Epinions Match Game 2003, Part Two (Due to Popular Demand)
Oct 02 '03
The Bottom Line I'm afraid that the Epinions members are upstaged by some interesting guests on the panel..........
Get ready to match the stars!
William Shatner
toospoiled
badkittyM
From Canada, The Right Honorable Jean Chretian
Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Betty White
as we all play the star-studded, big money Epinions Match Game 2003!!!
(wild applause)
And here’s the star of Epinions Match Game 2003, Gene Rayburn!!!
Gene: Well, hello gang!
(all mutter their own greetings to Gene)
We thank toospoiled for returning for a second time. (applause)
And we also thank two of our irregulars from past years, William Shatner, and of course the wonderful Betty White!
Now, you’ve probably noticed that our regular panelists, Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Richard Dawson, are not with us this evening. Richard is still recovering from horrific injuries to his groin area from last week’s edition, and, yes, CBS has banned millinocket from ever returning to the Match Game stage. You can now catch her on her own CBS prime-time show, The Million Dollar Soccer Mom, an action-packed series also starring, in their TV series debuts, Brad Pitt, Tobey Maquire, and Brendan Fraser. That’s The Million Dollar Soccer Mom, following CSI: Miami on CBS!
And Brett and Charles, due to constant bickering at each other, have suffered a mutual case of laryngitis.
We, however, have two very, um, interesting panelists joining the irregulars and the Epinions members this afternoon....... and tell me what you are up to?
Jean: (makes many verbal gaffes in a broken French accent) Well, it’s like, you know, I am the Prime Minister of Canada, you see!
Gene: The Prime Minister of Canada? That’s a very interesting gig.
Jean: Well, you see, it’s like, even though I’m so poop-ular with the voters, like, everyone in my cabinet expects me to retire, even though I’m only a man well past retirement age and am going senility-like, and they want that right-wingnut Paul Martin to lead the Liberal Party, so you see in a few months I will be out of a job. But my wife Ailene told me that maybe I should give Gene Sideburns a call in Hollyweird, maybe he will give me a job on the Matching Game; that’s a poop-ular show, like, so maybe it would be even better than being Primo Minister, don’t you think?
Gene: Uh....Obviously not much happens in your country.... so how about you?
Arnold: I’m running for governor of California, Gene! I can make this economy run better than Forrest Gump, I can slash taxes like Freddie Krugeur, and, overall, good government can say to the people that “I’ll be back!”
Gene: I’m starting to think I’m hosting Face the Nation, folks. Please don’t turn off your sets -- it will get funnier, I promise you. (turning to the contestants) Please welcome LoisLane05 and dedemw! (applause toward the contestants)
Okay, first question, this is for dedemw. Everybody plays.
Laura Bush said “I’m worried about my husband, George. Every morning, he wakes me up, and has a crazed look in his eyes. He asks me, Darling, I can’t find my blank!”
(music plays, while panel banters, decides answers, etc)
Gene: So dedemw....... Laura Bush said that she’s worried about her husband, George. Every morning he has a crazed look in his eyes and asks Darling I can’t find my........?
Dedemw: Weapons of mass destruction.
(shock from the audience gives way to applause)
Gene: Whoh-ho!! (grinning) I hope that the Secret Service doesn’t pay me a visit when this show makes it on the air. What did you say, William?
William: I also said weapons of mass destruction.
Gene: toospoiled?
Toospoiled: It pains me to say it.... but weapons of mass destruction.
Gene: That’s makes a total of two matches, and three people who will mysteriously disappear within the next forty-eight hours. BadkittyM, do you want to take that risk?
BadkittyM: Now that was a good answer... a very good answer. But I’m afraid I just went for the basics here..... I said his brains!
Gene: Still enough to be labeled an enemy combatant. Jean?
Jean: Well, it’s like, you know, George Bushwhacker couldn’t find a weapon of massive construction in his own backyard. Although I guess if it were in his own backyard, then, you know, he wouldn’t have to go to war with Iraq, he’d have to go to war with himself. (laughs, thinking that he’s funny)
Gene: (to the judges) Was there a match anywhere in that nonsense. (Jean is buzzed out)
Jean: Awww, your judges are almost as disagreeable as our Judges up in Canada -- they make their own laws and don’t have to listen to the boss, they expect the boss to listen to them!
Gene: Okay..... Arnold.
Arnold: I.... I said slippers..... (massive booing) Well, excuse me for being a Republican!
Gene: Betty, surely you’ll bring to us some humor that will remind us all of how wonderful Match Game used to be.
Betty: Why, yes, my dear! I’ve always added lots of spark to the show, along with Richard, Charles, Brett and all of the rest, so I’m sure you’ll have no problem with me giving the same old obvious answer as everyone else when I say “weapons of mass destruction.”
Gene: Oh, well, we can’t all be perfect, now! (grins) Anyhow, next question. This is for LoisLane05.
Now as you all know, Betty White is a passionate animal lover. Well, unfortunately for her, the Betty White household was no longer allowed to keep animals on their property. So, to compensate, she had Alan Ludden blanked!
