Top Ten Star Trek Movies
Nov 26 '03 (Updated May 08 '09)
The Bottom Line Now there are more than ten Star Trek movies, it seems more reasonable to have a top ten!
The List…
(Drumroll…)
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Dishonourable Mention
The Final Frontier (ST 5)
Er… so God needs a spaceship…. Riiiiight… and even a freaky zealot in the shape of Spock’s brother will believe that? Well, fair enough, some people will believe anything. But still… er… oh the plot… it’s just stupid through and through.
Not only is this the worst Star Trek film of all time, it’s also the worst Sci-Fi films ever made.
The scriptwriters should be: force-fed Pot Noodle and listen to William Shatner try to sing – for hours on end.
Number Ten
Nemesis (ST 10)
Oh dear. The best special effects and the second worst storyline collide in the most recent effort. The plot is this: Picard’s clone, secretly made by the Romulan dudes, is forced into slavery by the Romulans when the situation changes and his original purpose cannot be fulfilled. In the slave mines he meets a friendly Reman type, and together they somehow (no attempt to explain this is made) do the following things:
1/ Escape from the min, 2/ gather together an army, 3/ build the largest spaceship in history, 4/ perfect some banned research on the ultimate weapon, and 5/ Overtake the Romulan government. (Well okay some attempt is made to explain this last part).
Riiiiiight. Oh, and then clone boy goes after Picard to stop his own aging process. That makes sense. It would also make sense if he held some slight grudge against the Romulans. But does he? No, he wants to team up with the Romulans and destroy humankind.
Duh.
The incoherent plot is backed up by some truly cheesy and contrived scenes. And since the Romulan government member guilty of killing a lot of people and letting clone boy overtake Romulus is a woman, when she changes sides near the end, she’s a friend for life. No talk of paying for her many war crimes.
I wonder what Strasbourg would think…
The scriptwriters should be: made to watch every episode of TJ Hooker back to back and made to say: “I am a Canadian!” repeatedly.
Number Nine
Generations (ST 7)
This started promisingly enough, and Data finding out what humour is offers some funny moments, but this joint effort between the two crews really falls apart halfway through. Again attempting to deal with the concept of time-travel (none too convincingly), the original crew members look like they need to be propped up to remain vertical.
This boldly went somewhere no-one should have bothered going.
The scriptwriters should be: Tied up with “Star Trekkin’” playing in one ear and any Leonard Nimoy song playing in the other.
Number Eight
The Motion Picture (ST 1)
This tried really hard to do something different with the Star Trek idea, and almost succeeded. The big problem with it was that it was too dull – I mean, the new ship was dull, the uniforms were dull, the characters were dull, the plot was dull and sssssslllllllooooooowwwwww…… It had the potential to be interesting, but it needed better handling than this.
The scriptwriters should be: made to listen to Brent Spinner singing while emailing everyone on their Star Trek Convention list telling them to “GET A LIFE”.
[EDIT - I did happen to see this again more recently and, to be fair, it did have its good points. Snappier pacing and this would have been a really good film.]
Number Seven
The Search for Spock (ST3)
This could have been so good… but sadly the terminal dullness crew were at it again. Kirk’s son (I wonder if he was Canadian) puts in an appearance… not a good appearance, but an appearance nonetheless…
Should have been a lot better than it was.
The scriptwriters should be: pushed into a radioactive chamber and told that “the needs of the many outweight the needs of the few (or the one)”.
Number Six
The Wrath of Khan (ST 2)
Ah, now this one was like the series! Khan is by far the best baddie in the Star Trek films, and both he and the crew had lots of fun with this one. A cheesy (but good cheese) plot with lots of cheesy (again in the good way) performances make this one sparkle, and who can forget the bugs crawling into the ears??!!? Great stuff.
Not classic Sci-Fi to be sure, but very enjoyable.
The scriptwriters should be: tied up while Klingon bugs crawl into their ears.
Number Five
First Contact (ST8)
Ah, it was good to see the TNG crew do so well in their first proper outing in a Star Trek film. The script was good (albeit there was the occasional cheap get-out by the scriptwriters – “how do we jump back to our own time?” – “oh just create a field the same as a the Borg did on their way in) – er…) – and the performances were good. Also featured the Doctor from Voyager, who is hysterical as he attempts to hold back the Borg by regaling them with tales of his previous medical exploits. Data’s “humanity” was explored in an intelligent way, too. Good stuff.
The scriptwriters should be: assimilated into the collective.
Number Four
The Voyage Home (ST 4)
Whales! Yes, who would have thought that these majestic beasts were so vital to the survival of planet earth?!?! Besides its laudable eco-friendly message, the plot is pure hokum but hugely enjoyable. Top moments in this film include Spock nerve-pinching a punk who won’t turn down his ghettoblaster, and Scotty trying to work out primitive technology. (“Hellooooo computer”…). Chekov is also at his funniest here. Great stuff.
The scriptwriters should be: given a ticket to Seaworld so they can have a whale of a time. (Sorry, I just had to say it – I apologise sincerely).
Number Three
The Undiscovered Country (ST 6)
In their last proper outing the original cast had a ball. (Must have been some strong anti-aging drugs being passed around!) The scriptwriters came up with a great plot involving a conspiracy inside the Federation itself, and the end scene where Kirk & Co bust in on the Federation Conference is fantastic.
Good… great… er… Superb stuff!!
The scriptwriters should be: congratulated.
Number Two
Star Trek: Insurrection (ST 8). This just pips “The Undiscovered Country” to the top slot by virtue of the most intelligent plot, good SFX, and great performances by all of the cast, but particularly Patrick Stewart. It stands up well in comparison to other sci-fi film greats to (though it’s not the best sci-fi flick ever).
The scriptwriters should be: given an award.
Number One
Newly into the top slot, Star Trek [2009] is comfortably better than anything that went before it. Thrills, spills, humour, great character development, terrific performances by a talented cast, it's got everything.
The scriptwriters should be: Given a knighthood.
See also my Top Ten Science Fiction Films
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