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Space For Rent- 'Let's Just Be Friends' Doesn't Always WorkSep 30 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line This was written as part of a local playwright's Valentine's Day Festival in which the evolution of a relationship was studied. Any feedback would be great.
Space For Rent A One-Act by Bowenkge Setting: A small one-room apartment. Not much more then a couch and a table with some chairs. Characters: Jake-Early 20’s. Typical guy, quiet and reserved emotionally and somewhat naïve in some situations and wise beyond his years with others. Kate-Early 20’s. Intelligent and thoughtful, has a motherly quality and yet has an unchecked mischievousness. (Jake is asleep on the couch or floor while Kate walks in from other room. She is dressed in some sort of sleeping gear, pajamas or sweats. She looks at Jake with a motherly smile and nudges him awake gently.) K-Good morning, Sunshine. You hungry? J-Mmmm, hell yea I am. What’s on the menu? K-Well I’m brewing a pot of coffee right now, but I could make eggs if you want. J-I want, I want. What time is it? K-Eleven. J-Wow, after last night I’m surprised I woke up at all. K-Yea, you were pretty wasted. Was the couch comfortable? J-Always is. Thanks for the loan of it. K-Anytime, but I may need to start charging rent. J-Oooo. If it comes to that I’ll just pass out on the sidewalk. K-I’m kidding. Put some clothes on and I’ll make some breakfast. J-Yes ma’am, will do. (Kate goes into the kitchen as Jake puts his shirt on and roams groggily around the room.) K-Is the paper there? J-Let me check. (He opens the door and picks up the newspaper.) Yea it’s here. K-Well read it to me; I can’t cook and read at the same time. J-I guess I can do that, as long as you’re feeding me anyway. K-I treat you too good as is, you know. J-Yea, I know. (Looks at paper) Okay, top story. In Northern Ireland yesterday, four people were killed on the steps of the St. Clarence Cathedral after a breaking of the official cease-fire between the IRA and the Ulster Nationalist Party. Roald Conoly, an eye-witness at the scene, claims that three men, believed to be members of a rouge IRA outfit known as the Fleches Sidhe, drove by in a unmarked van and began firing rounds into parishioners standing outside the church. The victims were all instantly killed by the hail of… K-That’s enough, I don’t want to hear anymore. Read me another one. J-Okay. Smells good, by the way. K-Thanks. J-Hmm, well we’ve got troubles in religious conflicts in Palestine, racial conflicts in Mississippi, scandal in Washington. Take your pick. K-Never mind. Just sit down. They’re ready. J-Sexcellent. K-Here, you eat while I get dressed. (She puts eggs on his plate and he pours them both a cup of coffee. She takes hers into the bedroom and closes the door) J-So, any plans for the weekend? K-Dave should be coming down sometime this afternoon; he’s got the weekend off. J-Dig it. I’ll take off before he gets here. K-No hurry, you’re welcome to hang as long as you want. J-I know, it’s just still kinda weird, your ex being here when your boyfriend shows up. Just f**ks up the places mojo. K-It’s really not a big deal. Dave doesn’t mind. He likes you. J-Yea, I like him too. Damn him. K- (Comes out of bedroom dressed in nice clothes) What? J-It’d be a lot easier to hate him if he weren’t so damned cool. K-Why would you hate Dave? J-Hmm, lets see. He’s intelligent, he’s talented, he’s got a job that actually pays money and, oh yea, you dumped me for him. K-I didn’t dump you for him. J-I stand corrected then. The two events just happened to correlate so well. K-You can really be an a**hole sometimes. J-I know, it’s part of my charm. K-If you say so. How do I look? J-You’re asking me how you look so you can go and be all sexy for your boyfriend? K-Yep. J-You’ve hurt me Kate. You’ve hurt me in a way that only sex can heal. K-Eat your eggs. J-Yes ma’am. (They sit in silence for a bit, chewing) K-You’ve been in a pretty s**tty mood lately, what’s wrong? J-Huh? Oh, nothing really important. K-Dude, apparently it is. What’s wrong? J-Stuff. Just been feeling down lately. My records been holding up pretty well is all. K-Your record? J-Yea, didn’t Reilly tell you about my record? Of the last seven girls I’ve