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I AM POTATO GOD!!!Aug 29 '03 (Updated Sep 18 '03) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line 20 reasons why I rock and you don't.
Yes, it's true. I, *Broomy*, am the Spud Spirit, the Dirt Clod Goddess, the Starchy Dr. Atkins Adversary. And now I am going to give you twenty reasons why I am so godly and why you should worship me (yes, I'm finally jumping on the "20 Facts" bandwagon, but you know what? I'm gonna drive that bandwagon straight into my yummy, potatoey heaven!). 1. I have no conscience. Yep, I'm admitting it. I make fun of retarded people. I laugh at funerals. I run over old ladies with my ice cream truck with all the freezers open so all the little kids' ice cream melts while I'm blaring my awesome ice cream truck jingle at full volume. And do I feel bad about it? Of course not. I'm not that old lady. I'm not that ice cream-less little kid. I'm not retarded (or at least that's what my parents tell me). Why should I feel bad? I know I have no feelings, no class, and no shame, and I'm proud of it, dammit! 2. Music first, and everything else... um... like, not first. Music is pretty much the only sorry excuse for a life I'll ever have. It's the only thing I'll ever review here on Epinions, mostly because it's the only thing that I actually know something about. I have to listen to music everyday or I'll slap somebody (not that I won't slap somebody anyway, but you get what I mean). And I'm not overly snobby about music. I like what I like, you like what you like, it's all good. As long as you don't worship Britney Spears or Fred Durst, I ain't mad atcha (one of my many wiggerisms - read on for more details). 3. I HATE KRISTINAFH!!! Ha ha, just kidding! But I am jealous of her, though. Every profile I go to that has a "Favorite Reviewers" section or whatnot lists kristinafh somewhere near the top, and deservedly so. I just wish I could be that popular. It makes me feel so insignificant and unloved *sniffle sniffle*. 4. I think I'm a really crappy reviewer. I guess this kind of ties in with the above fact. But seriously, every time I read one of my reviews, I'm like, "What a pootie-tangin' piece of sh!t!" I read other people's reviews, and I'm like, "Now why can't I write like them???" Maybe it's low self-esteem, since I usually get VH's. Or maybe everyone else on this site is just dumb. I don't know, whichever comes first. 5. I hate roses. Roses are so boring. On Valentine's Day, you always get roses. Your date always gives you roses. What do you think of when you think of flowers? You think of roses. See what I mean? Roses are the most boring flower ever, and they smell like crap, too. Personally, I prefer daffodils. Not just because daffodil is a funny word, but because daffodils are so bright and happy-looking. But for real, I hate roses. They suck major donkey balls. 6. I am the queen of wiggerisms! And that's quite a feat, considering I live in the wigger capital of the state. I'm not a wigger, but I like to pretend to be one. Have you ever noticed how black people have the coolest lingo? I'm jealous of them, so I steal all their words and use them on a regular basis. And I'm proud of it! Fo shizzle! It's hot in herr! What's crackalackin? Hee hee hee, I'm the funniest and whitest person I know. 7. I love gay men! Okay, that probably sounds kind of weird, so let me elaborate. Gay men have so much more personality than straight guys. They dress better, they're more articulate, they're more respectful, and they have great senses of humor. How could you not love gay men? They're so much fun! Straight guys are so insecure about their masculinity and whatnot, but gay guys just don't give a f*ck. Isn't that great? Being only fourteen, I haven't met many gay men, but I still think they're awesome! 8. I'm obsessed with peanut butter. Yes, it's true, I'm admitting it. I could eat peanut butter all day, every day. Everything tastes better with peanut butter. Peanut butter is the greatest food of all time. George Washington Carver is a friggen genius, man. I wouldn't be here today if he hadn't invented this wonderful peanutty substance. The only thing I don't like about peanut butter is when it's crunchy - eeeewwwwie! 9. I'm adopted. Okay, not officially, but I'm pretty sure I am. I'm positive that Tom Green and Anna Nicole Smith are my biological parents, but no one else is willing to admit it. But they are! I swear to Bob! My real name should be Broomqueesha Green-Smith. Doesn't that sound so much better than Broomqueesha Smythe? One day I will find Tom Green and Anna Nicole Smith and take them on Maury for a DNA test. 10. Believe it or not, my name is NOT Broomqueesha! *Gasp!* Well, if you've read my profile, you'd already know that. But my real name is Rachel; Broomqueesha Smythe, or *Broomy* for short, is just a name I came up with in seventh grade. And don't ask me where it came from, either. Have you ever just randomly thought of something cool and have no idea how you thought of it or where it came from? Yeah, it's one of those things. 