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~Clutter~Nov 22 '03 Write an essay on this topic.
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The pen in my hand is unsure Hovering as it does above the white lines Failing, apparently, to claim justice Over the clutter of my soul The clutter of my soul Is more than a mere untidy corner That can be simply tucked away from prying eyes But rather a complete room Not taken care of in a painfully long while........... This disorder was assisted by others Who I carelessly allowed inside Who I naively permitted to take jurisdiction Of my life........... ---- I ought to take all the blame however for what they left behind ------ you appeared in my life like one who answered an urgent message that I never sent. you opened the door your eyes peered around the edge you asked to be let in Why.....? Why did I let you in...... when I ought to be aware of what could occur when my surroundings were still unkempt, still bearing the damage from the past ..... maybe I’m a fool...... maybe you deserve better than to be a witness to my disarray maybe I deserve better than to make you suffer with my self-pity and narcissistic misery maybe you are here for a reason even in the eyes of someone who doesn’t believe in fate or perhaps doesn’t want to believe it ---- so many maybes ----- but I want to believe in you ........ that evening when we first made a connection you drew out feelings that I never knew that I had feelings that lay dormant for a long while my body was not equipped to withstand those delicate sparks of intimacy I fell ill sleep was difficult to grasp and yet I needed to return to you you bring me inside, and permit me to adore you in my fragile, unsure, awkward way I adored a mirror of my own fears that night the truth between the words you spoke later on was loud, longing you did not want to get hurt you did not want to feel that you would make a mistake to feel that you would dive in uncharted waters too soon you thought that my reaction to you had nothing to do with you that I would feel the same if any woman were in your place but any woman is not you ......... you came along when I least expected anyone to do so You came along when nobody else could see the things that I couldn’t see in myself you tried to adjust my vision to eradicate the blurriness you’re not merely any woman You came along after my past was written with the stories of troubled friends of petty jealousies of lustful desperation of peculiar behaviors of a permanent impress upon one’s psyche you are the first chapter of a new book with an original lead character, and a fresh plot she is a character with a goofy sense of wit a desire to appear joyful to not saddle others with unnecessary worry or pain she does things from her own free will she meets up with chances yet allows them to set their own paths she accepts the directions that they take........... she desires to witness the noble parts of humanity her curiosity, her sweetness draws out others from their self-imposed cocoons she herself is noble she does not feign friendliness or sweetness like many others have her heart is a well of affection that she gives freely to those who deserve it, who need it she does not seem capable of being a fraud with her gestures her words her body language she is as true as any Truth I read the text and feel as if that character is real standing aside me speaking to me saying to me that ”I’m real” “not merely a wish, made from the sobs of a slighted slice of your soul Sobs that can’t be articulated to the world around you or even to your own self.........” “I’m real” “I’m what you’ve always wanted but didn’t know how to get. I’m what you’ve always needed but never knew that you did.......” “maybe you still don’t know if your wish came true” “maybe you’re still not sure” “maybe I’m still not sure either.........” “maybe I’m just as broken as you” “maybe I’m just trying to find out what I want” “maybe I’m just being silly.........” “maybe you’re just assuming too much about me........” “--so many maybes ---” “but maybe I’m here just to help you clean up the clutter of your soul” “to make you understand that you deserved better than what you’ve had before that you have to brush away the dust throw away the rubbish of the past and understand that there is more out there than what you see around you.” “maybe you want to love me maybe you want to wake up beside me every morning maybe you wish for me to be your soul mate for ever.......” “but that takes time, a lot of time” “time that I need as much as you do..........”  |
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