been interested in, they’ve all had boyfriends I didn’t know about. It’s like it’s not even anything I do, it’s just bad luck. Like God’s against me dating or something. I mean, the most action I’ve gotten lately is taking advantage of a crazy chick K-Do I want to hear this? J-Huh? Oh, she’s not really crazy. I mean she’s not like schizophrenic or anything, she just has some problems. K-And you took advantage of her. J-No! Well yea, I guess in a way. I mean I initiated it, but I was the giver. I just wanted her to relax and feel special and stuff. It was an altruistic endeavor. K-Uh-huh. And did you make her feel special? J-Yep. Twice. K-Ugh, that’s sick. J-Why? You jealous or something? K-God no. I just didn’t need to hear any details. J-I didn’t give any. It’s not like I said “the first time I made her cum by…" K- (Quickly interrupting) I swear to God if you finish that sentence I will stab you with a butter knife. J-Heh, why the butter knife? K-‘Cause it’s dull, you twit. It’ll hurt more. J- (Impressed) Very nice. Two points for the ‘Robin Hood’ reference, but one point deducted because you threatened to kill me. It’s a good thing for me that you’re all talk. K-Don’t tempt me. J-Eh, I’m done trying to tempt you. It never works and I’m getting tired of stripping for free. K-Stripping huh. Is that why you keep getting phone calls from that biker bar? J-Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow K-Yea man. Hey, weren’t you going to take out some cop chick last week? You seemed really excited about that. J-I was, till she stood me up. K-Aww baby, I’m sorry. You want me to kick her a**? J-Heh, thanks for the offer, but it’s cool. I just need to get off this downward girl spiral. K-Wish I could help you out somehow. J-It’s okay. ‘Sides, you were sorta the start of the spiral. K-Wow, that was harsh. J-Yea, it was, sorry. (Beat) So how are things with Dave going then? K-Really well, actually. It’s tough because we’re both so busy and I don’t get to see him much anymore, but things have definitely been going good. J-That’s good to hear. K-Yea, he’s gonna take me out to see Rasputina at the Stellar. It should be a good show. J-The Stellar huh, surprised Dave would go in there willingly. K-Why’s that? J-Well it’s usually populated by angry wyminists. And you know the ratio will be greatly increased at a Rasputina concert. I admire the man’s bravery, he’s gonna be like a Christian at the coliseum. K-You know that most lesbians don’t hate men. They’re just not sexually attracted to them. It amazes me that you can be so seemingly intelligent and still manage to spew s**t like that. Just because a woman happens to like other women, that doesn’t mean she blames men for all the worlds ills. It’s that sort of thing that’s been keeping people from understanding each other. J-I thought it was the fact that people are basically a**holes that keeps us from understanding one another. K-You sir, are a pessimist. J-Nope, I’m a misanthrope; there’s a difference. I don’t think the world is f**ked up, I think people are. K-You’re going to die alone and bitter, you know that? J-Yep, that’s why I’ve been yelling at the neighbor kids, preparing for the future. K-Whatever. J-So what’s after the concert then? K-Dunno, we’ll probably just come home and watch TV for a while. J-Ahh, little couch cuddling. That’s adorable. You guys are good at that. K-What? J-The whole cuddling thing, you’re good at it. You guys fit nicely together. K-What’s that mean? J-Means you fit, your bodies fit well together. K-What the f**k are you talking about?! J-No! Not like sexually, although I’m sure it’s very nice for the both of you, I mean like when you hug and s**t. As much as I hate to see it, you guys meld well together in stuff like that. I think it’s hand placement. K-Hand placement? J-Yea, you know, where you put your hands when you’re making out or hugging or whatever. The positioning, the force, the amount of grab. Hand placement can make or break a couple. If you don’t know what to do with your opposable thumbs, how are you going to possibly expect to handle an adult relationship? K-You’ve put some thought into this, haven’t you. J-Yep, I can judge a relationship by it. If the person instinctively puts their hands somewhere right off the bat, that relationship will