thevoid99's Indie Splendor # 1
Nov 19 '03
The Bottom Line A comical musing on indie-film celebrities wallowing on their own misery as they struggle with fame and artistic pursuits.
thevoid99’s Indie Splendor # 1: Maggie Gyllenhaal on “Oprah”
Note: The following is a fictional account on the subject so it has nothing to do with real people or their personalities. This is just fiction, or is it?
(Chicago Hotel as Maggie is on the phone with her agent)
Maggie: I got to be on Oprah now?
Maggie’s Agent: Yes, you have to be on Oprah. It’s good for the publicity for “Mona Lisa Smile”.
Maggie: Ok, I was willing to the thing for “Entertainment Weekly” but I don’t know if I want to do this, I don’t watch the show. It’s too generic for my taste.
Maggie’s Agent: But Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Stiles want you to do it.
Maggie: Fine then. (hangs up phone) F*ck!
(A few days later, 2 days before Oprah show in Chicago at a posh clothing store)
Kirsten: Jake gave this recently (showing Maggie a bracelet), it was great.
Maggie: Oh, that’s nice. Why in the hell am I forced to wear beige?
Julia R.: It’s because me, Julia, and Kirsten are the ones more well-known, you are known for being subversive and for that, you have to stick out so people will know you. Trust me Maggie, you’ll have a good time.
Maggie (thinking): Yeah right, I’ll puke in this outfit. God, I hate beige.
Julia R.: Plus, they want to say this and that. Look, I know it’s boring and everything but sometimes, you have to kiss *ss for the game. I’m not f*cking Meg Ryan you know. Trying to be sexy and take my clothes off to be edgy. I just play it safe and experiment with a bit. Sure, I’ll work with Steven Soderbergh again but maybe something less experimental. By the way, whatever happened to that “In God’s Hands” project with Peter?
Maggie (now wearing the beige outfit): I don’t know, Peter recently said it was in the can because the film was shot out of focus. Now, I get the title, “In God’s Hands”. He’s been calling about the project but he also has to do interviews promoting “Shattered Glass”. I’ll call him tonight, if he’s available.
Kirsten: You look great!
Maggie: (sarcastically) Yippee-freakin’-do
(Later that night, Maggie calls Peter Sarsgaard on phone)
Maggie: So, you don’t know anything that’s going on.
Peter: Of course not, maybe it’ll never come out. I hear you’re going to be on Oprah.
Maggie: Yeah, it sucks.
Peter: I’ll say, it’s one of my mom’s favorite shows. Oh man, she’ll be like, “that’s my son’s girlfriend”. Anything they asked you to bring?
Maggie: Yeah, a few family pics Kirsten got from Jake, including one with my parents when we were kids. Man, I feel like I’m using people to watch this generic piece-of-crap. Why can’t they go see “Casa de Los Babys”? I did a much better job in that film. I worked with John Sayles and he gave me some freedom.
Peter: I know, but again, play the game. Just kiss a few people’s butts and you’ll do fine. Besides, I bet your fans will watch it.
Maggie: Yeah, 10 of them including a webmistress and some guy named Void who always post some news at a web forum and writes positive stuff about me, though he did admit, he didn’t like my performance in “Riding in Cars with Boys”. Man, I can’t watch that film. Call you after the show?
Peter: Sure, I love you honey.
Maggie: I love you too, good night.
(Day of Oprah show as Maggie, Julia Stiles, Julia Roberts, and Kirsten wait backstage)
Julia S.: I can’t believe this. Kirsten, have you been reading this?
Kirsten: What?
Julia S.: They keep talking about that godd*mn Scarlett Johansson and her upcoming role in “Girl with a Pearl Earring” in this magazine.
Kirsten: Man, I could’ve had that role but they said I was “too cute”. What does she have that we don’t have?
Maggie: Easy, a better acting background, worked with the right directors, and has more range for someone about to turn 19. You haven’t seen “Lost in Translation”?
Kirsten and Julia S.: No.
Maggie: She was great in it and she’ll do a great job in “Girl with a Pearl Earring”. Face it, she’s ahead of both of you in range, maturity, and depth.
Kirsten (mocking Maggie): Range, maturity, and depth. Oh, Julia there you are.
Julia R.: Hey ladies, I was just talking to Oprah about our last romp together drinking margaritas and stuff.
Julia S.: Whoo-hoo!
Kirsten: Killer!
Maggie: (unamused) Wow.
Oprah’s producer: Ok ladies, now you all know that a lot of the audience is mostly college women who just saw the film. Just like you know, they all love it (gives thumbs up).
Maggie: Oh come on, I bet there were those who thought it was a generic, boring, pointless chick-flick remake of “Dead Poet’s Society” with no funnyman.
Oprah’s producer: No, they all loved it. Even Oprah. It looks like you’ll get another Oscar Mrs. Roberts; even you ladies might get nominations.
Julia R.: Cool
Julia S. and Kirsten: Sweet!
Maggie: (mock cheer) Hooray!
