Epinions Match Game 2003, Episode Three
Nov 18 '03
The Bottom Line I'm a very sick, sick person..................
Get ready to match the stars!
ginzo
Brett Somers
Jack Sommersby
antybean
Richard Dawson
and Patti Deutch
as we all play the star-studded big money Epinions Match Game 2003!!!
And here’s the star of Epinions Match Game 2003, Gene Rayburn!!!
(wild applause)
Gene: Thank you Johnny Olson and friends........ (turns to the panel) Well, after weeks of consideration, I felt I had no choice but to trot out this old, decaying warhorse once more......
Richard (looking around at the set): Hey, you’ve done some real redecorating since I’ve been out.
Gene: Yes, we have. For those of you who weren’t able to tune in last time, William Shatner destroyed much of the set because of his typical idiotic outbursts. One benefit is that no longer does this set look as tacky as it did back in the 1970’s. All that would complete the puzzle if if me and Richard stop wearing plaid suits!
Brett (loudly): I don’t like it! (before she takes a drink of her so-called “club soda”) And where’s Charles?
Gene (sardonically): Brett Somers, the queen of daytime, ladies and gentlemen!
Richard: Where is Mr. Nelson Reilly anyway?
Gene: I’m not sure, actually. I thought that he was returning to the set along with you and Brett, but he’s seemed to have vanished.
Brett: This Jack Sommersby guy is sitting in his chair.
Jack: All the better to get a nice long look at that quirky but strangely fascinating lady sitting below me. Ms. Deutch, have you appeared in any movies?
Patti: A few here and there.
(as Patti speaks, antybean grimaces, as if somebody ran one’s finger nails down a blackboard)
Jack: Any specific nude scenes that I should be aware of?
Patti: No... no upper frontals or lower frontals .... I keep those to myself.
(Brett looks at Jack, in a mixture of astonishment and offense)
Brett: Mr. Sommersby, here you are sitting beside a woman of high caliber such as myself and you don’t even have the nerve to ask me if I have ever done any nude scenes that you should be aware of........
Jack: (attempting to visualize such a scenario) O... Okay, Brett...... um, have you... uh, have you done any nude scenes of.... of note?
Brett: (squints her eyes, speaks in a low, almost menacing voice) No, I haven’t......
Richard: Gene, can I say something?
Gene: Okay, what is it, Richard. You do realize that CBS only gives us half an hour per episode, do you?
Richard: Yes, well, as you surely remember......
Gene: Anything that has aired on television at least two and a half hours previous is, more often than not, quickly forgotten by the television audience, but go ahead.......
Richard: Well, as you most definitely remember, then, it wasn’t too long ago when I was severely wounded on this very program by a feisty woman with the name of millinocket. Don’t feel sorry for me, though. I guess she just tripped over something and just accidentally let her knee fall hard against my crotch. (chuckles nervously)
Gene (mockingly): Oh, so you weren’t hitting on her then?
Richard (pretends to be oblivious to Gene’s statement): No, I would never do such a thing. Yes, yes, it’s true..... the shock of the blow did raise my emotions a little bit higher than they should have been, and I may have said some things on the air that I now regret. But the boys over at CBS, luckily for her, disregarded my star status and the irresponsible comments that I’m permitted to express from time to time, and decided that millinocket ought to get another chance at the network. You can now watch Sue, the Six Million Dollar Soccer Mom, and it’s on every week after CSI, so it’s sure to be a big hit.
(applause from the audience)
Gene: You know, Richard, I heard through the Hollywood grapevine that a certain prior star of Family Feud makes a cameo appearance...........
*******************************
(Sue confronts this week’s villain are in a cold, empty warehouse)
Sue: Who are you?
Villain: I’m humanity’s worst nightmare.
Sue: I can see that. But you didn’t answer my question.
Villain: I am someone who’s one step away from world domination! I’ve got a secret that I’ve never told anyone else about before..... you see, all those world leaders.... didn’t die of natural causes! (steps closer to Sue as he speaks) The Prime Minister of England? He didn’t really have that little irregular heart beat that suddenly metamorphosed in to something worse. The President of the United States? He didn’t really choke on another pretzel. The Prime Minister of Canada? He didn’t really get mad-cow disease from eating so many hamburgers in an attempt to prove to the world that Canada didn’t have a mad-cow epidemic. (evil laugh) Such silly naive talk -- the fools!!
