RETURN OF THE MUSIC INTERVIEW 3: meet Voxpoptart Nov 20 '03 (Updated Nov 22 '03)    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Music The Dirtchamber Sessions, Vol. 1 by The Prodigy From $11 Jersey Boys [Original Broadway Cast Recording] by Original Broadway Cast From $8 The Bottom Line You ain't seen nothin' yet. Have you ever wondered how voxpoptart (Bokonin) and I (louderthandrew1) would fare, once pitted against each other in an epic rap battle? Me neither, but how deprived we all are for not thinking of it before. Read on. LouderThanDrew1: Voxpoptart. Brian. MC Funkee Shaznit. You're a man of many names; what should I call you? Bokonin: The Dude. No, wait, wrong movie. Brian is fine. LouderThanDrew1: Gotcha. Brian. Got a stack of questions for you. Fifty-two notecards, buddy! Bokonin: Fifty-two notecards and nuthin' on. Check. LouderThanDrew1: I'm just playin'. I don't prepare for these things. Whether that's scarier or not, you decide.... anyway..... Bokonin: I've seen you freestyle. I know the true meaning of fear. LouderThanDrew1: We all know that your Epinions rock the sock off a Chili Pepper's foot. But what writers do you never, ever miss? Bokonin: Well, i do have a way of leaving my ratings five days after the epinions get posted. ADHD, no alarm clock, all that. But there's lotsa great writers. Shilmafone, teamfreak16: all these weird bands even i've never heard of, great writing. PLorentz, writes all these weird "concept" reviews that i used to pretend weren't real reviews, til i admitted i'm just jealous and don't know how to write'em. Hmm... Bokonin: Stairway2Drew, Guildenstern, the late great headlessparrot: someone has to write good stuff about the bands i have heard of. Blksqul, to remind me i still have a bunch of old cassettes buried under my bed. Caffeinatedyak, to stage long arguments with his favorite pop stars! And to use exclamation points! Bokonin: And, of course, when Sting and David Bowie collaborate on their operatic death-metal album, i'll be able to count on bob_tomato, cdm72, daumco, and vanwarp to let me know. And omophagia to explain why the country stations don't play it. LouderThanDrew1: Speaking of which, open message to omophagia: write more. Please. Bokonin: [Absolutely] right. (Oh, and there's a decent chance shadesofblue will talk about sex in any review. I'm missing lots of good writers, though. Sorry all!) LouderThanDrew1: Since you've witnessed firsthand (sorta) my freestyling, who do you think could effectively match me in a rap bizzattle, 8 Mile-style? Bokonin: You vs. Aesop Rock, eight rounds, no knockouts allowed until the paramedics come. LouderThanDrew1: Bladow. LouderThanDrew1: How about on Epinions? Keep in mind that whoever you choose I will actually battle. Or pester until they tell me to buzz off. Bokonin: Wow. How about punkrawka? Or minorthreat78? I bet Nikita would take you up on it in a flash. LouderThanDrew1: Hear that? Y'all been called out..... LouderThanDrew1: Let's switch things up. Guessing game time. Bokonin: Ok! LouderThanDrew1: Judging from intelligence, maturity, and overall demeanor, roughly how old would you say I am? Bokonin: 32. LouderThanDrew1: What color? Bokonin: A bright yellow, with four fingers per hand. LouderThanDrew1: Dude, you RULE at this. LouderThanDrew1: What geographic location? Bokonin: You have a taint of the ex-New Jerseyite about you - but i wouldn't think you're there now. LouderThanDrew1: If I were a band.... what band would I be? LouderThanDrew1: And no Pearl Jam. It's the easy way out. Bokonin: Yeah, i know. It's more fun picking a band you probably haven't heard of yet - so i'm pondering. Piebald, maybe. (They're local, you can check their concerts and decided if you've been insulted.) Bokonin: Except no. They don't try to be black. Bokonin: Well, neither do you. But they don't even consider it. LouderThanDrew1: Fair enough. LouderThanDrew1: If I were to be talking with any other Epinions member at the moment, who would it be? Bokonin: I'll let you be ... Buck 65. Rapping, creative, smart, but with an unavoidable touch of the genetic hick. Next question ... well, you should talk with shadesofblue. Cuz she's cool. And wears a bandanna. LouderThanDrew1: Do you like movies? Bokonin: Yep. LouderThanDrew1: Name me a favorite or five. Bokonin: Lawn Dogs. Dead Poets Society. Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Little Shop of Horrors. Dancer in the Dark. LouderThanDrew1: No Dreamcatcher? LouderThanDrew1: I keed. Bokonin: Shiitweasels! Bokonin: There should be a band called that. LouderThanDrew1: I'm not sure what part of that movie was funnier.... the butthole-plumbing aliens or Morgan Freeman's crew-cut.... LouderThanDrew1: I'm toying with a sequel called Analiens. Anyway..... Bokonin: HA! Bokonin: There's a Boston band called Anal [see you next Tuesday*]. There's a Boston band called Double-Dong too. Your movie would so mark you as part of your town. LouderThanDrew1: Would you like to be in a movie? Any answer's fine as long as it's yes. Bokonin: Yes. LouderThanDrew1: Let me pitch this script to you.. Bokonin: *listens* LouderThanDrew1: You're an acoustic guitar player who loves nothing more than to perform at your nearest T station. Your wife, Melody, thinks you're crap and leaves you for jerkface Gary, lead singer of Gary and the Sh-tweasels, a rival band who often show up to your gigs and try to drown you out. You record an album out of heartache and go multi-platinum, only to have a slick PR guy and faux mentor dupe you into going electric. Only the love of your ex-wife's sister, Jeannie, brings you back down to earth, and to the music you know and love. LouderThanDrew1: Cast the following roles: LouderThanDrew1: Melody, Gary, slick PR guy, and Jeannie. For bonus points, name the "gangsta" rapper you collaborate with when you finally sell out. LouderThanDrew1: And for extra super bonus points, the song you collaborate on. Bokonin: Melody, obviously, is Michelle Pfeiffer: she won my heart teaching those inner-city kids to like Bob Dylan, but then i realized that (1) Bob Dylan can't sing anymore and (2) Michelle Pfeiffer's kinda smarmy. Bokonin: Gary is the late Bon Scott of AC/DC, made alive again by the finest CGI technology. The tux, she can't resist the tux. Bokonin: PR guy is James Marsters from Buffy - he has that smooth English accent/ leather jacket thing going, and the confidence, i couldn't resist the confidence. Bokonin: And Jeannie gets to be Alicia Silverstone, cuz she was my first movie crush, and what has she ever done to earn my disloyalty? (Plus she's a babe) Bokonin: As for the rapper... hm. It's a double sell-out: that dude from The Streets is sick of being nerdy and funny, so he's relying on my subway street cred to make him bad. LouderThanDrew1: See, now THIS is a movie I'd see. Bokonin: Excellent! I know a girl who knows a guy who makes B-movies. Maybe he can help us pull it off. Bokonin: Oh, and Mike Skinner (the Streets guy) and i collaborate on the megahit "Weak Become Toast". LouderThanDrew1: Now I just want the soundtrack.... LouderThanDrew1: In real-life, do you play any instruments/write any songs/bust any rhymes? Bokonin: I play keyboards badly. I play air-drums really well. When i can afford a set of electronic drums, i'll teach myself to play them. I very occasionally write songs. Bokonin: And if you want to make me freestyle, you may. The Ian Anderson album ended, so the flute won't mess me up. Just my incompetence will. LouderThanDrew1: Wow. I didn't even think of that..... LouderThanDrew1: ....until NOW! Ba ha ha. LouderThanDrew1: Let me think of a creative way to do this. Bokonin: Well, let's talk about other stuff and distract me, so you can take me by surprise. That's how it's supposed to go. LouderThanDrew1: EXACTLY what I was thinking. LouderThanDrew1: Let's move on to something that's a distant cousin of freestyle.... FINISH THAT LYRIC. LouderThanDrew1: You know the name of the game: I give you a song lyric, you finish it, with the lone rule that it must not be the correct lyric. Bokonin: Oh wow. Puggy raised the bar on that one, bigtime. LouderThanDrew1: MADE the bar, technically (that was the first time I tried this particular game). Bokonin: Even more impressive! LouderThanDrew1: Let's tear the roof off, Parliament style. First lyric: LouderThanDrew1: "don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...." Bokonin: "be fooled by those rocks over there! Right now! Ohmigod look!" LouderThanDrew1: "well I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday...." Bokonin: "even the stuff that was really Monday". LouderThanDrew1: "well i'm upper-upper-class high society, God's gift to ballroom notoriety...." Bokonin: "But my so-obnoxious piety is standing in the way". LouderThanDrew1: "i have not been home since you left long ago...." Bokonin: (I should've worked "sobriety" into that last one somehow) Bokonin: "cuz it's too cheap a rathole with all of my dough". LouderThanDrew1: "somebody told me that this planet was small, we used to live in the same building on the