest’s flights. And it is worthwhile to check Southwest because their fares almost always undercut the pricing offered by the other airlines.
However, before luxuriating in a self-satisfied stupor over procuring the cheapest possible air fare, keep in mind that (much like Herb Kelleher) Southwest Airlines is a two-headed monster. Flying Southwest Airlines is like going through the good cop/bad cop routine while being questioned at the local police precinct regarding a hijacked potato salad delivery truck and missing Montgomery Clift memorabilia. While you are perfectly content conversing with the empathetic, mild-mannered “good cop”, you shudder with fear every time the “bad cop” enters the room verbally berating you and pouring steaming hot coffee onto your crotch. I hate it when he does that.
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “GOOD COP” FEATURE #1
FARES
Southwest Airlines is not only “just plane smart”, they are also “just plane cheap.” (NOTE: All puns inserted solely for Jim Scileppi’s viewing pleasure.) I would approximate that around 75% of the time I exit my “nappy dugout” to “marinate” on travel arrangements, Southwest “comes correct” with the lowest prices on the market, “dog.” (NOTE: All trendy hip-hop lingo inserted solely for Repulsemonkey’s viewing pleasure.) There are also internet specials available only through Southwest’s website. One such internet special just garnered me a one-way ticket between Phoenix and Little Rock for a mere $70. With rates that stupendously low, Southwest Airlines and their exploding drummers will never have to take second billing to “Puppet Show.” (NOTE: Obligatory Spinal Tap reference inserted solely for Nathsmom’s viewing pleasure.)
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “BAD COP” FEATURE #1
INFLIGHT MEALS
Actually, there are no in-flight meals. They do, however, provide travelers with a complimentary beverage and snack pack. I’m not saying that the contents of their snack packs are dung-like, because that would be rude, but I will boldly assert that Divine would be quite pleased by Southwest’s snacks.
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “GOOD COP” FEATURE #2
OPEN SEATING POLICY
Southwest Airlines does not pre-assign passenger seating. This “survival of the fittest” methodology suits me quite well. I have definite preferences about where on the plane I wish to sit, so Southwest’s policy allows me to strong-arm old ladies and trample small children in a mad rush to MY preferred location. Another side benefit of this policy is that if you find yourself suddenly surrounded by sweaty Bulgarians or buck-toothed degenerates, you can simply get up and move somewhere else. I had this happen to me during a Dallas to Little Rock flight. I was just peacefully sitting there, minding my own business reading a SIMPLY FASCINATING copy of Southwest Airline’s superb in-flight magazine, when a rather portly and ill-mannered young woman wearing a Metallica t-shirt planted herself in the seat next to me. She proved to be a rather chatty lass (a quality I don’t admire from strangers on airplanes), and proceeded to start complaining about how she’d almost “f’in missed her motherf’in flight” and how she was “so f’in relieved to escape motherf’in Dallas” blah blah f’in blah motherf’in ad nauseum. Thanks to Southwest’s f’in open seating policy, I was free to leave my f’in seat and relocate elsewhere on the f’in airplane. Three motherf’in cheers for Southwest Airlines!
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “BAD COP” FEATURE #2
THE CREW
Now I’m not one to criticize people, oh heavens no. And I realize these are just good hard-working American folk trying to make an honest living, but I’ve had a handful of bad experiences with Southwest Airlines employees. For one thing, they think they’re funny but they’re not. Rather than spewing out the standard mindless “hey, there’s an oxygen thingie blah blah in case we crash into Lake Placid use your seat cushion as a flotation device blah blah blah” safety speech, they try to “jazz it up” and it just doesn’t work. Rather than making the run-of-the-mill “yeah, we’re running five minutes ahead of schedule and, wow, if you passengers on the right side of the airplane look out your window you can see some big, famous landmark thingie” announcements, the pilots are required to inundate my offended ears with vacuous spurts of family-friendly, cornball humor. It is weak, contrived humor that just fails dismally. It’s worse than reading a Sordid-1 review, I swear.
Also, and this is an anomaly in the airline industry, many of Southwest’s flight attendants seem to have big, huge asses. I’ve always heard that airlines have height/weight requirements for their flight attendants (which seems discriminatory on the surface), and this might be true for Southwest as well. However, if that is the case, I believe some of their flight attendants must gluttonously gorge themselves on snack pack after snack pack of Divine-treats, because I’ve seen some big, whomping butts on those gals. And don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against massive pork butts. Big, whomping butts are okay with me, I approve of them, honestly. It’s just that they start to annoy me when I’m contorted in some uncomfortable, limb-bending pose in a miniscule airplane seat and I am subjected to an ass attack every time a bubble-butted flight attendant passes by me. That’s all I’m saying.
OTHER SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “GOOD COP” FEATURES
A) “Rapid Rewards” program – This is Southwest’s version of a frequent flier program and as it currently stands (these things tend to slyly alter themselves with a frequency even greater than the Epinions TOS), program participants receive one free r/t flight for every eight they purchase. This can be tracked online.
B) Ticketless Travel – Individuals who purchase their tickets online are given a confirmation number and can bypass the terminally outrageously long lines at the check-in counter and go straight to the gate (assuming there are no bags to check.)
C) Employment Opportunities – Southwest Airlines website maintains a listing and description of current job openings. If you have a cornball sense of humor and a big, huge ass, Southwest wants to hire you!
OTHER SOUTHWEST AIRLINES “BAD COP” FEATURES
A) No Special Bereavement Fares – It’s common for airlines to offer special discounts (AKA “bereavement fares”) to individuals forced to make last minute travel plans due to a death in the family. This is a benefit Southwest does not embrace. My grandmother died last month and I called numerous airlines to inquire about discounted last-minute travel. They all offered something (though those prices could still be construed as “gouging”) except Southwest. “We don’t need to offer compassion fares because our prices are so low to start with,” explained the bored custom service representative. I ended up driving. (NOTE to Southwest CSRs: You need not be so flippant.)
B) Limited Airport Service – It would appear that Southwest Airlines services only 60 cities, excluding many major metropolitan areas such as Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Denver, and Piggott, Arkansas. If you live in a neglected part of the country, Southwest Airlines suggests you “just plane walk.”
C) Poor Policy Statements – Southwest’s website currently does an inadequate job of explaining their flight policies which sometimes necessitates a phone call to their bored customer service department. For example, I could find nothing on their site pertaining to their policies on infant travel. All I wanted to do was dress my wife in a onesie and claim she was a lap child (hey, anything to save a buck, right?), but there was no way to find age requirements or restrictions specifying the cutoff between free infant travel and paid child travel. Actually, there is very little information of this nature on Southwest’s site.
In addition to providing a means of purchasing airline tickets, Southwest also has features to book rental cars and hotel accommodations. So whether flying for business or flying for pleasure (oh sweet, sweet pleasure), remember this: airplanes are faster (and bigger) than buses. And if you are in need of cheap air transportation and don’t mind travelling on a no-frills carrier, surf on over to www.southwest.com and book it, Dano. Just watch out for Herb, though. He’s one bad motherf- (SHUT YO MOUF!)
Recommended:
Yes
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About the Author
Member: Jeffy
Reviews written: 63
Trusted by: 413 members
About Me: You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
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