Sue (mystified): But.... how did you do it? We’re in an empty room. I don’t see any weapons. I don’t see anything that a standard terrorist or villain would use.
(Sue and the villain are mere inches away from each other at this point)
Villain (smirking): No, you don’t see anything. I’ve got something that no terrorist, no villain, nobody, has .... it’s right under my nose....... (he moves his face even closer to Sue’s)
(a crescendo on the soundtrack as Sue discovers the final piece of the puzzle; the villain closes his eyes and prepares himself for a kiss!)
Sue (melodramatically): Oh My God! It’s the Kiss of Death!!
(the screen freeze-frames at the moment when Sue’s knee makes contact with the groin area, and the villain makes a pained grimace.)
************************************
(audience applauds at the clip)
Richard: Now... it must be said that a stunt crotch was used in that particular scene. No dirty old game show hosts were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
Gene: That’s good.
Richard: It was backstage where she gave me the real doozy. I think she’s taking me to court for all my residuals from the last twenty five years of Match Game. I think she’s even going to garnish all my earning from Hogan’s Heroes, for God sake’s!! I mean, even I’ve forgotten about that series! So I’m going to make an announcement, that I’m countersuing for half of her earnings, since I was at the receiving end of the situation that has made her a conversation piece in all of the households of America, and that, having .... discovered..... this new and unique talent, I should receive my fair share of the profits.
Gene: Anyway, we must introduce the contestants. (the stage spins around to reveal the two contestants in their seats. One contestant just happens to be the elusive Charles Nelson Reilly.)
Gene (stunned): Charles!! What are you doing there?
Charles: Frankly, Gene, I had enough of sitting in the upper tier for the last two decades so I wanted to see how the other half lived. And I like it.
Gene: But you do realize that you can’t win any money. It just wouldn’t be fair to the second contestant, Charles. You already know the nuances of the game, and you’re sure to win no matter what happens.
Charles: Oh come on, Gene. It’s not like I’m making 20 million dollars a picture or anything. A poor kid with two fingers working in a sweatshop in Asia probably makes more money than I do.
Gene: That’s Charles Nelson Rielly from a two-thousand dollar a month apartment in Los Angeles. Now, tell us about yourself.
Contestant No. 2: My name is Saddam Hussein from Baghdad.
Charles (sarcasm): It just wouldn’t be fair to the second contestant, Charles?
Gene (hand upon forehead): I kept saying to myself, Gene, third time’s the charm, third time’s the charm!
Charles: More like three strikes and you’re out. I think I hear Mark Goodson crawling out of his grave so he can pull you back in with him!
Gene: Okay.... Saddamn.... tell us a bit about yourself.........
Saddamn: Infidel of the American Game Show, you think you know everything. You are so worldly and wise, which makes you evil. You’re evil because you haven’t lived the sheltered, one-sided life that I have --- you actually believe in democracy, freedom, fairness, women’s rights, all of which are anathema to my world view, which is that we must follow a God that doesn’t really exist, that we must only read one Book, and believe every word in it, or else go to a Hell which doesn’t really exist either. And, also, that I must run the world and every body in it, because it’s so much fun!!!
Gene: There’s a lot of Americans who also act that way too, you know. They just have their own God and their own Book. Sort of like the Pepsi to your Coke.
Charles: Yea, but I’d rather be part of our Pepsi generation than associate myself with that Coke-head beside me!
Gene: True. Our generation has the Supreme Court and the First Amendment. What do you have?
Saddamn (more volatile, not paying attention): And it’s bad enough that you and your evil kind exist, but you have to meddle in my affairs as well. And you do it so cleverly! I believed all your lies when you helped me out during the Iran-Iraq war in the late 1970’s. You let me go in so I could try to steal their oil. But then, all of a sudden, you showed your true colors......... like when I took over Kuwait. I was in debt... I owed those guys billions of dollars. I just didn’t want to pay them, so I took over their country. Surely,you could have understood that! But .... you stopped me!! Then, you guys wanted to go for a little treasure hunt, but you were stamping your feet like little children when I kept telling you that the treasure wasn’t here, so please go home........ but you would not go home. You disgraced me and my country, and then kicked me out and took it over. You stopped me again.