same floor...." Bokonin: "It was always so weird seeing Saturn halfway down the hall, and the Martians downstairs fired their rayguns all night through the door". LouderThanDrew1: "stacey's mom....." Bokonin: "is 25 years older and wrinklier than Stacy". LouderThanDrew1: "one day you're gonna have to face a deep dark truthful mirror...." Bokonin: "and learn that vampires show up after all". LouderThanDrew1: Switch gears. Do you have a favorite band, or no? Bokonin: I have several, depending on mood. LouderThanDrew1: Dare I ask whom? Bokonin: Oh! Sure. They Might Be Giants. Rheostatics. The Loud Family. And although i've memorized all their songs and don't actually have to listen to them, the Boomtown Rats, who got me into rock music four years after they'd already broken up (damn quitters). LouderThanDrew1: Hey! There's an idea. Favorites. LouderThanDrew1: What's your favorite...... soft drink? Bokonin: Diet Dr. Pepper. (Yes, i am a nerd. And not a real doctor.) LouderThanDrew1: ....Al Pacino movie? Bokonin: Glengarry Glen Ross. LouderThanDrew1: .....portrayal of Satan on film? Bokonin: Book of Life, played by Thomas Jay Ryan. And before you ask, best angel? Chris Rock in Dogma. LouderThanDrew1: .....Pearl Jam song? Bokonin: "Jeremy". With a soft spot in my heart for "Bugs". Bokonin: (Or soft spot in my brain. It's hard to tell.) LouderThanDrew1: .....live performer? Bokonin: They Might Be Giants. Bokonin: Or Laurie Anderson. LouderThanDrew1: ......'80s benefit recording? Bokonin: I kinda like "Do They Know It's Christmas". Good 'ol synthpop. LouderThanDrew1: (yes!) LouderThanDrew1: .....ice cream flavor? Bokonin: Do we get to hear your favorite live performer, incidentally? Bokonin: Ice cream .... many many Ben & Jerry flavors, but i'll vote for Fudge Central. LouderThanDrew1: Pearl Jam. Predictable, for me, but..... whoo-doggie. Big ups to The Roots, though. What can I say? I'm a Philly boy at heart. Bokonin: I loved Phrenology. Bokonin: Cindy speaks up: she says she saw the Roots in Philly. Before my time, but: Whoo! LouderThanDrew1: Yayuh! Awesome live performers. Electric Factory, way back when. Yowza. Bokonin: As dangerous names for concert venues go, "Electric Factory" is good, but Cambridge still wins with "the Middle East". LouderThanDrew1: Hey, before we move on, one last favorite. LouderThanDrew1: Favorite Peanuts character? Bokonin: Linus. LouderThanDrew1: Oh, look at the time. It's already thirty-five past BOSTON WHITE-BOY FREESTYLE TIME! And you thought I forgot. Bokonin: Only dared to hope, only dared to hope. Okay, so the idea is, i make rhymes about how i rock and you, the general all-purpose non-Drew-specific challenger, totally suck. Right? LouderThanDrew1: Wait. I'm rapping too? LouderThanDrew1: Intriguing idea.... Bokonin: You don't need to - but i mean, that's the subject matter for me. Right? LouderThanDrew1: Ohhh, oh. Okay then. If I retaliate to a non-Brian-specific opponent, will you retort? And we can duke it out like two haunting spectres in the wind or something dramatic like that? Bokonin: I dunno. Let me have a few free posts, just to see if i get any flow going. If the mood hits you, jump in later. LouderThanDrew1: Sounds like a plan. LouderThanDrew1: In true "8 Mile" fashion.... DJ, SPIN THAT SHEEYAT! Bokonin: Got a start. "As spineless as an rebel watching 7th Heaven, an atheist eating bread unleavened, you lack conviction. You lack indictment". Bokonin: "You lack excitement. You only freestyle cuz watching 8 Mile made you Sieg Heil". LouderThanDrew1: (throws mofo-in' hands up in true 8 Mile form) Bokonin: "But if you met Rabbit, you'd run, you'd just turn Cottontail and flee like a snail from a Frenchman". Bokonin: "Cuz even my henchmen got more class. And me, i gots a cuter a-s-s. And even my brain mass would pass (if we're not too picky)". Bokonin: "I'm just too tricky, and politicky, and fo sho too busy. Fo the likes of you, with your IQ, i shoulda stuck to haiku". Bokonin: (So you better jump in before i bring out the "nyah"s and the "neener-neener"s) LouderThanDrew1: "yo, invisible opponent/ I see you standin' 'round like you wonderin' where ya ho went/ I'm jumpin' in on Brian's side/ we turnin' the tide/ for those rhymes we'll lock you up and make Big Bubba ya' bride/ so sit back and take it/ you can't flow, you fake it/ ya freestyle stankin' like the wind that I just breakded" Bokonin: "But i fake so good with my old thesaurus, i'll stomp you like a Spielberg dinosaursus/ it ain't the stink, it's the better noseplug/ and my