Self-Portrait as a Giant Wheel of Cheese Dec 26 '03 (Updated Dec 29 '03)    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Books Mildred D. Taylor - Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry: A Literature Unit From $8 Olivier Dunrea - Ollie From $7 The Bottom Line You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! Attica! Attica! Attica!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes at first. A Write-Off survey by long-lost Sordid-1??! Then I rubbed my eyes vigorously for 20 minutes and realized I’d been mistaken. According to Rule 2 of sarahlovesadam’s delightless inquisition, there are no rules. I hope it’s OK then that I’ve altered most of the questions, dispensed with many others, and distorted the truth whenever I felt like it. -First date: Fall of 1982. I was twelve. She was twelve. We played spin the bottle with another embarrassed couple. By the summer of that year, we were deeply in love. By the following autumn, our little romance could not support the weight of our classmates’ jeers and the consternation of her parents, who were convinced I’d corrupted her forever. We separated after many a bitter tear. -What does your name mean: Trust12345 was the name of a Scottish king in the 14th Century. His entire 21-year reign was conducted from his bed. His father, Trust12344, was hated throughout the land as a merciless tyrant, while his son, Trust12346, was exiled for harboring a secret collection of dirty Medieval manuscripts. But Trust12345 was good and honest and noble and virtuous and strong and smart and good, and it is after his example I lead my on-line existence. -Favorite relatives: Einstein’s, Cunningham’s, Darwin’s, Freud’s, Nietzsche’s and to a much lesser extent, that of Derrida. -Summer memory: Julie stepped out of her cotton beach frock and walked toward me in slow motion during the sunset. Later that evening, I stepped out of my beach tent and walked toward her, my body glistening in sea foam and baby oil. We nearly collided at slow velocity, our hands grazing one another’s as we passed, but sadly we never actually consummated the memory. -Favorite TV: Our family used to have a color Zenith model in the 70s with faux wood paneling and a broken antenna. I guess for nostalgiac reasons, that one. -What's on your mousepad: Mouse shit. -In the car- bathroom or rest stop: Depends. Really, Depends. -Do you believe in God: Only when I swear. -Favorite Renaissance Dutch composer for the keyboard: Jan Sweelinck. -Favorite hemisphere: Generally, the lower. -Favorite carcinogenic mode of slow suicide: Gee, I guess I’d have to go with cigarettes. -Favorite internal organs: The foot and the liver. -Favorite milk product: Mother. -Favorite film editor: Thelma Schoonmaker. -Where do you see yourself in 1,000 years: Pluto, with a slight chance of the Unicycle Hall of Fame. -Coasters- deadly or exciting: Probably neither, though I was once given a set that doubled as Ninja throwing stars. Very dangerous. -How many rings: I play the tuba, so it’s hazardous to wear rings. Everything in me and on me tends to swell when I play. -Are you a backstabbing, duplicitous and treacherous friend: Generally, no. No, not really. -What do you drive: A 110mm cranked 29” SemCycle Deluxe with airseat. -Do you sleep with a stuffed bird: Gross! (Yes). -Bedtime stories cool or scary: I love it when my Mamkins reads me from old statistics textbooks. Though on a deeper level, you could say this practice is scary, my being married and all. -If you could be one person in the world, who would it be: Probably my Uncle Steve. Him, or Julia Roberts. -What is your semaphore sign: Right flag up, left flag out. -What do you wear while “doing it”: That’s very personal, but I like to be open. Full-length thermal bodysuit with a crash helmet and latex gloves. Just in case. -Guys- If a girl ever asked you to change your domestic phone service provider, would you: Depends on whether she was a stranger, a good friend, an acquaintance, or a relative. In all cases, yes. -If you could have any occupation when you get older, what would it be: Entrepreneur of a wildly ambitious dot.com circa 1990. -If you could die and return as any other animal, what would your favorite food be in the next life: Tender Vittles. -If you could be a tattoo, where would you place yourself: The back of a yakuza. -Favorite boy band: Vienna Boy’s Choir -What is your favorite punctuation mark: the colon. -Have you ever been in love with an Epinions user: Yes, dozens. -Are you a righty, lefty, or amphibious: I can make myself invisible when I shut my eyes very tight. I also was the cutest baby you ever saw. -Do you type with your fingers: I’m a Luddite, so I like to use a pen when I type. -What's under your bed: A chemistry set, erector set, choo choo train, tunnel, and disco ball. Everything to get the ladies into the mood. (Of course, being married, that means my wife from now on.) -What's the best number of cousins: Two. -What is your dream car: All velvet Volvo Cross Country V70 cruiser, with velvet stereo and velvet air bags. -What part of your body are you most ashamed of: My arms, possibly my feet. Everything, really. -Nickname: Chicken Gizzards. -Voice over or non-diagetic sound: It depends on the budget. -Do you sniff glue: No. -What type of stool: three-legged, quaint, shellacked. -Have you ever been skinny: Depends on your definition. By most human standards, no. -Do you make fun of people: Only in good fun. (You’re soaking in it.) -Have you ever been sentenced to a lengthy prison term: No. -One pillow or two: That’s very personal. -Favorite masturbation fantasy: See above. (Directly above, no higher.) -Favorite Danish philosopher: Soren Kierkegaard. -Hobbies: Brooding, wallowing in self-doubt, cerebration, pining for lost love and innocence, anxiety, envy, sloth, hand-washing, golf and tennis. Oh, and figurine collecting. -Word or phrase you overuse: "Very Helpful" -Piercing or being pierced: I’m not really into that kind of thing, but if I had to take a stab, I guess piercing. -Favorite eye disease or disorder: styes. -Favorite bird of prey at the moment: The burrowing owl. (Weird question, that one!) -Most humiliating moment: Just for laughs, I had made a video tape of myself dancing around naked and hopping on the bed. (You know—new cam corder, bored…). Anyway, I forgot to erase the tape, and pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Months later, my sister was giving a presentation to our entire school about her trip to China. Somehow, she’d gotten a hold of the wrong tape, and put you know what in the VCR. Imagine my shock when up on the large screen, before hundreds of my classmates, teachers, and the principal, my goofily dancing naked young self (I was 15) was projected on the wall. O, the laughter. O the embarrassment! It never really let up, and I was eventually forced to change schools. I suppose that’s among my more humiliating moments. -Favorite holiday mascot: Menachem ben Santa, the gift-distributing Chanukah troll.

Read all comments (35)|Write your own comment

Write an essay on this topic.