(shaking his fist, yelling much louder) But this time, you devils....this time.... you will not stop me from what I want to do!!!
Gene: And what would that be?
Saddamn: I want to win the Match Game, and kiss Richard Dawson!! (slams his fist upon the desk)
(applause and catcalls from the audience; Richard looks embarrassed)
Gene: We’ve got ourselves a very eager player this afternoon, folks! This could be an exciting match........... well, first question is for Charles! Here goes:
Former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore said, “I hate those Commie Federal Judges who told me to remove the Ten Commandments from my courtroom! Don’t they understand that God is the only authority that we should have. I should know. Because He blanks me every evening!”
(think music plays while panel banters, writes down answers, etc)
Gene: Okay, Charles............ Roy Moore said that God is the only authority that we should have, and I should know because he blanks me every evening?
Charles (sarcastically as usual): The minds of those Match Game writers are devil’s playgrounds, aren’t they. I know that this might throw off the whole.... linguistic construction of your question there, but the best thing I could come up with “He plants a burning bush in my garden every evening.”
Gene: Now, you see, that’s the problem. Your answers are too good to be said in the contestant’s chair... you really should get back to the panel where you belong.
Charles (false sadness): I don’t know..... I don’t think Brett misses me one bit.......
Jack (seizing a possible opportunity): I don’t mind one bit if I have to sit down there instead of up here with Brett.
ginzo: Of course Angry Jack wouldn’t mind, because he gets to sit down there with his good buddy Saddamn, and throw sh*t at the American people, who just want to watch a nice, innocent little game show.
Jack: Oh yea, and you’re an excellent role model to be on a nice family program!! Supporting an antidemocratic president like Shrub! (prepares to make more accusations toward ginzo)
Gene: Now why don’t you guys just shut up and give me your answers!
ginzo (fumbling): Well... I... I.... um, okay, Gene..... I said that God talks to him every evening.......
Gene: Brett?
Brett (rolls her eyes): Talks!
Gene: Jack?
Jack: Talks......
Gene: Antybean?
Jack: Talks!
Gene: Richard?
Richard: I said that he speaks to him.
Gene (sarcastically): Great, a differently-worded answer! Patti?
Patti: I said that God did Monty Hall impersonations to him every night.
(antybean’s left eye begins to twitch)
Gene: See? What did I tell you, Charles?
Charles: I’ll do better in the second round, Gene!
Gene: Sure! Now, this is for Saddamn.......
Old Man Periwinkle said, “At the old folks home, we watched Madonna kiss Britney Spears on the TV. At my age, I’d be lucky to kiss blank on the TV.”
(music plays, panel banters, decides answers, etc.)
Gene: Ginzo.... Jack.......no shenanigans now, okay.
Ginzo and Jack (simultaneously): It’s not me, it’s him!
Gene: (to the camera) This is what happens when two people from the opposite sides of the political spectrum get together....... they bicker like a married couple who can’t stand each other! Get a divorce, why don’t you? The children are miserable!
.....so, Saddamn, “At the old folks home, we watched Madonna kiss Britney Spears on the TV. At my age, I’d be lucky to kiss blank on the TV.........?”
Saddamn (shocked): Infidels!!!
Gene: Infidels..... somehow I doubt that the rest of these dingbats had the same answer as you had.....
Saddamn: No! No! I meant, you are infidels for asking such a question. Two women kissing!!! That’s against God!!! Although I’m strangely intrigued by such an image... but you’re all still decadent infidels!!!
Gene: Ginzo......
Ginzo: I said Estelle Getty.
Gene: Ah, Sophia from the Golden Girls... she was quite funny, though. Brett?
Brett: I also said Estelle Getty.
Gene: Now I knew that you weren’t going to give the answer that I thought of. Jack?
Jack: I said Claire Danes...... I mean, that ugly potato nose?! I can’t believe that anyone would appreciate kissing that!
antybean: I said Richard! (laughter from the audience, as Richard looks embarrassed) I know I’d be very lucky to kiss Richard Dawson on the TV!