safety-masked face beats your hideous mug". LouderThanDrew1: "you tryin' to throw me off-guard like Hitchcockery/ of the whole rap game you're making a big mockery/ you're like spinal tap without the spine, that leaves the tap/ and taps is what they'll be playing when my rhymes leave you pimp-slapped." Bokonin: "And taps is what i'll dance on my own grave/ i'm tough enough to beat the bloodiest shave/ amd a quick enough wit to stay 'stop this for a few'/ my wife's going to bed and that's worth being there for even if it don't rhyme". LouderThanDrew1: "i don't correctly understand your flow/ are we just takin' a breather or do you got to go?" [During this portion of the interview, Brian went to say goodnight to his wife. A long enough goodnight for me to freestyle the following. all alone with no interviewee i can feel the diarrhea comin' like a banshee now it ain't stoppin', it's poppin' like a cork feels alien like mindy's buddy mork no need for fear, or the glistening tear in my eye i gotta go so bad it's makin' me cry but i can't let it out i'm wearin' my good draws but if i leave the room i'll be drippin' down the halls this leaves me in a quand'ry tomorrow i'll either be shampooin' the rug or doin' laundry. Diarrhea freestyle? I would nip this whole rapping fascination in the bud if I wasn't having so much fun with it. Oooh, look, there's Brian.] Bokonin: So anyway, i was making a mockery of the whole rap game. So now what? LouderThanDrew1: Whatever. We can rap, I can pose questions, we can ponder philosophy. Your call. Bokonin: Either the questions or the philosophy, i'd vote. LouderThanDrew1: Righty-o. Let's get into some personal stuff. Do you have any vices? LouderThanDrew1: Drinking, smoking the wacky weed, farting? Bokonin: Well, i can fart in a feller's general direction if need be. And there's the whole compulsive sex addiction thingie, but that's very private and i shan't go into it. Also, i'll download off Kazaa the new songs that artists stick into their Best-Of collections. LouderThanDrew1: What was the last new song stuck on a Best-Of collection that you downloaded? Bokonin: Well, i haven't stolen the new Tori songs yet. But i stole the Liz Phair songs off her sell-out album that were only supposed to be available if you actually bought the album. (I did not download the songs from the album proper. I s'pose that's weird, but the secret songs are just supposed to be better songs.) Bokonin: For those in the dark, i just mean that there was her CD, and then you were able to go online with the CD and get bonus songs. Bokonin: Also, i should point out to any employees of the RIAA that all of this is lies and that you can't prove anything and that i want my mommy and waaaaah!. LouderThanDrew1: Winding down here..... first, the torch-passing. If you had your druthers, who would you like to see me interview next? Bokonin: I think we should try to poke someone out of semi-retirement, if possible. I'll give you a choice among cryptosicko, headlessparrot, or omophagia. Oh! Or kris-kochanski, who once wrote a mean review of Enya so she's a music reviewer too. LouderThanDrew1: And what about you? Can you maybe give the rest of us a hint as to what your next review may be of? Bokonin: Either the Dresden Dolls, who are an awesome new punk-cabaret-goth duo from Boston... or Tris McCall, whose latest album mentions me in the liner notes. Bokonin: Which is, like, amazingly cool. LouderThanDrew1: Whoah. You've arrived. Bokonin: Nah. But don't tell Tris that. Bokonin: Cuz i like him thinking i have. Bokonin: So you brag about something now. LouderThanDrew1: Me? I have access to Bruce Willis's high school yearbook.... says he wants to grow up and be a violinist. No joke. Bokonin: *applauds. literally* You win. LouderThanDrew1: Nah, you win. Bruce Willis doesn't know who I am. LouderThanDrew1: Well, Brian, you're an awesome fellow. Now, you know we usually wind down the interview by summing it up in some manner of poetry..... however.... yeah, we're still gonna do that. Bokonin: Poetry? I don't rememeber that part. Musta spaced out. How's that go? LouderThanDrew1: A haiku here, a freestyle there. Since we've done the freestyle, haiku it up. Bokonin: Mike Skinner turns bad / Bruce Willis gets blackmailed by / Jersey's best rapper. LouderThanDrew1: Brian, you're a swell guy, and a great lyricist to boot. Thanks for the interview, and until I transcribe my next victimization, I remain.... Drew. Get some sleep. * (c) MattA75

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