California or Bust: Four Years LaterNov 15 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It's been exactly four years since I left Minneapolis and committed myself to the pursuit of that elusive Hollywood dream. Now seemed like a good time to check in.
"I wanna live in Los Angeles. Not the one in Los Angeles." ~Frank Black, Los Angeles On November first, 1999, I left Minneapolis and started a cross country journey with Sarah and Will, bound for California and armed with the lofty dream of writing screenplays for a living. We spent the first night in Lawrence, Kansas crashed on the floor of an apartment rented by my friend Hanna. The second night found us in Boulder, Colorado with David and Carrie. The third night was a hostel in Las Vegas, but by day four I was in Anaheim with Josh, sharing a crash pad with his two dogs, a stack of shotguns, a rough-neck hardcore band and a sad little kitty my girlfriend and I named Bella. Four years later: Bella is still sad and living with my Dad in Plymouth, MN, Josh and his band have moved back to Minneapolis where they continue to struggle and shoot shotguns, David and Carrie are married (although not to each other), Hanna is touring Canada with a Christian acting troupe, Will is pursuing a modeling career, and my then girlfriend Sarah is now an ex that I don't keep in touch with. And while this picture of the past versus the present illustrates how easily time slips away from us when we're not looking, one question remains: What the hell am I doing in Los Angeles and how goes my dream of writing screenplays for a living? "If you want to leave, take good care. I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there. But just remember there's a lot, I'd beware. " ~Cat Stevens, Wild World Days before leaving, I remember talking with my Mom about my expectations. I was realistic, I told her. I was in it for the long haul and I did not expect things to go effortlessly. I was perfectly prepared to suffer in the pursuit of the life I wanted to live. I remember telling her that I fully expected to endure difficult times before succeeding, but that I would not give up. The first year in California was a slow burn of adjustment. I was alone in a foreign place that looked upon me with callous indifference. Sarah and Will had long since driven back to Minneapolis and I had very little idea of how to make my dream of writing for Hollywood a reality. Eventually, I got a job I didn't particularly like, and I slowly acquainted myself with my surroundings. Anaheim, Garden Grove, Orange, but nothing even remotely close to Hollywood. I had no friends that weren't at the other end of a long distance telephone call, so I mostly spent my free time watching movies and playing Crazy Taxi Driver at the nickle arcade near my home. Although I love him to death, Josh was a depressed wreck and my home life consisted of dodging his mood swings and taking care of Bella. Josh spent a lot of time brooding, smoking pot and practicing with his band, so my days in Anaheim were punctuated with violence, drugs, loud music and late night telephone conversations with my long distance girlfriend. There were punched walls and loaded guns and suicide attempts in that home and I was terribly unhappy. I was stuck. "My city's still breathing but barely it's true through buildings gone missing like teeth." ~The Weakerthans, Left and Leaving The next year or two of my life was a struggle of small victories and near constant hardship. One step forward, two steps back. I spent a year in Lakewood with a deadbeat, insomniac roommate who couldn't hold a job and who popped uppers to stay awake for days on end. I struggled with a car that barely drove and often left me stranded by the side of the road. I finally got my own computer. I endured the pain and humiliation of my girlfriend leaving me. I quit my shitty job and started writing again. I began pursuing work in the film and television industry. I met people and eventually moved to my current address in Valley Village, near North Hollywood. I began to acquire a small semblance of a life that felt good to me. I had a stable, albeit limited income and I was meeting great people who were pursuing the same things that I was. I was beginning to forget about my ex girlfriend and finally taking interest in the girls I met. I took a job with a friend that promised high pay and travel. The two of us flew from Los Angeles to Indiana, then drove cross country for a short time with stops in Minneapolis, Washington D.C. and New York City. "Once upon a time we were moonshine rushing down the throat of a giraffe." ~Ani Difranco, Self Evident On September 11th, 2001, while I watched from my hotel room across the street, the World Trade Center exploded in my face and then collapsed upon itself, burying those tiny remnants of the life I'd been building. That day, a large part of me died, and the surviving remainder struggled to make sense of its place in the world. In one day, I felt as though my entire life had been knocked out from underneath me. I returned from New York with no money, no job, no clothes, no car, and no understanding of how to deal with the situation I felt crushing in on me. I quietly slipped into a depression. The months following 9/11 were as ugly as anything I've ever experienced. I felt guilty for witnessing the deaths of so many people and not being able to help. I felt guilty for mourning the loss of my pitiful possessions that included my clothes and cd's and souvenirs, while so many people mourned the losses of their family members and friends. I felt guilty for not being able to feel better now that I was home and safe. I felt guilty for not being able to get up and fix all of the mounting problems I was creating in my life by not looking for work/help/money/support. I was increasingly frustrated with being the guy who "was there". The stigma of witnessing and surviving the largest terrorist attack the United States had ever seen was visibly scratched into my character. I felt like I'd assumed a new identity I couldn't escape, one that weighed me down more than I could handle. "You're a chained-up dog fenced in a yard. Don't see much You can't go far." ~Dead Kennedys, Life Sentence I took a job at a neighborhood camera store where I processed film orders for wealthy North Hollywood photographers. I was slowly making money and paying off debts but I began to dread going to work. I couldn't stand being stuck in retail sales instead of working in the film industry, but without