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Haggis Soup for the Soul (Vodkaboys Invitation W/O)Aug 23 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Everybody sing....Some Enchanted Evening....
Vodkaboy has encouraged us all to get to know each other a little better with his "Invite an Epinionator for a Drink W/O". What a great idea! Things have been a bit stressful for me lately, so I needed to spend an evening with someone that would brighten my spirits and make me laugh. No doubt, it had to be Haggis. Well, good evening, Hags! So sweet of you to accept my invitation. Where are we and what are you gonna have to wet the ol whistle with, anyway? Heh, heh, heh. Tolja I’d get you out fishing again. We’re out on a small lake near my home, cruising up toward one of the better holes. Hand me a worm, will ya? I’ve got the beer iced down pretty good—Heineken for me; Bud for you. How can you drink that stuff? Oh, wow, this is cool. I love fishing. And put yer glasses on, guy....this bottle says Michelob. Hope you don't mind if I ask you a few questions while we're here. As long as we can keep fishing. It’s gonna be dark pretty soon. Hey, pass me some of those boiled peanuts, will ya? Cool beans! No, not the beans. The peanuts. First of all, I've wanted to ask you for a long time how you come up with the ideas for your song parodies. Do you have a song in mind first, and then place the words? Or the other way around? Words first for sure. Phrases or names first, actually. Take a name like Osama bin Laden. It kinda has its own beat—o SAM a bin LA den, see? Then I put my little brain to work trying to think of a song that shares the same beat. Add a few more words; try to rhyme. That’s about it. I'm also wondering about your short stories. Were your main characters (the Preacher, the Lady in Black, the Old Woman in Women-Training) based on people you've known in real life? All different, actually. The preacher is a compilation of a number of folks I have either known or seen (like on TV) over the years, with a good bit of exaggerated caricature thrown in as well. The Lady in Black was a sort of “what if” character. I was standing outside of my office having a cigarette (yeah, I know, I know), and when I looked across the street, I saw this older model, tan sedan parked by one of the apartments. For a minute I thought that there was someone in the front seat, but it was just my old eyes playing tricks. The story and character just sort of evolved from there. I never really thought much about the old woman in the nursing home. She just sorta had to be there, you know? I've noticed that you like to spend your time in the Writers Corner. So, tell me, if I were to push you into a corner and say, "Hags, you have no choice...you HAVE to write a product review". What product would you pick? And tell me a little something about it. What? Me? Go over to the Dark Side? Not likely. But if I ever did…hmmm…maybe it would be in books. I read lots, like most of the folks here at Eps. Or maybe I could write up something about a kitchen appliance. I do like to cook, you know. I’d really like to write a beer review, but I have never figured out what that “hints of vanilla” type stuff means. My beer review would probably be something like Drank it. It didn’t suck. Mildly buzzed, but didn’t puke. Now I think it's time we get a little more personal here, don't you? Wait a minute!! Get back on your side of the table! *Whew* So, where was I? *fanning self* Oh, yes, do you mind telling me a little about your family? *wipes drool off beard, removes imbedded fishhook from thumb* Sure. I’ll tell you about my family if you’ll explain just how the hell you got a table onto this boat. Anyhow—two kids, both daughters. Four grandkids—three girls and one boy. They range in age from not quite 2 to 7 years old. My youngest daughter Hagget is a new writer on the site. I wish I could convince her to write more. She’s really very good, but don’t tell her I said so. My oldest daughter is a social worker. She’s too smart to get addicted to anything like Epinions. None of my grandkids is employed yet. Tell me about your high school days. Were you a "Rebel without a Cause" type? Nah. I was pretty harmless, actually. Aside from the looting and pillaging, I mean. I was just basically clueless in high school—sorta like I am now. You once mentioned setting pins at a bowling alley (Lordy, I'm glad I'm so much younger than you) *hey, stop spitting those wads of paper through that straw at me!