thevoid99's Indie Splendor # 2 (Part One)
Jan 03 '04 (Updated Jan 05 '04)
The Bottom Line Who will Win in the Battle of Acting? Kirsten Dunst or Scarlett Johansson?
thevoid99’s Indie Splendor # 2: Kirsten Dunst vs. Scarlett Johansson in the Act-Off
Note: The following is entirely fictional and has nothing to do with these individuals.
Part 1: The Confrontation
(Nice, cold winter day in NYC. Things seem fine until…)
(Huge scream)
Kirsten Dunst: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake Gyllenhaal: What is it Kirsten?
Kirsten: It’s her!!! That little b*tch! She’s taking all the acclaim for that movie I was supposed to be in. I’m a better actress than her! How come she’s already got not one but two f*cking Golden Globe nominations?
Jake: I don’t know, she was actually pretty good in “The Man Who Wasn’t There” and “Ghost World”
Kirsten: Shut up!!! This is just f*cking great. I was up for that role and that little indie b*tch took it right from under me.
Jake: No, you turned it down. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it yet. Come on, the critics might just be going nuts over it. You were good in “Mona Lisa Smile”.
Kirsten: Thanks, they didn’t seem to think so, especially that guy who has a hard-on for Maggie and… that b*tch. Besides, I bet you “Girl with a Pearl Earring” is a boring film.
(Door opens, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard enters)
Maggie: Good morning, who was that screaming?
Jake: Kirsten
Peter: Let me guess, “Mona Lisa Smile” bombed?
Kirsten: No, it’s… that b*tch is on TV again! Why are they showing “The Horse Whisperer” again?
Peter: That was a good movie. I liked Scarlett in that film. Maggie and I went to see “Girl with a Pearl Earring” last night.
Kirsten: And what did you all think? Did she suck?
Maggie: Kirsten, no offense but you blew it.
Kirsten: What?
Peter: Not only did she deserves those Golden Globe nods but she just raised the bar pretty f*cking high for a 19-year old.
Maggie: Yeah, I like the book more but the movie was really well done, Scarlett did an amazing job. She certainly impressed me with this one.
Kirsten: Oh, now you’re on her side.
Maggie: Yeah, face it Kirsten. You’re a good actress but she’s better. If you had done that role, you wouldn’t really do a good job. That role takes a lot of discipline and range to get it right and after seeing it; she was the only woman for that job.
Kirsten: Well, f*ck you very much then.
Peter: Ok. Hey Jake, up for “The Return of the King” again?
Jake: Hell yeah!
Kirsten: This is both of you guys fault. You had to go see “Lord of the Rings” again instead of “Mona Lisa Smile”.
Maggie: “The Return of the King” kicked *ss! Eowyn is a total bad*ss. That’s what “Mona Lisa Smile” needed. It need some bad*ss woman. I’m glad I don’t have to do any promos for that film. I don’t want to watch it again; at least I got a good paycheck.
Kirsten: Sh*t. Oh no, she’s on again.
(They all watch Scarlett Johansson on the TV)
Interviewer: So are you going to the Golden Globes?
Scarlett: Nah, I’m thinking of going to the Golden Chinese Palace for that family buffet with my family. I don’t think the food over there would be that great. Plus, the buffet is for a good price.
Kirsten: Oh, a stupid buffet at the Golden Chinese Palace. What a snob.
Peter: I don’t know, she has a point. The food sucked last year, didn’t it Maggie?
Maggie: I’ll say. Still, going to Golden Chinese Palace sounds pretty sweet.
Jake: Yeah, the egg rolls over there kick *ss
Peter: Yes!! And the buffet is worth price man. I have to go there and ditch the Golden Globes and eat some Shrimp Lo Mein, some Pepper Steak, some…
Kirsten: Will you shut up about Chinese food? Man, now you’re making me depressed (pouts sadly).
(Three days later at a NYC party where Kirsten, Jake, Maggie, and Peter meet up with celebrities and talk all sorts of sh*t as loads of techno music is blasting. Kirsten talks to her “Mona Lisa Smile” costars Julia Roberts and Julia Stiles).
Kirsten: I can’t believe the movie didn’t do so well.
Julia S.: I’ll say, the Golden Globes also snubbed us, this means no Oscar nods for us.
Julia R.: Well ladies, at least we can have a chance to redeem ourselves when the DVD comes out. Just the entire cast and us do the audio commentary, except Maggie.
Kirsten: Yeah, she’ll be b*tching about how bad this movie is. We don’t need her. She’s an indie actress. They’re always snobbish towards mainstream films.
