America under the Microscope, part deuxNov 01 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line This is a continuation of a previous piece detailing a foreigner's observations of America, and some of the strange wonders therein!
I received quite a good response for my first essay about the idiosyncracies of American life last week, so with that approval in mind I’ve decided to come up with some other observations and comments about things, places and general trivia that I took in on my adventures in your strange country in the first three months of this year. I will be coming back soon, so I will once again get to experience and savour some of these things in their perverse glory! Bear in mind that these are my observations about probably mundane things that you will either take for granted, abhor or dislike in general, or would never have considered them to be strange. So, as an outsider, I am fully qualified to deconstruct all things American, the good and the bad. I’m mostly going to concentrate on either the bad or otherwise odd, though – talking about the good things just isn’t as much fun, unfortunately. I am going to begin my list with that most pervasive of American things: *Convenience at any cost – have you ever wondered why you were stuck in a drive-through lane with a dozen other cars, and just what it was that brought you there? I’ve wondered this myself on some occasions, when I’ve walked in, ordered my food, and either ate it there, or took it with me, to find that a car which had joined the line as I walked in was only half way through the queue. This is what happens when convenience becomes an all-encompassing buzzword – things which aren’t necessarily convenient, are touted as such, and make that person halfway down the queue look an idiot. This makes a visit to Australia a sometimes uncomfortable time – we’re not nearly as inured to convenience, which has its good and bad. There are so many examples of this that I could be here all day – but I’d appreciate if people could give me their own, from personal experience. * Private University tuition – I have at several junctures in my life considered studying in the USA, but each and every time I have been put off by the staggering sums for decent tertiary education. I hear a lot of people talking about setting up college funds for their children – and when tuition and accommodation is upwards of $25,000 to $30,000 annually, I can see why! This to me seems utterly extravagant – down here, for $5000A per year, you can go to some of the best universities going around, since the universities are partially funded by the government. I realise that the laissez faire economic climate of the US sees this as somehow evil, but even notwithstanding that, it hardly seems practical to consign a student to a probable black hole of debt for years to come in order to get a decent education. * Reality TV – I already hit on TV in my last piece, but American TV in general is such a wasteland that it behoves me to comment about it on a regular basis. I was staggered by the proliferation of all kinds of nonsensical “Reality” shows in my stay. The irony is, of course, that these shows are about as realistic as if I were to suddenly sprout another head out of my neck. The only reason they exist is because they’re cheap and trashy, and trashiness seems to draw an audience. I have yet to see a meaningful and interesting “Reality” program, since they all tend to involve charmless blokes, hyper-beautiful and uninteresting females, and a stupid premise. * Billboards – I’m amazed that I nearly forgot about these – I had more fun with billboards than almost anything else whilst I was over there, as silly as that sounds. The sheer, confounding UGLINESS of these dastardly things never failed to reduce me to a state of awe-struck muteness. Once that wore off, I had an absolute field day making fun of most of them – particularly the rather common religious billboards. Proselytising via Billboard seems to me a rather low, not to mention amusing, way to preach, and only added to the spectacle of the things. I could not get over how many of them there were, and how goddamned bloody ugly and out of place they were! * 28-lane Interstates – okay, so perhaps I exaggerate there. But bugger me if the size of these roads didn’t surprise me. I suppose it has something to do with the concentration of population and hence, cars (especially since apparently its compulsory to own two cars per person!), but the concentration and size of these enormous roads was not something I really expected. My city has two, perhaps three large freeways, mostly three lanes to a side. And even then, the traffic is never as bad as what I experienced on roads two to three times as large. Doesn’t help to have all those spastic drivers out on the road either! This is particularly emphasised in rural areas – in many places the three or four-laned interstate continues off into the woods. Here, you have one lane apiece in rural areas, and if that’s not enough room, stiff! * Medicine in Advertisements – I think I must have missed a very big event on my stay in the US. Apparently in the course of my visit, I became a qualified pharmacist. This is because there seemed to be quite a few ads exhorting me to tell my doctor about what drugs he should give me. Now, I know that they actually say “ask your doctor about mycoxofloppin”, but what they really mean is “your doctor doesn’t know anything and you should demand he prescribe mycoxofloppin! Now!”. Far be it for me to actually ask for advice – just gimme drugs, you useless quack! The whole prescription thing is a whole other topic anyway. Nevermind that the ads go on to list a whole cornucopia of side effects afterwards. Sorry mate, I think I’ll just have an extra few hours sleep and let whatever it is wear off! * Radio talk shows – too bloody right, they’re talk shows! These blokes babble and sputter and rant and rave ad nauseum. I can just see their heads, priming to explode, such is their pent-up rage and indignation at some often petty and trivial manner. The divisive political landscape in the US is perfect for these rabble-rousers, because everyone is apparently easily qualitatively bundled and packaged into a nice little niche. I’ve come up with a new label for these strange programs – Radio Talk-over Shows. Whenever someone rang in with a disagreement, the host would talk over them, yell imprecations, and make a spectacle. These people have little to no dignity, and I don’t even care what side of the political spectrum they’re from. It was entertaining, yet somehow hideous. I would continue, but for the sake of some brevity, I shall continue at a later time. As always feel free to comment if you wish to add something of your own, or verify or otherwise my observations. Perhaps I’ve opened your eyes and made you see something in a different light, and if I can do that, then I have succeeded. World domination shall be next on my list. Thanks all for reading, and I’ll be happy to answer any queries you have about my observations. And Val, get a move on with that piece of yours!  |
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