The Things Australians Do
Oct 26 '03
The Bottom Line This is a little piece in 'reply' to my previous piece about American oddities- suggestions gratefully accepted, per my review!
Well I’ve decided to reverse the tables today and write this piece about some queer Australianisms, in answer to my piece about some of the things that we Aussies find a little strange about America and the people who inhabit that odd country. Unfortunately, it’s come to my attention that we are apparently a tad bit odder, though I think that has more to do with lack of exposure than anything actually inherent. Whenever I saw an Aussie on television in the US, they seemed to be madder than cut snakes ( Steve Irwin springs to mind), which doesn’t really help the way we are perceived. We really are normal, you know!
Anyway, I don’t actually know a great many of the things about my country that people don’t understand, so I would definitely appreciate feedback if I’ve left something out this time around, and which I can include in a later piece. Feel free to chuck in anything you want, so long as it actually applies to Australia! I’m sure it would actually be a lot of fun to perhaps enlighten some folks and lift the mystique that presently envelops my country. There may be good reasons for it, but we’re not really not that exotic. I’m just as pasty-white and mundane as most of the rest of you, honest!
Anyway, I shall start off with the one foodstuff that has Americans absolutely stuffed. I don’t think you need to guess what it is! It is, of course:
Vegemite - what the fudge is with this vegemite stuff, you ask? Well, to be honest, I’m buggered if I’d know, what the hell is up with Peanut Butter and Jelly?! I answered a question, with a question, I know. Vegemite is a strange concoction. It’s essentially a yeast product, I’m none too sure how it becomes black and as thick as tar, but take it as read that that is what happens. It tastes mighty strange, and in large doses it might as well be toxic. The secret is to spread it in moderation. if you don’t, you will bloody well know about it!
There are many, many foods which Americans are probably not familiar with, but there is often some kind of equivalent, not always, but most of the time there is. This makes eating in the US fairly much like eating in Australia, which is quite boring, with some exceptions.
Our sports are where people really come undone. There are two, and probably more that I can’t really think of, that spring to mind. One of them isn’t really ours, we just happen to be the best in the world at it, so by proxy, it becomes ours. This is, of course:
Cricket - what the fudge is up with that perverted form of Baseball, you ask? Well, for starters, call it anything with the word ‘baseball’ in the sentence, and you shall endure a severe beating, for it is nothing like it apart from the broad aim to score more runs than the other mob. The difference being that a score of 10 in baseball is bloody good, and a score of 10 in cricket happens once every 10000 innings, because it’s more likely to be 200 or more. Though my team HAS bowled a team out for 8 before – it was pathetic, to say the least. Anyway, cricket is nigh-on impenetrable to those who aren’t brought up with it. The strange rules, seemingly very strange techniques, and the even stranger terminology, can put newcomers off, but it is a game of great skill and often a lot of strategy.
The one sport that I believe Americans would love, if they ever got around to being serious about it, is the one that Australians love above all else (in my humble opinion!). This is indisputably the case in Melbourne. It is the exciting:
Aussie Rules Football - played at breakneck pace, it is nothing at all like American Football, because in this game you actually use your feet for something other than running. At the highest level it is extremely skilful – the difficulty involved in pinpointing a man on the run, with an oblong ball, while running at the same time and kicking it 50 yards, can’t be overstated. It is also very exciting, and a close game is truly a heart-stopping experience, because the lead can swap at a whim, and every play can be pivotal. The ultimate Melbourne experience, for a tourist, is to watch the Grand Final at the magnificent MCG, the home of football, with 95,000 other screaming fans. And it’s pretty bloody good for a local, too!
There is also a sport popular with the northern-state inbreds:
Rugby - we also happen to be very good at this game, though where all these fat bastards with no necks and not much more brains came from in our society has got me buggered. Suffice to say I don’t really understand the game except that it is a lot more alike to American Football than Aussie rules is, and for me contains only slightly more excitement – at least because they spend the majority of the time on the field in motion, as opposed to the glorified posing of Gridiron.
I’ll see what else I can come up with!
Steve Irwin - I know someone is going to ask, so I thought I’d put this in order to stop it before it started. I don’t know where he came from, or why, but he’s a nutcase, and I think that’s all that needs to be said! I’m sure he’s a good bloke, but he’s still a nutcase, and I don’t know why he wrestles with large reptiles, because it seems somewhat unnecessary. So there.
The Lingo - before I start, let me just say that we don’t say “crikey”, or “bonzer”, or indeed “cobber”, unless placed in a highly distressing and traumatic position. It’s certainly not in every day usage, and allow me to beat you if you insist that it is. Having said that, we do indeed have a rather creative little dialect, and while it is continually absorbing annoying buzzwords from the US, we’ve managed to retain the vast majority of the character imbued in our language. It’s often manifested in small things, the different words we use in conversation, or variations in names of objects, but it can definitely be confusing.
Insulting Our Friends - one thing I found in the US is that friends are generally still quite formal with each other, especially in the manner they address each other. Here, it’s fairly much customary to greet friends with an insult, or otherwise derogatory remark. For instance, if someone arrives late, the question posed is “why were ya late, ya slack prick?!” – to which the correct answer is “because I was, ya dickhead!”. Sometimes when I pick up the phone and my mate is on the line, I greet him with “what’s up, dickhead?”.
I don’t know how strange this appears from the outside – but I can tell you it’s customary. If I break something when I’m at work, a workmate will generally call me a bloody idiot, or something like that, but I never take offence. The informality in our language outstrips even the mostly informal US English.
This is mostly a very general take on things, so I haven’t mentioned much here. However, if people want to give more specific observations or queries, then my comments section is wide open (not to mention email), so feel free to use them. I am not sure how much insight this will provide, but one has to start somewhere. Thanks for reading!
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copernicus
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Location: Hopefully taking photos somewhere
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About Me:
planning to write more soon...that's the idea anyway!
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