Julia R.: True, still I’ll need a big hit to recover from this. Don’t worry about Scarlett Kirsten. Remember, you won a role in “The Virgin Suicides”, she didn’t. Remember that. (She walks out)
Julia S.: I never knew Scarlett was up for a role in that movie.
Kirsten: She was supposed to play one of my sisters; she would’ve sucked anyways.
Julia S.: I don’t know. I hate to admit but she’s just better than all of us.
Kirsten: That’s real f*cking nice to say. I’m going to get a drink.
Macaulay Culkin: Hey Kirsten, you rock.
Kirsten: Thanks Mac.
Kate Bosworth: Hey Kirsten, back on top. Can’t wait to see “Spider-Man 2".
Kirsten: Thanks Kate, you were great in “Blue Crush”.
(Kirsten continues to walk as she accidentally bumps someone, who turns out to be Scarlett Johansson).
Scarlett: Excuse me.
Kirsten: You’re excused (Scarlett and Kirsten turn to face each other).
Kirsten: Well, if it isn’t the double Golden Globe nominee, Ms. Scarlett Johansson. How you’re doing?
Scarlett: Fine but this party is a snooze. I’m going to the indie party to chill out with Steve Buscemi and the gang. I just chatted with Maggie Gyllenhaal, the only good thing from “Mona Lisa Smile”, and we got mad respect for each other.
Kirsten: Well, I’m sorry that you never got that role for “The Virgin Suicides” and the fact that you’re not getting as much attention as me.
Scarlett: What are you talking about? I was too busy basking on the fine riches on my nominations and the mad respect I got from the critics and peers while getting stoned with my home girls in the NYC (back-hi-fives with her party). So I guess if I ever win the Golden Globes, you can come to my place and lick them La Capitana.
Kirsten: I can lick my own globes thank you very much. You think you’re too cool for school. Well I got a news flash for you Diane Sawyer… (long pause) you’re not.
(People watching and were like “Whoa”)
Scarlett: Who are you trying to get crazy with puta`? Don’t you know I’m loco? (circling her fingers pointing at her own head).
Kirsten: Hey, I got a wacky idea. Why don’t we do this on the acting stage, Johan-solo? (mock driving car)
(Scarlett moves her fingers in front of her face as if she’s been insulted. She keeps waving them repeatedly till…)
Kirsten: Stop it!
Scarlett: Are you challenging me to an act-off, Cry-sten? (Mock tear wipes)
(Peter who was looking from behind and walks in)
Peter: Don’t do this Kir. (Kirsten holds up her hand)
Scarlett: Listen to Peter Sarsgaard, he’s cool, he’s just trying to help you. After all, he’s Jimmy the Finn.
Peter: Holy sh*t! You saw that movie?
Scarlett: Are you kidding? I loved that movie man. You were great in “Shattered Glass” and I’m glad you got a nod too. You’re the only guy who’s cool enough to talk to man. I mean, you were in “Boys Don’t Cry”, “K-19: Widowmaker”, and might I add that brief but full-frontal performance in “The Center of the World”, I envy Maggie man, she’s a cool chick.
Peter: Wow, I’m flattered and are you really going to Golden Chinese Palace?
Scarlett: Hell yeah, the buffet is going to be swinging man. I would invite you and Maggie to come along.
Peter: Sweet!! I’ll tell…
Kirsten: Oh shut up Peter! This has nothing with you do. B*tch, you just got yourself an act-off challenge. Right at the old Studio 54 place.
Scarlett: Fine (pulls out skateboard). I know you know the place. You’re kind of a dinosaur of sorts. (Leaves)
Julia S.: Kirsten, I wouldn’t do this if I were you. She’d (Kirsten back punches her face).
Kirsten: Put a sock in it Stiles!!!!! (Kirsten leaves club as Jake follows her).
Jake: Kirsten, what’s going on?
Dominique Swain: Good luck Kirsten on kicking Scarlett’s *ss!!!
Kirsten: Thanks Dom!! Jake, I’m going to make that little maid suffer for all she’s worth and turn her into a NYC Strip Steak with a side order of potatoes and gravy fries.
(Jake stops as Maggie is next to him).
Maggie: Something tells me this is going to be one hell of a night.
(End of Part 1)
Written by thevoid99 with additional sampling from Ben Stiller, Drake Sather, and John Hamburg for “Zoolander” and Atom Egoyan for “Exotica”.
© thevoid99/Okrad/Ikebana Publishing 2003.
Indie Splendor Episodes:
Episode 1:
http://www.epinions.com/content_3608518788
Episode 2-Part 2:
http://www.epinions.com/content_3694502020
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thevoid99
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Member: Steven Flores
Location: Smyrna, Georgia
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Coming This Summer: European Films Marathon
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