(music plays, while panel banters, writes answers, etc)
(Gene walks behind the lower panelists)
Gene: You like that question, don’t you, Betty? (laughs)
Betty: (mock shock) You guys are so terrible. Don’t you realize that my husband’s been dead for years?
Gene: Well, I’ve been dead for five years, and I’m certainly not bothered by the question.
Betty: True, true. You look quite well-preserved, by the way!
Gene: Why, thank you!
(Gene stands behind Arnold, looking at his written response.)
Gene: So how’s the campaign going? Do you actually think people are going to be dumb enough to vote for a Hollywood actor who feels more comfortable with scripted lines and stories of make-believe rather than grappling with the real troubles of the nation?
Arnold: Ronald Reagan?
Gene: Good point.
(Betty White is bent over, doing something to Gene’s leg)
Gene: What are you looking for, Betty?
Betty: (muffled voice) Uh, nothing, nothing important. (gets back up into a full seating position) There; I’m done.
(Gene walks back out to the open stage. The audience howls in delight as they see that Gene is missing half of one of his pantlegs.)
Gene: (pretending to be upset) Look at this! Betty White has cut off a piece of my pants!! Brazen hussy, she is. In years past, she was content to just roll up my pantleg to see what I had underneath. She’s getting more eager in her old age now, and just cuts to the chase!
(Betty White smiles naughtily as she holds up the fabric in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other)
Gene: Okay, everybody has finished.... so what was your answer, LoisLane05?
LoisLane05: Fixed?
(laughter and applause)
Gene: A whole trove of answers is possible. What did you say, William?
William: I actually said she had Alan Ludden on a leash, and took him out for walks every morning.
Gene: Cute, cute! Toospoiled?
toospoiled: Now I’m sure the judges will accept this answer, it’s Bob Barker’s favorite saying -- Spayed or Neutered !!!! (it’s a match)
Gene: Badkitty, I think that just your name alone shows me that you’d have an instinctive grasp of such a question.
badkittyM: Maybe so! I also said that he needed to be fixed! Don’t want him tomming around Hollywood going after every young wannabe starlet now!
Betty: (mock upset) I don’t really appreciate all these accusations about my husband now.
Gene: Especially since you have that pair of scissors in your possession! Jean?
Jean: I said, you know, that he should be neutrilized-like, so he won’t go around humping around like cute bunny rabbits, you know, eh?
Gene: (disgruntled) Is that a match? (the judges buzz him out)
Jean: You let Spoiled Milk up there get by with sprayed and neutralized. It isn’t fair!
Gene: Give him a break. He’s a Canadian.
(the judges reverse their decision)
Gene: Okay, Arnold
Arnold: I said that she put Alan in a kennel where he can fondle himself with his own tongue, just like I fondled all those hot babes on movies sets for which I’m very very sorry about.
Gene: Now that’s a nightmarish image! Please just stick to Alan Ludden! (laughs) Now, to the most important person of the night, Betty!
Betty: Now I’m so appalled that everyone in this panel would think that I would be so delusional that I would do all of these painful things to my loved ones. (deadpan) I said that I gave him a rabies shot.
Gene: At the end of Round One, it’s a tie score, three to three. (faces the camera) As you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running in the race for Governor of California. We have just been advised by CBS Standards and Practices that due to Equal Time Laws, Schwarzenegger is not permitted to be broadcast unless one of his opponents is also given equal time. With that in mind, Arnold’s seat will be filled for Round Two by the Democratic gubernatorial candidate, Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante.
(Bustamante enters the stage)
Arnold: (in shock) But.... but he’s just Gray Davis without hair! And what does he know about playing Match Game?
Gene: It doesn’t take a lot of brain power to play Match Game. If it did, we wouldn’t be having you and Jean Cretin on the panel!
Jean: That’s Chretian!
Gene: Whatever! The point is that you have been terminated from the game and that you won’t be back.
Arnold: (melancholic) I have just understood that when I hear other people use those cute puns, they really aren’t that funny at all.........
*
(it’s a close race in round two, but somebody has to win and somebody has to lose. LoisLane05 won the game by one match, which means that she is able to play the next round, the Audience Super Match.)
*
Gene: We polled a recent studio audience to see what answer they got for this........
Blank Martin.
Now, if your answer matches the one they said most often, you win 500 dollars, if you match the second answer, you get 250, and if you match the third answer, you get a hundred dollars. Now you can call on three celebrities for a little assistance.
LoisLane05: toospoiled
Toospoiled: How about Steve Martin?
LoisLane05: Jean.
Gene: Yes?
LoisLane05 : No, no, I mean that lunatic who runs Canada!
Jean: Why don’t you be bilingual-like and speak both English and French like me, then you know how to say my name proper!
(someone heckles by saying “You can’t speak either language”)
Jean: Oh for sure on that, this one is easy, like. Paul Martin!
(dead silence)
Gene: Oh, sure, Mr Prime Minister (rolls his eyes)
LoisLaneO5: Betty
Betty: Someone I remember well.... Dean Martin.