Oprah’s producer: Now in five minutes Mrs. Roberts, they’ll want you in first then after 20-30 minutes, you’ll introduce Ms. Dunst and then in another ten minutes after the commercial break, you’ll go in Ms. Stiles. Then after another break and a few minutes, it’ll be your turn Ms. Gyllenhaal and please, smile.
(Maggie makes mock smile then sticks her tongue out)
Oprah’s producer: All right ladies, break a leg.
Maggie: I feel like a total chode.
Julia R.: Look, I know you want to stay in the indie circuits. Don’t worry; you might get a nomination, think what it will do for your career if you win. Everyone will know your name… (Maggie thinks of what will happen and it’s not pretty)
(Dream Sequence)
Maggie getting her pictures taken, playing crap generic Hollywood roles that will bomb and people saying, “Who was that woman who also won an Oscar but failed to capitalize on it? Jigga-what? Jiggy-holly?” List of Best Supporting Oscar winners who are losers: Angelina Jolie, Cuba Gooding Jr., Mira Sorvino, Marisa Tomei, and Maggie…
(End Dream Sequence)
Julia R.: And if you don’t win, fine. Just try to have fun and do your indie films. You’ll get an Oscar soon enough. Right ladies?
Julia S. and Kirsten: Yeah, sure.
(Maggie sweating in shock)
Oprah’s producer: Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Winfrey is ready for you.
Julia R.: Thanks. All right ladies, watch me do and Maggie?
Maggie: What?
Julia R.: Drink something; you look like you’re in shock. (Julia R. walks out to Oprah’s studio).
Oprah: Ladies & Gentlemen, Julia Roberts (audience cheers)
Kirsten: Girlfriend, look at her. All professional and all cool. And to think, she’s actually normal.
Julia S.: I know, I still got to finish that term paper though. Hey Maggie, you OK?
Maggie (drinking water with one huge swig): Yeah, I’m fine. (Sits on couch wearing the lame beige pants and shirt while watching Julia talking to Oprah as Kirsten drones on about Jake and Julia S. talking about how great “Mona Lisa Smile” is going to do for her career).
(20-30 minutes later)
Oprah’s producer: Ok Ms. Dunst, you’re ready to take the stage.
Kirsten: Thanks. Well now, it’s time for me to take charge. Oscar, here I come (Kirsten walks out).
Julia S.: You want some gum?
Maggie: No, I’m fine. Man, I hate these shows. “Addicted Suburban Women”, oh how tragic. What’s really tragic is this country run by an idiot while there’s people fighting for us getting killed over bullsh*t. You know what I’m saying?
Julia S. (talking on cell phone): Yeah, this is great. I haven’t seen Oprah in years; man this is going to be good.
Maggie: Of course, no one gives a sh*t about what I want.
Oprah’s producer: Ms. Stiles, they’re ready for you.
Julia S.: Cool, I’m ready (Julia S. walks out).
Maggie (thinking): This is the hell of promoting a bland, mainstream film. Why did I even put myself to do this? My character’s a total slut and I wanted to this be challenging for me but no, they want me to be more Hollywood. Man, Hollywood sucks. I better stay indie or else I’ll end up being dull and just be known as the girl who gets her *ss spanked by James Spader.
Oprah’s producer: Ms. Gyllenhaal, they’re ready for you.
Maggie: Thanks, (talking to herself) well here we go.
(Days later after the taping as Maggie watches the show with Kirsten, Jake, and Peter and Maggie is in total disgust).
Maggie: I’m a f*cking tool!
Peter: Oh, it’s not that bad. It could’ve been worse.
Jake: Yeah, at least I got mentioned. More press for me and “The Day After Tomorrow” which will do great for my career, right snookie-pums?
Kirsten: Right pootie-pop?
Peter: Ok, those are lame-*ss names. Come on Maggie, it wasn’t that bad.
Maggie: Yes it was, I talked about being sexual when really, it’s just between you and me. Man, I can’t believe I did this. What will my indie fans think?
(Miles away are the indie fans, here’s one comment)
Void: That was excruciating, I don’t think I want to see that again. No wonder guys don’t like Oprah.
Another Fan: Man, she’s going to become a total sellout.
Another Fan #2: I just hope she does a great performance and not win the Oscar. She just better stay indie.
Kirsten: Oh come on, you did great. You’ll get more fans.
Maggie: Yeah, and maybe they’ll watch “Criminal”, if it’s marketed well.
Jake: Plus you got “Strip Search”, that will probably get you an Emmy or a Golden Globe.
Maggie: Oh great. I hope things don’t get worse. I don’t want to be seen as some depressed, frustrated actress trying to compromise her artistic integrity with stardom. I just want to be a versatile actress that will keep exciting film fans, notably in the indie-circuits, and have some success, artistically and hopefully, financially. I just hope no one remembers that I did Oprah or at least watch the after-show online or on Oxygen, that’s where I finally got to say something intelligent for once.
Peter: Yeah, besides, I don’t think they’ll make it a big deal. Who in their f*cked-up mind would write something about this?
(Strange guy typing about a story similar to this).
The End.
Written by thevoid99.
© thevoid99/Okrad/Ikebana Publishing.
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