* Do you bowl now? I never actually bowled that much. I was more a fishing or golfing kind of guy. It’s probably been 4 or 5 years since I did go bowling. Hey! Look over there. *nails her with a spitball* I remember reading your referring to yourself as a biker once. Are we talking Harley Davidson here, or Schwinn? Closer to Big Wheel. I never actually owned a bike, but I did have a friend who taught me how to ride. It was fun, but for some reason I never followed up on it. I also believe you said that at one time you were spat upon and called a Baby Killer. Do you mind talking about your days in the service? Yes. Just kidding. Not much to talk about, really. U S Army 1966 – 1969. The Army, in their infinite wisdom, sent me off to Korea rather than that other little bothersome spot we were involved in at that time. I don’t regret my Army time at all. I learned many, many good things—like how to fire a variety of weapons, how to kill with a bayonet—you know, useful stuff like that. Nedi, I know you’re much too young to remember this, but back then it was pretty typical for anyone in a uniform to be reviled. I’m glad that’s changed. Now if we can just get rid of Jane Fonda… Yea, yea, that was just a little before my time. *snicker, snicker* Grab me another beer, wouldja? Sure nuff. I'm ready for another one myself. So, ok, let's lighten things up a bit. You and I are both fans of the music of the 50's and 60's. Do you ever listen to the music being recorded these days? If so, what do you think of it? I’m afraid I’ve turned into my father. I remember listening to Buddy Holly on the radio and my father telling me that “that’s not music.” I feel the same way about today’s stuff. I just can’t get into it. Gimme some good ol’ doo wap any day. Oh, oh, oh, another thing I've wanted to ask you is concerning your name. I'm just curious here. I've read recipes on how to make an authentic Scottish Haggis. Have you ever tasted one? Do you know how to make one? Yeppers, I have had haggis a few times. It doesn’t totally suck, you know. And yes, I do know how to make it, but I don’t like it enough to go through all the effort. Where do you buy sheep lights, anyhow? Is there any one particular thing that you dreamed of doing that you haven't accomplished yet? *Gazes lustfully into Nedi’s eyes, slowly inches toward her, sustains stinging slap across right cheek, receives hearty kick to groin, falls overboard, crawls back into boat, returns to seat, a ruined and broken man.* I understand that you live in Michigan and that you've lived in other northern states. Have you ever ventured down into my neck of the woods? What do you think of us Southern folk? Be careful, here, I'm sensitive. Don’t worry Nedi, I think you Suthruns are good people. Once we taught you how to behave (Civil War) you’ve been coming along just fine. I’ve never been to Arkansas, but I have spent some time in the South. I’ve spent enough time in Georgia to learn the difference between “y’all” and “all y’all.” I have an affinity for country ham and grits. I love greens too, but I find that y’all too often cook the bejesus out of your other veggies. I’m madly in love with Virginia—it has an ocean, you know—and I would love to retire there. Maybe if I could hurry up and win the Lotto, I could get there sooner. Are we flirting? (Vodkaboy says I have to ask that) Is a bear Catholic? I've seen other folks asking a certain question that I find really interesting, so I'm going to ask you the same thing. If you had just one wish, what would you wish for? I wish you hadn’t kicked me in the…er…groin so hard Well, it's pretty dark out here on the lake now. I've had such a good time. Thanks so much for taking me up on the invitation. So I guess it's time to say Goodnight and I have to ask....handshake, hug, or kiss on the cheek? Heh. You ain't gettin' off that easy, girl. *Lunges across table toward Nedi, who deftly lands karate chop across windpipe with left hand while simultaneously slamming now empty Michelob bottle across his head.* As he slowly slips into unconsciousness he gasps, “Thanks Nedi. This has been fun. Um, could you get the boat back to shore now? Now? Right now? Just hang on, man, you'll be okay. I think I gotta bite. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you'd like to check out all of the entries in this Write Off, you can just click right here. Grab a cup of coffee or a mug of cold beer first. You're in for some great reading. 8-) ~~Nedi~~  |
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