(catcalls from the audience)
Richard: It would be my pleasure, dear!
(antybean and Richard give each other a peck on the lips, as the audience continues its catcalls.)
Gene (laughing): Wow! And nobody got injured that time!
Richard: Of course not. She’s a lovely lady.......
Gene: Okay, Richard?
Richard: Actually, I said Brett.
Gene: Now that’s the answer I was expecting from everyone! I figured that it was an easy one!
Patti: I also said Brett Somers, before taking a drink of her alleged club soda.
(Brett pretends to look angry; antybean growls)
antybean: Can’t you stop speaking, Patti? I think I’m going to suffer an aneurism if you speak one more time!
Patti: Oh, poor antybean, you sound so hostile!
antybean: Yes, because your voice triggers that deep, dark part of my brain that makes me want to poke you in the eye with this marker!
(audience catcalls)
antybean: But... I don’t want to cause injury. Since you like to talk about Monty Hall so much, let’s make a deal. If you don’t come up with a stupid, crack-headed attempt at a witty answer to the next question, and actually give a sensible answer for once, I won’t stick your head down the toilet.
Patti: That depends. If I do come up with such an answer, will I get what’s behind door number three?
antybean: Grrrrrr!!!!!!! (taunting Patti) After the show, girl, after the show!!!
Gene: Well, it looks as if the score is tied zero to zero, and that the fate of the free world hangs in the balance.....
*
(Saddamn wins the second round, mainly because his outburst of “oil” after being read the question, just happened to match all six stars. He was also able to win the Audience Match. Yet again he used “oil”, for the phrase blank slick, winning the five hundred dollars. Oil Slick beat out Grace Slick, of the Jefferson Airplane, and Grease Slick.)
*
Gene: Well, Saddamn, I must admit that I’ve never seen you as happy as you are right now! All those television clips of you over the years gave me the impression that you were an angry despot, not a giggly game show contestant who’s about to win thousands of dollars.
Saddamn: I’m so excited; I want to spin the Star Wheel! Can I, can I???
Gene: Why, sure you can, as you know, the......
(Saddamn can’t wait for Gene to explain the Star Wheel, and runs over to spin it)
Gene: Ah.... well, anyway, if the wheel stops on the name of any one of the six stars, Saddamn will try to match that star for five thousand dollars. But if the wheel stops on the right place on the wheel, marked by one of the star symbols on the wheel, he can double that money and play for ten thousand dollars..........
(the audience cheers as the wheel is spun; the wheel slows down, and lands on Richard’s name. It also stops on a star symbol.)
Gene: Wow! Now that’s a stroke of serendipity if I ever knew of one! It looks like you’re playing with Richard for ten thousand dollars!
(Saddamn’s face is brighter than it’s ever been before; Richard looks terrified)
Gene: Now, this may be your path to victory!
Sunset Blank
(music plays, Richard writes down his answer and places it in the slot.)
Gene: Okay, Saddamn. For ten thousand dollars, Sunset Blank.......
Saddamn: You know, despite my hatred for you Americans, I am endlessly fascinated with Hollywood movies......... The Godfather, Lawrence of Arabia, those are my most favorite movies ever. And I’d love to walk down the street of ... Sunset Boulevard!
Gene: Now let’s hope that you matched Richard........
Richard (rolls his eyes, he must accept his fate. He holds up his card, which says “Sunset Boulevard.”) Saddamn, please be gentle.............
(Saddamn jumps around, as giddy as a school girl. He begins to run over to Richard, but, at this moment, an unknown man runs from backstage to restrain Saddamn)
Saddamn: What... what is the meaning of this???
Gene: The jig is up, Saddamn. This was nothing less than an elaborate sting operation. This entire audience is comprised of undercover CIA agents, U.S. military, and a lot of greedy American oil company executives.
(Saddamn is shocked)
Saddamn: Damn it, you’ve done it to me again!!! I just wanted to kiss Richard.
Richard: Ha ha!! Sucker!!!
antybean: Ahh, I feel so much better now, Richard. I didn’t want to kiss you again after that awful human being had his way with you.
Richard: I must say that I’m relieved too.
Gene: So, Saddamn, how do you feel?
