The First Annual MATTY AWARDS Part Two: The Worst in Music in 2003Dec 20 '03 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line ... Well well well, here we are, and what a long strange trip it's been. This is part two of the MATTY'S, the awards that unlike those hack Grammy Awards, aren't afraid to tell you something sucks just because it was popular, or made by an artist who once was relevant but now just absolutely sucks monkey nuts. And so, on to the awards: The Biggest Pile of Donkey Spunk Award, AKA Worst Album: Do you remember when Metallica was actually cool? Yeah, me too. While they tried to make a heavy metal White Stripes throwback album, what they ended up making was an album that could have actually appropriately been called Load. ST ANGER is just plain bad. And I'm not talking compared to Justice or Lightning bad, I'm talking compared to ReLoad bad. As in, ReLoad doesn't sound so bad compared to this. The Runners up for this award: Sugar Ray-In the Pursuit of Leisure: Well, they USED to be able to write a fun, summertime pop song... Nickelback-The Long Road: And you thought they couldn't suck any more than they did on Silver Side Up... Dashboard Confessional-A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar: What should Chris Carrabba be punished in greater fashion for: this album, or the nine million "emo" bands that are being shoved down my throat as of this writing? Korn-Take a Look In the Mirror: Talk about a band that just needs to throw in the towel before they end up ruining their own legacy, a la the winners of this award... Puddle of Mudd-Life on Display: I didn't think it was possible for a band to release an album almost as bland as Nickelback's, but these guys surprised me... Album That Sucked Worse Than I Ever Thought It Could, AKA Most Disappointing Album: Only one album could possibly take this prize. A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step: Maynard made something that wasn't completely mind blowing? Yes, I know, odd, but very true. I listened to this album again the other day, and I stand by my original assessment. And please don't let the title of this award fool you, this wasn't a horrible album, it just wasn't nearly as good as everything else Maynard has touched. Album That Scored The Most Undeserved Critical Blow Jobs, AKA Most Over-Rated Album: People are finally starting to get it. The Strokes' sophomore effort, Room on Fire, is a near repeat of their first album. Thankfully, this band, outside of their home in New York and a couple of other select cities behind the learning curve, is drawing disappointing returns on their tour, and maybe, just maybe, we can bury The Hives and The Vines in 2004... 8 Songs I'd Most Love To Shove Up Radio Programmers Collective A*ses, AKA Most Overplayed Songs of the Year: Jason Mraz-The Remedy: Hey Jason, the only remedy I need is the one that gets your crappy wannabe soul singer voice off of my stereo. Trapt-Headstrong: Dear rock radio, the fact you gave this song this amount of airplay is sufficient proof to me that you wouldn't know a decent song if it bit you on the a*s. Simple Plan-Any of their singles: Dear Top 40 radio, these guys suck. They sound like Billie Joe Armstrong got castrated, and Mike Dirnt and Tre Cool were replaced with talentless hacks from bands like Good Charlotte... Matchbox 20-Unwell: It took Bright Lights an extra month to get the airplay it deserves because this song wouldn't just f*cking go away. I mean honestly, this was like some of their singles from the first album, it just kept getting played over and over. Enough is enough. The White Stripes-Seven Nation Army: Yes, it was cool, but you know, with an album THAT good, there's no excuse for one single to be put out for the first six months of release, NO EXCUSE. Evanescence-Bring Me To Life: Again, another good song completely killed and murdered by incessant airplay. Every damn radio format was playing this song at some point, enough is enough. 3 Doors Down-When I'm Gone and Here Without You: Extremely bland band releases two extremely bland singles that blow up and are inescapable. Ugh. Worst Avril Lavigne Clone: There was no worse regurgitation of the Avril Lavigne formula than Hilary Duff's album Metamorphosis. Song That Most Makes Me Want to Commit a Drive By, AKA Worst Rap Song: Yes, 50 Cent was bad. And it was not exactly a banner year for commercial hip hop. But was there anything more annoying than Chingy and his ultra annoying Right Thurr. Besides the fact he ripped off Nelly (never a good sign, even if I find Nelly to be mindless in a good way many times), his skills are weak at best. Yet another in a long line of recent rappers who got a record deal because of a bigger star. BLECH. Best Headache Inducer, AKA Worst Song By a Really Good Band: The Gloaming by Radiohead is quite possibly the worst song a good band has ever written. I listen to 30 seconds of this crap and my head starts pounding in pain, as if my brain is telling me "please make it stop, I'll do anything, just make it stop!!!" Babies of the Year: Those who dare to try and silence dissent against our monkey man president, Shrub, under the veil of "patriotism" or because we "need to support the troops." Hey a*sholes, I support our troops, it's our president who I have a problem with. On a side note, kudos to the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen, and Eddie Vedder for putting themselves on the line with their respective anti-Bush rants. Album That Most Sounds Like Household Items Were Used In It's Recording, AKA Worst Production: Only ST ANGER could possibly take home this Matty... The Newfound Sluthood Award, AKA Biggest Sell Out: Liz Phair went from indie-rock queen to Britney wannabe faster than you could say "strip." She then went on to give quotes about how she'd rather be like Britney than try and strike out on her own. What a douche... We Can't Go On Award, AKA Most Disappointing Band Breakup: They put out an album in February, toured in March/April, but by about September or so, they were no more. I speak of Zwan, Billy Corgan's new project that is now over and done with. Oh well... Courtney Love Sound Alike Award, AKA Most Annoying Female Voice: Brody Armstrong of The Distillers sounds like a whiny f*cking cry baby, which is what Love always sounds like when she's not f*cking her dead husband's carcass. Snooze-Fest of the Year Award, AKA Undeserved Success Story of the Year Coldplay has now gone multi-platinum on the strength of songs that are mind numbingly boring. There's something called changing the pace guys, try it sometime, you may actually become a bit interesting then. We Have the Biggest D*ck Award, AKA Most Unnecessary Reunion For Money Only The Eagles are one of the most over-rated bands in rock's 50 year history, and it blows my mind they can get $250 a ticket. $250 to hear them blow through their bloated, generic catalog. Give me a break. F*ck You Award, AKA Best Crowd Response to a Permormer Fred Durst vs. the city of Chicago. Was this not one of the funniest stories of the year? Durst getting pelted with batteries and other debris, forcing him to get off the stage, and thereby saving 50,000 fans from his ridiculous ramblings. And folks, that is it for the Matty's. But have no fear, I'll be back next year with another batch of bands, songs, and albums that deserve the very worst  |
| Read all comments (10)|Write your own comment |
