Oh How I Hate Thee! Let Me Count The Ways... (Songs I F#$@^*& Hate W/O)
Oct 14 '03
The Bottom Line Hate is such a strong word...
There is a little angel with the face of Thomas Aquinas who sits on my left shoulder and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. He has this to say about hate:
Hate is a very negative emotion. It implies much more than simple dislike: It refers to an intense feeling of wishing nothing but the worst for the poor object it directs itself toward. "The worst" means experiencing extreme pain, even death. Hatred means disagreeing with its target in every possible way and finding it totally disagreeable, even noxious.
Now, as a musician Fartzy, you obviously like music. Logically then, even music that you do not like still carries the positive characteristic of being, well, music. Therefore, as hatred connotes despising every aspect of its target, you can not possibly hate any songs!
Then I say
What about that ridiculous Maya song "My Love is Like Woah"? It tries to be oh so very sexy but, rather than getting all horny, I think I would just laugh at somebody if they said these words to me. And do you remember that Saturday Night Live skit where Mike Myers did a fake Joey Lawrence video where all Joey did was say "Woah!" and look cool? This song is a shameless rip-off of that skit! Plus, I had to listen to the damn thing every time my friend would pick me up to go work out the past three months (it's her favorite song...ewww!) and THEN I would hear it at the gym, blaring at me from the television that is constantly tuned to CTN. I DO wish that maggots would fester around that song and squeeze its intestines out!
But he says:
Ah, poor misguided Fartzo. Didn't you laugh at the Joey Lawrence skit? And don't you enjoy laughing? And hasn't the song provided you with something to talk to people about? And it does have a good beat you know. Plus, part of you thinks it is fun and playful, even if it is stupid as hell. And you have to admit that you enjoy watching the video...
Alright, alright. Well here's a song that I do not find funny, whose video is just awful, and I could never even imagine dancing to: That stinking Evanescence song Save Me or whatever the hell it is called. Angst has never seemed so artificial (except maybe in Creed's music). Save me from the nothing I've become, eh? Save yourself ya damn whiner. How about "save me from the overproduced nightmare of sappy, cardboard emotions I've become"?
Now, now, you do have to admit that the song has a very clean overall sound (sounds just great coming from a radio) and the singer is very talented. I'm going to make you say ten Hail Marys for that one...plus, it has the good message of reaching out to other people in your time of deepest distress, even if that distress does seem very manufactured.
Okay, so maybe I don't ABSOLUTELY hate that one but give me a minute, I'm sure I can think of something (damn! Why didn't I make this W/O 2-10 songs that I hate?) Ah Ha! That new Matchbox 20 song I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell (or whatever) actually makes me wince every time I hear it. I'm not crazy, I'm not exciting, in fact I'm not even mildly stimulating. And you know, I did actually try to stick around but never saw a different side of you. And oh, the humanity, driving home from Boston in the rain with orange barrels barreling at me and this awful song coming on the radio every twenty minutes. You know what really gets me about this one? It's that happy-dappy two note melody of the chorus with teenage pony tails bopping around and screaming "Oh! He's such a hunk!" As somebody who is very paranoid, I know that this song doesn't even come close to correctly portraying the feeling...
Ah, but Fartzo von Bartzo, you do find yourself humming the melody now and then, eh? I heard you doing it just yesterday! It's catchy, you have to admit the...Hey! What are you doing to me? Ouch! Stop It! Sto...
You know, maybe I don't really hate these songs but I sure am sick of you Mister Summa Theologia. Sorry about gagging your mouth but there seemed to be no other option.
Now where was I?
ah yes, song number four...
Here is a song that tries to be deep and actually succeeds: Joan Osbourne's What if God was one of us?. In fact, it is piled up so deep that I am choking on it's excrement as I write this. I remember actually thinking I might like the song when I first heard it, out of the corner of my mind. That melody in the chorus flows nicely, ya know? I felt deeply embarassed for being drawn in as soon as I got there. Yeah, yeah, god is great with noone to talk to on the phone except the pope maybe in Rome and he's a stranger on the bus on his way home. It may have been profound if spoken by a two year old...or spoken to a stoned out flannel wearin' early ninties just jumpin' on the bandwagon teen.
Mppphhh! Mppppphhhh!!
SHUT UP ANGEL BOY!
Since we are on the subject of God, let's discuss Bette Midler's From A Distance. God is watching us from a distance and he is laughing at the crappy songs we have to listen to. He is laughing at us for being forced to sing this one (along with Bryan Adams's I Do it For You) in junior high chrous. You know, really, it seems to be a common theme that I end up developing strong anti-song feelings whenever I am forced to listen to stuff. I mean, heck, most of these songs are really just mediocre tunes that wouldn't bother me in the slightest had they not been force fed into my brain. Not only was I force fed From A Distance, it was pumped into my brain by a shotgun or something. Pure, happy, beautiful, shiny, sweet, SICKENING!
Here's another little insight: all of these songs represent social groups that I am not a part of. There are several seventies rock songs that I do not like, but I could never hate them because I feel a certain kinship to the whole seventies rock aesthetic and have lots of seventies rocker type friends. You know, us cool dudes.
Where was I?
Ahhh, song number 666. You know, it really is too bad that Warren Zevon had to die, but it also sucked that he had to write Werewolves in London. Like the Maya, it is sort of fun, I mean who doesn't like to go "ahhh--oooooooo!!!" But it uses the same damn chord progression all the way through (D-C-G I think.) The only reason this song was a hit was because of the "ahh-oooooo!!!" and that really gets on my nerves. We've got song writers working hard trying to come up with new, interesting, musical material and along comes this dude acting like a werewolf and getting a hit out of it. Arrrggggghhhh!
Okay, I really have to untie the angel now, I do need him there to keep me from being all nasty all of the time. If you are in the mood for more negative trashing of shtinky music, check out these writers and their contributions:
DrFaustus
Kristinafh
Plorentz
Sadgit
Shilmafone
Speeddemon531
Teamfreak16
Thevoid99
Vanwarp
Plus, the king of rock (no, not Elvis, Matta75) crashed and we may be seeing contributions from matzaballman and the mysterious crazyoboist at some point. Feel free to write one if you want!
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fartzarellah
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Member: Tomatzio
Location: Ol Virginny
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About Me:
He always walks with his hands in time.
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