You never had a chance

Nov 2, 2003

The Bottom Line Sometimes the gift of life is hard to open

I was thinking of you today
how I wish that you were here
my little brother who I loved so much
but you never had a chance

I remember the night you were born
we couldn't wait to find out
our Aunt came over to watch us
we watched movies and had pizza and pop
waiting with much anticipation for word of your birth
we so badly wanted a little brother

You arrived early that morning around two a.m. or so
how I loved you my little brother, I guess I always will

You were a giggly little boy with beautiful blond curls
I remember holding you and the cooing sounds you made
I was your oldest sister, eleven years older in fact
but that just made me love you more, my beautiful boy

We noticed subtle differences as you grew a bit older
things were always harder for you, your frustration grew
the baby formula we gave you was years later recalled
the babies that took it were left slow and delayed
it makes me wonder about all the others
who drank this terrible drink, how are they today?

It saddens me to think that right from the very start
that the cards were stacked against you
you were dealt a terrible hand
you never really had a chance

Then there came that fateful day, your bike ride
you were hit by a teen driver
deep in a coma, barely clinging to life
how we prayed to God to help you
I remember clearly praying don't let my little brother die
two weeks later you regained consciousness
I cried when you said hi, I never thought I'd hear you again

I was so happy you were alive
but you were never the same again
brain damage, epileptic seizures
anger, frustration, depression
how different you became
I loved you none the less and I guess I always will

I remember the yelling, the fighting
when you banged your head against the wall
we were all trying to help you
but I guess we were no help at all

Doctors, psychiatrists, medication, sedation
helplessness, frustration
you never had a chance at all

I've always cared for and loved you
you were still my little brother
I took you fishing, to baseball games
Cedar Point, hockey games
remember the night you caught the puck?
how happy you were, the silly grin stayed for days
then reality set in and it was back to your weary ways

I thought about you this summer when I was at Jacobs Field
remember that vendor that looked just like you?
he could have been your twin
I would kid you about him and you'd smile that silly grin
I saw him at the ball game you look so alike
I wanted to run up and hug him, to pretend that he was you
but reality set in once again and I didn't move a limb

When things got tough you would call me
I tried to steer you right
I was your favorite sister, I loved you with all my might

Why didn't you call me that fateful day?
I would have tried to help
Did you think about me and the rest of your family
when you hung yourself with your belt?

The demons finally became too much for you
just like in times past
but this time you really did it
you didn't survive this crash

I wonder what kind of man you could have become
if life hadn't dealt you the hand of cards you got
would you have married? had children? got a job?
what kind of life would you have had?

I guess I will never really know
what would have become of you now
I just have this terrible sadness
a void that is never replaced
it stays with me always

I have always loved you my brother
I guess I always will
the way you chose to leave this earth
haunts me to my very soul

I miss your laugh
hugs, companionship
little brother of mine
how could you leave us?
but most of all why?

Life was too much pressure
you had more downs than ups
and I think to myself
my little baby brother
who I love and always will
your life became a cruel joke
and you never had a chance

We buried you on your birthday
one of your favorite days
instead of opening up your gifts
we were grieving at your grave

You were suppose to outlive me
not the other way around
I will remember you always
until they bury me in the ground

I love you Mark

In loving memory of my little brother
Mark McCullough
March 24,1972-March 16,1999

Piglet2061 2003

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