Gene: Okay, you’ve got Steve Martin, Paul Martin... Yawn!!..... and Dean Martin. You can pick one of those, or maybe you had a spark in your brain and you’ve got an answer of your own?
LoisLane05: I’ll go with Steve Martin.
Gene: Okay, what’s the 100$ answer?
(revealed to be Dean Martin)
Maybe it’s under the $250.
(revealed to be Steve Martin)
Hey, toospoiled won you some money.... so what would the $500 dollar answer have been, I wonder.
(revealed to be Paul Martin)
Gene: (gruff voice, stunned) Paul Martin!!?? Paul Martin??!! What sort of studio audience did we poll?
Jean: See, look at what I told you, Gene Sideburns. Almost everybody in that studio audience is a member of my cabinet! (stands up, points to audience) Look, there’s Allan Rock .... Sheila Copps .... John Manley .... even Herb Gray! Damn it all, they all embarrass me, the Primo Minister of Canada, on a game show. Just for that, I’m not quitting after all, and you can cry for Paul Martin all you want. (much of this audience boos) They’ll have to peel my carcass from my chair with a butter knife before I’ll ever step down!
(more booing, along with shouts of “You’re a lame-duck prime minister” and “Liberal Legacy my a*s” and “Paul Martin Rules!”, besides other putdowns)
You talk tough now because you’re over there, but you know I can go over there at any moment and ring your neck, just like I did with that protester years ago! (*)
(suddenly, a banana cream pie hits Jean in the face. All the rest of the panel express their disbelief)
Don’t you worry! This has happened to me before, in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island. Some crazy guy who was an acquaintance of a crazy, manic-depressive woman who used to be a friend of DavidMac, your producer, snuck up behind me-like, and hit me in the face with a pie, and ended up getting thirty days in the cooler.(**) I’m used to it now -- I think I should make a new pie flavor, Nervous Nelly Pie, for all them Nervous Nellie's who can’t stand me and my poop-ular Liberal Legacy!
I should have known that something like this would happen. When DavidMac shook the hand of the last Prime Minister of Canada, Kim Campbell and the Progressive Conservative Party had the worst defeat in Canadian political history (***). Just my bad luck then, that on a DavidMac show, a great Primo Minister such as myself got a pie in the face! I’m afraid that DavidMac’s going to come on stage and give me a great big hug!! I don’t want Stephan Harper of the Canadian Alliance to be Prime Minister. (suddenly frightened at the prospect)
Gene: Well, LoisLane, you ‘ve won 250 dollars in all that excitement, and you can play for ten times that amount or 2,500 dollars in the Super Match. But if you get the right place on the Star Wheel you could double that amount and play for five thousand dollars. So give it a big spin!
(she spins the Star Wheel, and it stops on William Shatner’s name, and also hits a star which doubles the prize money)
Gene: Alright! Now get your ESP going with Captain Kirk over there, and you can win five thousand dollars!
Blank Pop.
William: (talking out loud, to himself) Yes, yes, this is so easy. Soda Pop! (the judges buzz him out, because he said his answer out loud before the contestant was asked her answer)
Gene: William! What did you do? We’ll have to do this all over......
William: ( a crazed look in his eyes) Arrggghhh!!!!!!
(he picks up his chair, throwing it toward the Star Wheel, destroying it.) Arrggghhh!!!!!! (he rips the white panels bearing his name from the table, flinging it toward Gene, who luckily avoids being struck)
Gene: Oh my god, this is even worse when he was on the $20,000 Pyramid!(****) Restrain him, security!
Jean: You don’t need security (wiping pie from his face, before putting his hands over William’s neck) Let’s get ready to rumble-like!
(Gene turns his gaze back to the cameras.)
Gene: This has been yet another sick edition of Match Game 2003 .... I really don’t understand why DavidMac wanted to revive this game show, because frankly I hate the way that it’s turned out!
(gazes at Betty White)
Betty, I’ve got a crazy idea. Why don’t we let this madhouse drool on itself while we run away together?
Betty: (gets up, her face brightening) I’ve always had a soft spot for you, Gene Rayburn.
Gene: You’ve always been a doll, Betty White!
Betty: You have always made me laugh with your corny jokes and flirty demeanor.
Gene: You’ve always had such an innocence and a cute sense of humor.
(Betty leaves the panel and walks toward Gene, grabbing his hand)
Betty: Where shall we go?
Gene: Our hearts will lead us there.... any place is better than here.
(The pair saunter off the stage and into the world like two people blissfully in love, while chaos remains contained in CBS Television City)
This is Johnny Olson speaking for Epinions Match Game 2003
A Mark Goodson-Bill Todman-David Macdonald-Nirav Tolia Production
---------
(*) Jean Chrietian really did grab a protester by the neck when he got too close.
(**) This is true.
(***) This has always been my theory. I shook her hand, said some weird surreal comment to her, and the rest, as they say, is history.
(****) William Shatner really did go postal on an episode of The 20,000 Pyramid. You can see the clip here -- http://www.gscentral.net/theatre1.htm -- along with other classic game show clips.
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidMac
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 - Top 500 |
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
Reviews written: 612
Trusted by: 109 members
About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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