Are YOU Sick of Public Masturbation? (the Anti-Moi W/O)
Jan 11 '04 (Updated Jan 27 '04)
The Bottom Line The Self-Deprecation W/O To End All Self-Deprecating.
I don't know about you but I've had it up to my p*ssy's bow with these I AM SO GREAT surveys masquerading as essays. It all started with the 20 THINGS ABOUT ME W/O which had about a gazillion entries all gleefully spewing bodily fluids over the hallowed cyber-halls of Epinions. All these surveys had two things in common-
1. In the guise of 'getting to know each other better' you got to boast about your material possessions and generally how cool you are and how lucky Epinions is to have you, what, between running the World Bank and being Julia Roberts' best friend you don't have enough time really but you're just so committed to helping consumers choose between brands of sticky tape you are able to squeeze out at least six kitty litter reviews a day. And that was a rather long sentence.
2. They all displayed a quite frankly perverse interest in our automobiles. Every second question seemed to be motor-related. It was very vexing.
(The more moral of you may say, well, munkus old chap if you loathe them so much why do you indulge in them so regularly? My mature answer to you is that nobody likes a spoilsport.)
There have been two of late- both remarkably devoid of independant creativity and coming from email forwards we've all seen a 1000 times- and like the sheep that we at Epinions are we all blindlessly did them in the guise of getting to know more about everyone else. We already know what kinds of cars everyone drives and whether thay have airconditioning but we're still not sated.
Kris-Kochanski and I decided that hosting a W/O was the perfect idea to gain popularity (I mean look at the host of the last one!) but funnily enough it didn't catch on. I was going to link it here, but quite frankly your pudgy fingers need the exercise so you can find it yourself in our archives. (NOTE to the prize winners: Yes, I am a slack b*stard but I still have your addresses on file, as we say in the W/O biz, and one day when you least expect it BAM Australiana will strike. No doubt it will be quite a shock to whoever lives in your old house).
This is nothing personal about the hosts of these nauseating W/Os. I'm just jealous. Oh, so very jealous.
So, presenting (drum roll please Mervin) the ANTI-MOI WRITE OFF.
It's crunch time folks. If you really want people to know about you, these questions will tell them a lot more about you than your favourite brand of gum/contraceptive/scooter.
All you have to do really is tell us why and how you suck.
And of course some essential questions:
Everyone is prettier than you. Discuss.
(okay so that wasn't a question)
What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being?:
What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell.
How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it?
Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself?
What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track.
Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope.
Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat icecream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA".
How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act.
How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up internet porn?
Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers
So there are the starter questions folks. Please feel free to add any more you feel depict you as more despicable than you really are.
Consider this W/O a big huggy form of Group Therapy only we're more likely to slap you at the end instead of a group hug.
In the tradition of W/Os, I will post responses here as they come in. If any come in. Which, to be brutally frank, I quite doubt. All you people want to do is talk about what kind of car you drive.
As a courtesy, please also link back to this in your shockingly written piece.
I will do one I promise. Also, unlike my previous ABOUT ME W/O answers they will be 100% true. Not just 85%.
Until we meet again, Epinionators.
Can You Not Tell I Am Most Serious?
ME
Special Mention For Being First To Submit
PRANAPANA
All The Rest, Who Rock Like They've Never Rocked Before
BADKITTYM
BROTHERMAN
CLOONEYFAN
DAUMCO
DAVIDMANNING
DEBBIE26
DRDEVIENCE
FABU-KOCHANSKI
GAVIIDAE
GERMICANGT
GOLFERINFR
_HAGGIS_
HELLFUDGE
IMOKLIEL
JAMES23
JAZSI29
JOHNGO
JORDAN_TAR
JPS246
KIELI
KILJOI
KOKLADJ
LAURASHRTI
MILLINOCKET
MISC_EL
NEDIPOOH
OLDCOMIXFAN, Part 1
OLDCOMIXFAN, Part 2
OLDCOMIXFAN, Part 3
PAMPLEMOUSSE
PENGUINLADY
PLATNIUMLOTUS
PNUTMOM
PROXAM
RANDOMKILL
SARAHALM
SIMMSGIRL
THEPREMIER
TIGGERT12140
TOOSPOILED
TREESEED
TRUST12345
VODKABOY
YOUNGCHING
YOURCLOUD
Number of Entries Required To Beat Current Record:
219
C'mon team!
14.01: Hey, so this W/O isn't really taking off at all! Who'd have thunk it? I guess you people, who can't do the survey W/O's fast enough, really just do want to talk about what kind of car your drive and whether you prefer Pepsi or Coke (WHY DO SURVEYS ALWAYS ASK THIS). Weird.
15.01: Kudos to all those super-sexy people who have purged themselves of ALL ABOUT ME by joining this W/O. You should be experiencing a better sex life within days. The rest of you, well, let's put it this way. I'd do all your screwing now while you still, uh... can.
15.01 but later: Hm. Here's an interesting puzzle for you. Out of the 3 billion of the original surveys, how many were done by brand new members? And how many were friends of the host whose first ever review, and in one case their only review, was the survey. Maybe it was just coincidence that of the three new members I clicked who'd done a survey they were buddies of the host. I'm open to suggestions, and I hope I'm being a bit of a conspiracy theorist here, because if I'm not that's cheating.
I'm pleased that all my happy writers are established at the site and already have some reviews under their belt! It's the MUNKUS SEAL OF APPROVAL (not valid in Tennessee).
16.01 How much of a super-trooper is OLDCOMIXFAN. It's a pity more of this site can't follow his masterly lead in analysing their own despicable flaws. On an unrelated note, someone get this man to a therapist.
17.01 HOLY SHIZNIT! Who are all you people? People just keep entering this thing. Anyway, you all totally rock.
18.01 Many thanks to my beautiful assistants who draw my attention to participants I may otherwise missed. It reminds me of those beautiful young women in black two piece suits at Sothebys who assist the auctioneer in seeing bidders.
24.01 I am impressed and overwhelmed by the number of entries, but because the joke is now starting to wither I'm officially closing the W/O on the 30th of January, Australian time.
Also, please remember that this is not a Look How Bada*s I Am W/O but Look How Despicable I Am W/O. We should hate you by the end of it.
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Epinions.com ID:
munkus
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Location: Ruritania
Reviews written: 205
Trusted by: 114 members
About Me:
Munkus now lives in America. He is the size of a house.
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