a car, I felt trapped within the walking distances of my apartment. I became more and more involved in my community, supporting the North Hollywood art and theater scenes. I spent a lot of time with my friends from the store. I began taking more and more photographs. Eventually, I quit my job at the camera store and started doing full time movie background work. I figured out the bus and metro routes so that I could get to set when I didn't have rides. I was thrilled to be doing what I loved, but I wasn't making enough money. Still, it felt better to be happy and broke than unhappy and well off, so I kept up with it. "Free at last, I'm seein' red. Cuz it's a fucked up world and I'm a fucked up head." ~Eyenine, One Down Around this time, Josh's band began to take off in Los Angeles, so I started working more closely with them. I shot video footage at concerts and practices and shared in their excitement as they began to climb within the scene. I was with them in the green room at The Whiskey A Go Go the night they opened for My Ruin. I shot footage at the Ventura Theater when they opened for Static-X. It was nice that one of us was achieving some success and I was glad to be a part of it. Unfortunately, the fall of the band was as sudden as their rise. They fell into an unscrupulous business arrangement with a shady producer who misrepresented their sound and maliciously attacked their financial backing. The band lost necessary funding days before they were slated to open for The Kottonmouth Kings. They lost their apartments and practice space and had to cancel the show. Within two months the band moved back to Minneapolis to recollect themselves. "It is 5 a.m. And you are listening to Los Angeles." ~Soul Coughing, Screenwriter's Blues By this time, I had a screenwriting group that met every two weeks at my apartment. I began putting more and more effort into my screenwriting. I joined some online screenwriting groups and really started to polish my craft. My friend Jeremy and I began shooting short films using a dv camera and whatever props, locations and actors we could scrape together on the most minimal of budgets. We made mistakes and learned from them. About six months ago, the two of us began our most ambitious project yet, based upon a fifty page short Jeremy'd written. We placed ad's in Backstage West and called in favors from friends and shot our project on the weekends. When we finally wrapped production, I could hardly believe it was over. We'd spent two months on pre-production and shooting and the two of us were exhausted. Last month, I helped Jeremy with the final edit and then he sent the completed footage off to be scored. Within the next month or two, I expect to be able to finally screen it for our cast and crew, which numbered well over a hundred people. Jeremy and I plan to take the completed film onto the festival circuit in 2004. "Letting the days go by. Let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by. Water flowing underground." ~Talking Heads, Once in a Lifetime In the four years I've lived in this state, I've seen the worst and ugliest life could throw at me. Dead homeless people folded in half on the pavement and men running with guns after unloading them into their victims. Celebrities so consumed with their own egos that they don't care who they step on or hurt. I've seen people insane with greed and blinded by their own beauty. I've watched the hills burn around me while the sky shit ashes, and the air over the city turned brown from the pollution of a billion angry automobiles. In a city where entire blocks run over with homeless and drug addicted vagrants while the Hollywood elite snort coke from their safe perches in the hills, insanity seems to be king. It's no wonder we have an action hero for governor. This town demands nothing less than absolute insanity. So again I ask: What the hell am I doing in Los Angeles and how goes my dream of writing screenplays for a living? The short answer? I'm pursuing my dreams one day at a time. In four years I've laid a solid groundwork with which to build my career upon. I've befriended writers, directors, actors, producers, hair dressers, set designers, make-up artists, dancers, sound designers, editors, musicians, and artists of all different kinds. I finally feel that I know enough about this town and the people that inhabit it to actively compete within it's walls. Besides, I committed to this path four years ago and I've made too many sacrifices to abandon it now. I'm in this for the long haul. I figure the worst is over. The World Trade Center can't collapse twice. The sky can't burn forever. Four weeks ago I began full time background work on Steven Spielberg's new film starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta Jones. The set is rumored to be the largest ever constructed for a film and the production requires two to six hundred extras daily. I count myself incredibly fortunate to be one of the regulars, playing a uniformed store vendor on the set's lower level. Last week, just days after the skies stopped raining soot from the burning landscape, I spent a day shooting a scene with two principals and Tom hanks, even receiving direction from Steven Spielberg. The fact that I performed with Tom Hanks, under the direction of Steven Spielberg, in a scene where I was heavily featured is still something of a shock to me. It really is a dream come true and it reminds me that the path I've chosen has it's supreme ups as well as it's downs. "I know it's all gonna be fine and I know that this is what's right." ~The Get Up Kids, Michelle with one "L" Last Saturday, my friend Mike and I hosted a surprise going away party for my friend (and his girlfriend) Sarah. After approximately two years, she has decided to go home to be with her family. I applaud her decision and wish her the best, even while I feel for Mike and his loss. The two are entering into a long distance relationship because He needs to remain in Los Angeles to pursue his acting career, she needs to follow her path and be with her twin brother, and yet Mike and Sarah are still in love and don't wish to break-up. All of my love goes out to the two of them as they commit themselves to the paths they've chosen. This piece is dedicated to Mike and Sarah, and to my father who was recently diagnosed with Parkinsons disease. If I could follow my dreams in California and be in Minneapolis with my father at the same time, I would.  |
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