work, but if they’re rooting and groping around, it’s gonna end badly. K-So you should have known about us not working out pretty quickly then. J-How so? K-They’re breasts, not rolls of charmin. J-Ouch, that hurt, but yea, case in point. And how do you know about not squeezing the charmin, that was way before even my time? K-I watch a lot of VH1. Anyways, what were you saying about handplacement? J-Oh, yea, right. You and Dave just know where stuff goes with each other. It’s aggravating, but in a purely clinical sense, nice to see. K-So where did you put your hands on the crazy chick then? J-You sure you want to know? K-No! Forget I asked, was a dumb question. J-Okay, but if you ever want me too, I’ll be sure to tell Dave, maybe give him some pointers. K-That won’t be necessary, he does fine. J-Yea, I bet he does. K-Uh-huh. Is there some reason we’re talking about my sex life? J-Probably because mine’s almost non-existent so I have to live vicariously through my friends. K-That’s very, very sad. J-Yes, thank you for twisting the butter knife. Would you like to pour lemon juice in the wound while you’re at it? K-No thanks. Lemon juice is too expensive to waste like that. J-Damn. You’re just full of the zingers today, aincha? K-Sho ‘nuff. J-Dig it. (Beat) So, got a question for ya? K-Sure. J-Well since we’re being all open about relationships, why’d you dump me? K-Wow, you never give it a rest, do you? J-Nope K-We dated for a week; it wasn’t that big a deal. J-Maybe not to you. Was a big deal to me, though. K-Oh. Well why didn’t you say something sooner? I didn’t realize that you felt that way. J- (mumbles) There’s a lot of things you don’t realize. K-What? J-Nothing. Just thinking out loud. K-Is this still about Dave and me? Because I explained what happened. I thought you understood. J-You explained? When did that happen? All I remember is you saying that it wasn’t working out and you had gotten back together with Dave. Where was the explanation in that? K-Why didn’t you just ask me then? You seemed fine with it at the time. J-I don’t know, it wasn’t that big a deal to me then as it is now I guess. I mean at the time we didn’t even really know each other, it was just one of those things that you don’t think out before you do it. Regardless, I found myself dating a girl who I didn’t really know aside from a few conversations and a slight crush and I’m prancing around like f**king king of the world and then she goes and dumps my a**. K-Jake, Dave and I had a lot to deal with that we weren’t done with yet. And besides, you and I wouldn’t have lasted anyway. You and I are just too different. We wanted different things. J-How were we different? You didn’t give it much time to come to that conclusion. I may not be as suave or intelligent or whatever the hell, but I think I deserve half a chance in these things. K-Jake, I’ve been in situations like this before. Breakups are always bad, but believe me, ending it quickly was the best thing we coulda done. J-Well thanks a whole lot. That explanation just gives me warm fuzzies all over. It makes me all cozy to finally know the truth. K-What are you talking about? J-You said that you’ve been in situations like this before, so I guess that would make you the relationship expert, and I’m just the village idiot. K-I never said that, you’re putting words into my mouth. J-Well let’s call a spade a spade here. You think I’m some kind of retard, that I don’t know how things work or something. K-Calm down. I don’t think you’re an retard and I didn’t say you don’t know how things work. I get nervous being with someone who hasn’t had a lot of relationships because they tend to want to move on and date other people. J-Hey, I’ve been around the block more then you think. May not have done it as quickly as you, but I’m not 12. K-I’m not saying you’re 12 either. I just don’t think we were looking for the same kind of relationship. You wanted someone to just date for the hell of it and I’ve already done that relationship too many times. That was why I ended things. You’re a terrific guy. You weren’t the reason I broke up with you. J-Oh, now that was uncalled for. K-What was? J-Telling me I’m a terrific guy. I don’t think you have any idea of the emasculating effect that phrase has. It ranks right up their with ‘you’re such a sweetie’ and ‘it’s great to have friends like you.’ K-Those are nice things to say though. J-Not to a guy. K-Why not? J-Because it signifies that you don’t see him as a possible sexual partner. K-What are you talking about? J-Those are things you say to your girlfriends, okay? The only reason straight guys hang out with chicks is because we hope to God that maybe, just maybe, we’ll get some action out of it. When you tell us we’re terrific, or we’re sweet, or we’re nice, what we hear is “how’s your vagina today?” It’s utter and total penis disrespect. K-Do you even hear the words that you’re saying? That’s so not true. J-Oh, but it is. When you break up with a guy, what’s usually the first thing you say? K-It depends. J-No, there’s a formula that occurs in the female mind. You feel you have to make us feel better before you crush us, so you tell us we’re really nice or that it’s not our fault before you lay the pain down. In theory it’s very sweet and I’m sure you think you’re doing us a favor, but you’re not. And when you say that sort of stuff to a guy friend, you’re basically telling him you’re turning him down before he even bother’s asking, not because you’re not interested so much as you’re choosing to not acknowledge the existence of his Johnson. K-Do you have a point? J-Not at all. K-That’s what I thought. J-So anyway, back to your reason for dumping me. K-Look, I knew it wouldn’t work between us, okay? I ended things before they had a chance to screw up our friendship. J-Yea. Like that isn’t screwed up enough as is. K-What does that mean? J-Nothing. K-Dammit! Stop doing that! J-Stop doing what? Stop saying things that will get me in trouble? K-Stop half-saying s**t like that. I’d rather you either tell me what you’re going to say or not say anything at all. J-So one muzzle then, to be worn at all times or I lose my Kate privileges. Check. K-And that’s another thing. When you do say something to me, half of the time you’re insulting me. It p**ses me off and I really can’t take it right now. Either cut out the bulls**t or we’re gonna have to stop hanging out. J-Is there anything else? Or are we finished with the grievances? K-What did I just say about s**t like that? J-How am I supposed to know I’m being an a**hole unless somebody tells me? K-Oh, good point. J-Yea. The thing with me with this is that I’m trying to figure out when you got the right to censor what I say and lay down ultimatums like that. K-I’m not censoring anything, I’m just saying that if you’re going to continue with this crap, you can just not come near me anymore. I don’t want to banish you from my apartment, but you just don’t seem to realize that whatever hang-ups you have don’t have anything to do with me, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t drag me into stuff. J-Who says they don’t have anything to do with you? K-I do. J-Sometimes just saying that things don’t have anything to do with you doesn’t make it true. K-No, it does. I’m not blind Jake. I know you think there’s something between us and I’m going to tell you for the last time, there’s nothing there. Whatever attraction I may have had for you is gone. You’re still one of my best friends and I love hanging out with you and talking and stuff, but that’s all. I don’t want you looking at me like some sort of psuedo girlfriend. I don’t want you getting jealous at parties just because I dance with some guy. I don’t want you checking up on my dates. I don’t want you around when you get like that because it scares me… J-I would never hurt you. You know that. K-But I don’t know that Jake, that’s the thing. J-What? What are you talking about? K-Sometimes you do things Jake, things that make me nervous. You’ll hug me for too long or you’ll stroke the back of my neck or something and I just freeze. I don’t know what you’re capable of sometimes. I try to tell you to stop and you just keep doing it. I’m just worried that someday you’ll try something else and I’ll tell you to stop and you won’t. It’s almost to the point where I’m afraid to be alone with you. I don’t want to say it Jake, but you scare me. J-I scare you? K-Sometimes, yea. J-I, I didn’t know. I mean I know I can be a bit overbearing, but I didn’t know I was getting creepy like that. I’m sorry, I really am. K-You say you’re