Oh viruses...I think I love you.
Sep 19 '03
The Bottom Line I think the bottom line is infected
I walked into Starbuck's a little early, wanting to get a good seat before Michelle came in. Michelle is a long-time friend of mine from back home, a model with stunning good looks but with a little something missing upstairs. Still, she's been successful, so who was I to judge? I had always felt a little protective of her because of this, because guys in high school had always been trying to take advantage of her. What a basis for a long-term relationship, but there you go.
Michelle walked in, looking even more bubbly than usual, her long brown hair blowing in the breeze. She smiled at me, ordered her mocha, and sat down across from me.
"Jason, I've got such wonderful news!" she squealed. She took a sip of her mocha and grinned. Inside, I groaned. Whenever she got like that, it usually meant that she'd found another man who was about to hustle her. Only luck (and my occasional right fist) had kept her from getting into a lot of trouble. "I have a new boyfriend!"
"Is this like that car salesman who tried to sell you that 1973 Pinto for $5000 and then get you in the back seat?" I asked.
"No, no, no. And have I thanked you for turning him into a pretzel yet?" she said, but then went on without letting me answer. "No, I haven't even met this guy yet, but we've been corresponding through email a lot in the last couple of days. He's so attentive! I get like sixty emails a day from him. And he's so protective! He sends me these things called "security updates" for my computer."
My face fell. Could this be what I thought it was? "Let me guess. He works for Microsoft?"
"Yes!!!" she giggled. "Do you know him?"
Michelle had bought a computer and started using the Internet because it was the "in" thing to be doing, but she had never really understood it. She hadn't been so stupid as to think the CD-ROM drive was a cup holder, but that could be because her cups didn't fit it. I wasn't sure.
"No, I don't know him. However, I don't think this 'guy' is trying to protect you. You haven't clicked on any of those security updates, have you?"
"Clicked on them? You have to click on them to run them?" She started to down her coffee a little faster. "I better go do that before somebody gets in there! I thought I was safe!"
I motioned her back down. "No, no. You don't have to do that. Those are viruses." I felt another lesson coming on.
"Viruses? I'd better go to the doctor, then."
"No, no, no. Computer viruses. The Internet is full of dangerous people out there, trying to pull one over on innocent computer users like you. You remember your 'African men' phase?"
Michelle had gone through a phase when she thought she'd hooked up with some rich African former princes. The problem was, none of them would respond to her emails, they just seemed to want her bank account information (which she didn't know). "How can they want a relationship with me if they don't respond to me?" she had wailed. "Besides, I think there may be something kinky going on with them. They don't respond to me, but they're obviously passing my address along to their friends, because I got two more from two different people! But they don't respond either when I reply. What is it with African men and their fear of commitment? Jeez, I just ask for one date and you'd think I'd asked them to come over and get married!"
I came back to the present, as she said "yes, I do remember that. I still get the occasional one, but I'm through trying and I just delete them. If they want me so bad, they can find me on a shoot."
I sighed. This was going to be trickier than I thought. She didn't understand the concept. She kept forwarding me emails about enlarging my nether regions, saying "They must have gotten my address and yours mixed up!" I was wondering if she was implying something.
"Look," I said. "Just delete those emails unread and for the love of God, don't click on anything within those emails. They will do very bad things to your computer."
"Worse than a bad hair day?" she asked.
"Much worse. They will make it explode." Not the truth, but I was desperate to make sure she didn't continue this "relationship."
"Oh no! Ok, Jason. I will stop. The poor guy is going to think I'm ignoring him, though."
"I don't think he'll notice, Michelle." I drained my coffee. "Look, hon. I have to get back to work. Promise me you'll do what I said?"
"I promise." She got up too and kissed me on the cheek. "What would I do without you?"
I didn't want to hazard a guess, so I said my good-byes and headed out the door, fantasizing about finding the little turd who had created this latest virus and sticking his head through a shredder.
A few days later, I got a phone call from Michelle, sounding excited again. "You kept deleting those emails, didn't you?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah. I did. Don't worry. I just want to invite you to my graduation!!" She giggled again.
"Graduation? You never told me you were taking courses." Not to mention the fact that I didn't think she could pass much of anything beyond a course in walking the runway.
"Yeah! You know I've always wanted to say that I'm educated? Well, I just got an email from somebody offering to sell me diplomas, so I bought three! I'm going to hold a little ceremony for myself."
I groaned. Here we go again...
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Member: David Roy
Location: Vancouver, BC
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