Saddamn: Deeply betrayed! How dare you!!!
Gene: Well, that’s what happens when you are an evil dictator who flys in the face of all reason and logic
And here’s Johnny Olsen to tell you what you’ve won!!!!!
(wild applause)
Johnny: Here’s a ride that you’ll never forget in your new car!!!
This standard issue U.S. military jeep can handle itself over all terrain from the smoothest highway to the most rugged Afghanistan desert. It also contains a cover that protects the back seat from many things, including prying eyes who might witness any unauthorized torture of admittingly deserving targets..........
And after that exhausting drive, you deserve a week-long stay in Cuba!!! A week long stay in the U.S. military controlled Guantometo Bay region, where you can experience the pounding heat, as you perform hard labor, experience a wide assortment of physical and psychological tortures, and sleep in a sleek, comfy metal floor surrounded by impenetrable concrete.
And finally, what better way to finish off your vacation with a slow, somber walk in front of a firing squad?
Ten men show off their remarkable accuracy as they nominate you as their special guest and special target. Your stunned eyes will watch in amazement as these ten gentlemen force you to rethink your entire life in the span of two or three seconds.
And all this can be yours if .... The Price is Right... oh, err, sorry Gene, I forgot that I haven’t announced the Price is Right since I passed away in 1985.
Gene: Oh, that’s okay, Johnny O, old habits die hard, even more so than old game show announcers.
Johnny: Speaking of which, Rod Roddy filled my shoes admirably. There will be nobody as good as Rod.....
Gene: Or you. Or Gene Wood. Or any of those wonderful guys.......... ah, those were the days, I tell you. When the networks actually filled their daytime schedules with silly game shows, instead of selling time for all those exploitative talk shows and dating shows and court shows......
(Saddamn is still seen struggling)
....oh, I almost forgot. Boys!?
(an armored jeep drives on stage, as a number of FBI agents exit, in order to better subdue the deposed Iraqi dictator)
Brett: I can’t believe what happened here today. So... you were in on this the whole time?
Gene: Yes, I was. And so was Charles. Why do you think we had him play a contestant? A real contestant might have inadvertently beat Saddamn and we wouldn’t have been able to capture him at his most vulnerable.... which is when he’s this close to kissing Richard Dawson, as are most of the contestants on this show........
Brett: You must have been in on it too, weren’t you, Richard?
Gene (sly smile): No, no, that was just my version of psychological torture.... we have to burst Mr. Dawson’s bubble and bring him back down to earth occasionally.
Richard (muttering to himself): Why did I ever agree to come back on this show.........?
Brett (appearing emotionally touched): So..... Charles, you mean you really didn’t mean what you said about preferring to sit over there?
Charles: Oh, Brett, stop drinking that club soda, you know how irrational and emotional you get when you imbibe excessively.......
Brett (her voice cracking, she spreads her arms as if to hug him from thirty feet away): Oh, Charles!!
Charles (wanting to avoid emotion): Oh no, this is the Match Game, not Dr. Phil!
Jack: Ginz, I feel that I must come clean too..... I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you.
Ginzo: Oh, Angry Jack, no, I’m sorry... I’m sorry for calling you a stupid libertarian.
Jack: No, I’m sorry for calling you a drug dealer.
Ginzo: I’m more sorry than you are.
Jack: No, I am!
Gene: Tomato, Tom-at-o, let’s call the whole thing off!
Well, thank you for watching Epinions Match Game 2003, and for making it, well, the most popular game show on Epinions! Now I don’t foresee any new episodes this year, but if we must bring back this program, we might as well do it right......
(a new sign drops onto the stage saying “Epinions Match Game 2004”)
....... Happy New Year, everyone!!!
(Gene, Johnny Olson, and the entire panel -- including Charles Nelson Reilly, who has strayed from his contestants seat to return to his rightful place -- break out in a rendition of “Auld Lang Syne”, as streamers and balloons fall from the ceiling)
(the final credits roll over an image of FBI officers subduing the former Iraqi dictator)
This is Johnny Olsen speaking for Epinions Match Game 2004!
A Mark Goodson-Bill Todman-Operation Iraqi Freedom Production.
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Epinions.com ID:
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
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About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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