sorry, and I want to believe you, but you’ve apologized for things before and then gone and done them again. How long will it be Jake, before both of us are drunk or high and you try something? How am I supposed to be comfortable around you when I have the constant fear that you may not be as right as you seem? J-I can’t believe you’re accusing me of doing something like that? Why are you saying this to me? K-Because I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know if I can put up with this crap. I try to pretend to not notice you slipping into some sort of strange movie where you need to rescue me from everything, where you have the strange belief that some how you’ll win me or something but at the same time I can’t help but be worried that one day you’ll take this weird fantasy too far. It’s f**ked up and I’m sick of it. J-Did you ever think that maybe it’s merely retaliation? K-Retaliation for what? I’ve always been cool with you, there’s no call for retaliation. J–Wow, you don’t even realize you’re doing it. That’s harsh. K-Doing what? What are you talking about? J-Sometimes I can’t even go into a room without checking if you’re there and when you are, you know what you greet me with? Nothing. Total and utter indifference. You don’t even bother ignoring me; you just don’t even notice I’m there in the first place. You say hello to every person around but me. I know it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things and I try to ignore it and not let it bother me but sometimes I just can’t. If I hug you too long, it's probably because I want to remind you that I'm there, before you go and dismiss me out of hand again. Do you have any idea how cold that makes me? I’m not even there to you half the time. K-Oh, I didn’t realize I was doing that. J-Yea, and that makes me feel great. K-I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy and I see you all the time and I guess I’m just used to having you around so I don’t think I have to give you any sort of special greeting. I didn’t realize I’d been doing that to you, it was pretty s**tty of me and I’m sorry. J-You say you’re sorry, and I want to believe you, but you’ve apologized for things before and then gone and done them again. K-Dammit! Stop that! J-Sorry. K-Why are you telling me this? Why are you laying all this on me now? J-I don’t know. Maybe I’m realizing you’re doing more harm to me then good. Maybe I’m realizing I’m the one hurting you more. Maybe somewhere inside I even love you a little bit, but if I don’t get this all out now, I may never do so and I don’t think I can deal with it anymore then you can. K-So stop it then. J-Stop what? K-Stop this crap. Stop blowing things out of proportion. J-What do you mean blowing things out of proportion? This is important to me. K-You just said you loved me! Isn’t that blowing things out of proportion a bit? J-I said I may love you. And why would that be blowing things out of proportion? K-You don’t love me! J-How the hell do you know that? What gives you the right to decide how I feel? K-Because you don’t love me, not like that anyway. You may love the idea of being in love with me, but you don’t love me. You don’t know me. You can’t love me, not like that. J-I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is! (Beat) I just quoted ‘Forrest Gump,’ didn’t I? K-Yea. J-That was pretty corny wasn’t it. K-Uh-huh, but I’ll give you a point for the reference. J-Thanks, that’s swell of you. K-I know. J-I guess this whole conversation’s pretty stupid. K-No. We needed to have it. Things were getting bad, whether we wanted to admit it or not. J-Probably good we got it out in the open then. K-I think so. J-You know I never wanted to have to say any of this out loud, I just got tired of us being like an old Jewish couple. K-What? J-We’re like an old Jewish couple; we argue, we fight, but not much else. K-And there will never be “much else.” J-And that’s the way it is? K-Yea, that’s the way it is. J-Huh. It still hurts. K-Welcome to adulthood. You’re finally growing up. J-Shut up. I’m older then you are, brat. K-I know, old man. (Beat) J-Well I guess I should bust out. K-Okay. J-We cool? K-Yea, we’re cool. J-Good. (Walks to the door) Kate? K-Yea? J-Never mind. End  |
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