11. I'm a lazy mofo. I never wanna do anything. I just sit on my big Italian butt all day and watch TV and play 3D pong on the computer. I guess it's pathetic, but I'm proud of it. My dad always complains about how I never do anything around the house, but you know what? I don't have to. I'm a kid, you're the parent. You clean the house. I'm fourteen years old. I have a right to be lazy, considering the freaks I go to school with and the imbeciles I come home to. 12. I guess you could say I'm a narcissist. I'm cool. I'm awesome. I'm better than you. You suck; I rock. I am Potato God; you are nothing. I kick booty. I spank booty (?). Do you get where I'm going with this? 13. Democrats? Republicans? What's the difference? I don't believe that there's a separation between political parties. All politicians, no matter what party they belong to, are after the exact same thing: money. And lots of it. In my opinion, Democrats are just Republicans who are too scared to admit they're Republicans. None of this conservative and liberal bullcrap. All politicians are conservative. Politics is centered around conservatism. Democrats and Republicans are the same thing. Now I know I'm just a dumb teenager, but that's what I think (and for the record, I think we should have just forgotten about Bush and Gore and the whole recount thing and just made me president. Yay! *Broomy* for president!). 14. My favorite color is pink. I guess I'm a girly girl at heart. I love pink. Pink animals. Pink chairs. Pink food. Pink hair. I love it all. My favorite color was blue for the longest time, but then I got sick of it. So now it's pink. Pink is so happy-looking, like daffodils. Now if only they made pink daffodils. Or pink peanut butter. Or... 15. I don't believe in labeling people. I don't believe the whole punk/prep hype. I don't play that game. The only time I do that is when someone tries to label themselves because I don't know why someone would want to pigeonhole themselves into something, especially something they're not. I don't think I'm a punk, or a prep, or a thug, or a whatever. I'm just me. And I'm not gonna dislike someone because they're a "prep" or what have you. I dislike people because I dislike them (if that makes any sense). 16. I can't stand fake people. I don't get why so many people try to be something they're not (ahem, Christina Aguilera?) just to "fit in" or blend in with a group of people. I don't like people who gossip about one of your friends to you, then go to that friend and gossip about you. That is my all-time pet peeve. I don't like it when someone acts one way around one group of people, then a different way around another group of people. It really p*sses me off. I just don't understand why people can't keep it real and just be themselves. 17. I used to be a hardcore Madonna fan... until she did that stupid excuse for a performance with Miss Lip-Synch herself, AKA Britney Spears, at the VMA's. And that kiss they did was so fake and planned; it was worse than the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie liplock. I still got love for Madonna and her music - not even Britney Spears could f*ck that up - but I have lost a certain level of respect for her. I thought Madonna actually valued her integrity and wouldn't sell out by performing with such a studio puppet as Britney Spears, but I guess I was wrong. 18. I'm really impatient. I don't wanna wait until tomorrow. I want everything to either happen now or never happen at all. I can't stay in one place or sit in one position for more than five minutes. I can't talk to one person for very long and I go through friends like most people go through underwear. I just don't like doing one thing or talking to one person for a long time; I'm anxious to move on and find something better to do. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD, but, in the end, I think I'm just really pushy and really demanding. 19. Random Statistics: - Height: 5'8" or 5'9" or so - the potato god will step on you!!! - Weight: around 120 - the potato god will bodyslam you!!! - Hair Color: Brown - the potato god will steal your hairbrush!!! - Eye Color: Brown - the potato god will stare at you!!! - Birthday: February 6th - you will send the potato god presents!!! 20. I rock. I guess this is more narcissism, but hey, in my case, narcissism is justified. Well, that's pretty much it. Those are just twenty of the many reasons why you should worship me, the one and only potato god. If this one is well-received, I might consider writing twenty more reasons for why I am so awesome. Until then, I must say arrivederci and don't eat my little french fried children. :)  |
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